Adult Stepchild moving back in... I'm less than thrilled
husbandchuck
14 years ago
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imamommy
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Adult stepdaughter moved in.
Comments (15)she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best....See MoreAdult SD, move out date, DH stalling, etc.
Comments (34)Well, you certainly have been vocal about enjoying your adult kids at home and I can certainly relate. My own family would be easy for me to tolerate - they've never mistreated me or mine and if they ever did get moody, I'd have no problem speaking my mind. And, in my old age, I really hope my dear sons do come back home after college. I'd love it! I hope we'll always be close as my parents and I have always been close. And, if I ever do need something in my advancing years, I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on my skids to help out - it just isn't their thing. It will be MY family who has always been there for me and who I can count on - hopefully, my sons will be of a similar mind to me and not of the thinking that my skids have - they're selfish, spoiled and have a huge sense of entitlement. I pray they mature and grow out of that stage, but I haven't really seen signs of that happening. My youngest's b-day is Thurs. and she said, "I'm gonna take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you a big dinosaur!" Meanwhile, my oldest (turned 7 a month ago) is still waiting for his trip there, also promised, but never delivered though she did decorate a little on his b-day w/ balloons that I had around. He asked me when she was going to take him and I just said for him not to ask her again as I guess she forgot and it isn't polite to keep asking. Not sure what else to do here. When my friends had a surprise shower for me, neither SD brought so much as a card. Christmas? Nothing for me or the boys again. Do you see a pattern? And, before you ask, yes, I shop for them, but what I buy is usually returned. One year, I bought the younger one 8 different things FROM HER LIST and every single one slowly but surely was returned. She would ask for the receipt, then had my DH ask for the last ones as I guess she felt embarrassed or something. If my nephews, cousin, sons or someone from my family didn't let me know about dinner, coming home, etc, I'd have no problem not accommodating them or calling their cell phones at midnight to find out where they were. W/ this one, it's a toss up and I am uncomfortable if she isn't home and it's late - worried about an accident. It was the same crap when my SS lived w/ us. Frankly, I haven't MUCH time alone at all and just want to have my immediate family living in the house I built for them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish to you. I thought this was a forum in which to seek support and vent out our frustrations. I'm sick of houseguests, permanent or temporary, and the lack of consideration that goes along w/ them. As I'm sure I mentioned somewhere, a one bed. apt, as one of my assts. rents in a nice area, goes for $800/mo. My asst. makes nowhere near what my SD makes. My steps could either share a room and let the younger SD's bf have the second bedroom of the rental (which I wish was just rented to some stranger at this point) or, let the younger SD and her bf have the master and this SD have the secondary bedroom. I could get close to $2000/m, but wouldn't be comfortable upping the rent from what I rented to my current tenant, so it will stay where it was. I think I've done my time w/ my steps: the thanks I got from the son was shafting me on the student loan I cosigned for him foolishly, paying his car to this day - though my DH finally got it back, we can't get rid of it in the condition and w/ the miles he left it, and we still pay his cell, hoping to keep a line of communication open which has not been the case for 3 years. I don't want to hold his faults against this SD, but so many things are similar, not that I'd be stupid enough to ever sign another note. I can't change who I am, and I do worry at night when it's late and the steps aren't home. Last night, this one was out til 11:00 this morning. Was I told? No. There are accidents here every day and night on the news - don't tell me not to worry 'cause I do. I had a head-on collision in my late 20's and if my mom wasn't the worrier she is, I might have died waiting on help as I suffered a pneumothorax from a driver who fell asleep and hit me as I was coming home from residency late one night. But, I was responsible and if I wasn't home when I was supposed to be and didn't call, my parents knew something was wrong. Last night, I had confirmation for my CCD class and my oldest son had a b-day party to attend so my SD babysat the younger two for the hour between me leaving and my husband returning. It's the second time in 5+ months that she helped out. When I returned, I said to my husband that we ought to grab a quick dinner alone and she quickly stormed out, "I'm going OUT in 45 min, so if you're going, you better make it quick!" I didn't say anything, just went upstairs and changed. It's not that I didn't appreciate her helping out, but it's the entire attitude she has that is on my nerves. BTW, all of the interior doors in this house were to have the same little wrench that opens them that we planned to keep above the door frames for each bedroom. But, my 4 y.o.'s and the guest room are the only ones that got them. I'm not one who locks her bedroom door, but after having her barge through on Good Friday thinking I wasn't home, I guess I should. Do you think that is OK to do w/ the excuse that she didn't realize I was in there? I guess I'm being unreasonable again? Sorry, but I disagree and now wonder what the heck she was doing in there and how often she did it! Dana...See MoreAdult Stepchild with new stepparent
Comments (19)I think a good compromise (and to make it less confusing) would be to come up with names such as "Nana" or "BonusGramps" (or whatever is decided) that are different enough from both "Grandma"/"Grandpa" and their full names so that it acknowledges that they are 'elders' with some 'extended' or 'blended' family ties without being uncomfortable for anybody. Even if it's a silly or unique nickname that the kids come up with. For example, I named all 4 of my *biological* grandparents when I was very young, and it stuck: "Mama Gin", "Papa Si", "Mom-Mom" and "Teet" (the last one was b/c this grandfather loved iced tea). Not knocking the old stand-bys "Grandma" and "Grandpa", but I really like the idea of personal unique nicknames for each. And it segues well into having unique names for SGP's. One good thing about your situation is that, unless the SGP's are real Buttinsky types, the kids having "bonus" grandparents is geenrally only going to be good. I say that based on maybe an idyllic conception of GP's as being involved in the GK's lives primarily as additional support and doting... Hopefully that'll be the case here....See MoreNeed Advice on adult stepchild
Comments (14)Well the girl got pregnant and has a kid...can not change that now. Most 20 year olds can't support themselves, let alone a child! So you do need a plan! Not sure what state you live in, but most states have things in place to help young moms improve their lives. I got pregnant at 18, while I was in my first year of college. After my son was born I applied for financial aid for school (having a child no longer makes you a dependant and your eligible for tons of grant $). I got a full-ride for community college and lots paid for university. I got daycare assistance so my son attended daycare while I worked full-time and went to school full-time, and I only paid a bit for childcare. I lived at home with my dad during college and while he helped me with my son, he made it clear that he was not a live-in babysitter. After graduating college I got an apartment and began working full-time. A year later I bought my first house. If my dad had thrown me out on the street I would probably be living paycheck to paycheck and having a pretty rough life. Maybe you and your wife can get her to enroll in college and work while putting her child is in daycare. She will not be around much to cause trouble at home (and when she is around she will have homework and want to spend time with her child). Then and she will be working to build a good future for her and her child. One where she will not be trying to move home and borrow money from you and your wife constantly. I bet your wife would be more apt to listen to you if you had a plan like helping her daughter get an education and then moving out instead of telling her you want her daughter out asap and no plans to help her....See Moremattie_gt
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomlly
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolamom
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14 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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