How old is she?

Many people have adult children living with them -- and she is his child.

Dana,

I think that I would encourage DH to tell SD asap and I would explain that the earlier he tells her, the easier it will be for her. I hope that helps. Thanks for your reply to my post earlier.

"But, on the other hand, I'm furious that I even have to continually try to keep the kids quiet IN THEIR OWN HOME and that I'm always stressed out, shushing them, not allowing them to put on the TV."

Then stop! It is their home and they have right to live in it. Maybe if you didnt make things so comfortable for her,she'd want to move out. My advice is let the kids be as loud as they want.

If I were you I would not shush my children. You posted in the earlier thread that she comes in late whenever she wants to. I'm sure she's not worried too much about the noise she makes when she does. I would not quiet the children on the weekend mornings if I were you. If she doesn't like the noise, she can move. She is an adult. Also, It sounds like it is very much your hubby's fault that she is still there and it sounds as if the SD has no idea that she isn't exactly welcome. If your hubby waits and waits to tell her that he needs her to have a plan for somewhere else to go by July, then it is going to be harder in the long run. If she has from now until then to make a plan as far as saving money for first & last month's rent, etc. then it won't be quite so tramatic. I think your husband is the biggest problem in this whole situation.

Perhaps you could subsidise her moving out and rent.

We pay for my DD to stay at college, she is 20, even though it expensive, our home is peaceful. She does work as well, so she is still responsible for all her other expenses.

I would emphasize the advantages of having her own place.

Popi

She is 24. If you want the long, dragged out version of the thing, see my post from 4/17. Things have improved since then, but I have a high level of discomfort in my own home and I don't like the way this SD speaks to my oldest (7). BTW, his b-day was 4/10 and she said that she'd take him to Toys 'R Us and the poor kid is still waiting....not that I expect anything from her, but I feel like telling a child of this age that is cruel if you have no intention of doing it..,.

She makes $35K/year and has been living w/ us since Thanksgiving, so I'd think she'd have something saved up by now.

Again, I was told (lied to) by my husband that she needed to stay here 3-4 months and when I approached her as the 4th m. drew to a close, there was a lot of drama and I considered leaving DH yet again. Yes, it's his problem, but I did nothing wrong by asking her if she had a plan - renting vs. buying or what.

Dana

Thanks for the vote of confidence and you're quite welcomed for my other response to your situation. I just felt like I knew exactly how you felt in that one.

Yesterday, I told my husband to please talk to her about the July date as I agree w/ you - the sooner the better. If you read my original post on 4/17, you'd see that I've been mislead quite a bit on this one - and most issues w/ the stepkids. I do blame my DH way more than them, but they are adults and it's not right to take advantage of us, either. They attended the best schools and certainly should know right from wrong...

Dana

Maybe if you emphasized to him the positives to SD. She needs to start planning her life. 35K may not be a lot of money wher you live (I dont know), but he should talk to her about where she sees herself 5 years from now, how she is going to get there etc. If she wants to go to grad school (where I live teachers, social workers, etc must have masters degrees), how can that be accomplished etc. I think you should emphasize to him that as my grandmother used to say, if you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.

I would LOVE to not worry about the kids waking her, etc. I'm just not that way, unfortunately, and I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable knowing she's trying to sleep and the kids are being loud. I really wish I could just let them go....

I'm also waiting for the laundry situation to present itself again. A friend made me promise to put her wet clothes in a basket beside the washer and carry on w/ my own loads. I agreed at the time, but I doubt I could really do it as I feel like I'd look like such a b***ch! I wish I didn't worry so much about that. I just try to treat others as I'd like to be treated. 99% of the time, I'm disappointed....

Thanks for your input,
Dana

Well, I feel that after living here for now 5+ months and making $35K/yr, not offering or paying one cent towards rent, utilities, food or toiletries ("Dad, I TOLD you I need toilet paper/shampoo, etc!"), I have been subsidizing her getting a place by freeing up every cent she's made. I think I'd flip if DH suggested we pay some of her down payment on a place. We are in a financial bind at the moment - still owing property taxes, 5/31 being the last late day they can be accepted. DH has always sheltered his grown kids from our financial troubles (due to a crooked contractor and a fire at our office 2 yrs. ago when we lived in part of our bldg - ins. has yet to cough up a dime so we're going into litigation...)

I have a small rental house close to here that will be available next month. I offered it at a discounted rate to her and her sister (moving here w/ her bf and 2 dogs since she'll have trouble finding a place w/ 2 dogs.) That's when the trouble really began - lots of drama w/ her and her dad - acting like I was kicking her out. I'm so unassertive it's sad. I never said anything offensive to her, just that I wondered how it was going - if she was planning on renting vs. buying, etc. I then told her my small rental was avlb. soon if she and her sister would like it.

I had been told (see the 4/17 post if you didn't) she was moving out in March or April and was looking, at that time w/ her friend for a place - DH and his passive/aggressive crap. Well, I just am fed up at the moment w/ the whole lot I married into!

Anyway, thanks for listening,
Dana

"I would LOVE to not worry about the kids waking her, etc. I'm just not that way, unfortunately, and I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable knowing she's trying to sleep and the kids are being loud. I really wish I could just let them go....

I'm also waiting for the laundry situation to present itself again. A friend made me promise to put her wet clothes in a basket beside the washer and carry on w/ my own loads. I agreed at the time, but I doubt I could really do it as I feel like I'd look like such a b***ch! I wish I didn't worry so much about that. I just try to treat others as I'd like to be treated. 99% of the time, I'm disappointed.... "

The thing is,if you dont start living your life how you want to live it,she's not gonna want to leave.
Think about it. If living with our parents was fun and accomadating,we'd all live at home forever! Sooner or later there are things grown children dont like,and that is why they CHOOSE to move out.
For me,it was a much younger age because my mom had so many rules while I was there. And the saying,"While your in my house you'll follow my rules"
I used to like to sleep in too (what young person doesnt?)
My step dad got up really early.You think he walked on eggshells to be quiet for me??? Heck no! It was his house and he made as much noise as he wanted.
Part of the problem may be with your husband,but it is also you because you said you cant act that way. So,you are also enabling her to want to stay.
Start doing what your friend said with her laundry. Stop walking on eggshells for her. The less "cozy" you make things for her,the more willing she should be to move out.

I have tried to stop walking on eggshells since the Good Friday blow up. Her answer has been to largely sleep at the friend's place, then come here to shower and eat. Of course, she has all her belongings here.

My mother said, "Enjoy the time she's w/ Kara and out of your hair!"

While it's better than having someone always underfoot, there's still a level of uneasiness I have. I never know if or when she's coming home. If she's coming home, I won't want to be lounging in a nightgown in the family room late at night watching TV. DH goes to sleep earlier, so I don't want to unwind in front of the TV in our room, etc. Of course I can wear pj's or something else, but there's just a level of discomfort I have, talking on the phone, doing my thing like I ought to be able to do, etc. We have the A/C situation, too. I've asked her to turn her A/C off if she's not coming home and to let me know - neither happens. Her 1/4 of the house (it's a large, new house)has its own unit. We didn't use that unit til she arrived.

After reading some other posts, I know this is not the huge deal that others are suffering through. I think I do have several issues - like feeling like I have a houseguest who has WAY overstayed her welcome or a roommate who doesn't pitch in at all.

Tonight she came in w/ her laundry. I was just finishing my load and she said, "Oh, do you mind starting mine when you're done?" I said, "I can't - we're all out of detergent." She waited awhile then went to Target to buy some - the first time ever! I'm a little childish on this - knew we were getting low Tues, but didn't get it kind of waiting to see if she would ever offer. She did so let's just hope she doesn't ask DH to reimburse her...

I just don't understand why she'd want to be here (other than the large new house, steps from the beach) w/ the boys and I when her mother lives alone a few miles away. I really feel like she wants to be me (her dad's wife!) I've always felt like boundaries were lacking, KWIM?

When I had my oldest 7 years ago, she came to visit for the weekend. I was cosleeping w/ the baby in our downstairs guest room so my husband could get some sleep as he was obviously working and I was on leave. I said, "Oh, let me get a few things from the guest room and then it's all yours." She said, "Oh, don't bother, I can just sleep w/ Dad." I'm sure he wouldn't have, but I was quite taken aback by a 17 y.o. girl offering to share a bed w/ her father. Is that weird to you, too????

Anyway, as I said in my original post, she took a shower in MY shower before I did - found her in there the night after we moved in - to say there's no privacy (it's all glass as are the double doors leading into the bathroom) is an understatement. Why a 24 y.o. would do that (the house has 4.5 other full bathrooms) is just beyond me. Why is she comfortable in my private space? Just like barging in on me while the boys and I napped (other post again) in my room after being hospitalized on Good Friday, then saying, "Oh you ARE home." What difference does that make? Why would you be in someone's master bedroom whether you think she's there or not????

I guess I'm just getting petty after the big deception! Sorry, but thanks for letting me get it all out.

Dana

We are in S. FL. Most pay about $800-900/mo. for a one bedroom place if renting. My small house is a 2/2 and has been rented the past year at $1800/mo. and it's also steps from the beach in a very nice neighborhood.

She won't be going back to school. She worked in retail for the 4 m. before coming here (graduated in Aug. from college) but quit when they asked her to work the day after Thanksgiving w/ no other job in site. She moved back here then fell into a nice position w/ Morgan Stanley.

I like your g-ma's motto about planning and failing - think I'll adopt it as my own, lol.

Anyway, after seeing the dysfunctional situations others have w/ steps, mine is minor. I guess I'm just largely annoyed that after building this dream house/ nightmare, I've lived in it longer w her than w/o her. We lost our shirts due to the crooked contractor who didn't pay his subs - sold all of our investments, refinanced the couple of properties we have so there's no equity anywhere and I don't know how we'll come up w/ prop. taxes later this mo. for our office. We really roughed it living in our office while building this - was to take 10 mo. and took 5 years. The last year, we lived in 5 different places after a fire at the office forced us out of there.

Anyway, I sacrificed so much and dreamed of finally having my home. My guest room is now hers, so the furniture I had for the room is stuck in the garage or she'd have to take a storage place out and spend a few $. Anyway, I was OK w/ that for the 3-4 months I was asked for, now it will be upwards of 8 months and I have no confidence her father will ever speak to her about moving out. If I do it, another scene like on Good Friday will follow or I'll just look and feel like a wicked s-mother. I'd just feel better if I knew we all knew July was her last month here. My mother said, "Be happy - it's only another 3 months!" I said, "It was supposed to ONLY be 3 months!" Again, though, that was DH's lie, not hers, so I know where to lie the blame on that one...

Dana

Yes,I would think it a little odd that a 17 year old wanted to sleep in bed with her father.My husband's daughters wouldnt ever think to sleep with him in the same bed!

It almost seems to me like she IS testing your boundries. So,I can see how you'd feel kinda violated.

Anymore talks about it with your husband? When something bothers me,I'm bugging my husband every night about it before bed,LOL.
Anyway he'd agree to write up a very nice letter saying it's been lovely having her and he'll sure miss her after JULY (hint,hint)?

Gee I feel for you Dana

SD in bed with her father, is odd.

I know my daughter often says to us, "you can afford it", she seems to think that we are rolling in it, which certainly is not true. And because she thinks that, I have found that it affects her attitude about things that she would do or not do.

Perhaps this is how your SD thinks, she may think that you should put up with her, because "you can afford it".

But, its just not fair that you are under this stress.

Your DH holds the key to the metaphorical door that will sort out this situation for you.

Does he want you living there, or his daughter.....

Popi

Thank you for listening. I've joined two other stepparent forums and I have only had one reply between them to my initial problem, so I'm very happy to be here.

Coolmama: Yes, I do believe she does test the boundaries. Even from the beginning, my husband was lacking in asserting himself whatsoever w/ establishing boundaries. I guess as the 'new' one on the scene, I tried to go w/ the flow and not be the uptight witch by snapping about my space and my bedroom. (the first weekend his kids were w/ us after our honeymoon, the son waltzed right into the master bathroom where I was changing)

Popi: Yes, w/ us, I think DH has tried to shield all the kids from the financial stress we're under. I don't blame him as I don't want any of the kids feeling stressed out about it, but this is ridiculous. I mean, there's a difference between keeping our prop. tax woes from them and acting like we're the Rockefellers! He has never been able to say "no" to them - some guilt issue or something going on in his mind. He also grew up dirt poor, so he said that he'd never want his kids to feel the way he did as a child. I understand that, but there is a limit!

Tonight, my SD told my oldest son, 7, that she'd take him to the Marlin's baseball game as it's a night when you can take your dog, lol. So, they're taking his puppy. It's a far drive and our middle son also wants to go, so I suggested that DH take her and the two boys and I'll stay behind to do some shopping w/ the youngest. I'm suggesting he use the car ride to discuss the living deadline...

Thanks again,
Dana

vistajpdf, I really feel for you. You mention that you think SD is testing your bounderies, but from what you have posted, I can't see that you have set any bounderies. I understand that you feel you're not assertive, but you need to draw a line. You can do it. Your younger ones deserve to play in their own house. If they wake her up and she comes out yelling about it, simply and calmy tell her that the boys live here and to please not behave that way in front of the children. Don't do her laundry anymore. My bio-daughter used to leave her laundry in the washer/dryer and I would finish it up for her. I got tired of doing it so I did exactly what your friend said to do. After I left a few smelly loads in her room, she began to finish it on her own. Take a DEEP breath, look her in the eye and tell her that she is NOT to use yours and your DHs bathroom for any reason and she is to knock and wait for an answer before she enters the master bedroom. After you tell her that, don't explain why or give her any reasons for it (it's yours and DHs house) She will not leave on her own because she's living the life of riley at your place. YOU are the woman of the house, she needs to be put in her place. You can find the strength to stand up and lay down the law. You're not asking much to get the respect you deserve, and you DO deserve it. She sounds spoiled and ungrateful. When you speak to her about the new rules and need to draw strength from somewhere, think to yourself about how the younger ones are getting the short end of the stick, so to speak. I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep posting as I would like to know how things work out for you.

I wish you and SD the best, but I wouldnt want dh to discuss SD moving out in front of younger children. The conversation may get difficult, younger children may not really understand that older children should move out (even if you think they do). They mayhave a nagging threat that they will be forced out. This is an adult conversation.

Thank you for the encouraging words. I told DH that he needed to talk to her this weekend or I would. W/ this being May, I don't want to have the conversation any later than NOW as I don't want to hear, "You tell me in June that July's my last month! Not enough notice!"

I *think* the master bedroom and bathroom is now considered off limits after our disagreement on Good Friday. But, I always think people will react as I would, knowing they've been out of line, etc, and I'm usually disappointed. I have said a few things in front of her to my boys about entering my bedroom and bathroom (they always want to bathe in my oversized tub) hoping she'll benefit: "Do NOT go into mommy's room unless I'm w/ you. That's Daddy and I's only private space in the house and NO ONE needs to be there uninvited." Of course, the guilty rarely see themselves. After the first weekend showering episode, I didn't think she'd ever venture into my area again. I was really startled on Good Friday when she did and I wonder how often that happens when I'm NOT here...

I think I'm just going to ask Jerry to arrange for the three of us to talk when the boys are asleep early for school and be matter-of-fact about the moving out date, etc.

Again, thanks for your help.

Dana

I thought they'd take my car (van) and the boys would be engrossed in a video, but they took her car, so no talking about the ETD would have been discussed.

I have done my job and my sons love her and her siblings, though the younger two do not know or remember her brother as he has been MIA for 3 years. I would never want the boys to think that I don't want her around. Later, when they have children of their own, they'll realize how difficult it is/was trying to keep the little ones on a schedule while a 24 y.o. was going about her life, in and out, etc.

I think the best thing is for my DH, her and myself to sit down and reassess everything. I will mildly discuss the psychologist's concerns about stability as we plan for the next school year and use that largely as the basis for the July deadline.

If her sister and her bf don't come down in June, my rental house will be empty til they arrive in July. I'm having second thoughts about renting to them and am going to suggest that the three of them consider taking the house, though it's only a 2/2. Right now, the sister and her bf have a 2/2 as they're just "roommates", so I'd think either the 2 sisters share the master in the house or just let the charade go, have the couple take the master and this one can have the secondary bedroom which is still quite nice. I'll let June go free if she'd move then...

Dana

"After the first weekend showering episode, I didn't think she'd ever venture into my area again. I was really startled on Good Friday when she did and I wonder how often that happens when I'm NOT here..."

Anyway you can put a lock on your door for when you are not there? Showering in your room is the least I'd be worried about.If she's brazen enough to do that,imagine if she was going through your things and clothes.

Yes, all bedrooms were supposed to have privacy locks, but the contractor messed up the order. My printer has been out for months, so I have a huge punch list for him that I've given him once (stuff was ignored and this is the better of the two contractors, lol) and #1 on the list is getting the bedrooms locks! Only 2 of the 5 bedrooms have them - the guest (hers) and my 4 y.o.'s. Lovely.

I do trust her as far as stealing goes, etc. I think she'd be one to sample all of my toiletries, perfumes, etc. I wouldn't mind if asked as I'm not particular about stuff like that, but I was annoyed once when finishing her laundry and found a pair of MY softee shorts! She wears XL and I wear medium. It wasn't the first time she "borrowed" my clothes w/o asking and that does annoy me since she's a lot bigger than me and stretches out my things a bit...

Two moves before this house, we were in a tiny 3/2 and all three boys were in one bedroom, the 3rd bedroom was used to store our boxes for the few months remaining til our construction was done on this house. It had a tiny kitchen, open to the living room which was very small and had the only TV. There was a hall bathroom that was to be used by the kids (shower only), and a master bath w/a tub/shower combo where I often bathed the boys) - both were very small and we were on top of one another. However, when she came home from college, rather than stay w/ her mother, she plopped in on us, on the couch. Imagine waking up to that for 2 weeks - talk about having to tiptoe around, but there was nowhere else to go when the boys woke up.

Guess where she showered? Yep, in the master bedroom - even if I was still asleep like on a weekend when we had no activities going on or if she came home late and we were already asleep. In she'd barge, despite the other bathroom being open. She wasn't taking a bath, either, so she could have easily showered in the other bathroom. Then, she'd prance around in a towel or her bra and shorts. I was stunned that a girl in her 20's would be comfortable around her father like that. In fact, it was so appalling that one of the things I insisted on was her getting a conservative bathrobe prior to moving into this house! She has been far less offensive, but has her own corner of the house, so maybe I'm just not seeing it if it's much of the same.

So, I've had a few issues w/ boundaries and appropriate behavior over the years. She's inexeperienced w/ guys, has had very few dates and does not believe in premarital sex, so I'm always wondering why someone like that would be comfortable having my sons and my husband see her in her funky-colored bras and shorts, or in a towel that doesn't cover enough. She's not obese, but certainly is overweight. In fact, when we had the fight just before Easter, I remarked that I had put dinner on the table every night, even when working late, as no one could seem to help w/ that other than the one night each of the first two weeks she was here when she cooked. She yelled, "Yeah, you have, and I've gained TEN pounds since moving in w/ you!" I was close to replying, "I'm not going to serve my 2,4,and 6y.o. sons diet food, so maybe you ought to watch your portions and stop making Toll House cookies every week and eating all the dough and cookies before anyone else gets a bite!" But, I held my tongue as I know her weight is an issue w/ her and I don't want any young woman obsessing over it. But, I thought it was rude to blame me and Paula Deen (I like Paula, Giada and Rachel Ray from the Food Network!)

Anyway, I guess I could have said that I hardly force-fed her at mealtime...

Dana

I know you have only the best in mind, but I would think twice about renting to SD and her friends. I dont think you will get paid rents timely -- if at all. I would be worried. It will ony makesituation worse.

That is a very good point kkny. Unfortunately if she doesnt the daughter may come up with the excuse of not being able to afford a place on her own.(although if she makes 35,000.she should certainly be able to)

Not if a two bedroom rental costs $1800 a month.

And as a single person, why would she need a two bedroom rental?

Dana said that was what her rental house, the one she was proposing her SD move to, rents for. If two bedrooms cost that much, a one bedroom would probably go for at least $1200, if she could find one, and she really shouldn't spend more than about $730.

Maybe the father isn't pushing her out because he LIKES to have his daughter around. I don't see why that is so hard to understand. I loved having my adult kids live at home, and I miss them terribly. During most of the time they were home, I slept on the couch because we didn't have enough beds or bedrooms for everyone. My kids went to bed/got up at different times, and my house is so small you can hear normal conversation from one end to the other. On school days we had a bathroom schedule of 15 minutes per person and staggered wake-up times because there is only one bathroom.

As an aside, Dana mentioned that the contractor was supposed to have put locks on all the bedroom doors. Do you really want locks on the little kids' bedroom doors? Little children have a propensity for locking themselves in and not being able to unlock the doors, and that is scary for them (and the parents) and dangerous in the event of an emergency. One of my kids figured out how to lock the bathroom door when she was two - fortunately it wasn't difficult to pick the lock from the outside.

Well, you certainly have been vocal about enjoying your adult kids at home and I can certainly relate. My own family would be easy for me to tolerate - they've never mistreated me or mine and if they ever did get moody, I'd have no problem speaking my mind. And, in my old age, I really hope my dear sons do come back home after college. I'd love it! I hope we'll always be close as my parents and I have always been close. And, if I ever do need something in my advancing years, I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on my skids to help out - it just isn't their thing. It will be MY family who has always been there for me and who I can count on - hopefully, my sons will be of a similar mind to me and not of the thinking that my skids have - they're selfish, spoiled and have a huge sense of entitlement. I pray they mature and grow out of that stage, but I haven't really seen signs of that happening. My youngest's b-day is Thurs. and she said, "I'm gonna take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you a big dinosaur!" Meanwhile, my oldest (turned 7 a month ago) is still waiting for his trip there, also promised, but never delivered though she did decorate a little on his b-day w/ balloons that I had around. He asked me when she was going to take him and I just said for him not to ask her again as I guess she forgot and it isn't polite to keep asking. Not sure what else to do here. When my friends had a surprise shower for me, neither SD brought so much as a card. Christmas? Nothing for me or the boys again. Do you see a pattern? And, before you ask, yes, I shop for them, but what I buy is usually returned. One year, I bought the younger one 8 different things FROM HER LIST and every single one slowly but surely was returned. She would ask for the receipt, then had my DH ask for the last ones as I guess she felt embarrassed or something.
If my nephews, cousin, sons or someone from my family didn't let me know about dinner, coming home, etc, I'd have no problem not accommodating them or calling their cell phones at midnight to find out where they were. W/ this one, it's a toss up and I am uncomfortable if she isn't home and it's late - worried about an accident. It was the same crap when my SS lived w/ us. Frankly, I haven't MUCH time alone at all and just want to have my immediate family living in the house I built for them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish to you. I thought this was a forum in which to seek support and vent out our frustrations. I'm sick of houseguests, permanent or temporary, and the lack of consideration that goes along w/ them.

As I'm sure I mentioned somewhere, a one bed. apt, as one of my assts. rents in a nice area, goes for $800/mo. My asst. makes nowhere near what my SD makes.

My steps could either share a room and let the younger SD's bf have the second bedroom of the rental (which I wish was just rented to some stranger at this point) or, let the younger SD and her bf have the master and this SD have the secondary bedroom. I could get close to $2000/m, but wouldn't be comfortable upping the rent from what I rented to my current tenant, so it will stay where it was.

I think I've done my time w/ my steps: the thanks I got from the son was shafting me on the student loan I cosigned for him foolishly, paying his car to this day - though my DH finally got it back, we can't get rid of it in the condition and w/ the miles he left it, and we still pay his cell, hoping to keep a line of communication open which has not been the case for 3 years. I don't want to hold his faults against this SD, but so many things are similar, not that I'd be stupid enough to ever sign another note. I can't change who I am, and I do worry at night when it's late and the steps aren't home. Last night, this one was out til 11:00 this morning. Was I told? No. There are accidents here every day and night on the news - don't tell me not to worry 'cause I do. I had a head-on collision in my late 20's and if my mom wasn't the worrier she is, I might have died waiting on help as I suffered a pneumothorax from a driver who fell asleep and hit me as I was coming home from residency late one night. But, I was responsible and if I wasn't home when I was supposed to be and didn't call, my parents knew something was wrong.

Last night, I had confirmation for my CCD class and my oldest son had a b-day party to attend so my SD babysat the younger two for the hour between me leaving and my husband returning. It's the second time in 5+ months that she helped out. When I returned, I said to my husband that we ought to grab a quick dinner alone and she quickly stormed out, "I'm going OUT in 45 min, so if you're going, you better make it quick!" I didn't say anything, just went upstairs and changed. It's not that I didn't appreciate her helping out, but it's the entire attitude she has that is on my nerves.

BTW, all of the interior doors in this house were to have the same little wrench that opens them that we planned to keep above the door frames for each bedroom. But, my 4 y.o.'s and the guest room are the only ones that got them. I'm not one who locks her bedroom door, but after having her barge through on Good Friday thinking I wasn't home, I guess I should. Do you think that is OK to do w/ the excuse that she didn't realize I was in there? I guess I'm being unreasonable again? Sorry, but I disagree and now wonder what the heck she was doing in there and how often she did it!

Dana

My kids are welcome to come in my room anytime they like. They would probably knock if I were in there with the door closed, but I never close the door, because the room is only about 11 x 8 and it makes me too claustrophobic. If they didn't think I was in the room, I can't imagine that they would hesitate to come in. There is nothing that I have that my kids aren't welcome to see or use if they want to. The only thing I would hide would be presents, and I tell them where they are hidden so they don't look there.

You have referred to your biological children as your "immediate family." Your husband's daughter isn't your immediate family, but she certainly is his. I would expect that he would want his daughter around as much as you would want your children around.

I suppose we should agree to disagree before this goes any further.

I really do not have anything that my kids are not welcomed to. My parents always lived as you have, and while I've admired it, I don't think I want to have people in and out of my master bedroom as they please. My parents would often have my brother, myself and some of our friends over watching TV in their room. That would bother me in this house as it is much larger. Maybe in smaller houses, you have to expect to have less privacy.

I currently have a mattress on the floor of my bedroom where anyone is welcomed to stay. I often wake up w/ one or two of our sons in my bed, sometimes I end up in their beds - just never know. If I was her bio mom married to her bio dad, then I suppose anything would go, too. But, I have been treated like an outsider for years, but when it was convenient for any of them to treat me nicely, they turned on the charm - usually wanting to borrow my car if they flew down from school for the weekend and had no wheels.

I think everyone needs to have a little place in which to retreat, and I would hope that as my kids get older, they, too, knock before entering.

I guess you just don't get it with respect to my SD. I suppose until you have lived w/ what I have lived with, in black and white, the sentiments I have just can't be realized. Maybe I'm holding on to old baggage, but I've never been treated well by any of them. Tolerated, but not welcomed. I was snubbed at every function and had my nephews endure their hostility. Yes, they were kids, but it didn't end there. The general feeling I have is that this is their dad's house (they are so wrong) and I'm just a woman who lives w/ him and cleans up and cooks...

Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day - all have gone w/o so much as a card tossed my way, w/ the exception of this past b-day from these kids. I don't mind, but I think there's no excuse to tell a seven year old child that you'll take him to pick out a present, then continually be reminded and have one excuse after another - then a month later, start the same talk w/ the soon to be 3 y.o. while the seven year old is right there, forgotten about.

When I was unexpectedly pg w/ the third, whom I had at 40 and was quite distressed initially, this SD yelled, "Don't you know about birth control?" I guess I have a problem w/ boundaries from someone like this. More power to you if you could take it all in stride and keep on smiling, leaving your door open and being treated as a doormat.

Dana

Dana, I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel. I haven't had the issue of children (step or bio) moving back home, as my kids aren't on their own yet, but when they are done with college (which we are paying for 100%), I will want them to be adults and live on their own. I would not want any of them moving back home to be taken care of by mom/stepmom.

I think you should pretty much take most of what theotherside says with a grain of salt. She isn't in our situation, and she's generally not understanding of or sympathetic to blended family issues.

And I totally agree with you on the privacy issues. When my 17 yo SS was still living with us, he would walk into my bedroom at 6 am, before school, every morning, without knocking, in just his boxer shorts, to get something or another from the masterbath. It did make me uncomfortable. Would I have been more comfortable about this lack of courtesy had it been a bio child? No. I don't appreciate it either when my 14 yo bio daughter walks into my room without knocking first, and she's generally dressed in more than her underwear. The exception would be my youngest, the 5 yo, who isn't quite old enough to know better.

I hope you get some support from DH on all of these problems that having your SD in residence is causing. That really will be the key to making things work.

Thank you for posting. I started wondering about the other poster - looked at the site to see if she was assigned to play the Devil's Advocate after thinking about the name and such. I thought maybe I missed something in the forum's description like someone was deliberately here to play that role!

Anyway, I was hoping to find a place where it was safe to vent, one in which I could not only find support, but also learn some coping strategies. I'm certainly not opposed to constructive criticism, either. I am not assertive w/ my steps, unfortunately, and really "own" everything cast my way. I guess I just feel taken advantage of and that communication is completely lacking.

My DH was supposed to arrange for the three of us to talk last night, but he went to be VERY early - said he didn't feel well, but I wonder if he was just avoiding the issue. I'm not unreasonable. I do empathize w/ his position and I don't envy it. But, I also think I've gone above and beyond the call of duty.

Anyway, I agree w/ you on your situation. I'd be livid if a 17 y.o. barged into my room each morning, scantily clad no less! Did your DH allow this?

I guess I just long for a little freedom in my house and to not have to worry about waking this SD up if the boys are loud. I'm not the type who can just not worry about it and not try to keep them quiet if I know someone's asleep. I wish I wasn't so courteous at times as it's only taking its toll on my health!

Thanks again,
Dana

I agree with tamar.And no disrespect to TheOtherSide,but her posts are often "The Other Side",and she defends the underdog.
She is a bio-mom who has been through alot,and does view step families in a different light than most here.

I know how you feel,Dana.In real life I'm often nice to a fault. I even had therapy to learn how to say NO! I was constantly putting myself out for others when it infringed on my own happiness and health. It's not a fun way to live.
Now I just say no,and I do it in a nice way,so I dont feel bad about it.If people dont understand,well,that's their problem.You cant please everyone all the time,right?

Thank you, again. Yes, you've kind of labeled me all too correctly! Like you were, I have a huge problem saying "No" to people. I'm a voice for the voiceless, unless that voiceless person is me - then I turn from warrior to weasel, lol. I could stand up for anyone I care about w/o a second thought, but when it comes to myself, I guess I'm a pleaser. I'm no pushover w/ my husband, not "obedient" at all, lol, I argue (he's much more even tempered and calm) and am opinionated, but even w/ staff or anyone other than those I have a primary relationship (DH, my kids, parents), I get talked into anything - then gripe about it to myself!

I actually began doing a brief search on TOS and her posts to get a handle on where she's coming from. I certainly got the ex-wife vibe, and not a happy one, unfortunately. I guess until she is a stepmom who has bent over backwards for years to no avail, it's very tough to be sympathetic to SMs in my boat. Likewise, until I've had my DH leave for whatever reason and have to raise our children living barely above the poverty level, I have no business judging her. So, that's why I just put "agree to disagree" out there. It's funny, but in my short time here, I can see EVERYONE'S side of the story - the stepkids, the ex-wives, and my fellow SMs. I know people in all of those shoes and while the grass may always look greener elsewhere, everyone has his/her turmoil.

Anyway, I do thank you and hope your transition is a smooth one. Stay in touch - esp. if you really DO need the forum as the steps arrive and quarters are close!

Dana