If you're focusing on catching her and calling her out, you're just training her to be a "better" liar. I know some may not like or understand my toothbrush example..but the bottom line is, you should generally be able to be a step ahead of a 6 yr old and know if they are lying or not. Again, don't try to "catch" them or ask them questions they will probably want to lie about. You are conditioning her. I never caught my oldest lying about things. It was almsot like he didn't know it was an option and that he even could lie. He just didn't. Lying is not innate in kids, it is learned. You are teaching her to lie by calling the action out or asking her questions she may want to lie about. Use statements, not questions. Ignore lies or talk through them nicely without saying/implying they are lies... Laughter is even good if the kid is innnocently telling a tall story. Sometimes all they really want is attention. If she's not listening to the lying stories, she's too young to understand them. The age of reason is closer to 7 or 8 for most kids. Most don't understand they are lying or that it is bad no matter how often you tell them or what stories you read to them. Those that don't lie aren't better kids, their conditioning or discipline is just different. You're indirectly labeling your child as a liar and she's living up to your expectations. Take your label and your assumption away...treat her as an innocent child, and I truly think you will have better luck.

Thanks everyone for your advice. My comment about SD22 looking after our son on 2 nights in 5 years was to mention out how little time we have had as a couple. We have days together but next to no nights together. This is, I believe one of our problems in that we never were a couple. My partner initiated the relationship while she was still married so we went from a secret relationship to a family of five very quickly. My partner has had extensive family commitments with socialising teenage children. I had little involvement in this and I realise this has affected our relationship. I've never been able to relate to SD22, SS21 father was still on the scene, SS19 always had obscure interests (rollerblading, karate - not much interest for a spectator). I know these are excuses, but its the way it panned out. My partner had plans for her ex to have the children on alternate weekends. It was only occasional that all three went and the weekends my partner elected to have them were the weekends I wasn't working. This was so she could drive them around. This limited our time together. Unfortunately this has created resentment as I've mentioned above. When I raised this in previous counselling, in that I feel our relationship came second, the response has been as mentioned (competing responsibilities, feeling guilty with not spending more time with her children). Partner states we have Fridays together (we both have Friday off), when you take into account school drop-off / pick-up it's only half a day. I know this is family routine, but during counselling Fridays together seemed to be the only compromise. I saw a solicitor 1.5 weeks ago to discuss my options. He suggested one could get a property settlement agreement in case the situation becomes more pear-shaped. A bit like a pre-nup during the relationship. I would lose a lot but I would imagine I would lose more further down the track. If I suggest a property settlement agreement I would imagine this will be a turning point. She may decide to leave. I saw a psychologist 2 days ago to discuss the situation. Only the first visit. She felt the children haven't developed life skills to date. Obviously everything is from my perspective. SD22 is not the only dysfunctional family member. The youngest SK (SS19) - finished attending school, working casual in a supermarket (fired from previous supermarket job for stealing, bludged for 3 months after finishing school before he got this job), owes his father $2000 (car accident insurance excesses x 2), owes his mother $5000 (car accident insurance excess x 1, mother put in 2K extra for car, spent 3K on DJ equipment - part-time interest / job). It gets worse - lost his driver's licence (4 infringements) and blown the engine in his car ($2500 - 3000 repair - parents rightly refused to pay). You could accuse me of making this up, but its true. He also smokes (incl dope at times). Fortunately he spends half his time at a friend's house, so I'm able to tolerate his loud music / non-contributory lifestyle. My partner accuses me of only having negative comments about her children. I know this is true, I know they have positives, they are just overwhelmed. The only SK getting on with his life is SS21. Sometimes I think the only way I could be happy is if SD22 didn't live here. The trouble is I will be seen as cold and callus, and I doubt I would have a relationship with my partner. SD22 does have a father to return to. She was living with him 6 mths ago. SD22 doesn't seem to be working, isn't studying. The reasons she moved back here don't seem to apply now. I doubt our relationship would survive this ultimatum. I know I could tart it up as an option if she didn't contribute (which would seem likely) but it would be seen by my partner as a way of getting to live with her father. Sorry for rambling, I had a bit more time today.

You stated that pregnancy, unlike cancer, is a choice, in response to my question as to whether it would be ok for a man to divorce his wife while his daughter was undergoing chemo. The implication in that statement is that the pregnancy WAS her fault. Of course I am a parent, and I was married for many years. I responded to your post originally because, in response to organic_maria who suggested that the divorce may have deeply affected the girl, you said you did not think that was not the case. Divorce ALWAYS affects children deeply, even in homes where there is a lot of conflict. I do not believe that excellent fathers divorce their spouses while their children are in crisis - no matter what their age or who is responsible. It is very rare that someone needs to leave right this second - unless the father was being physically abused by his wife. I believe that what the girl needed during her pregnancy was parents who were devoting most of their emotional energy toward her, rather than concentrating on a divorce and/or a new relationship. I have yet to meet anyone, no matter who filed, who did not find the process of divorce after a long term marriage to be emotionally draining. I believe that excellent parents do not date while they are still married, even in states like mine where it takes a lot longer than a few months to divorce when you have kids. I believe that excellent parents (and sensible people in general) do not remarry with a matter of months after divorce. I am sure you have read the axiom about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage. There is a lot of truth to that. Not only the parents, but the children also need time to recover before a stepparent is brought into their lives.

Thank you for the food for thought - I guess I never really thought she was angry because she doesn't really sound angry when she's talking. And maybe that's what I find so bizarre: it's as if during the course of a normal conversation she starts in without any warning (and usually there's no relevance to whatever the topic is), and with no change of tone of voice and usually with a smile still on her face. You are absolutely correct when you say her life is of her own making, and to be honest, I'm not sure what her real beef is. She has a well paying job, a nice boyfriend, and a decent place to live. Her dad and I live about 1/2 hour away and see her a couple times a month. We moved here a couple of years ago, and she followed with the stated intention of attending a 4 year university which is about an hour away. She had been accepted for the fall semester this year, but then failed all her classes the semester before so was ultimately told she would have to reapply. Now she's got the opportunity to transfer in the Spring semester, but is saying she doesn't know if she wants to do that, she wants to live closer to campus, it's too far to commute, one reason after another why she can't do what she said she wanted to do. She consistently makes impulsive decisions that aren't well thought out, then doesn't seem to realize that she had the choice to make a different decision. When she's complaining, it's always somebody elses fault that she's unhappy or upset. Even when she failed her classes she blamed it on her bad roommates, but never did seem to get that she could have chosen different roommates, or at least checked out the ones she ended up with a little more thoroughly. I feel like we've been as supportive as anybody could reasonably expect: we've had her living with us off and on over the last 3 years, and we give her financial assistance as long as she's working towards her degree. DH and I are in agreement that she won't be living with us again - it's just too much drama in the house. Anyway, thanks for listening and responding - you really did give me a different perspective and I think I will try to suggest to her that she gets some counseling the next time she starts in when we're alone. And as far as Christmas goes, we're going to do something different this year: since it will just be the 4 of us, we're going for a bike ride on the beach, then out for Thai food. I told DH that we need to do something to try to deflect all that negativity, and hopefully this will be novel enough to do just that. Happy Holidays - Becky