First off why would you stay with a man for that many years that did drugs and partied if it caused such confusion in your life and upset you so much? You could have left and found someone else and been happy by now. But you chose to stay and so you have to workt things out and take the good with the bad. As for the daughter, I think you are being very selfish. When you married this man, you knew he had a daughter. That means you have to accept her when you accept her father. You may not totally like her or having a teenager around may upset your world a little but that's life. It was something you agreed to when you married. Being jealous of a child is a problem. I certainly would like to see a man in my life happy and successful in his relationship with his child. At least that way I would know when we had kids of our own, he'd be a loving and wonderful father. I would have a hard time raising a child with a man who just pretends his previous child doesn't exist. Ask yourself this...how would you like if you two had a baby and then divorced and he ignored your son or daughter? I would hope you would hate him for it and anyone else that didn't push him to be a dad and encouraged him to live a life without his child.

What's up with all these posts lately from these people who think they're bf's, fiance's, husbands or whatever should not have anything to do with their kids? They don't seem to think about if the situation was reversed and for some reason when they marry think the kids are expendable. The world is becoming a sad place...

I ditched my exhusband and father of my only child, three months after my DD was born, because of the drugs and addictions. No way in lleh would I have held on for 5 years when I knew I could provide for myself and for her in a much better environment.

Either you really love this guy or there is something you aren't telling us. As for his daughter, you better learn to adore her. Love her, accept her, and have her under your roof. Share her, share him, share yourself. What irks me is when someone says they cannot share their spouse with the spouse's existing children. Puke. Gag. The kids are way more important than you will ever be in his eyes. If he struggled so long with the drugs, chose them over you for 5+ years, then what's it going to be like when he chooses his flesh+blood (13y.o. DD) over YOU?

You may as well leave, get out of his life. I would absolutely hate my boyfriend (and kick him out of my life) if he told me my daughter couldn't live in our house or be loved by me or be "first" my life. Your recovering husband will hate you, too, if you try to keep his daughter from him.

- darkeyedgirl

Thank you - both of you who have responded. You both feel that I need to be the one in the relationship to compromise and accept his daughter into our home. I think I have compromised a great deal these past 5 years and it is now my husband's turn to make amends and compromise and prioritize our marriage. In no way, am I asking him to neglect his daughter or not have a relationship with her. At this time, she spends every other weekend with us. I would continue to encourage that and more! He should speak with her every day, have her over for dinner, have special times with just her and him, help her with her homework and everything. I just don't think it is imperative that she actually live with us in order for him to foster a healthy, supportive relationship with her. I stayed with my husband through the hell of addiction, because I love him and believed in him. I did not always live with him during this time, though. I just feel that it is now "our time." We never lived as newlyweds because he started using soon after our wedding. It's interesting to me that both of you feel that I need to make the concessions on this front. I appreciate your candor. I am surprised though. When I first mentioned this issue to my therapist, I wasn't even half-way through my first sentence when she overwhelmingly and adamantly stated that in no uncertain terms that the idea of taking on the responsibilities of raising this child (who is so very well placed right now at grandma's - and has lived there for the past five years and is doing so well in school and with friends, etc.) is untimely and not in the best interest of my marriage. I would never expect him to chose me over her, I just don't want her to live with us.

I don't think parenthood is something you can compromise. She's here - she's his to rear. He screwed up for 5 years and only has a few years left to rebuild a relationship with her. I wouldn't be able to look a man in the eyes that didn't try to make ammends. You can compromise dinner times or sporting events. You cannot compromise a child. I hear a lot of very weak excuses. You seem very emotionally needy to be competing with a child for her father's love. This girl can be an asset in your life if you let her. If you really loved him, you wouldn't hesitate helping him parent his child. He very much wants and needs her. This is always a possibility when there is a relationship that involves children. I'm sure you always knew that it was a possibility.

Jill,

I agree with those posters above that you have to accept your SK's or your marriage will evaporate before your eyes. You two sound like you have taken a roller coaster ride for the past few years. You don't have to love your SD, but you do have to accept her and respect her. A 13 year old can be trying, whether she's your bio or step, for sure, but if you make him choose, you will lose the battle.

When you marry a man with kids, you get no honeymoon. You go from the vows to the drudge of everyday life. You have no choice, that's just the way it is. Both of you must find time for each other, and jealousy issues are a normal part of that process -- unless they get out of hand.

I can't say I understand why someone would stay with a man who has drug/alcohol issues, but I won't go there. In any event, you have made a commitment to stay, and that's up to you. But, since you two have gone through hell and back, I'm going to suggest something different.

Because of his problems, I suggest that you set a date to have sole custody of his daughter, say six months from now. In the interim, begin by having her with you more and more. Hopefully his parents live close enough to do this. I don't suggest this because YOU need the time, but because I don't think you want to add more stress to your lives ... for it certainly would. And I'd be afraid that this stress would send him back to his old ways.

You need to curb your jealousy issues and he needs to learn how to give BOTH of you attention and affection. He's probably acting out of guilt, and you're acting out of jealousy. Sometimes a good counselor can help sort out all of the baggage and set you both on a more positive road. As long as you think you have him to yourself, you are deluding yourself and asking for trouble.

Teenage children can be difficult to raise, especially if you have not raised them from the beginning. My pre-teen step son moved in three months before we even got married. For the first two years, my husband and I would fight all the time about him. He had never had any rules and my husband would set rules and boundries but never enforce them. I had to be the bad guy. It was very difficult (to say the least) at times. The hard part is now behind us and my SS is actually thriving on Rules and boundries. But because of him, we never got to live as newlyweds and that really Su@$ed.

Unfortuneatly, my step son did NOT have any other healthy environment to live. His mother is phyocolically abusive and possible even worse!!! She ignored a serious medical problem that could be life threatening if ignored. She is so bad that we even got a medical/Phycolocial doctor to write a letter to the courts stating it was in the child's best interest to live with dad. Of course the note was not a strong as her words to us, but strong enough to sway the courts.

What does the child want? A thirteen year old is old enough that her opion should be considered. Who is going to be the displinary figure (sounds like NOT your husband) this could create a strain on your marriage. Would the child be better off at the grandparents? A Rocky marriage may not be a stable environment for a teenage (not to mention all the hormonal changes of entering puberty). Can your husbands recovery with stand the extra stress?

Would she have to change schools? Would she have to changes schools again if she stayed with Dad and your relationship did not work? Does she want to change schools?
Would Dad be able to keep her with out your help??

The way I see it is that your DH screwed up 2 relationships, one with you and one his daughter. With all that he has just recently overcome, I don't think he could work on two relationships at this time. I think that I understand how you are feeling.
If you had been married for 5 or 10 years before he started his drug binge, it would be different. But you never had time to deal with your jealousy and adjust to the new situation. I agree that you need together time for awhile. You suffered and his daughter suffered. And even though he only has a few more years before his daughter is grown, he is going to have you around for life.
Does he go to counseling? Is there an objective person who could work with the both of you? I think joint counseling would be a good thing for you guys considering all the feelings and anger that must be there.

I never could understand why some women stay with men who did drugs and such. But I have never been in that situation. Our society today is so quick to just toss aside a problem and move on. I commend you for standing firm in your commitment of marriage. Good luck.

THE CHILD COMES FIRST! (emphasis intended).

Congratulations to your husband for getting his act together and for wanting to be an appropriate and custodial parent. He loved her enough to get custody from the mother. You think he loves her so little that he'll let someone else raise her (his parents) so that he can keep his squeeze (you) happy? He got custody, then he gave her away, now he wants her back, and you say no?

Your insecurity is clearly evident. I feel sorry that you are so insecure that you would be challenged by a healthy (on-site) relationship between a man and his daughter.

If you are, indeed, committed to this marriage (and I believe you are), you owe it to yourself, your husband, and the child to bond together with your husband to be the best parents you can be. The girl is 13 - - she's already been damaged emotionally. At this incredibly rough time in anyone's life (13 years old), she needs understanding, love and sacrifice.

It seems you only want him to have a daughter when it is convenient for you. The fact that he knows he screwed up and now wants to fix things and take on the responsibility that is his is a very good thing. The fact that you don't want him to is not. To put your marriage over his child is what is not a good idea. Selfishness has no place in a marriage where kids are involved. You have "me, me, me" attitude that will cause much more damage to your husband and his daughter than his drinking and drug use ever did. He is working toward getting his life on track. He needs you to be supportive, not selfish.

OK, so the daughter comes home. And everything is better? I don't see that. I think that by making sure their relationship is smooth, then that is thinking of the childs welfare. At 13 she will feel the strife and could feel that she was to blame. It's a tough call, but if things are being worked out and resolved so that she can be included, I don't see a problem in working on the relationship for a while.
Has the daughter said anything about wanting to move back with you guys? Does she know what is going one? What do you feel would be a good time frame to have her come back?

I don't feel that he has been "clean" long enough to be in either relationship full time.

He needs to prove himself to his daughter and prove himself to his wife. This will take time. He should do them both concurrently.

Think about this from the daughters point of view.
She lost her father to drugs and she has a chance to get him back as a 24/7 father. She is a child and NEEDS her daddy. The wife is an adult and WANTS her husband.
See the difference?

No one has asked the question of what the daughter wants and what the grandparents think is the best situation. It sounds like that at this point, the grandparents know this child best. What's best for her?

"I think I have compromised a great deal these past 5 years and it is now my husband's turn to make amends and compromise and prioritize our marriage."

"Make amends" ... HE OWES YOU NOTHING! You, an adult, CHOSE to stick around for 5 years in a chemically defined relationship.

He's had a daughter for thirteen years ... and a second wife for only five.

If you dont want the child in your house right now you have the right to make that choice. YOu need to see if this relationship is going to work at all. If it doesnt why bother moving her? I bet she would rather live with grandma and grandpa..heck I would have loved to live with mine..

See I still see it as he had this child and she's been in his life longer than the wife. The child needs a father to raise her...her mother already seems nonexistant so imagine the pain and everything she has to deal with of being born to two parents that just ditched her for whatever reason. She's only going to need a parent to care for her for how many more years before she goes off on her own. Time is running out. The sooner he works on repairing that relationship with her the better.

The wife came into this picture and had a choice to turn around and walk away when things changed. As Dr. Phil would probably tell her, that he didn't keep up with end of the bargain and that's a deal breaker. Anyone else would have told you to leave. Why put yourself through the hell? You chose to stay and you're an adult so you have to put that in the past and move on...children aren't the same way. They don't get to choose their parents or who they want to be with all the time.

As for no time for the honeymoon...that's life. There is really no time for anyone to just relax and enjoy this perfect life after getting married. In the real world there are bills to pay and problems and all those wonderful things that we have to deal with. Anyone who thinks when you first move in with a complete stranger that it's going to be all fun and happy times, is crazy. It takes time to get used to each other and combining things and it's not all fun and games. Ever wonder why so many people divorce in the first year or so or why so many relationships end when people move in together? It takes work. You have been working on your marriage for 5 years now. Maybe he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol that whole time but that's who he was and you can't change what happened. Yes, you need to rebuild your marriage and get to know this man you haven't known in many years again but you can't expect to have total and full attention from him. He has other responsibilities to his daughter. The fact that you're so jealous of the child is what gets me the most.

He also took a vow to his wife. I dont think vows contain the words "unless your kids need you first" At 13 I would not want to change my kids schools especially for a maybe. I also agree that you should have gotten out of this alot earlier but, you didnt so the next issue is this kid. I would listen to the therapist. She is a trained professional. Keep us posted...

Five months of recovery is not long enough to upset this child's life. I would want to know that this recovery is going to last, before I would upturn her life. How close are the Grandparents? Is it possible to have her there for longer and longer visits? All thee of you need to have a long heart to heart.

It would all be different if the wife was concerned about her husband's health and his mental state, but from her post she is doesn't want the girl there because it will take time away from her. The fact that she sounds like a 2 year old complaining about not getting a honeymoon is proof that she is only thinking of herself. It has nothing to do with this little girl. SHe is afraid that if the daughter moves in her husband may actually pay attention to someone other than her. It sounds like she thinks he owes her for staying by his side and the price he will pay is to forget his daughter. That is not mature and I hope this man has enough sense to pick his daughter over her if she is going to play this game.

Have you even considered what the daughter wants? Her father and you appear to be too immature to be the parents she deserves. You are so insecure and needy. This girl deserves an environment in which she can be loved. I would not want to be with a man that doesn't show affection to his child. If he doesn't show the same affection to you, maybe you should discuss this with him. The girl should live with her grandparents, neither of you are worthy of raising her.

Having lived with a alcohol and drug abusing husband for 16 years, I can understand what she is going through. This is certainly a hard situation on the WHOLE family. I give her alot of credit for sticking with him the entire time. I certainly couldn't do it. 2 years after my husband had been clean, I divorced him because he had killed everything I had ever felt for him. I stayed as long as I did because of my children. I needed to be sure he would be able to be a good father to them. I thank God everyday that he has been clean for 5 years now and my boys didn't know what kind of hell I was going through during the marriage. I protected them by telling lies about where their father was when he would disappear suddenly for hours at a time. To them he was the most "helpful" person they knew. He was either at work or helping someone else on some big household project. It really eats me inside sometimes that he made me out to be the bad guy during the divorce by making up lies about how I didn't love them anymore and didn't want to be with them. But through it all, I took the high road and never told them the real reason. I hope they never find out what kind of person their father "used" to be.

JillVictoria needs our support now. Yes, all kids need their parents, but this man needs time to live life without the abusive behavior before he should take on raising his daughter. They have her every weekeend and times during the week. The daughter should stay with the Grandparents until the father has obtained a stable life for at least a year or two. He should explain to his daughter (she is old enough to understand)that he wants to be sure that he is on a permanent road to recovery before he can take on the responsibility of raising her full time. The Grandparents have been the only stable fixture in this girls life for many years. By uprooting her from her safe home, school and friends (possibly) may be more than she can handle at this time. He should spend as much time with her as he can during this trial time. It is also important that he patch up his marriage as well. If his marriage is in turmoil, than he cannot properly raise this daughter in a healthy environment.
Family counseling would be in order for this family. They need help in becoming a family again.

Good luck

MIsStepmom, you said exactly what I did, but you backed up your advice with your life experiences and said it in a clearer way. I totally agree -- he needs to make certain his life is on a positive track before taking his daughter full time. I'd hate to have this girl move in with them full time and have him cave under the pressure and return to his addictions. Nobody would win if that happened. And SM, you need to get some counseling to deal with your jealousy issues, or you will be contributing to his stress as well. He needs you to support his efforts to become a part of his daughter's life again.