Wow, this is tough. I don't blame your DH for being hurt. If it's any consolation, I hope he realizes that it isn't the term of endearment to the boyfriend that it is to him and that it's only at the BM's prompting that this term was established towards the bf.

That all aside, I think that when children have an active Biodad whom they love, it is just wrong to confuse the issue and insist they use the name for a boyfriend. After all, he is only a boyfriend - could be gone tomorrow. Hopefully, he's a permanent figure in their lives, but there's no real commitment at this stage. So, should he bolt, will the next bf be "Daddy" too? This woman seems to work fast. If I'm correct, she had two children by your DH, 3 and 5, then they parted their ways, she met, got pg, and also parted ways w/ another man leaving behind a now-1 y.o. So, that's 2 years between the last two to have two significant relationships producing children, given the 40 weeks of pg'cy and now, a year later, the second relationship is also history and bf/"Daddy" is in the picture? Sorry, but she sounds a little 'off' to me and I fear these poor kids will end up w/ dozens of "Daddies" if she wants each future bf to be called that. Is she desperate for some sort of nuclear family arrangement? What does the bf think? Is he going along for the ride or do you sense he genuinely loves the kids? Regardless, they have a Daddy and don't need another. In the older days, didn't most divorced women have their boyfriends called Uncle? Suggest a DIFFERENT term of endearment for the boyfriend such as "Uncle Here Today, Gone Tomorrow?"

You were right to have the children call you by something other than Mommy. Any mother would be upset by that - my Dear Nephews called me that for a couple of years as I was the primary caretaker for them - never prompted them to do so, had to wean them off of it, too. It's just a little disrespectful to the bio mom/dad for "Mommy" and "Daddy" to be used when the parents are in the picture.

Frankly, I don't even feel that it's appropriate for any single parent to introduce the children to a boy/girlfriend until they are positive that the person will be in their lives in 5, 10, and 15 years from now! Why get the kids attached/confused for each Tom, Dick and Harry who takes you to dinner???

Good luck - try for the "Uncle" or something, but my gut tells me this guy will soon pass into the "history" column.

Dana

Funny how that works... DS was just two and a half when I met my DH, almost 4 when we married, and they loved each other instantly. It was DS's idea to call my husband Daddy and he called his own father Daddy, too. There was no confusion - he knew who was his 'real' daddy, but he said he was lucky because he had two daddys. And shortly thereafter, when DH and I had our son together, we really didn't feel it was right for my son to have use DH's frist name while the new baby called him 'Daddy' -- talk about displacement... But my Ex objected and began a campaign of turning my older son against his stepfather. Ex got pretty ulgy about it, and ended up doing real damage to the relationship my son has with my DH. But DS no longer calls him 'Dad'...

A very few years later, Ex meets the woman who is now his wife. And guess who's pushing the 'Mommy' title? (Not her, him.) Talk about a double standard! It's even gone so far that Ex says "his mom and I" to school personnel meaning his wife, not me. That burns me. But for anyone who's wondering, I told my son that if he wanted to, he could call his stepmom 'Mom' and that I would be OK with that. That she was doing all sorts of 'Mom' things for him, and that she loved him like a mom and that he was very lucky to have a SM who felt that way, and also that I understood that he could love her without taking anything away from me.

So now my son is very close to 'both' his moms, but not to 'either' of his dads...

So OP -- My suggestion is that you encourage your husband to not worry about it, but rather to make sure his son knows how much he loves him and that he will be there forever. It might not hurt to clarify that "if Mommy and BF get married, this guy will be your StepFather" but I really can't recommend trying to drive any distance into the relationship. I think that'll backfire. It's really much better for the boy if Mom's boyfriend does love him like a son and treats him that way than if he doesn't.

Thanks for the responses. To the first response: Yes, you could say BM is a little "off" for sure! And yes, she definitely gets around. She spent the year after she had her last child alienating all of her girlfriends because she slept with one's boyfriend and another one's husband! Unfortunately, my SD (8) came to be because her and DH were on rocky grounds and she decided to stop taking her birth control pills without telling him! DH also thinks that she felt guilty for previous abortions she had (not with him). Well, her plan to keep him around by trapping him obviously only worked for so long. She had her tubes tied about 6 months before she got together with her current boyfriend, so at least we don't need to worry about her bringing anymore children into the world. BM has broken up with her boyfrind a couple of times and they also keep saying that they are going to get married, but for some reason it always gets postponed until the next year. Also, BM makes sure that everything is in her name - for example in the last year she has bought a house and two cars for the family and they are all in her name, so it makes you wonder about her long-term commitment to this guy. He does seem to love the kids (although we don't always agree with everything he does with them) and for some reason he loves BM. His mom has 6 kids from 3 different fathers, so I guess that's what he grew up with. What bothers us is that my SD says that if any of the kids call him by his name, he says "What did you call me?" and makes them feel guilty about it. He has told DH that he is more of a father to them than DH because he takes care of them more. That really gets to DH because BM is the one that moved 2 hours away, so he is as involved as he can be considering the distance.

To the second response: When the kids slip and refer to the boyfriend as Dad in front of DH he just reminds them that the boyfriend is not their dad and that it's okay to love him, but HE is their father. The problem is that SS (6) doesn't understand what real mom or dad means. He was only 3 when boyfriend came into the picture and he just doesn't get the whole situation. For example, last summer after DH and I had a baby he heard comments about the baby having my eyes and he then asked me if he has my eyes, too? He has also made comments about his little sister from BM and his new brother from DH and I being brother and sister. SD is older and seems to understand more. We've tried to explain things as best we can, but SS isn't comprehending yet.

I guess we just feel hurt that we tried to be respectful in this situation and she can't do the same and she won't acknowledge that her son seems to be confused about the whole situation. He has always had a harder time with everything than his sister.

I also forgot to add that the boyfriend also does not refer to DH as Dad to the kids. For example, DH calls and boyfriend gives SD the phone and says, "Here SD, it's 'Joe'." When combined with the other things I wrote in the last posting, it makes you wonder why this guy seems determined to make the kids feel like he really is their dad and not DH. We also, of course, deal with other classic PAS stuff like the kids being told that our house is NOT their home and they only have one home and their mom is their REAL family, crap like that. BM is very insecure with the fact that the kids love DH and I and love to come stay with us, so I guess this is her immature and selfish way of dealing with it. DH and I just feel completely helpless with these issues and we hate that these poor young minds are being screwed with like this. I guess we just have to try to keep doing the right thing and hope that one day when they get older they will see things clearly and not be brainwashed by then.

My hubbys divorce decree says something to the effect that the terms mother and father are only for them the children cannot call another mother or father.

Not sure if that is standard or not. No clue never been divorced.