Things change in 13 years. So should you're expectations. I'd suggest quietly discussing the lack of care for the pool with your DH. Something like, "you seem to dislike caring for the pool and related stuff now, should we consider hiring a service to do this?" See what he has to say. It may be he now finds it physically taxing or simply the dream of the pool doesn't match the reality. Life evolves and a good relationship allows for changes.

Lol! I think it's time for another discussion.

We have those issues too. I sometimes try to do 'dh jobs'. I've found, he likes to throw away the instructions and disassemble the piece of equipment. Sometimes something is missing and it's not just my mind going. He doesn't always agree with way I do things either. Sometimes I just have to take initiative if I want it handled.

Don't take it seriously? Ok, I'll play along! Fill it with soil and make a garden there instead.

:)

Hug him close and be glad you have him. Many of us don't. Some loss is by choice, some is not

graywing, that is funny. Mine probably would of vacuumed out the front also, but then would have to tell me that he went "above a beyond" and want a metal pined to his chest.

What gets me is he can see a deer flick their ear 100 ft in the woods while driving 35 mph in a car, but can't see that the cat puked on the floor 5 ft away from him. You got to love them . I got a good one and wouldn't trade him in for the world though.

I would just offer to help him with it.

I agree with Elmer and Idstarr. People change. Some guys when they change want a new life and a new wife. All yours is doing, and it may be age related, is not spiffing up the pool area often enough.

OMG! These all sound like my husband. Absolutely cannot multi-task, asked him to clean out a cabinet in the garage, so he re-arranged everything. He didn't throw away anything but the dried up paint, even if it hasn't been used for 20 years, it is still there. I could go on and on.

I have found that the fastest way to get my hubby to do a chore he's been putting off is to start doing the task myself, especially if it means getting tools and power equipment out. It's like he has radar that detects the moment I lay my hands on a tool even if it's just a screwdriver.

Mine is also a one task at a time guy.

Oh, Dawn, you nailed it! If I so much as start looking for a pair of pliers, I get the third degree. It’s not like I don’t have skills to use the tools, and even the power tools we own. But he must get involved.

I have to give him credit though, he is a master at almost everything he does do. He can figure out a better way to do almost anything. Keeps the lawn looking great, although I am the gardener. If it’s something he uses, it gets fixed. He just never throws anything away either, and procrastinates like crazy.

Likewise, on almost all of these.

Last night we had a discussion about leaving things out in the kitchen counter, rather than putting it away. “I’m just going to make peanut butter toast again tomorrow so why should I put the peanut butter in the cabinet?” says he.

*that noise is littlebug banging her head against the brick wall*

Could you get him to start using the pool -- exercise schedule, same 20 minutes of laps every morning? Would he do it if you did it with him? (Would this KILL you? My DH and I would benefit from doing this; you too?)

OR...where do women find those cute Pool Boys I read about in chick-lit?

Plans change, people change, so maybe it's time to renegotiate the original plan. I'd tell him because he's worked so hard all his life, now it's time to turn the reigns over to someone else. Maybe he's been waiting for you to initiate that conversation. He may start to enjoy the pool again.

It's time for a re-negotiation. You might mention to him that it's become quite obvious he no longer enjoys the pool maintenance and even the pool for that matter. Suggest perhaps you should just have it cemented over and just have a lovely lanai. Either he'll start enjoying the pool and maintenance, hiring someone for maintenance, or agree it's time to get rid of it.

You being able to predict this makes me think there were patterns in place before the pool?

When my DH wants something, he will gladly agree to most anything, but it's like he doesn't really comprehend the involvement. I.e. when travertine was all the rage a few years ago, we had to redo our shower in travertine. I didn't want natural stone to care for, but don't worry he said he would squeegie the tile every night after he took a shower and it would look new forever. How long did that last? Not even a week. The travetine doesn't look great after the years, he won't do anything with it, and I hate cleaning it, or attempting to clean it. That's not the first time we've had the "Pleease, I'll feed it, walk it, and take care of it" conversation where I knew he was not going to uphold his end of the deal... but here we are.

I'm glad to read these stories and know that other people have spouses that drop the ball too. I've learned to turn a blind eye to a lot of things and just let things go. When the travertine gets to a point no one can stand it, we'll figure it out then. If it was important to him, he would take care of it. My time is more important to me than being a slave to that shower... so here we are. So I say, let him figure it out, live with it the way it is, or call a few handymen to get quotes. Whatever you do, don't let it sap any of your energy.

ETA: Elmer, you are right in that this is not a man thing. I know lots of wives who do essentially the same sort of thing. I edited my post to reflect "spouse" rather than "DH." It seems like a fairly common dynamic in marriage with gender not much of a factor.

I can add a few stereotypes in the other direction. I don't get missing puke on the floor at all, I'd call that atypical, but in a similar vein of not being able to see the forest for the trees, I've known many women who seemingly have trouble prioritizing their time and attention. Those who can spend disproportionate amounts of time on things and tasks that matter little (and they'll admit to that when asked) while giving low or no priority to essential matters. Happy to say that most of my (and our) female friends aren't like that but many I encounter are.

Some of you are taking this way too seriously, as she requested not to. She's venting, as are some others (including myself) - in a good-natured way.

I agree with you Suzieque. It was meant to be fun. And I have had a good chuckle over many of the comments. Thanks.

I think I actually learned something. DH will get very upset when I mention the second project while we are talking about the first project. I think I like the one-task explanation.

I totally get where you’re coming from but I have to agree with the school of thought that your 13 year old agreement may be up for renegotiation. Maybe it’s time to hire it out and call it day. If it’s any help to you, sometimes I have a hard time figuring my DH out too. He wants to do things that can be hired out instead (to save money) but when it’s time to actually do those things, he’s too tired or doesn’t have time. It makes me crazy. :c)

Here's another explanation for what you think is a lack of multitasking ability, which I discount the veracity of. How would you like it if Saturday morning your husband said "Today I'd like you to clean the kitchen, the bathrooms, and the windows in the front. The carpet in the X room could stand to be vacuumed. I'm going golfing, hope you make a nice dinner tonight".

A long list of "honey-do" items for a day or weekend off sounds to male ears like a wife's nagging and being bossy. If it seems like only one item gets remembered at a time, that's a passive way of ignoring the list.

I saw a bumper sticker (I'm sure this is neither novel nor new but it was new to me) that said "Wag more, Bark less".

Elmer, I like the bumper sticker. And yes it goes both ways for sure. I hope no one is taking g this too seriously but apparently a few are.

If any of you have ever listened to Jeanne Robertson talk about her ‘y chromosome’, also known as her DH, it’s hilarious. Just poking a little fun, and I’ll sure some are venting a little frustration.

Lynn Wheeler, no need to call out anyone specific for not doing any work themselves. I have done plenty of my fair share I assure you, both outside and inside. More now that I retired a year ago. Don’t assume you know anyone’s personal circumstances, whether they are even able to carry out the task.

Dawn, I died when I read your comment because this has always been my "go to" method to get something done

My DH has no mechanical ability, and he was raised in a house with 'help'. I accepted that I would need to do or arrange to have done anything like the work you describe.

I made sure to raise our DS to know how to do -- or at least tackle -- projects. His DW has taken that even further. However...neither man is dependable if given more than TWO projects at one time.

For years I attributed this obliviousness in our DS to his mild ADD. Other women have enlightened me. It's Not ADD. It's the way many men ARE -- that is different from the multi-tasking most women learn young when they are the primary *caretakers*. No blame, just different brains and (often) responsibilities.

I'm being honest when I say I rarely ask DH to do anything. He works all week, drives an hour to his job and many times has to go in to catch up his quotes and ordering on Saturday. So other than that all he has is the riding lawn mower, occasionally weed-eats, and walks the dog. So the pool deal is check the chemicals weekly and the pressure-washing is only about 2 times a year. I can't say that the pool is vacuumed as often as it should be or that the pump filter is cleaned out. But then this is what he promised to do. Knowing how he is he would probably balk at talking about hiring someone but maybe I'll approach him on it. I just don't see how that ugly gross deck box could be ignored after doing all that work on the rest of it. And yes it's one of those Rubbermaid ones that will never be really clean again but after I scrubbed it today it looks so much better.

HaHa! Funny that so many of us have husband's with "she picked up a tool radar!" Yep, it surely does get him/them moving...

Elmer, not even close. Not. Even. Close. It sounds like you are saying “I know you are but what am I”. Sigh. I know you get a charge out of being contrary, so have at it.

And my wife is usually telling me, "honey, please, do a few things and relax, tomorrow is another day". If I'm scheduling a chore, it's going to be one of many.

My wife has issues too. She thinks she has to wash and iron the window treatments every time I clean the windows and dust the blinds. We're an amazing team. One motivates the other.

Yeah susie? If you know more than I do about the dozens and dozens of male only conversations I've had on this topic, then you're very special indeed.

If you want to call names, I will too. Don't be so clueless. His "oh" was part of the passive resistance. If you ask, he'll deny it. But it sounds like he didn't care about it.

Oh, Elmer. You are so tiring.

Ritaweeda, could you hire a service ONCE, just to see if he notices, then ease into introducing the service on a regular schedule? He might be secretly relieved that you took the initiative and he’s off the hook. Nothing more depressing than an unused, poorly maintained pool. The worse it gets, the more everybody wants to ignore it.

who knows, once it’s looking good again, it might inspire him to take over the chore as task won’t seem so daunting.

I remember reading somewhere long ago - sorry no source - that one of the differences between men and women evolution-wise has to do with roles for survival. If I remember correctly, it was a discussion about why a guy can plop in front of the tv watching sports and the house could burn down around him and he'd likely not notice, because he's focused on the game. A mystery to his female spouse (all female spouses, I suppose). The explanation given was that for the survival of the species, the male (hunter) had to focus on one thing.....bagging food for the family/community. ONE thing. Well, maybe, two, because he also had to focus on staying alive.

But the female, mother and protector of the children, had to focus on a million things in order to keep her and her children alive. She had to be aware of every possible threat to her children, so multi tasking was bred into her genes.

As I read these observations and experiences, it seemed to fit exactly into that analysis of the differences between men and women.

Just my opinion, olychick, but I think that's bunkum.

I grew up in an immaculate house. Why? Because my parents were champion NAGS. My father would nag nag nag my mother. Both parents would nag nag nag us kids. It was like living with Mr and Mrs Pac man. I remember I once burned my hand severely because I had just finished cooking dinner,and my father was...for lack of a better term,BITCHING about literally 2 crumbs under the burner,so I went to snatch it up to clean it. It was still hot. That's why I hadn't cleaned under it,but in my rage I completely forgot and burned myself quite badly. Then he yelled at me for burning myself. Every task was like that. My mother would follow us around nagging for no reason. Once,my BIL called me to ask me to come help him grout some tile. My mother followed me around the house NAGGING me that I should wear the t-shirt with his company name on it. What else did she expect me to wear,my prom dress? She even stood outside the bathroom that morning while I was brushing my teeth and kept nagging and didn't stop until I left,wearing the company shirt that I was going to wear anyway. Then she called my BIL to make sure I hadn't changed in the car. FOR WHAT?!??!?

There is an NON NEGOTIABLE no nagging rule in my home. We ask each other once to so something. If it's not done when or how we want it,we either let it go or do it ourselves. A good example is the grass. Sometimes SO doesn't weed eat. I wish he would,but I'm not gonna go do it,because I don't want to,so I don't NAG. He knows it looks tacky and will do it eventually. He is the one who wanted all this acreage,so he maintains it. But I agreed to it,so I can't complain.

I do find Dawn's method does work,even when not used with that intention......

As far as OPs situation,sounds like a new deal needs to be struck.

@quasifish - re travertine tiles in the shower, I wanted travertine and I wipe down those damn tiles every single day and squeegee the shower door every single day and have done so for the past 8 years. I do it because that is how much I hate, no, detest, cleaning bathrooms.

There are certain chores that I do because I don't want my DH doing them such as washing dishes. painting, and vacuuming. The chores that I don't care about as to how they're done are the ones that he does, cutting the grass, putting out the garbage, changing lightbulbs, getting rid of unwanted bugs. Gotta know the strengths of your team mates.

This is getting wayyy to serious. Nobody is disagreeing with you, Elmer except one or two people. Opinions exist.

Rita specifically asked for this thread to not become a disagreement.

I can sympathize AND relate. My husband thinks once something is done, it’s permanent. House is almost 30 years old. I had to fall thru a rotting deck board before he conceded we needed to redo the deck which I’d been lobbying for for 4 years. He rebuilt the deck but I was out there every single minute helping so he couldn’t complain that I gave him a task. That was 2 years ago. He has yet to seal it but I’m not nagging. I figure this one will rot, too.

He does almost all the outside stuff and it’s hard work. I try not to complain but he certainly doesn’t do things as logically as I would think he would. He did just fix a broken roof tile that I pointed out 3-4 months ago but haven’t mentioned since. Why now? Beats me.

Flamingo, there are clear sealers that are not too aggravating to work with, you could seal the deck since rotting does become a safety issue.

"Man may work from sun to sun. Women's work is never done."

I think that is true because most men perceive 'a job' as one entity, while women see the immediate chore and everything connected to it. It's also *why* women's work is 'never done'. It also explains why the bachelor's seldom-wiped kitchen counter is more germ free than than the one a woman is constantly 'cleaning' with sponge or dishcloth.

...a woman’s work is never done...I’d rephrase that to women’s chores appear endless. I know a few very lazy women whose chores never end b/c they never start!

About nagging, some people just think that a chore, Etc. must be their idea and any nagging or civilized suggestion is always gonna fall on deaf ears. If one recognizes that personality trait, then one goes with plan b which is to do oneself or hire out until mate decides it’s his/her idea to do X. My FIL is very much that way. My DH? He’s perfect.

It is nice to know that I am not alone. I have enjoyed this discussion, it came at just the right time for me.

When one is spouselesss ...

... no nagging the other to do it.

... no complaining that it wasn't done right.

... no unhappiness that the other can't seem to relate to a second issue while the first is in play.

When such a one has a mind to complain about what was done ... or not done ... or not done right ...

... just look in the mirror.

Some one spoke of "reigning".

One "reins" a horse to guide it where one wants it to go: "reigning" is what kings (or queens) do. Sometimes one is more unobtrusive/gentle than the other?

ole joyful ... whose situation is that if he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done

(and whose [former] spouse died just over 13 years ago ... while he's still running around [sometimes complaining]).

Mark Gungor teaches about the difference in the brain wiring of men vs women. google him. he has a video called something like 'laugh your way to a better marriage' that is hilarious. He's a male version of Erma Bombeck. you'll learn a lot - and it'll make sense - while you laugh.

I think one of the reasons women feel that their work is never done is that many of the chores that women have traditionally performed are never finished. Wash the dishes and dirty ones start piling up again. Clean the bathroom and right away it starts getting hairy. Do laundry, fold and put it away and pretty soon dirty clothes are filling the laundry hamper.

Men's traditional chores, on the other hand, often need to be once and they're done. Power wash the deck and it's good for months. Change the oil in the car and several 1000 miles can be driven before it needs to be changed again. Repair something, it's fixed and doesn't have to be thought about again.

I realize that this isn't true for everything that men typically do such as mowing the grass, but I think it's more true for men than women. It's also one of the reasons women get frustrated and for some reason many men can't seem to understand why never being done is a source of frustration for women.

My hubby does the laundry, but I fold it and put it away. He just cannot see why I say that my part of this chore takes more time than his. When I point out that all he has to do is put the dirty clothes in the machine and walk away while it cleans them, but that I have to spend much more time folding and putting away, he just doesn't get that one of us is spending more time on this than the other.

To the original post I have to admit I have done it, left the dreaded task grumbled my way through, only to run out of steam/ desire to go the extra step. I don't like to be nagged into a task I doubt anyone does, I figure I will get to it when I want to Im a grown a$$ adult and no one is gonna make me. ;) Background here my mom was a TASK master and rarely satisfied etc etc. As for the deal I can't/shouldn't? but will anyway comment as I wouldn't make the deal cause I can't won't compromise yup no spouse here, (something to think about the the side of the coin so to speak) I know my limitations, and am happier for it- no need to make two people miserable. I hear this topic at work a looooot, the ladies b-ing complaining about their spouses, not many guys but I will guess they do the same. What is the trick to living with another with differing objectives, plans, priorities, how do you accept it and move on without bitterness resentment, I haven't a flipping clue, clearly. Hey you have made it this far so you clearly know something about it. Be happy life is short and we only get one trip, hmm any other cliches, go with the flow, live and let live, don't worry be happy, laugh and the whole world laughs with you,ok Im done. Wait ! love em while you got them, Frogged who hasn't learned not to stick her nose in where it doesn't belong...... yet . Now im done........

My husband is a big procrastinator about chores. If it gets so bad I can't stand it anymore, I'll start doing it. But then he gets MAD that I'm doing it because he was going to do it! And he thinks I'm criticising him or being passive aggressive. So frustrating, haha. He will also re-do my chores occasionally if it's not up to his standard. That drives me bonkers.

Our current situation is that our yard looks like garbage. I want to hire a lawn service but he balks and says it's a waste of money and he will do it, but then he doesn't. He mows like 3 times a year and our yard is the size of a postage stamp so it's not a big job... It always looks bad.

That being said, I'm sure there's plenty about my chores that annoy him!

frogged, hubby and I just celebrated our 39th anniversary. Yes, we both do things the other finds annoying but our love and friendship is so deep that only death will part us. We agree on most things, compromise on those we don't and joke/bit*h about the few things we don't - like who works hardest and spends the most time on laundry.

Chi, there are certain things that are just too obvious to neglect and I think the front lawn is one of them.

We live in a neighborhood where most have a service. We do too. We have a total 1/3 of an acre. The owners before us had a grudge with the neighbors and purposely didn't care for the lawn and even put up an ugly stockade fence. When we moved in as soon as we tidied up the lawn and removed the eyesore fence, neighbors came over to say how great things looked. The next door neighbor explained but they had to put up with and were happy that we were doing maintenance.

I used to have a joke with my previous across the street neighbor. Whenever we put out decorations or flowers etc she would thank us for improving her view!

My DH is sometimes slow sometimes too, but it is because he is either actually doing the work or overseeing the work all our rental properties. This past week it was a boiler and water heater and some electrical. He is knowledgeable in all areas and often catches mistakes.

So, how can I "nag" about something here knowing what is on his plate? So, I try to wait for a lull.

I was reminded of this thread today while cutting up watermelon. I asked hubby to get a tupperware bowl out of the cupboard, and sweetie that he is, he did just that.

Now ladies, I'm sure you will know the answer to this question. There are two parts to a tupperware bowl. What is the other one and do you suppose hubby got it out knowing that the bowl was going to be used to store the watermelon in the refrigerator?

:-)

Get rid of the deck box and then you won't need to clean it. Wait a minute. What is the deck box? Is it part of the pool equipment?