I read your post a while ago and came back to post my thoughts. I cannot say them any better than Ravencajun did. She put into words exactly what my muddled tired brain would not.

Your husband is not only grieving the impending loss of a father presently but also the one who he lost long ago. This is also the end to of any dream that things could somehow be different, if only....... for him. Be there for him and give him the unconditional love and support he needs for now. But also take time out of each and every day to do something nice for yourself. be kind to yourself and let go any guilt. Your feelings are valid but this is the time in your marriage when you put your feelings aside for the sake of the one you love, your husband.

FIL may be a victim of mental illness, and if so, while you husband may have been hurt, it is possible that FIL did not mean to hurt.

I agree with the others, that your husband needs you help and understanding to help him get through this difficult time. And treat yourself gently as well. Whatever the reason for FIL's behavior, you were involved in that difficult relationship because you were the DIL, it must have hurt you to see your husband hurting.

FIL sounds like a broken person. Who knows how he got the way he did? Just be there for hubs and breathe your sigh of relief (or whatever) when FIL is gone. I wouldn't invest a lot of energy in anger.

I hope that hubs gets through this okay...would he consider counseling?

My heart bleeds for your DH. I cannot imagine being that way to my son, and the only explanation for me is that your FIL is a sick man, both physically and emotionally. He is lucky to have a found a woman like you and made a beautiful family with 4 children, who I'm sure are well loved by reading your posts. Show kindness and mercy for FIL--it won't cost you anything and the payback will be that you helped your husband during a tragic time in his life.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband. Sometimes when people die, you truly don't care - or are actually
relieved. Your husband isn't in that spot, while you are - just be there
for your hubby.

When my grandmother died, it was much the same: nobody cared. Only two of her many grandchildren went to her funeral. Nobody cried - in fact, many of us celebrated that she was finally out of our lives for good. We all still feel that way. She was hateful, mean, and cruel. I offered to write her obituary. It would have been one word: YAY. Ten years later, there's still no grass growing on her grave. She has poisoned the earth.

It'a much healthier if instead of feeling anger or sorry for yourself, your husband or your kids, feel sorry for your father-in-law. He missed out on so much not knowing you all and experiencing the love and caring you could have given.

This is awful for you and your hubby. If it were me, I'd totally ignore the FIL and not try and help him or be nice to him at all. He's the way he is from his own doing. Mentioning his daughter but not your husband is proof.

Love your hubby to death and give him lots of hugs and support. You are his true family.

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. I agree with everything posted above and to answer one of your questions - You are NOT a terrible person. You are a loving and caring person wanting to protect your husband from more pain.

Focus on your husband and be thankful he learned how to be a good father from the example of his bad one. Let him know how much his wife and kids love him.

I can echo your pain for a spouse - only the hateful, evil one here is his mother. She's been cruel and cutting to him for 53 years. They adopted him at 6 months, "the worst decision I've ever made" is how she's always described it to him.

One of his earliest memories is of her telling him he was "a sorry little **it," "more trouble than six kids." "Dumb," "ugly," and "not good enough," were common comments.

Give your husband lots of hugs; encourage him to take as much alone time as he needs. Maybe you could take him for a long walk in a quiet park or the woods, if that's something he enjoys.

At least this will be the last time his father will hurt and abandon him.

You're not a horrible person. Absolutely not. A couple of things that might help your husband is to acknowledge that his Father did the best he could. He simply wasn't capable of anything more that that. Also, that your husband didn't stand a chance of having a relationship with him, because it just wasn't in his father to do so. His father is a broken man.

I'm guessing that the grief your husband is feeling is that he's hoped for so long to have a relationship with his Dad, and now the impending death indicates the reality that it'll never happen. It's not that he's losing his Dad; he never really had him. But he's losing the chance (although, in reality, BECAUSE of his Dad, he never really had the chance, either.

Your focus should be on your husband. But, how can you not feel anger, frustration, apathy etc? Perfectly normal.

Many of us have here have not had the ideal parents or upbringing. Even within a household, there are differences in the way siblings are treated and/or how they perceive how they were treated.

When my father was dying, my brother, who lives thousands of miles away, had the choice of coming in before or after he died. He chose after. They had a difficult relationship and I didn't fault him in the least for his decision.

I hope your husband can work toward healing. He did nothing to deserve this treatment or behavior from his father. There comes a time though, for your own mental heath when you have to make the decision to move forward.

What a difficult situation to find yourself in. As others said all you can do is take the high road. You have to show courtesy and respect for the family and unfailing support for your husband. You don't have to act grief stricken but just be there and say nothing. Don't be surprised if your husband suddenly depicts his father as some kind of saint after he dies. Time heals a lot of wounds so just hang in there with your DH and hopefully he will find some peace in the future.

What a thoughtful and nice thread. Everyone has contributed such good advice. I can only add that....in time you both will come to realize that who he is....is all he was capable of being. Like a disability, perhaps....one has to accept what his disability made him. (((hugs to you and your loved ones))))

I feel for you, Texas_Gem. I went through somewhat the same thing. My dad was a real piece of work. I could have cared less about going to his funeral but we all did because of our Mom. The last 3 years of his life he would not speak to 3 of his 5 kids. I lived around an hour away so I didn't have to see him but my poor brother could see his house from his. My poor mom suffered with not seeing her kids. Just be there to support you husband. Give him time to open up and talk about it if he wants.. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do for one minute.

Be there for your husband. He will be grieving for so many different things - the loss of a parent he hasn't had for a long time, the loss of the grandfather his children never had, the loss of a man who should have been more than he was but incapable of being so. And not only that but those teenage emotions (perhaps still unresolved and deeply hurtful) of a father who didn't want him and decided to try to commit suicide.

It will be tough to not grieve for your husband, for all those lost opportunities, but grieving with him will help.

The one thing I wouldn't do is to excuse his behaviour to your children. His behaviour isn't ok, perhaps mental illness is at play but he didn't get help and that can't be excused to your children. Be blunt with them, grandad wasn't a nice man and he wasn't a nice dad or grandad.

I don't know if I explained that last thought very well.

Is your husband close to his mom or sister?

I wish peace for you all during this trying time. (((hugs)))

"perhaps mental illness is at play but he didn't get help and that can't be excused to your children."

Having worked as a psychiatric nurse for a number of years, I've seen many people who were unable to realize that they were mentally ill. I think this may be a teaching opportunity, to teach that when there is no intent due to illness, that behaviors CAN be excused.

I am not attempting to (and cannot) diagnose this person, I don't know why he behaved this way. But I think it is harsh to hold someone accountable for their actions if they are truly ill.

Everything you do around kids teaches them something, and youngsters may be afraid to come forward in the future for stuff that happens unintentionally, or even illness, , thinking they may be the target of blame.

What you could do is try to explain to your husband, in loving terms, that there's a great chance that his father didn't feel worthy enough to have any one love him. He obviously had a sad life of loneliness staying outside of the family for whatever sick feelings he had about himself. He's to be pitied because he didn't have the ability to overcome the terrible curse of depression and mental illness. Perhaps hearing that from you will let your DH understand that it wasn't DH being rejected but his father feeling he didn't deserve love. Many poor afflicted souls feel that way and many commit suicide. You have to know all of a person's past to understand. It's hard I know but try to replace anger with acceptance so that you don't have that baggage to carry through life. It never feels good to be angry. Acceptance is the best route. God bless.

Good for you, Texas Gem, to have the inner strength to see this tough situation clearly and to feel the freedom to call a spade a spade. Make sure your husband doesn't develop any personal guilt about the non-relationship with his father. It sounds like he was resilient in trying, but the lack of a connection was his father's fault. Guilt feelings can be hard to shake.

I had a difficult father who at times was impossible to deal with. It was a pattern throughout his life, an inability to keep friends and maintain relationships. He was persistent in trying to be a source of aggravation in the family and so I got to the point that the best way to deal with him was to ignore him completely. That worked well and that really marked his passing as far as I was concerned. His death was a second conclusion but not a loss, it put an end to an unnecessary irritant in our lives. Hopefully the same will be true for your family with this guy's departure, that it will provide relief to your husband and he can move on without further uncomfortable feelings.

Kiddo your feelings are yours. Don't share them with hubby. And don't feel guilty about them either. Love your hubby. Love heals most everything.

This may be your DH's last chance to confront his father. It's possible that, in the face of death, his father will be able to confess his own feelings.

My DH was adopted as an infant because his adoptive father wanted a son. (IMO he wanted a 'do-over' of his own impoverished life, now that he had achieved some wealth.)

His wife didn't want to adopt at all. They were a late marriage and were mid-forties when they adopted. DH's adoptive father died suddenly (heart attack) when my DH was 10, leaving his money half in trust to my DH and half to his wife...on the condition that she never tell DH he was adopted and that she not remarry until DH was at least 18. Are you surprised to learn that she not only didn't love this 'son', but resented him and belittled him all his life? (DH could have become President of the US and she would still not feel it was worth her sacrifice!)

We only discovered all of this 'background' a few months before my MIL died. DH was mid-forties. He is very glad he had one last conversation with her before her death at 84. He asked where they had adopted him. She replied, "Some no-account place where you'd get a no-account kid like you." He told her to let him know when she was willing to tell him the truth. It was cathartic. When she died ten days later he was able to let go of any idea that his 'mother' didn't love him due to some fault in him. He was *free* at last. (We were able to find his birth family.)

Absent that last conversation, DH would have continued to hold some hope that his mother could have loved him -- if only, if only... She did him a big favor by revealing her true feelings. It was all about *her*.

I could wish the same closure for your DH, but you will probably need to encourage the confrontation. This is a 'last chance' to try for the truth. If his father is again evasive, *that* will have to be proof enough, and your DH will have *tried*.

I had guessed that my DH was adopted shortly after we were married -- but he was so hurt that he was not ready to address it for decades. The truth put paid to any illusions. He only needed to be strong enough to face it head on. It changed his life!

I totally get what you are saying lucille, but the other side of the coin is that the damage done to others is still the same, whether it is mental illness, a personality disorder, or just maladjusted and uncaring.

I suspect most people who have difficult or uncaring parents spend a great deal of their lives making excuses for them, and bearing the guilt of not measuring up or being good enough to gain acceptance and love from said parent. I mean think about it, how bad do you have to be for your own parent to reject you? That is the type of subconscious dialogue that some people carry around from a very young age.

I think it's ok (although socially unacceptable) to just accept a person was mean, uncaring, self aborbed etc and just failed as a parent, and sometimes as others have said, it can be a relief when they pass and the pain, rejection and self judgement can end. I think it can also be ok to stop making excuses for them (they can't help it, they must be ill) and validate yourself that you deserved better instead of continuing to self blame and not hold the person accountable and continue giving them an out for their harmful behavior.

People are unlikely to change because you'd like them to...my late FIL was nowhere as bad as what you're going through but my husband was waiting for some sort of apology that never came, his punishments would today be called beatings...he did do nice things for us though, I told my husband he would have to be satisfied with that.

Thank you everyone. It's nice to have somewhere to vent, obviously I can't do it to my husband.

Yes, his father feels worthless, that has been apparent to me for a long time and the fact that he has stated he doesn't want any memorial service or burial, he just wants to be cremated and then have his ashes dumped at the cemetery, further solidifies it.

My husband has tried confronting his father before, it has never gotten anywhere. Now dad is incoherent so I think that ship has permanently sailed.

I think one of the parts that really hurts for him is that his dad was somewhat close to his older grandkids. When we got married, they were already born. He used to babysit them when they were little. They are now in high school and college whereas our oldest is only 8.

I guess he couldn't be bothered to put forth the effort anymore.

Or maybe he feels as though he failed in his fatherly duties to teach his son "how to be a man" so he is embarrassed to be around him. I don't know, I really don't.

My husband is close to both mom and sister, he has been his mom's emotional support for years when she couldn't get it from her husband.

When her mother died 2 years ago, FIL wouldn't come to the funeral or give her any support, not even a hug. Instead he asked what was for dinner.

He is just a bitter old man who feels no love for himself and can't be bothered to give any consideration or concern to others.

I had a very bad relationship with my parents -- nothing I could do was right, or enough. We are brought up to feel that parents love and protect us. It's hard to admit that my life was not like that.

It took some time in therapy to get all of this sorted out. It was hard, but I can now accept that my parents were doing the best that they could.

Texasgem, you obviously realize you can't express these thoughts to dh and you're right about that. All you can really do is be a sounding board for him as he works his way through it. He's not only losing his father, he is losing whatever chance he had at having a good relationship with his father, and from what you posted I suspect that is something he has been trying for a long time to achieve.

It's going to make the grieving process more complicated because he will be grieving those two different things, and I suspect the lost opportunity of a relationship that will never be will be the hardest part to deal with because in his own mind, he may be feeling that if he could have achieved that, it would mean he is ok, and accepted.

When a parent passes though, it can bring a finality to those things, and hopefully an acceptance that it was just never going to happen and that it's ok to let go of it.

Is is possible your f-i-l has always had an emotional problem and was always unable to express himself? I'm sorry for the heartache you are both going through.

sjerin- I suppose it's possible but my husband remembers a happy childhood with his dad, going for ice cream after school, laughing, playing, etc.

He says it all changed after the suicide attempt. It was NOT a cry for help, he didn't call anyone, didn't do it in public. He truly was trying to die. He waited until everyone should be gone all day and overdosed. His daughter had forgotten something at home and came back to get it and found him.

How very sad for all involved

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, I know it has to be hard. I've always heard people treat the one they love the most the worst. He is probably a very unhappy man and doesn't know how to express his feelings. For your own sake forgive him and support your husband all you can. I really have no words.

You will probably never know what is going through his mind (FIL). There is a reason for everything, he just isn't saying what is wrong.

Hugs and prays for your family

Tex, it's not uncommon for grands to be closer to the grand kids than their own kids...my younger sister went through this with our dad. They were like oil and water when we were growing up...but when she had her daughter (in high school!) my dad took to that baby like you wouldn't believe. It made my younger sister understandably VERY jealous, because she never got that attention from our dad.

FIL sounds very selfish and I am sorry for your hubs, but we can't change what parents we have.

The "Caring Father" ship has sailed for hubs...but he can vow to be a good dad and grand dad to your kids and grands.

I am thinking of you both tonight.

That's profound and beautiful, joyful guy. I've been in places in my life when I could have used someone like you sitting beside me. I hope that Texas Gem can draw from your perspective and wisdom. My heart goes out to her, her marriage and family.

segrass

OJ said it best. The best we, as table friends, can do is offer a place for our members to sit, and listen with our heartfelt understanding.

There is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said. Just wanted to let you know that we're here for you, any time you feel the need to vent.

It's OK that you don't care, Texas_Gem, but your husband might need to feel that he did everything possible to connect with the father he remembers. He needs to do that for his own peace of mind. Hugs to you and your family.

OJ, that's the best thing I have ever seen you post. Normally I just give your fluffy, funny stuff a cursory glance, but this post is different - it's thoughtful and very well written. I may even print it out and pin it up over my desk.

You're far from being a "terrible person". Nor are you heartless. Quite obviously! You care about people about whom are worth caring. And you know the difference, which so many cannot, or more accurately WILL NOT see, know or at least acknowledge. You can see what others refuse to see. And you don't want to cover things up because it's the social convention. I applaud you!

There are a lot of people in this world who are, let's just call them "bad people". To me it's a moral crime to feel so badly over bad people when they receive what I sometimes see as "justice". It's hypocritical for someone to complain, criticize or otherwise speak about people when they're alive but then they die and they glorify the person and forget about the pain and hardship they caused in life. People who are sworn enemies of a person seem to come out of the woodwork to gain attention when someone dies or is dying. The loss of some people is not tragic in my mind.

You'll be there for your husband and family, the good people, as you should. You should take solace that you know good from bad and will help the good but not waste time weeping over the bad. But remember you cannot heal your husband. He must come to terms with things in his own mind, at his own pace and on his own terms. Will he eventually see his father for what he is? I'd doubt it, but it really doesn't matter. I support you and many others will too. It's tough to be in a situation where you are the only one who can see the holes in the Emperor's underwear! I've been in that same position many,, many times. And I'm glad I didn't bow to social convention.

I'm in a somewhat similar position myself. I got word a couple months ago that my brother has cancer. I smiled. I said to myself that finally there is some justice for someone who would bilk his father out of everything he had, who would lie, cheat and steal all his life. For a self-centered ____ who takes advantage of everyone they can. I did not shed a tear, nor will I. After all, I don't know if he's going to get the ultimate justice or not. Have to wait and see. Since I'm the black sheep in the family, everything here too is kept hidden from me. My cousin called me and told me more details. When I said AFAIC I hope it's extremely painful and fast growing, she (being the religious zealot she is) started waving a Bible at me and lecturing me about "forgiveness" and such. I make no apologies for not feeling bad about justice for bad people. I felt no sympathy for Jeffrey Dahmer when he died. Enough on that.

I'm not going to commit what I feel is a moral crime and neither should you. You have your head on right. You are questioning yourself, indicating your a caring person and all of us question ourselves at times, at hard times but when you step back, take a deep breath and examine it, you should see that you're right and stand true to yourself and stand with your husband and family.

My best wishes to you and your family. It's a trying time.

I wanted to again say thank you to all of you. As you might be able to surmise from when I post, it has been after my hubby finally goes to bed and I need to defrag a bit before I am able to sleep.

The past few days have been tough, he has woken up, then gone to his parents house for vigil, not getting home until after the kids are in bed.

The babies, as we refer to our younger two, don't really comprehend what is going on, all they know is daddy isn't here and they don't like it. Our 4 year old was sobbing last night, she said, "but what if daddy gets sick like grandpa???" so I had to try to explain what kind of "sick" he was and that it wasn't contagious.

Our older two know what death and dying are and, I have to say I've been quite proud of them. Even though they have no attachment to their grandfather, they have shown a remarkable amount of sympathy and compassion to their daddy for what he is going through.

Today, my husband was there for over 8 hours and in that time his father never moved or woke up. He hasn't had any food or water for days.

Tonight, we talked for hours. Hubby came home early enough to see the girls before they went to bed because they were crying incessantly for him. We are a tight knit family, our girls have never been away from us for more than a day and it doesn't help that they've all been sick in the past week which makes them extra clingy/whiny.

As many of you surmised, he is indeed feeling guilty. His exact statement was "I don't have time for this sh*t, and I feel sh*tty for feeling that way"

I reminded him that he has no fault or guilt here.

Thank you ole joyful, I modified what you said, I told him that, if he had written dad off years ago I could understand his guilt but, BUT he has been trying for years, he has done everything he can but there is only so much you can do when trying to get through a door that is locked on the other side.

Then, the crux of it came out.

As I stated before, his dad checked out a long time ago and he basically had to learn how to be a man on his own. My father has been more of a father to him than his own dad ever was.

Tonight, while pausing frequently to choke back tears, he said that this has given him a glimpse into what it will be like when "the foreman" (what he has called my dad for years) passes.

Then we went through the guilt he feels for being closer to his FIL than he is his own dad.

I reminded him, once again, that he shouldn't feel guilty and he is not at fault. My dad and him have fostered a relationship for years, his dad has ignored a relationship for much longer.

We aren't religious in even the slightest sense but I'm praying that his father will pass tonight in his sleep and we can start to move past it. I don't know how much more emotional turmoil he can handle.

He is broken, I know his limits and he has reached them. He doesn't feel anger towards his dad, but it is emotionally trying to witness his mom and sister (daddy's girl) go through this, plus there was a few moments of lucidness a few days ago where his dad seemed truly terrified; knowing he was dying, etc that he keeps replaying in his mind.

I've reminded him that he should feel no shame or guilt in wishing for a quick passing. If anything, it shows compassion for not wanting another human being to suffer.

Oh texas_gem I feel so badly for your DH, you and your family. What a tough road to be travelling.

He passed a few hours ago. Hopefully the healing can begin now.

All the best to you and your DH as you move forward.

Texas, I wish peace for your family....

My condolences, and my hopes that your family will overcome and heal after all the difficult feelings everyone has experienced.

Well, so many beautiful replies and as a read this morning, you FIL has passed. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you are one amazing woman, wife and mom.

Another wish for peace and acceptance for your family.

You have my prayers for 'coming to terms' and healing.

Best wishes to your husband and you for peaceful healing. Please consider therapy for him if he feels he cannot get over his feelings.

Healing is so important -- do you have a grief counselor available?

Hi,

I know this comes a little “after the fact”, but please don’t
blame yourself at all for not grieving for your FIL. You love and loved your husband, which is
lots more than I can say.

I THOUGHT I loved my
husband before we were married, but by the time we got married, I didn’t want
to marry him anymore. You’re probably
wondering “Why in the world would she get married, anyhow?” Well, the truth is, my husband was a very
violent person (which I found out before the marriage) and I was AFRAID to not
marry him. He controlled people with
fear. I actually feared for my life, and
I did so many times while we were married.
My mother even saw how bad it was (God rest her soul) and offered to pay
for a divorce for me (and she was a “tightwad”). Of course, I refused. What would I tell my husband if he asked me
where I got the money for a lawyer, “My mother gave it to me”? He would have outright killed her or
threatened her fiercely with profane language.

I could go on and on about this—there were so many
terrifying incidents. But when he passed
away last July, I felt like “the weight of the world was lifted off my
shoulders” and we were married nearly 50 years.
I could not cry at his funeral because of all the HORRID things he did
to me. But he was like a “Jeckll and
Hyde”, a split personality, as he had many friends who thought he was
GREAT. He did always help them and fixed
things for them (he was unusually handy), so it is to be expected.

In his fits of rage, he broke everything that was important
to ME. I made stained glass pieces (I
did very well at that) and he broke the two lamps that I had in the house. I also had two organs (I loved to play them
but I wasn’t that good) and he broke keys on both by flinging objects at
them. He didn’t break my stained glass
windows because it would have been too obvious to other people.

So please hang in there, I’m sure things with your husband
will get better over time. Wishing for a
quick passing is one of the kindest things he could do.

Thank you, Texas Gem, for sharing - and a gem you are, truly.

Thanks to others who have shared hurtful experiences, especially you, Ms Genie.

I hope that you and those you love can find help and healing for your hurts, to help remove the ongoing pain, even though it may have become somewhat more slight, as the years pass.

If you feel that it would be helpful, T G, you can share with your hubby that a number of friends here are pulling for him, you and his family at this difficult time, trusting that things will work out well as they move forward in this journey of life.

Sometimes it warms one's heart to know that people at a distance, who have a connection with that person's loved one, are offering concern, compassion and love while one is going through some difficult times: the unexpectedness is somewhat compelling.

(((((Texas Gem ... hubs ... family))))).

(((((MsGenie))))).

ole joyful

Peace & healing for your family