Need help--parents of adult(?) son living at home
Hi, I'm hoping for some feedback on my situation. I'll try and be concise :) I have 4 wonderful kids, the youngest in high school. All are, except 1, are showing signs of having a great life ahead of them. My problem is a 23 year old son. 5 years ago, after he graduated high school, we moved to a different state. He didn't want to go, so the agreement was that he could stay, but we would only pay for him to go to college there, (we were hoping that after a year or so he would know what sort of career he wanted and follow that path. Well he didn't do well, didn't like it, and just struggled for about a year and a half. The problem is that in high school, he joined a band (the scary-noisy kind) and he really thought it would go somewhere. We knew it wouldn't and tried to steer him toward a different goal (I refered to it as a back-up plan). So he left school and came to live with us, but all he could talk about was his band and how he wanted to go back. Another band member's parents suggested he stay with them (we did tell them that by offering, they were sorta not helping him) but off he went, spending a few months sleeping on a blow up mattress in their basement and doing odd jobs for them. We persuaded him to come home thinking we could get him on some sort of career path (plus it was the holidays) which didn't work. This was a bad time for all of us so we made him go to a life coach/therapist, then a psychiatrist for some help as he was very depressed. So back he goes to the same family on the condition (theirs) that he get a job, which he did in a mall near where their son works as my son has no car. During this time his fellow band members are all maturing, going back to school, getting jobs and getting on with their lives, which we hope will make my son see that he should too. So holiday time comes around and he comes home again. HE currently has a job (only part time, and in a mall) but is still very lost, and mentions going back again (he knows I am against it.)
I know many of you will say it's time he was gone and I agree--If he had a decent job with a chance of getting somewhere, or decided to go back to school, or had any direction at all, but he doesn't and would just end up living in a cardboard box somewhere, playing his guitar. This has caused so much distress to all of us and I don't know what else to do. He is VERY quiet and shy. He is also kind, and considerate, doesn't go out to party, doesn't even like alcohol (honestly, I know). But he is SOOOO stubborn. Sadly he doesn't have a "look" that is conducive to many work environments. We have told him he must pay rent and work around the house but he won't, and I won't lock him out, and not let him eat, I just can't. So what do I do? I feel that it would be very easy for him to spiral downwards. So things are not awful, they're just not good. Any advice?