Well, it seems clear that as far as your not-so DH is concerned, you're low man on the totem pole as far as his daughter goes. It doesn't seem like he intends to change that, either. You need to think about whether you are happy for this to continue probably forever (don't think it will stop when SD is an adult, just look at lots of other posters who have spouses continuing to support their adult children) or whether this game is no longer worth the candle, leave and move on to bigger and better things.

yeah, what is up with both parents letting her miss school or do whatever she wants? It's a husband problem, not a kid problem. (well, it started from poor parenting, mom & dad... and now you add in teen issues -hormones, attitude, rebellion... YIKES!)

thank you for the posts, just reassuring what I already thought ane knew but didn't want to believe....I am not a partner, I'm a slave and expected to bow down to this 13 yr old and let her mouth off to me and tell me to shut up all the time. I've told him time and time again, he will be very happy with his daughter...cause I'm not going to be here. Well, the reckoning day has come, I'm on my way out of this relationship...one way or another!

Well, I realize there's a big difference between an 8yo boy and a 13yo girl, but... I think DH needs to make some rules.

DH's son, who is now nearly 10, but was just barely 8yo at the time was not a lot of fun to be around. He had an attitude, was bossy, threw tantrums, and generally did whatever he wants. DH is a loving dad, but can be a little bit lax in his parenting AND he only saw his son one day a week or so and didn't want to fight the whole time.
Ironically, fighting the whole time was exactly what they were doing.

So we changed the rules. SS got a bedtime, has to mind his manners, has to be respectful to others, has to pick up after himself... And what a world of difference!
He still has mouthy days, or grouchy days (just like every other human being) but he is now a generally polite kid who is a pleasure to be around.

I'd strongly advise a tighter ship!

Were your SO's sons allowed to pull this sort of crap when they were SD's age? How did they "turn out"?

He is spoiling her and they will both pay the price for it. If she's calling the shots at age 13, she will be running with boys and partying it up before too long. Maybe, she is already and that's why she likes missing school. (she could end up pregnant or a dropout).

It's unfortunate that your husband is not acting like a father to his only daughter. She will not turn out very well at all, unless he changes his parenting style.

At this point, he is more of a partner with his daughter than he is with you. I'm in a similar situation, only the "child" in question is almost 21 years old. I'm getting out if things don't improve before Dec. 2009. It's my own internal deadline. I'm not withholding love and support during this waiting period and it will hurt me to say good-bye, but there's no future in this relationship for me if I'm don't have a full partnership.

I think it's unproductive (not to mention rather sick) to envision the relationship between father and daughter as in any way akin to a relationship between he and "another woman", or even to think in terms of who is "top" or "bottom" on any totem pole. Those things simply are not comparable. I can understand that an SP ---because of their position as the romantic partner of the parent in question--- may tend to view anything or anyone that interferes or comes between or undermines as just as threatening to their partnership as a competing romantic interest. But to really BUY INTO that idea twists and distorts some of these quite common childhood behavioral, disciplinary and yes, expected jealousy issues (on both sides) into something that they're not, something much more sick and intense. And it's simply not the way either the parent or child in question experiences their relationship UNLESS the parent is sexually abusing their child (and sometimes if the child has been sexually abused by someone else). Sadly, that sometimes happens, but unless there is any evidence to believe that, you can be reasonably assured that natural incest taboos tend to prevent parent and child from having or wanting the sort of parallel "partnership" you may think you perceive. It's simply not a competition of that sort. It may be a competition for time and attention and importance, but it's not of the same kind as a romantic love triangle. I believe that this tendency of adults to impose adult desires on children (and other adults) is the reason why some of these common everyday child-rearing problems become so blown out of proportion, and many times so deeply bitter and even unresolvable, especially in blended families.

So I say definitely address the basic discipline, manners and expectations issues fully and firmly. Because that's what they are. SD, like all of us, needs to learn how to get by in the world and that means learning some basic manners and rules. She also likely has adjustment issues and probably has resentment for having to share her time with her father, especially after living through the divorce of her parents. That in no way automatically implies that SD wishes to be her father's "partner" or even that she wishes to be "top" on the totem pole, so don't let a presumption of such an attitude on her part lead to a distorted version of that same attitude on your part. SD is likely acting like she wants to be the "top" or "only" person in her Dad's life as an overcompensation from fear (based on divorce) that she will have NO place in his life. This is expected and common, as is some of the acting out. She needs to have it drilled in her head that she is just AS important in his life as ever, and that she is no LESS nor MORE important than you are. Hence she will get nowhere by thinking in terms of "top"/"bottom", who "stays" or who "goes", and neither will you. Don't let yourself be tempted to view it as a competition with sicker overtones than really exist. SD has her specific needs regarding her father, and you have your specific needs regarding the same man, but they are not the same issues. Thus there need not be any automatically adversarial relationship between you and SD. That is key to understanding how to resolve issues in any family, especially blended families. As long as any one person perceives a directly adversarial relationship, it will always imply that a "win" for one is a "loss" for another, and that there is a "top" and a "bottom". That means that there will never be a time when all parties are happy; hence there will always be conflict. When you realize that there's no inherent adversarial relationship and that everyone's needs can be met because they're *different* needs, it eliminates conflict. Just keep reminding yourself and SD are NOT fighting for the exact same things. Her behavior is only a direct threat to you if you perceive and allow it to be.

Another thing to bear in mind, regarding conflict and what you wrote about everything being "roses again" sonner than you'd like after SD breaks a rule:

It's important to make the distinction between a need for practical *consequences* for bad behavior vs. a desire to see an emotional *grudge* held for longer than necessary. It is a healthy and positive thing for people who love each other to want to resolve conflict and return to their happy, loving feelings for one another as soon as possible. This is an independent variable separate from the systematic application of rules and consequences. In other words, it's perfectly possible to nip a bad behavior in the bud right after it happens, impose a consequence, and then minutes later feel and express loving feelings toward that child. It's the difference between being angry at and dealing with the *behavior* vs. being angry at the *person* and rejecting the person wholesale. As long as the rules/consequences have been adequately addressed, there is no reason for things to NOT be "roses again" between parent and child. The whole point should be that rules & consequences are taught/reinforced OUT OF LOVE. Feelings of love for a child are not contingent on whether the child follows or breaks a rule. The child's ability to enjoy some privilege such as a sleepover, or the amount of their allowance or extra chores, IS contingent on them following rules, but loving feelings for the child are not. That's the important distinction. Sounds like Dad has to be more rigid on the rules/consequences end, and you have to be less rigid on the loving feelings end.

I really hope you don't leave because from what you've described, it sounds like that's what she's going for, and if you do it, she wins!

It sounds like she intentionally provokes you and your SO to fight, not with her, but with each other. So every time you reward her efforts by fighting with him, it actually serves as encouragement for her to continue, even escalate.

So if she intentionally "pisses you off", and you already know that your husband may not "back you up" in front of her, rather than give her the satisfaction of fighting with him in front of her, maybe you could request he come join you in the bedroom to discuss it privately?

You and your SO should always present a "united front" in her presence, and if you can't convince him of this on your own, maybe a counselor would be able to get it through his head.

I wouldn't want to take his daughter with you and him to counseling, at least not until after the 2 of you can agree to some basic ground rules, and establish clear boundaries as to what constitutes acceptable behavior and consequences for violations. Until that's established, having her in counseling with either one of you, especially her dad, would probably only be counterproductive.

Best of luck!

I read through the posts and can't tell if you are married to your SO? If that's the case, maybe just the signification of the joining of you and your SO through marriage would be enough to solidify what your SD seems to deem a temporary situation. That is, if you would even want to get married. But, maybe you are....just a thought.

Serenity, did you actually read the original post? I'm not sure how to reconcile your answer with the behaviour exhibited by the OP's SD and SO.
You're right, the relationship doesn't NEED to be adversarial, but it's clear from her behaviour SD has made it so. OP says she has tried ignoring, diverting, etc but nothing works. OP doesn't want the relationship to be adversarial, but it takes two to tango.
As far as OP's "everything is roses again after an hour or so", this remark is made in contrast to how her SO treat HER, holding a grudge for days. I don't think this is very fair, do you? And what is the SO's point in holding a grudge against OP? Punishing her?
Clearly SD desperately needs some discipline in her life. But SO has indicated he doesn't want to "spend that time fighting". So equally clearly it's not going to happen. How many posters here have spoken of poorly disciplined SKs, laissez faire BDs/BMs who NEVER grow a spine, and ten years later the SKs are off the rails and still nothing happens, except that SM (or SD) has endured an unhappy ten years?
So having endured three years of mouthy, rude behaviour, not being backed by her SO and in fact being punished by her SO for being angry that she is treated so poorly by a 13 year old, being physically excluded from the couch (what's with that? Why DOESN'T Dad say, "Hey, sit up and make some room for SM"?- perhaps the couch has the best view of the TV or is the only comfortable furniture in the room, why should SM not be able to share it?), OP should just be sweetness and light and wait patiently for the miracle of BD finally putting his foot down?
I would be out of there so fast I'd leave a sonic boom behind me. No man is worth that, especially one who shows he does not care for me as much as his daughter, by allowing me to be treated badly by her in my own home.

Teens are frequently not easy. IMHO, if you stoop to her level, and make this about her v. me, you are making a mistake. I think you have to talk to DH, that HE is not doing her any favors. What I would be most concerned about is the school issue -- whether she is living at dads or moms, both parents should be taking interest in how she is doing at school. If the mom isnt, there isnt much you can do about that. HE should go talk to guidance etc and work up a plan to get her back on track. IMHO, with teens, once you get back into the school routine, the rest will get better out of necessity. They will have to do homework, get to bed at a regular time. etc. AFTER grades improve, there can be discussion re extracurriculare activities. And I agree, I can not imagine buing a dog for a child unless there is a clear understanding re school, who takes care of dog etc. And would not pay that amount. One of my friends who was having troulbe with her teenage daughter (typical stuff -- school, etc.) got her DD to start a dog walking business. It plays on her love of animals, and helps teach responsiblity.

Gross, Serenity. Just gross.