We went to see Paul Newman today and met an amazing person who rescues cats and dogs from city pounds where they face certain death. She and a small group of foster home volunteers take care of them until they can find them homes. She screens people very carefully. I had to provide references and she called them - my vet and my cat sitter. He was a sweet cat but not overwhelmingly all over you and in your face. He's seriously overweight (20 lbs) which may be the reason he's kind of lethargic for a three year old cat. We'd have to be sure we could address the weight problem with our multiple cat household - including one IBD cat whose dietary needs are high priority. He doesn't look as much like a Siamese cat as I was originally hoping for - really just his face and shoulders. Otherwise his lower two thirds are all dark brown. I noticed quite a few older Siamese cats are darker like this. Do they just get darker with age? The young ones are always light with the distinctive markings on face and feet which I love. He also seemed to have a bit of abdominal sensitivity which we're wondering about. He is vet checked, shots, feline leukemia negative, etc. but we're investigating just how thorough his exam was. Since I have one old cat with special needs I do really want to get a younger cat that is at least healthy to start with. Anyway, Paul Newman wasn't the "perfect" Siamese cat I have been dreaming of but he is very sweet and needs a good, permanent home. So at this point I'm kind of wondering if I should be giving him that home or continuing to search.

Things are better today. DH is feeling better today, yesterday was a "bad" day, today is a "good" day. We were told that would be the case for the next three to six months. My daughter came over and cleaned house, that's a regular thing on saturdays anyway, and she did a few extra chores as directed by my DH, so he is not only feeling better, but he's feeling more in control of his life. His eldest son called to check on him (he wasn't involved in the yard cleaning) and chat a bit, DH called his middle son and they talked, cheered him up considerably. He called my son last evening and asked him to bring my two little grandaughters over for a short visit tomorrow afternoon. DH's oldest grandaughter came by to give her Grandpa a big hug and a visit. We still haven't heard a thing from the 'drama queens' and that's ok, the last thing he needs is any more 'drama' in his life right now. I hope they stay away as long as possible. DH has decided to let it all go, he says it is their problem now, not his. He's getting a ton of support from people who love and respect him. I'm going along with whatever he wants, plus I won't allow anyone to walk on me ever again. I'll be 'nice' but I'll stand my ground. Thank you all for your good advice and for letting me vent a bit. It has really helped. And thank you for the good wishes on my sweetheart's recovery and rehabilitation. We're looking forward to quite a few more good years of gardening together.

I am in a similar situation except maybe a bit more complicated, who knows! I understand. Either way, you have to be understanding to all sides of the story, including that she is their mother and may not like you being a part of the children's lives like you want. But, if you and your man are going to make it work, eventually they will have to get to know you. As far as him...I understand that the way he is trying to deal with everything in his head is the right way (which it's not, but to him it is...for now), and you can't make him change. He needs to realize himself...that although it will be hard (more than hard or a bump in the road), that if it's you he wants to be with, he needs to focus on getting himself together as an individual and take a chance in not living with the children and realize he can have both, maybe not exactly how he wants...but it's a compromise. Basically, he has some things to figure out (and so do you). Will you always want to have to deal with his ex and everything that comes with her? Nomatter how much it seems like everything is in place, he is not...none of you are. It does take a toll on the children and I understand he wants to see them everyday and be in the same house and help financially, but where do each of you want to be next year...or say in 5 years? How long can this go on? I hope that it works out and soon. Believe me, I am not judging, just giving you things to think about that I know I have. I am only 23 but I feel I've been through quite a bit for my age. My man and I have been together off and on for 5 years, he is 33. Within those 5 years we have had other partners, he has gotten a divorce, had 3 children, I moved away and came back, and now he lives with his ex-wife...all the while she's known about me and wants me to have nothing to do with the children. Things have come a long way. We plan to get married and have children of our own and even move in soon, but with all the rollercoaster action in our past, we want to make sure everything is right before going to the next step. He is figuring out his life and so am I so we can become a union and bring God in our relationship.

drcinbd, like Karen, I'm sorry I didn't comment earlier. I wrote comments several times but deleted them because this is a very "hot-button" issue for me. Please do not end this relationship because your children object. If you do, you are abdicating responsibility for your own life to them and that is not healthy. I don't know when we shifted from a society that taught respect for the autonomy of other adults, including parents, to one that expected that life decisions should be made based on the opinions of others, particularly adult children. Before you were a husband or a father, you were most likely a fully-functioning, independent person in your own right. You got an education, built a career, entered into a long, successful marriage and parented five children into independent adulthood. While I suspect you sometimes sought the counsel of others, I doubt you did all of that so successfully by giving others a vote on every decision that you or you and your late wife made. If you end this relationship now, your children will most likely object to the next woman you want to marry, and so on. You will spend the rest of your life without the shared joy of a partner because your children are self-centered and don't want their lives to change in any way. Sadly, life has changed - your wife died and you did not. Have any of the five volunteered to give up their lives to live with you and be your companion for the rest of your life? If they aren't prepared to do that, what right do they have to expect you not to move forward with your life in the way that you choose? Why should you remain alone, because that is what they prefer? How would your remarriage harm them? It isn't like you could or would replace their mother. Employers replace people. Sports teams replace people. Families expand and grow in love because people join and leave them through many different avenues; birth, marriage, adoption, divorce, etc. What happened to loving your parent enough to both want their happiness and respect their autonomy? Please, talk to your love before just ending things. She should have a vote in this, not your children. This is her life, too. From experience, I can tell you that if you marry, there will be unhappy times when your children act on their feelings because you will not be able to shield her or your relationship completely and as their father, you will be hurt. Please remember that however difficult, it is only one part of your life, not the whole. I am married to the man I have loved since I was 17. We've been married for 5 years and in a relationship for 8. We were engaged at 21 but for reasons having nothing to do with our love for one another, he broke things off. He went on to have a very happy 30-year marriage until his wife died after a two-year battle with cancer. He contacted me through Classmates, 9 months after her death, and we built a friendship over months of email correspondence. Eventually, we fell in love again, met in person and began to talk about a future together. There were many challenges and obstacles, but we married 3 years after his late wife's death. My daughters love him and his youngest, while not thrilled, has been accepting and gracious. On the other hand, my husband's oldest daughter was unhappy from the beginning and behaved that way. She estranged herself from her father because she feels that by seeking me out and pursuing a relationship, he disrespected her mother. She has been awful to both of us and blamed me for many things that simply aren't true. I have tried to stay in the background and encouraged my husband to do things with her, without me. Individually and collectively we have tried everything we can think of to make things better. We gave her time and asked only that she be polite when we had to be in the same place. Her dad has spent many hours over the last 7 years listening to her feelings and opinions. He has apologized for his missteps and tried to make amends, but she prefers her version of things. He even agreed to therapy with a therapist of her choosing and went for about 9 months. Despite everything, she is adamant that he should have ended our relationship because she wanted him to and that she is perfectly right to estrange herself from her only living parent because he didn't. But, drcinbd, even with this sadness, we are happy and neither of us has regrets about marrying. Yes, there have been upsets and unhappiness surrounding his daughter's feelings and behavior, but they have not taken away from the joy of having found one another. I was with him this year when his cancer came back and he had to have radiation and chemo. He was my biggest supporter when I struggled to finally finish my degree and then found out (at 60) that I have serious ADHD. Yes, there have been MANY challenges as we worked to build a relationship, but it has been worth it! We are good for each other and to each other, and neither of us regrets our decision to marry, in any way. Yes, there are times when I weary of his daughter's toxicity and wonder why she is so awful to me, but every minute I get to spend with my husband brings me more happiness than all of the misery she has caused, put together. I have never been happier than I am in this marriage, with this man. We will continue to work to reconcile with with his daughter for as long as it takes, but cannot do more. Sorry to be so long-winded. Please do not deprive yourself of the possibility of a joyful and fulfilling marriage with someone who sounds perfect for you. Keep trying with your children, but don't sacrifice two other lives to their selfishness. At 57, you probably have many more years of life ahead. Grab this chance at happiness and hold on tight. Best of luck to you!