boyfriend has 5 kids

17 years ago

I need advice! I've been seeing this 44 year old man for just under 5 years. He is the perfect man for me, except that he now has sole custody of 5 kids between the ages of 6 to 12 (he's divorced, she lost custody shortly after we had met five years ago). I've explained when the situation changed that I think it would be best for a few years that we maintain separate houses (we're within walking distance of each other) until his children are a little older and less needy of him. From my own experience, I didn't think it was wise to interject myself on a permanent basis (yet) into a new and already stressful situation. This close co-location was affording us balance and seemed feasible until we could look into moving in together when his kids had reached some independence. I am a 45 y.o. working single mom of one 13 y.o. girl.

Here's my dilema - this arrangement seemed quite suitable to him and so we've been doing this. Now he's met someone else who is a mother of 2 (12 & 14). Although not an assurance that she will undertake his situation, he's apparently now changed his mind about everything. Now that I am aware, I'm hurt by the betrayal, but I'm wondering too for the sake of closure: was I wrong to not move in with him and become this instant "substitute mother" to 5 that he now apparently wants? Bearing in mind that this used to be suitable to him, was it not wise to allow his kids the right to a more balanced environment until a time for us could happen? Am I wrong?

Featured Answer

colleenoz

8 years ago

I’m sorry to say, but going by the evidence of everyone else’s experience, it will not turn out well. Your BF’s kids are unlikely to have an epiphany and suddenly like you, and you will come to resent their attitude and wish you had not hitched your horse to this particular wagon and wasted years of your life in unhappiness.

You really need to consider if this is truly the life you want- remember, at the beginning of relationships, people are on their best behaviour, so the politeness will eventually fade. Do you want better? If so, move on and wait for something better. Even if you don’t find another partner you will still be happier than being with a partner whose children treat you poorly.

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Comments (7)

finedreams
17 years ago
i dated a guy once who told me isn't interested in marriage or children ever. but he said he loved me and wanted to be wiht me. Nonetheless I broke up wiht him because I wanted marriage and children. In few months he met someone else and they got married rather quickly and now have two children. My point? he was not interested in marriage or children WITH ME. but was prefectly fine wiht the other person. I just was not right for him. was i hurt? of course. But what could i do? he didn't want to marry ME or have children wiht me. In fact i was happy I didn't stay and wasted my time.

I have other examples from other people's lives.

it could be that he changed his mind because he has met someone else and she might seem more suitable partner for him. That's what usually happens.

it could also be that he got tired of just dating for 5 years and wants to live with someone. if i would date someone for 5 years wihtout formal commitment, i would probably move on on someone else too. 5 years is a long time.

it could also be that she didn't mind having that many kids while you did. Honestly I do not want to have 5 kids at home and I would not date anyone wiht that many chidlren just because it is not my cup of tea.

maybe next time you should date people with fewer children or none to eliminate the problem.

also if someone didn't want to live with me because of my daughter being too young, I wouldn't even wait 5 years and move on right away.
imamommy
17 years ago
In my opinion, you got LUCKY! L-U-C-K-Y !!!!!!!

It was suitable for him to have your companionship when it was convenient but taking care of 5 kids is a lot of work, and he was more than likely looking for an instant substitute mother for his kids and while you would have fit the bill, so does anyone that is willing apparently.

I think you should move on and be grateful you didn't put your daughter in a situation with a man that will change his mind about you because he may have a better prospect. If this prospect falls through, my suggestion is RUN RUN RUN. If he truly cared about you and a future with you, he would have discussed other options than meeting a new woman that 'might' be more suitable.
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lamom
17 years ago
I agree with finedreams, it could just be that this new person is a better partner for him with the five kids. You didn't do the wrong thing, you did what thought was best for yourself, your DD and your relationship.

I have a cousin with custody of her two kids who met her husband with two kids in joint custody. They decided together to NOT merge their households even when they got married. Their reason was it was easier for the kids at the time to not be forced in to a blended family situation, their ex-spouses were not thrilled about the marriage at the time, and since they had already been maintaining separate households financially that they would just keep doing it. Also, both had been through terrible and expensive divorces so they wanted to stay separate financially.

Theirs is one of the happiest marriages and blended families that I know in large part due to not forcing everyone to live together Brady Bunch style. You did the right thing. He just moved on, that happens.
cindy_pond
17 years ago
count your blessings. This happened to a friend of mine. She moved in with a man who had 5 kids she had 3. She did everything for his kids. they called her mom. He broke up with her while driving across the george washington bridge after a number of years. Real sensitive...He married someone else shortly after. lesson learned!!
disengaging
17 years ago
In my opinion, you got LUCKY! L-U-C-K-Y !!!!!!!

I totally agree! And I not only think you did the right thing, but made the responsible decision--first for yourself, but even more so for your daughter.

It may be hard to say with any degree of certainty, but it really does sound like he was looking for someone to play "mommy" and help him take care of his kids. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that in itself, but after 5 years, I think the LEAST he owed you was to break it off with you first before starting to see someone else.

If he actually cared about YOU, he would have let you know, so the two of you could at least TRY to work out a mutually acceptable compromise. For example, buying a house together with an in-law apartment for you and your daughter and waiting a while longer before gradually blending the 2 families.

Any guy (or woman) worth keeping isn't going to go off in search of a "better deal" while they're still involved in a relationship with someone else. I personally would not want to be with someone who could disrespect ANYONE in that way. For me, there would alway be the question, "If he could do it to her, how do I know he won't do the same to me?"
Kasey Parry
8 years ago
I'm in a similar situation. I've been with a man for some time now, he has joint custody of 5 children. I love him very much just don't know what to do, because you see he has expressed many times he loves me as well but his children barley like me, thier polite when need be when I'm around, but I've caught a few things, a glare, rolling of the eyes, snickering, not saying thank you to me when I've done something for them, and a few complaints. Right now the situation is a bit complicated. I stay at his house most of the time when the weekend he has them comes my daughter and I are at my place. I'm not sure what the future holds for him and me, right now we are playing it all by ear. I have no idea what the future holds for us all I do is hope it turns out well.

boyfriend has 5 kids

colleenoz

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