It was a ridiculous request by your SIL, but I maintain that a ridiculous request does not allow for a petty response. (Your daughter won't remember one thing about her first birthday. Your niece WILL remember the 11th and the 14th, and probably not happily.) I don't know exactly what I would have done in your shoes -- probably would have been taken aback, but because I have a 13-year old niece, I know I would do everything within my power to make her feel a part, even if that meant getting in the car myself and going to get her a special cake.

Seems a little umusual that the teenager would have liked to have celebration with the 4 YO and in a town where none or few of her friends lived. Also unusual that your SIL was so intent on such togetherness. Sounds to me like family dynamics are such she felt this great need to have her way, as if she feels of little value the rest of the time. This is only arm chair psychoanalysis so don't take my assessment or the whole thing too seriously. To get SIL out of your hair and keep the peace, apologize and assure her you will have two cakes or a large single with both names. You might be right that she's unreasonable, but what good to be right with broken family relations. This is about something other than cake and if by now you don't know what it is, it will rear its ugly head under the guise of another issue. Also when you can leave daughter with a trusted party, have a date with SIL and niece so they get reassurance that they matter. It might put an end to the whole silly situation and you'll b the better person for it. A couple of salads and burgers might work miracles for you.

I think your SIL in very pushy. After the first birthday incident, she shouldnt have asked again. I do feel sorry for the niece though. At 14 I think she would have enjoyed an adult like night out for dinner instead of celebrating with a 4 year old. I blame your SIL.

Blfenton, I think the next time the birthdays fall around Easter, my niece will be in her 20s LOL!

Aunt Jen, you are right. I have been thinking about this (probably because my SIL will be arriving shortly and have a multitude of complaints about the cleanliness of my house LOL!). And, while I still think her requests were unreasonable, knowing my SIL, there would be no way to refuse without my niece hearing and getting upset. So, I think I probably should have ruined the cake and put her name on it when my SIL started making a big deal about it as the alternative was to upset my niece---an innocent party.

And, for the 1st birthday, to be honest, it didn't occur to me to get my niece a cake--I was so focused on my daughter's birthday I didn't even remember it was my niece's birthday until the day of the party.

Bossy, my SIL has huge issues about be excluded--so this was a trigger for her. She is always getting offended, and up until last year, I was the only family member that hadn't been in a fight with her. She has gone long periods of time not speaking to her siblings--all of which are lovely people--due to some perceived slight. When this happened, I decided that all the stress I get trying to get along with my SIL was no longer worth it, and I was okay if she decided to cut us out of her life for a while.

Lisa, you are right--but we are big on celebrating as close to the actual birthday. Plus, my SIL stays with us frequently--multiple times per year for at least a week at a time--so I don't really think of her as a "guest."

Rose & Pal--thanks for your thoughts that I was not crazy in being upset by the request.

Thank you all for allowing me to work this through in my mind!

Oh, and my niece did not care at all about the name on the cake or the party being for her. She helped me quite a bit with the decorations and filling easter eggs and hiding them--she was excited about helping me with the kids as she loves kids. She did get upset when we started fighting and it was over her. It was totally my SIL insisting on the cake.

That's bizarre behavior on part of your SIL. Of course it was wrong to yell back, but I feel bad for the poor daughter. If SIL is doing things like that, goodness knows what else she is doing?

My DS and my cousin's daughter are born 2 years and 2 days apart. So we have a joint family party every year. We have separate "friend" parties if we want. I think that's very different than 10 years apart though, especially when you had already addressed celebrating DN's bday in a more age-appropriate fashion!

My brother got engaged 2 days before my wedding and married on my 30th birthday, though, so obviously I don't have these issues.

Now that you explained things in further detail, it is clear that your SIL has issues.

Only for the sake of the niece would I try to clear the air.

It is easy to sit here in our comfortable chairs offering advise and what would be the right thing to do. But, in this case, you were at your breaking point. I can understand wanting to have a ten year included in the birthday, especially if this might be the only time she is celebrating since she is away from home. But , it was unreasonable to for your SIL to ask that you share your daughter's first birthday cake.

The first birthday is really a milestone for the parents. What does a one year old know? Your SIL should have respected this.

Fast forward, here we go again! With all the pent up resentment from the first time, plus the difficulty of this woman in general, just made you snap. I understand it, and I have done it myself. Your emotions are your emotions.

All this said, unfortunately you can't change your SIL. But, you can change your reactions to her. Here's is what I have to do to sometimes to get through an evening with my SIL. I take deep breaths, and visualize myself being calm and not reacting to something that she will say. And, she will say something. My daughter's told me recently that they had a bet on who their aunt would "insult" the worst. She is not a mean or vindictive person, she just isn't too connected to what she says and how it is perceived. Sometimes it is her way of getting her point across. For example, saying something like" Your hair looked so nice when it was curly." Or, "The last time I saw you with make-up you looked so much better." What are my daughters supposed to do with these comments?

Try to make amends with your SIL. I feel for you. Week long visits!

Thanks for understanding Ellendi. You summarized exactly how it happened--I did snap when she kept making comments even after I had showed her the cake and how it was not conducive to writing anything on it and reminded her that there would be a cake at MIL's house. But, as I have said, after the comments on this thread, I realize that my niece's feelings were not worth the presentation of a cake. And my response was more "wrong" than my SIL's requests.

Good ideas about handling my reactions. Most of the time I feel sorry for her, because her worst fears of being excluded are constantly being realized due to her own behavior. I can't imagine going through life constantly feeling attacked by everyone.

My SIL and I are fine. After the fight, I apologized profusely to my niece right away. I did not apologize to my SIL and determined that I was not going to apologize as I did not value the relationship enough. She, however did apologize to me, and I know she was very sorry to have upset me. She did not think that there was anything wrong with her request.

She has visited since then, and everything is fine. Things have just changed for me--I kind of dread her visits and I find it hard to accommodate her constant issues. Before this, they kind of amused me as they were often very outrageous. I doubt she has noticed the change in me as I have been very nice to her and my niece.

"...but we are big on celebrating as close to the actual birthday."

I think that one statement/excuse reveals a lot. A first birthday party really means nothing to a toddler, so holding the party when relatives are not there should not really be an issue unless you want it to be one. Then, once you remembered that your niece was having her birthday, too, couldn't someone have apologized (oh my gosh, I was so focused on baby, that I completely forgot! Let's run pick out your cake, too!) and run out for a cake for her rather than arguing about putting her name on the cake?

So, I think you are both to blame here. I suspect your SIL thought her little girl might feel hurt that first time and she may have over-reacted. Then, those hurt feelings have been carried forward by you both. My heart breaks for your niece. I imagine she will dread any birthdays celebrated when visiting again.

Grown-ups need to behave better in front of children. No excuses allowed.

Cyn, thanks for your comments. While I feel terrible about how I reacted to my SILs request at my daughter's 4th birthday, I feel okay as far as my response to SIL on my daughter's 1st birthday.

My SIL visits us frequently, she just calls and announces that she is coming. She could stay with her parents, but prefers to stay with us. She then stays sometimes as long as 2 weeks in the summer. Every holiday she hems and haws about whether she is coming and when. She often does not tells us until the night before when or if she is coming. So, I was not considering her at all in planning my daughter's 1st party. The date was within a week of my daughter's 1st birthday and worked for my family. And, it wasn't a problem for me for her to be there for her own niece and goddaughters 1st birthday party. We have plenty of room for guests.

When SIL confirmed she was coming, I did not think about my niece's birthday at all--I didn't even remember that it would be a few days before Easter. Until the morning of the party when SIL reminded my husband, I totally forgot that my niece had recently had a birthday. (She may have reminded my husband ahead of time, but he didn't remind me).

It still didn't occur to me to go get a cake--I was focused on getting things ready for my guests. When SIL started hounding my husband about how we were going to include her daughter in the celebration, I did rush to call my family to ask them to bring a small gift and wrapped a few things for my sister (who didn't have time to stop) to give. We always give $50--so that was easy. The cake didn't occur to me as my mom was in charge of my daughter's cake. When my mom brought in the 1st birthday cake and SIL asked for her daughter's name to be added, I was shocked and just said, no--my mom made it special for my daughter's first birthday--see all the decorations. I don't even remember what happened after that--everyone was there and wanting my attention. My husband told me SIL was furious and going to buy her own cake. Nothing further was said to me--although she complained to my husband.

That is why I tried to avoid a duplicate for the 4th birthday. And I guess it didn't occur to me not to have my daughter's party when it worked for us and my family, when we never know when SIL is going to arrive anyway. Sometimes she arrives late in the evening on the Sat before Easter--and in that case, she wouldnt even be her for my daughter's party.

Like I said, I emailed SIL about the 4 year old party, about going out for dinner, and asked her for suggestions on what to put in niece's Easter basket as I always put one together for her. MIL told SIL that she got 2 cakes for the girls on Sunday. I made sure to wish niece happy birthday and she was very excited about meeting all my daughters little friends. But, I cannot make any excuses for what happened over the bunny cake!

Ha! I guess I am getting defensive LOL

I don't think you should ever feel bad about making your daughters first birthday special. It has nothing to do with how she remembers it, it's all about the parents. And adding a name to a cake that doesn't already have a place for writing? Nutty, as your sil. And demanding it too, forcing her way into a party, Pretty weird. That you have anything to do with her is surprising but I feel sorry for her daughter.

Yes, you responded defensively but that doesn't mean you should have done it her way, at all.

Your SIL is a bit of a nut. On the whole, you've done an amazing job of keeping the peace.

A 14-year old is old enough to be told that her birthday will be celebrated when they get home. 14-year old and 4-year old have nothing in common.

I've just glanced through the responses and see there is a big variety of opinions. For me personally, I think the SIL was out of line. If she was interested in working out a birthday for 2 she should have addressed the idea with you way before the day and if you had declined for whatever reason, she should have respected that. Sure it wasn't a good thing to yell and argue with her in front of the 14 year old, but most 14 years olds are not interested in a child's party. She's probably smarter than you think, got the gist of the conversation and new where it was headed. Four year olds are a different story but 14 I wouldn't worry as much about.

At 14 (heck, 12), I would have been mortified to have a birthday party with a 4-year old.

Eh, why obsess about birthday externalia like cake is my opinion. But, if my niece had a birthday on the same day as my daughter and was visiting me, I would try to do something nice for her and make her feel loved, valued and welcomed in my home. On the flip side, I don't think it hurts someone to occasionally not get exactly the perfect thing they want all the time, such is life. Like Mimi said, a good lesson to learn in life is it doesn't always have to be about you. If you've really tried to show love to your sil and niece in your heart and through your actions, then I wouldn't sweat the icing details and I would not make my sil's problems into my problems. I'd try and shrug it off. You probably lost your temper at your sil about more than just this cake thing. Hard to treat difficult people well and love and value them without being a doormat (ask me how I know, lol). But can be done if you can detach a little bit. But also, if you lost your temper, just shows that you are human and I wouldn't lose sleep over that either. Honestly I would scratch my head over the fact that I even had to talk cake minutia with someone, but that's just me.

PInkmountain, you are right, after it happened, I would think--I can't believe I lost my temper over a name in icing on a cake--seems like such a ridiculous thing. I think it was because I really thought that I had handled everything in a way to avoid any cake issues!

I joke with my sisters that I am a stay at home mom--so all I have is a well orchestrated birthday party complete with themed cake LOL! Along with the occasional art project I volunteer to coordinate at the school.

And, my niece's birthday is not the same day as my daughters--it is a few days before--although that doesn't really change anything.

"My SIL visits us frequently, she just calls and announces that she is coming. She could stay with her parents, but prefers to stay with us. She then stays sometimes as long as 2 weeks .in the summer. Every holiday she hems and haws about whether she is coming and when. "

Here's where you lost me. There seem to be no boundaries.

Next visit order 2 cakes.

After the added details, I would have to agree with pinkmountain and maddielee.

Apologies for skipping some of the last comments here to post my own, but the SIL in question resembles my middle sister! My sister is somewhat scattered in her thought processes & does do a lot of the same things you describe: hemming & hawing about decisions until the last moment (& then often making a hasty choice & consequently lamenting it), fixating on things to the point of madness & creating arguments out of insignificant details. We all love her, & she has her good points, but @ the same time, she can drive everyone crazy & is a very fearful & insecure person - & a hothead to boot. I see a lot of that behavior as a way for her to feel in control of her world. She just cannot seem to relax. (She's also a helicopter parent to the extreme; my nephew has some cognitive, behavioral & sensory disabilities & she keeps him on a very tight leash.)

I've learned to let it go most of the time, but there are times when my patience gets worn thin & I wind up snapping. I've realised there will never be any 'winning' in any disagreement w/ her. She just digs in & will not be overruled, or reasoned w/ on anything.

Mostly I just feel sorry for her seeming blindness to this dysfunctional state of affairs - life is so short & love & family are among the few things of true value in it.

Not trying to hijack this thread, just hoping to provide another p.o.v. & to show you're not alone.

I see that a couple of people have beat me to saying it, but SIL sounds like a nut case. And I really feel for the niece. When my daughter turned 14 she was excited about having her first (well chaperoned) boy/girl party, and would have been insulted to be included in a pre-school party, other than in an "adult" role of helping to supervise the kids and set up the party.

Presumably her daughter already had a 1st birthday party and she should have respected your family's wish to make your daughter's 1st birthday special.

Pinkmountain said: "But, if my niece had a birthday on the same day as my daughter and was visiting me".

But that wasn't the case. I don't think that furby stated that the girls have the same birthday, just that they both have birthdays in mid April.

Therefore, I hereby absolve furby from feeling guilt over these incidents. :)

OMG, Carol--you really have described my SIL!!! I didn't think there was another person like her! On the plus side, she is very good hearted. I could call her in the middle of the night with a problem and she would drive the six hours to come help me (after she had smoked a pack of cigarettes, had a few cups of coffee, dithered about which route to take, and got offended that she was not the first person I called LOL!)

I do feel bad for her as she is often very unhappy as she feels she is constantly being snubbed--by everyone from her daughter's teachers to neighbors to people at her church. And there is no way to talk to her about any of this as she is totally blind to it.

I am resolving right now to have a nice visit! They will be here shortly and I will need to give her my full attention. :)

She visits us frequently as my FIL has not been in good health for several years. She comes to "help" out. She will not stay with them as she had a falling out with her step mother years ago. She does not require much entertaining, and is gone most of the day, and my niece hangs out with us. It is easier to just go with the flow with her as any mention about needing to know specifics regarding her visit results in her getting very upset.

Thanks Terriks!

I was really just curious whether other people would have added the name to the cake even though it would ruin the aesthetics of the cake? (For sure, 2 cakes purchased by me in advance would have been the solution)

As Roseanne Rosannadanna would say, "It's always something. If it's not one thing, it's another thing." If you would have done all the cake things it would have likely been something else. There are people in my family who always seem to have some kind of issue and I have to try hard to roll with the punches because there is just no pleasing them. Most of the time I just shrug it off, but then sometimes I just snap.

BTW, I definitely would NOT have put the niece's name on the bunny cake.

Does the SIL never provide a birthday cake for her own daughter? Is she staying at your house through her daughter's birthday, or does her daughter's birthday occur after she leaves. Does the poor girl never have a birthday to invite her friends to? Has her mother ever provided a birthday cake for her?

Yes she was extremely pushy and rude and she got on your last nerve. She had no consideration for you or your daughter so I would have politely told her husband that now was not the time to insist on another name on the cake as it was for your daughter only. Stay away from her lol.

Did she bring a present for your child? Kinda adding onto what voila says, I also was wondering if she had provided a cake for her daughter on her actual 14th birthday, and if so, why in the world would she even consider that it is ok to think someone else should add her daughter to their child's celebration except as one of the guests. SIL's daughter already HAD her 14th birthday. When my kids were young, it never would have occurred to me or my kids that they would be entitled to horn in on someone else's party and steal/share their limelight. That is just nuts and rude behavior! A pre-planned shared party would be a different story. She should have accepted that her daughter was getting a cake on Easter by the MIL and ask you if it would be ok for her daughter to help with the little ones, if daughter was willing, as mentioned above. And wanting to add your own child's name to someone else's cake, at any age, especially a first, is just bizarre. Like mimipadv, I, too, would have been mortified at 14 to share a party with 4 year olds. Seems like you may have unwittingly contributed to her entitled behavior by not setting stronger boundaries over the years, though.

Wondering where the husbands are during the disagreement? Your DH is the sibling,right? And, what about the SIL's husband? Curious about their reactions because men typically don't have the emotional reactions that woman do. OP, in my eyes you are a saint for dealing with any houseguest for over a week!

"Ha! I guess I am getting defensive"

I absolutely agree greed with you.

Sorry, I don't agree with most. Yes, you probably over reacted the second time, but that was normal. You didn't even know about them coming until one day before the first birthday and she insisted on a party and cake for her daughter?! The other thing that bothers me is that she could stay with her parents, but doesn't. She can't get away with anything at their house. Why doesn't your husband tell his sister she is out of line. I certainly would not put up with the I don't know when or if I'm coming. I think you are very gracious to continue to have them as house guests.

I have a cousin with whom I share a birthday, she was born on my 6th birthday. My uncle came from the hospital to my 6th bday party with a balloon and a polaroid and announced to my guests that the baby was my present. I got some serious ooohs and aaahs for the best gift ever.

There's an opportunity for your daughter and your niece to have a special bond. My cousin and I never forget each other on OUR birthday.

What I hear is two people who love THEIR daughter's and want their birthdays to be what mom thinks is "perfect". First Birthdays have some mystique with many moms...no way will a mom be comfortable sharing it or having it hijacked. After the first birthday debacle I would not have risked the repeat and SIL would not have been staying at my home at this time. The best way to avoid a no win situation is to stop them before they happen!! You have refused to LEARN from your interactions with your SIL. You only have three choices, do it her way ALWAYS, do it your way and let her anger bounce off you or prevent it from happening over and over!!

IMHO SIL did next to nothing for her daughter and then in the face of what you did for yours..she tried to horn in. Why didn't she come with a plan, with a request before even getting to your home? She didn't want the comparison--what your daughter got vs what she planned for her own. You didn't help hide her lacking. I disagree that you were rude. You warned your SIL, you kept everyone in the loop of your plan..and you then followed through with it. You were assertive. Because your SIL attempted to hijack your plans and embarrass you into veering from your plan--sorry that is all on her and she gambled poorly. I applaud your brave back bone. Most, it seems from reading this, would have buckled. I am on the other side of this "family" so endure all opinions. Life is too short to take an emotional beating--just because it is FAMILY. Hopefully the poor teen who may or may not have witnessed adults disagreeing learned to plan ahead and not ASSUME just because you are a guest!! It is ok for teens to see REAL..it really is.

The entire situation and all attendant circumstances floors me, as I cannot imagine one adult acting like that, let alone two. Some observations.......if the first incident happened when your daughter turned one, perhaps you were a young bride with your first and only child? Wanting everything to be perfect, still not fully cognizant of the kind of family you married into? Surely you knew your SIL's instability since you say you were the only relative who had not had a noisy disagreement with her.

The second episode, which concluded in a distasteful public display, was completely avoidable.

I agree with whomever above said that the disagreements are obviously about something else altogether, but I think that it is you with the unspoken issues, not your SIL. She has no trouble voicing her opinion or horning in or arguing....this is her nature. You are the one who exploded and acted "out of character"....for reasons not fully explained or perhaps even acknowledged to yourself.

This is interesting: "My SIL visits us frequently, she just calls and announces that she is coming. She could stay with her parents, but prefers to stay with us. She then stays sometimes as long as 2 weeks in the summer. Every holiday she hems and haws about whether she is coming and when. She often does not tells us until the night before when or if she is coming. "

But this is illuminating:. "Until the morning of the party when SIL reminded my husband, I totally forgot that my niece had recently had a birthday. (She may have reminded my husband ahead of time, but he didn't remind me).

And this:. "My SIL and I are fine. After the fight, I apologized profusely to my niece right away. I did not apologize to my SIL and determined that I was not going to apologize as I did not value the relationship enough. She, however did apologize to me, and I know she was very sorry to have upset me. She did not think that there was anything wrong with her request.

and this: "And, it wasn't a problem for me for her to be there for her own niece and goddaughters 1st birthday party. We have plenty of room for guests.

Your SIl deals with your husband rather than you. The woman has a difficult personality and history, of which you are well aware. And she is your own child's goddaughter. And yet you did not consider it necessary to at least apologize for shouting at her in a temper?

You either need to either 1. work it out with the SIL (and your husband);

2. suck it up, endure the visits and keep quiet and polite regardless of what happens; or

3. set some normal boundaries without trying to demonstrate that you welcome your in-law family under any and all circumstances, because clearly you do not. When the lid is too tightly fixed on a boiling tea kettle the steam will eventually blow it off.

I would categorize it like this: your SIL has a difficult personality, and these birthday events were just two examples. You walk on eggshells around her, and on a couple of occasions just lost it.

I have someone like your SIL in my extended family, so I feel your pain. There is no way to "work it out" with someone like your SIL. You can minimize exposure to her, and suck it up when you have to, but that's about it.

What is your husband's take on all this? Multiple visits a year for at least a week? Ouch!

Thanks for the additional comments! As far as the question about the husbands...my husband generally deals with SIL about her visits and any issues. I tend to send her pictures via email, and will email chatty updates every few weeks, and will email her if I NEED to know something specific about a visit. She lives 6 hours away, so I don't see her on a daily basis--just about every other month or so when she visits.

After the fight over the bunny cake, my husband told SIL that she needed to leave the house and go stay with their parents as she continued to complain and yell about it to him. She refused.

I don't think she really thought the fight was any big deal. I was so upset I was shaking, partly because I have never yelled at anyone like that before (except my husband) and I was surprised at my strong reaction. After several hours, when I was getting a bed ready for my niece, SIL came in and said "Are we Okay?" My niece and kids were there so I said yes and acknowledged that the adults in the house were behaving worse than the children. I couldn't believe that she thought "things were okay", but I guess the interaction was not as much of a big deal to her as to me.

Then about 1/2 hour later, she apologized, and I said it was fine. (Yes I should have specifically apologized myself for losing my temper, but I was not sorry at the time, I was still really mad. If I am honest with myself, I still am not sorry for yelling at her--but I am sorry that I did it in front of my niece.) Anyway, we have not brought it up since.

As far as KSWL's comments, I have long been aware of SIL's personality, but I am pretty laid back and it had never affected me personally before. And yes, at the time, I determined that the relationship was not worth it to me to apologize and make things right. Given that my SIL apologized and then was totally fine by the end of the night, everything has been resolved. Except that I do not feel as tolerant of her personality anymore. On the plus side, she is probably a bit more careful to be considerate of me.

I subscribe to KSWL's No. 2 option (except when bunny cakes are involved). If I lived close to SIL, I definitely would have to set stronger boundaries, but it has been over 15 years, and the only major disagreements we have had were the cake issues. In general, I just go along with her as it's temporary and generally doesn't personally affect me.

So far our current visit is going fine. I do not anticipate any personal problems with her--although she has already hung up on MIL over the Thanksgiving menu. LOL!

I appreciate all the comments. Interesting to hear different perspectives. This happened at Easter, so time has gone by and there have been subsequent visits, but MTN's post made me think about it and wonder whether other people would have put the name on the cake. It does sound so silly when writing about it. I guess every family has its own dynamics.

As far as my SIL doing something for niece's party--most years, Easter does not fall in the same week as the girls' birthdays. I assume she has some type of party for her at home. SIL is very last minute about things--so her not planning a cake at our house would not be unusual. For the first birthday, I didn't anticipate the issue at all, as I forgot that my niece's birthday was that week. For the 4th birthday, I thought everything was resolved given that there would be 2 cakes at Easter dinner, my niece was helping me with the 4 year old party, and we were going out for dinner for niece's birthday--at which time we would have some type of birthday dessert and sing. (Of course that didn't happen) LOL!

This is a tricky one for me.. birthdays are a big deal here and I am very close with my nieces and nephews. I would have gone out of my way to have made the niece's birthday special. Would I have added her name to a 1 yo cake? No.. but I'd have made darn sure there was an age appropriate cake for her! As well as presents. Same goes for the next year... you host a special party for your child and then propose "going out" for the 14 yo niece. No effort. Nothing particularly special. These are tough years for girls-- 11 and 14. To (basically) dismiss the birthday wouldn't have crossed my mind! The (much) older kids go out for their birthdays-- but I am talking 20 yos. Dinner out for a 14 yo is an afterthought or an add-on IMO.

I strongly believe that the younger bday party should have been on a day without visitors with a child birthday in the same range or an effort should have been made for (again) and age appropriate bday. I can't imagine not doing so.

NONE of my thoughts and my "this is what I'd have done" excuses SIL's behavior.. or yours for that matter. You know you were out of line so I am just going to let that go.

I don't know all the details but the regular visits appear to be to help out with her inlaws. I don't know how much work or obligation there is there-- but it's hard to travel that distance with a kid, with birthdays etc. You say she is not usually "there" all that much. Perhaps that is part of what adds to the tension.

Either way, whatever you do (or don't do) is for the child not her mother. Putting a little effort into it benefits her. She's away from her friends and her home on her birthday .. doesn't take much effort to do a little something extra. It doesn't take away from your child.. but I am certain it would have meant a lot to your niece.

Your DH explicitly told her to leave the house ... and she refused? Why is she allowed to steamroll over your family this way? Somebody needs to set some boundaries, and quickly. I don't care if it is family -- if you ask someone to leave your home - they leave.

I've read all the posts, so won't repeat. Agree with many, especially Auntjen's last comment.

"If I lived close to SIL, I definitely would have to set stronger boundaries,"

But she visits/stays with you about every other month, so it really doesn't matter how far away she lives. imo, there should have been boundaries from the get-go. Whether or not you mind her coming to visit or staying with you is beside the point.

Tell her she can't come anymore, except perhaps, on an agreed time set by you and your husband. Maybe once a year for one week, period. Explain why.

Just say no. Stop being a doormat. Stop placating her. You are enabling her, as is your husband. Something's off with her.

Thank you everyone again for your thoughtful comments. Many comments gave me some perspectives I had not considered.

As far as my SIL's visits, they are not an issue for me. At least not an issue, that I am willing to alienate her over. There would be no way to limit her visits without her being hurt beyond belief. (If she had stayed mad at me for losing my temper, I was willing to let the relationship go, rather than grovel, but since she apologized, all is okay as far as I am concerned).

I don't think we are enabling her as she is who she is. If we changed our response to her, it would just hurt her--it wouldn't make her suddenly realize that she is the one with the problem. My motto as far as many things in life is to never fight a losing battle--its just a waste of energy. If I can't change someone or something, then I find a way to change me so that I can be happy with it. I only have control over myself and my reactions.

We have a very open door policy as far as guests, and we often have overnight guests. BIL stays with us at least once a month for a few days as he has clients in our area. When he first moved to USA, he stayed with us for several months. As mentioned, SIL is here regularly. My sisters and family often stay in the summer as we have a pool and are close to the beach. And on a weekly basis, I host a playdate with sometimes as many as 15 kids and moms.

SIL can be a PITA, but most of the time (minus times where cake is involved LOL) I can tolerate her just fine---although after the cake debacle, my tolerance for her is lower. She does make some very rude comments about our house and the guest room, but my husband just tells her that if she doesn't like it, to go stay with their parents, and that normally shuts her up.

I just go about my normal life even when she is here--that is why it never occurred to me to specifically plan my daughter's party when she is not here. She has been here numerous times for my older daughter's party as well, as it falls around MLK Day, so she makes the trip up as her daughter is out of school.

Anyway, now that you all know more than you ever wanted about my relationship with my SIL, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Funkart, I found your comment interesting! I have 14 nieces/nephews. We give each one $50 for their birthday (although we are often late as I am terrible keeping track of all the birthdays). I attend parties for my local nieces and nephews. But, I do not do anything more than that to make their birthday special--that is up to their parents. So it would not occur to me that it was up to me to plan a big birthday celebration for my niece simply because her birthday was within a week of her visit. That would be up to her parents either the weekend before or after the visit.

Paying for everyone to go out to eat to celebrate her birthday, (plus giving her $50 and perfume) is way beyond what we do for any other niece/nephew. Her birthday was not while she was in town visiting us--it had been few days ago while she was at home. But, your comment gives me insight into what my SIL was probably thinking--I was not doing enough for my niece as compared to what I was doing for my daughter.

While my niece is here in the summer, she stays with us while SIL is at her parents all day. I take her to the movies, beach, shopping, museums, acquarium--I plan a nice time for her. This is also more than is done for any other niece/nephew. I also put together a very nice Easter basket with itunes cards, makeup, movie tickets, ect.

I guess I am getting defensive again LOL! But, a perspective I had not considered--I will have to give it more thought to see if I agree.

Please don't let my post make you feel defensive.. I tried to explain where I was coming from. I did not mean to in ANY WAY suggest you had to spend more money. It's not about money but about feeling special.. included. These things are important to young girls.

Is the niece an only child? I don't know why I am asking but for some reason, I think my feeling that she was an only child made me feel more strongly that I'd include her in a celebration (NOT at all at the cost of your daughter though!!)

Anyhow, I am sorry if i made you feel bad. You asked for thoughts and I shared mine. You say it's all good now.. so let it go and enjoy your holiday!!

Hi Funky--you didn't make me feel bad--just made think things through a bit more.

My niece is an only child.

And, yes, all is good. Mtn's post just made me remember Easter, and wonder what the proper response would have been to the request for the name. I guess I wasn't thinking about all the various angles that people would present. And, it is sometimes hard to accept criticism/feedback when you were not expecting it for a specific matter. But, I try to hear what people say, think it through, and decide whether it is warranted. I was feeling defensive as perhaps criticism is warranted for completely different things than I had ever considered.

Now, its time to move on to the current "argument" of the night.....what type of stuffing we should have. I told my husband---just let SIL make the kind she wants--we have 364 other days in the year to make whatever kind of stuffing we want (minus the days she will be staying wtih us LOL!)

LOL.. I can't call stuffing a hot topic in our house-- because there is NO discussion. Everyone (other than me) wants the same kind--basic bread stuffing. I long for something new and different!

A ffew days ago, I posted a recipe for a turkey tenderloin stuffed with butternut squash, cranberries, pecans that I thought looked delicious (and healthy)! Tonight, a friend posted her prep photos and mentioned that tomorrow she'd stuff the butternut turkey. Butternut? Turkey? My ears pricked up.. oh yes! She is making the recipe I posted. I can't wait to hear how it turns out! A turkey tenderloin is definitely a size for my house.. and the stuffing sounds divine!

I dont know why people post these types of questions, as the situation changes shape each time the OP is told something he or she doent like or agree with ..... Different circumstances are explained.....new facts come to light.

Your family situation is obviously very complicated and i dont think there is a simple answer to whether or not anyone else would put a name on a bunny cake. Frankly i find it bizarre that that is your only question about it.

"I was really just curious whether other people would have added the name to the cake even though it would ruin the aesthetics of the cake"

Definitely the aesthetics of a cake are more important than people's feelings.

Yes, that is very major sarcasm. I seriously ope the 14 year old is more mature than the adults involved and that she can provide behavior examples for her young cousin.

One of the things that happens with these threads, is that the posters starts out with an abbreviated version. But if you think about how long it might take to explain the situation to a friend who probably already knows something about the people involved, it would take a lot more time than what people put in a post. You are usually missing enough information to be helpful. Just enough to be dangerous.

The big picture that emerges to me is your sister-in-law is a real pain in the neck. People who are very difficult sometimes elicit bad behavior in the most serene individuals. I don't how much the particular matter, you feel bad about how you've handled it. I wouldn't dwell on it, just move forward with a lesson learned. If you do that, at least it won't all of have been in vain.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Thanks for all the responses--some were very helpful as far as how to handle things in the future!

Funky--you will have to have a dinner party in a few months (when people are not sick of turkey) and make a new and exciting turkey dinner and stuffing LOL!