How about a tree to plant?

I would suggest a stress reliever. A massage, spa treatment, mani/pedi, etc. Dinner out. Pre-cooked meals delivered, things like that.

Both ideas are good. I do like the tree idea, or maybe a hydrangea?

If she likes flowers or enjoys taking care of plants, that's fine, unless there will be lots of flowers sent, in which case yours would not mean as much. What would mean a lot as well is a short but loving note of understanding and sympathy. (You would probably do that anyway.)

Instead of a gift, or in addition to it, make a donation to a charity which meant something to her dad.

Unless you can be sure of exactly what she would like, giving a tree or a bush, something perennial, runs the risk of it being something she'll not like but could feel annoyed about the obligation to plant and maintain it. A constant visible reminder of a white elephant gift.

If it were me, I'd go with flowers as a safe and traditional choice (for when she returns home) and leave it at that.

Do you mean now, while she's still losing him, or after he's gone?

Either way, I was always in the "a living plant is better than flowers" camp .... until I was on the receiving end. Lovely and loving friends sent me flowers and notes during the times of my parents' illnesses and those were appreciated - it was the support that meant so much. However, with plants, I felt obligated to keep them. I don't have much room for plants and I felt guilty about them and kept them around, coming to be annoyed by them, until I finally decided that the nice gesture was appreciated and had comforted me, but that I didn't need to hold on to them.

I put them out on my front lawn (near the street) for anyone to take - - - and people did. I felt good that the plants were going to homes where they would be appreciated. I will never, ever send anyone a live plant again.

If you are talking about now, while her beloved dad is declining, I think a nice card (or 2 or 3 or 4) and calling her would be the best and most loving gift. Just the support - that's what she needs.

If you're referring to afterward, please honor whatever the family wants. If they request "in lieu of flowers ....", please do that. And, of course, cards and calls.

Truly a sad time.

ETA: Oh, I'm so sorry - you clearly stated "when it is over". My comments are still the same, but I apologize for missing that part. Looks like Hoovb and I were posting at the same time and are pretty much on the same page.

I'd do something traditional for the funeral, flowers or a donation, if requested, and a personal card. Then have a one-on-one talk to express yourself. If you can actually go to the funeral to support her and your son, that would be ideal. She'll probably like your presence more than a present.

Edible Arrengements

Flowers, not a plant to care for, or as noted above, whatever the family suggests in the way of remembrances. When my brother lost his FIL, I sent a donation to MILs/FILs church which was building a preschool and had a funding drive going. For my brother personally, a couple of phone calls so he could talk, express his grief, and I could listen.

Whatever you decide to do, please include a hand written note. Your caring thoughts, not your gift, may well be what she remembers and appreciates.

I wonder what a hospice would suggest. They have experience with this.

My parents are still alive. We were given plants after my fil died. I had house plants already. The funeral plants made me sad. They weren't something I would have picked out. Every time I looked at it, I remembered why we had it. I gave it away when we moved.

Some people sent emails or notes. I appreciated them more.

When my sister-in-law died recently (she was cremated and has a pending burial at a later date, so no grave-side service), we gave a donation to Hospice (as requested in the obit.) and I gave my brother, two nieces and one nephew a wind chime to remember their wife/mother by.

I have a dear friend who gives ceramic angels to her friends who have lost close loved ones. Not something for everyone, but I really appreciated the personal thought.

After the passing of my grandparents my work generously gave me a tree and flowering shrub, and despite being a garden person these made me very sad. Not really sure why, maybe just too soon it just made me think of how they were gone. Since that time I have bought plants or items that remind me of them and its a nice memory. On the other hand a co worker recently lost her grandmother who was like a mother to her. Work again gave her plants and she seemed happy with the gesture. Live plants at the funerals mostly went to the nursing homes in the area, a couple went home with family but no one really wanted any. I think it really depends on the person. I like when I see park benches donated in so in so's name, same with flower beds in parks. But if you are looking to give your DIL a personal gift to say you are thinking of her not necessarily something for the funeral or remembrance of the person who passed gift (does that make sense?) I would give dinner gift cards for when she doesn't feel like cooking, movie gift card for when she doesn't want to think about anything, a gift basket with her favorite snacks/drinks and a note that lets her know she is loved and positive/reassuring thoughts for the future.

Don't ignore you son in this. He is a significant part of what your DIL is experiencing. Something personal is super; however, what to offer is somewhat difficult.

After my father died many years ago, I know that I would have appreciated something where just the two of us could relax. Erase some of the stress that had been building. A super-fine bottle of wine; a mani-pedi for her; tickets to some wonderful evening entertainment (play, concert, etc.); massage for each of them; some other sort of pampering thing.

Are you thinking of something to commemorate her father or something strictly for her as a sign of love and support.

The last couple of posts triggered that question.

Because it is two separate things. If it's in memory of her father then a donation to the hospice is a really good idea. (when my dad died we asked for donations to the little hospice that were such a support and they were so thankful. They had never been recognized before)

If it's a gift of support for all that she has been through then I agree with the ideas of something relaxing that she and your son can do when the initial shock of all has abated somewhat and they are ready to just de-stress.

I think a plant or a tree is better than ephemeral flowers. For me, when Dad passed, they reminded me of how ephemeral cut flowers -- and loved ones, are. But then again, if everyone might be sending plants she will have to tend... this will depend on if she really likes tending indoor plants/outdoor trees -- you should know this already just by what you've seen in her home in past visits. (Don't send the funereal gladiolas... No.)

The spa or massage gift certificate idea is good... but wait a little before sending it. Although rest is necessary, when in a state of immediate loss, that's the last thing a person may want to indulge in. If only because they may feel guilty relaxing so much.

On the other hand, she's probably not up for much cooking, so for an immediate gift, do consider that pre-cooked food delivery idea! Or a gift certificate to local eateries, even including that pizza place that delivers.

For Dad, we requested donations to the Alzheimer Foundation -- find something appropriate to donate to (or encourage your DDIL to select one or two worthy causes that are appropriate.)

I think it is wonderful that you want to do something special for your dil. I agree with the posters who suggested some delivered dinners during the time she is most likely spending time with her father and too tired and stressed to do much cooking. I think something personal for her (massage, mani etc) would be good too for helping her take care of herself after his passing. You are kind to think of her.

It doesn't matter that a parent is elderly or the death is expected. The 'child' is losing someone precious -- who has cared for them for a lifetime. You can feel orphaned at any age.

Knowing that other people care for you is a comfort. (It's also a comfort to the parent who must leave the child.) Continuing proof of your care is helpful, however you express that. I think words are more welcome than 'things' (gifts).

I think as long as you do something, it'll be fine, and appreciated that you made the gesture. My mother passed away just a little over 4 months ago. It was unexpected and not an easy passing. My school gave me a VISA gift card which I later used to purchase reprints of the beautiful picture the funeral home had made of her, along with frames, for myself and my sons. They also sent a fruit arrangement which arrived at the perfect time as we were serving a brunch to family members who had come from out of town. Two of my closer colleagues gave me a gift card to my favorite garden shop - which I'm going to use to purchase something for my garden in memory of my mother, either a plant or a garden art piece. My cadre sent a flower arrangement and a restaurant gift card, which was helpful because during that time my husband and I were able to turn around and go out to eat one night instead of trying to figure out during that difficult time what to make for dinner. We also received other flower arrangements and lots of cards. What also touched my heart were the cards that a few of my friends sent me a month or so later that let them know they were still holding me in their thoughts and prayers. Sorry this is so long, but all these gestures meant the world to me. So again, I think whatever you decide to do, will mean so much to your daughter-in-law.

After each of my parents died, friends sent me gift certificates for a nursery to choose a plant in their honor. I chose a dogwood for my dad & now a climbing hydrangea for my mom. I so appreciate them thinking of this thoughtful (to me) gesture.

Have you ever heard of Rustic Cuff bracelets? They have a great web site if you want to check it out. They can take a signature or writing of a person and etch it onto a bracelet, such as if she has a card signed "love Dad" or something like that....

Everyone is different as to what they like. Almost 3 years ago my husband of 41 yrs. passed away after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. A great many plants, floral arrangements and even shrubs to plant outside were sent to the funeral home. I was awed at how many people's lives he had touched. I didn't consider the plants a burden. My sons made a garden in my front yard and planted the shrubs; we call it the memorial garden. I kept some plants and gave others to my children and to my husband's siblings.

a circle of friends is also a very nice gesture