I had a somewhat similar situation years ago. My daughter ended up marrying the guy and they have 3 kids now. The situation isn't any better today than it was 8 years ago. My daughter did finish college, has a great job and is a wonderful mom. Like your daughter she was very careful with money early on, very responsible, but then whe this idiot came along she started doing things his way. He doesn't work at least half the time, doesn't help with the kids, she does EVERYTHING. They have no $ because he has destroyed their credit, depleted their bank accounts, etc. A part of me looks back and thinks should I have said more to her when this relationship started? Like you, I didn't want to go ballistic even though I knew the guy was a jerk, so I tried to wait it out and let her figure it out. She's a very smart girl so I figured it would work out in the end, but it didn't. I know she's miserable right now but I think she doesn't want to hear "I told you so" which I would never actually say or imply, but basically she doesn't want to look like a failure so she just keeps up the pretense. He also cheats on her. Like your daughter, she has lied about things too. She had a very good life growing up, but I've heard where she's said things about her childhood that are just plain lies. I think they do that to justify what they're doing now. Your daughter has to convince herself that she has a better life now, which is of course untrue but she has to believe that these people she's around are better than what she had otherwise she would be fighting a lot of guilt. I think you need to accept her choices for now, do your best to convince her to take birth control because that's not a mistake you can easily fix later and if drugs are in the picture, yeah you definitely want to prevent a pregnancy. Do not pay any of her bills. She can't have it both ways. You can't make choices, say you're old enough to do what you want and then expect mommy and daddy to support you. When the time comes to reach out to you and it will, she will be able to do that, phone or not. I'm sorry for all your pain, I know just how you feel.

Thanks everyone for your advice. My comment about SD22 looking after our son on 2 nights in 5 years was to mention out how little time we have had as a couple. We have days together but next to no nights together. This is, I believe one of our problems in that we never were a couple. My partner initiated the relationship while she was still married so we went from a secret relationship to a family of five very quickly. My partner has had extensive family commitments with socialising teenage children. I had little involvement in this and I realise this has affected our relationship. I've never been able to relate to SD22, SS21 father was still on the scene, SS19 always had obscure interests (rollerblading, karate - not much interest for a spectator). I know these are excuses, but its the way it panned out. My partner had plans for her ex to have the children on alternate weekends. It was only occasional that all three went and the weekends my partner elected to have them were the weekends I wasn't working. This was so she could drive them around. This limited our time together. Unfortunately this has created resentment as I've mentioned above. When I raised this in previous counselling, in that I feel our relationship came second, the response has been as mentioned (competing responsibilities, feeling guilty with not spending more time with her children). Partner states we have Fridays together (we both have Friday off), when you take into account school drop-off / pick-up it's only half a day. I know this is family routine, but during counselling Fridays together seemed to be the only compromise. I saw a solicitor 1.5 weeks ago to discuss my options. He suggested one could get a property settlement agreement in case the situation becomes more pear-shaped. A bit like a pre-nup during the relationship. I would lose a lot but I would imagine I would lose more further down the track. If I suggest a property settlement agreement I would imagine this will be a turning point. She may decide to leave. I saw a psychologist 2 days ago to discuss the situation. Only the first visit. She felt the children haven't developed life skills to date. Obviously everything is from my perspective. SD22 is not the only dysfunctional family member. The youngest SK (SS19) - finished attending school, working casual in a supermarket (fired from previous supermarket job for stealing, bludged for 3 months after finishing school before he got this job), owes his father $2000 (car accident insurance excesses x 2), owes his mother $5000 (car accident insurance excess x 1, mother put in 2K extra for car, spent 3K on DJ equipment - part-time interest / job). It gets worse - lost his driver's licence (4 infringements) and blown the engine in his car ($2500 - 3000 repair - parents rightly refused to pay). You could accuse me of making this up, but its true. He also smokes (incl dope at times). Fortunately he spends half his time at a friend's house, so I'm able to tolerate his loud music / non-contributory lifestyle. My partner accuses me of only having negative comments about her children. I know this is true, I know they have positives, they are just overwhelmed. The only SK getting on with his life is SS21. Sometimes I think the only way I could be happy is if SD22 didn't live here. The trouble is I will be seen as cold and callus, and I doubt I would have a relationship with my partner. SD22 does have a father to return to. She was living with him 6 mths ago. SD22 doesn't seem to be working, isn't studying. The reasons she moved back here don't seem to apply now. I doubt our relationship would survive this ultimatum. I know I could tart it up as an option if she didn't contribute (which would seem likely) but it would be seen by my partner as a way of getting to live with her father. Sorry for rambling, I had a bit more time today.

You stated that pregnancy, unlike cancer, is a choice, in response to my question as to whether it would be ok for a man to divorce his wife while his daughter was undergoing chemo. The implication in that statement is that the pregnancy WAS her fault. Of course I am a parent, and I was married for many years. I responded to your post originally because, in response to organic_maria who suggested that the divorce may have deeply affected the girl, you said you did not think that was not the case. Divorce ALWAYS affects children deeply, even in homes where there is a lot of conflict. I do not believe that excellent fathers divorce their spouses while their children are in crisis - no matter what their age or who is responsible. It is very rare that someone needs to leave right this second - unless the father was being physically abused by his wife. I believe that what the girl needed during her pregnancy was parents who were devoting most of their emotional energy toward her, rather than concentrating on a divorce and/or a new relationship. I have yet to meet anyone, no matter who filed, who did not find the process of divorce after a long term marriage to be emotionally draining. I believe that excellent parents do not date while they are still married, even in states like mine where it takes a lot longer than a few months to divorce when you have kids. I believe that excellent parents (and sensible people in general) do not remarry with a matter of months after divorce. I am sure you have read the axiom about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage. There is a lot of truth to that. Not only the parents, but the children also need time to recover before a stepparent is brought into their lives.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My sister is bipolar type 2, with rapid cycling, and I watched my mother try to deal with her. (Fortunately or unfortunately, my sister self-medicated with food, not drugs or alcohol, so she wasn't a physical danger to herself.) I *so* understand that you're afraid of alienating your daughter, and are worried that she'll leave and you won't see her. The only thing I know for sure is that nothing good ever comes out of acting from fear. I'll tell you my bias. I watched my mother do much the same with my sister as you're doing with your daughter. My mother's main concerns were keeping my sister relatively calm and not letting her break their relationship. My mother did things she *knew* were counter-productive, because she was afraid of losing my sister. She "helped" my sister in school - to the point of actually doing many of her assignments. She wrote absence excuse notes for fake illnesses. She provided my sister with spending money. (I, OTOH, started working at age 15.) Later on, my mother gave my sister a place to live, rent-free. She paid for everything - clothes, food, utilities, car insurance, gas ... you name it. My sister got a good education and could get good jobs, but when she got them, she spent all her money on spending sprees. (In one week in 1986, she bought a $20,000 car, a $2,000 exercise machine, $1,500 of stereo equipment, $1,000 in CD's, and probably a whole lot more stuff I never knew about.) My mother eventually gave her money, because she didn't want to lose my sister. (By that time, it wasn't a physical loss she was afraid of, but my sister would go into her room and completely ignore my mother if she didn't like what my mom was doing.) When her illness cycled, my sister would rage at my mother. (In type 2 bipolar, the manic cycle is more a matter of anger than what we think of as mania.) My sister would throw books and scream and make life miserable, but my mother took it, because she was afraid my sister would stop talking to her. My sister lived with my mom until the day my mother died. One of the last things my mother said to me was, "Take care of your sister." Well, I loved my mother enormously, but *THAT* wasn't going to happen, at least not the way my mother was doing it. Once my sister lost her safety net and had to be responsible for herself, she managed to do it. My sister is still ill, on multiple medications, and is hospitalized from time to time, but now she's much more responsible. She holds down a full-time job, something she hadn't done for more than a couple months at a time before my mom died. My sister will tell you that what my mother did for her, though it was done out of love (and fear), made her illness worse, not better. She'll also tell you that while she loved our mother, she never respected her. I don't know if any of this strikes a chord, but there it is. I can't say what you should do, because I'm not in your situation. I just want to urge you to consider that you're not just hurting yourself by placating your daughter to the extent you've described, you're actually hurting her. I keep thinking of that old adage about the definition of madness being doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to change. I think you know you have to do something different, because you don't like the results you're getting. As to why bipolar illness (and ADHD, and all the rest) are diagnosed so often today, who knows? Personally, I think they're real illnesses and have been around forever, but they're also over-diagnosed. You don't need to solve the societal problem, though, you just need to figure out what's happening with your daughter. If she *does* have bipolar illness, then it doesn't really matter if 10,000 other people have been misdiagnosed with bipolar. And if she doesn't have it, many of the things you need to do are still the same. (BTW, I agree with Alisande that you're right to look at the diagnosis with a critical eye, and ask for a second opinion.) I'm sorry if anything I've written makes it sound like there's anything remotely simple about the problems you're facing. I wish you the best of luck.