Moving to make room for mom?
Painted Peggies (zone 6a)
9 years ago
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DLM2000-GW
9 years agoRelated Discussions
Moving Mom- hope we both survive
Comments (11)This is not my mother's long time home, that was sold years ago. It is a long time apartment and the last place that she lived with dad, who has been gone 8 years. When they sold that house I got all the family heirlooms. The kinds of things I want her to get rid of are 24 glass pickle jars. Wouldn't 6 be enough? A zillion plastic margerine containers. 8 dress raincoats (we are keeping 6), Shoes with too high of heels for her to wear anymore. Double sheets when she hasn't had a double bed for decades. The ratty towels and blankets when she has dozen of nice ones that are "too good to use". It is independent living. She can come and go as she pleases. She can have one to 2 meals a day if she wants. She has a full kitchen and she does enjoy cooking. There is a handicapped shower. She has had nothing but a sponge bath for several years because she is afraid of falling in the tub. It has a large bedroom and lots of closets and storage. It is an apartment with amenities. Someone who comes in and does light housekeeping once a week. A handyman to change a light bulb or hang a picture. (She hates to ask dh, thinks she is imposing. At her current apartment there use to be the maintenance man who went above and beyond his duties for her. The apartment building changed hands and she now has typical landlords. Change your own furnace filter and light bulbs.) And the most important thing, is social contact with someone besides me. She cannot walk like she use to and misses all the people she use to chat with on her walks. There are people that she knows that live at the independenet living apartments. People leave their door open and visit. They have transportation to her favorite grocery store every other week. I will continue to take her on the off weeks. It is a few miles closer to me. It is not in the same town, but the immediately adjacent town. If you are not from the area you think they are the same city, much to the annoyance of residents. She is getting forgetful. She is falling. She starts her walks at dusk, no concept of time. This move is for my peace of mind, and hopefully a new lease on life for her. I sure hope so, 'cause my grandma lived to 96 and if mom lives that long she needs a change. This just sounds like I am trying to justify moving her. Not only to I want what is best for her but what is good for me and my family, too....See MoreHow can we make mom move to assist. liv?
Comments (14)You really are in the worst possible situation here - and the worst is that everyone is at a distance. I agree that you should contact your local Alzheimer's Assn. chapter. Also, there's an Academy Award nominated film by Deborah Hoffmann called Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter which is a beautiful chronicle of a daughter trying to do the right thing at the right time for her Mother who has Alzheimer's. I wouldn't be surprised if it couldn't be downloaded off the internet. Just some random thoughts that may not apply. Do you know if your MIL sees her doctor regularly? Sometimes something easily curable like a bladder infection really knocks the elderly on their pins - mood changes and acting nutty. Those can lead to dehydration, blood pressure drops, dizziness and falls. At the stage where your MIL is now, being a little delusional is a kind of defense mechanism (which she probably isn't even aware of) for her being confused and forgetful. Making notes, of course, is the same, but that won't last too long. There are so many different kinds of dementia, at least 35, but for those people in my support groups who have a loved one with Alzheimer's type dementia plus hallucinations - Lewy Body dementia is brought into the mix. Is there someone in the town where she lives who could be trusted to call her on a regular basis? Neighbor, friend, someone from a church group? You or your BIL even though it would be long distance? As long as mail and newspapers, etc. are disappearing, those people who come by the house daily would never be aware someone inside might need assistance. Would she consent to a device like "LifeLine"? It happens sometimes that the local police are asked to check on the welfare of someone elderly and that could result in Social Services being called in. Even in assisted living, someone might still have to help manage some of her affairs. Your BIL with her POA or a guardian. No matter what, it's going to be gut wrenching, but it makes more sense to consider bringing her to a facility close to you or your BIL rather than leaving her protected in a facility but still at some great distance from either of her sons. And the time to look into facilities is now. You're not obligated, but at least you'd know what's out there when the time comes. Like asolo said, sometimes it's that catastrophic event that forces your hand. But sometimes despite someone's best efforts, catastrophies occur. I know this is eating you up, but you've got to try and look at things with a "colder eye" so you've got the right frame of mind for the decisions that are going to come down the road....See MoreNew here and need some help with Mom moving in
Comments (9)You better buckle your seat belts cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride. I'm glad overall that I took my MIL in but it certainly has taken a lot of adjusting. The best advice I can give you is set some boundries now, and be prepared to change them as time goes on. Give her ( if possible) her own living space separate for yours. We are lucky enough to have two bedrooms and a bath on one end of our home that we have converted into an "apartment" (she calls it that) for her. She has a bedroom and a sitting TV type room and it has her furniture from her home in it arranged the way she likes it.(usually messy) She can get up and watch tv at all hours of the night if she wants, talk on the phone or do whatever in her space. She has her own bathroom full her of her stuff.( older people seem to have a lot of lotions and ointments and such for some reason) I no longer allow her to cook because she set fire to the kitchen 3 times but she is allowed to use the micro ( with supervision--she has been known to punch in 15 minutes to warm a roll). At night I unplug this stuff because she does get up a lot. She isn't doing this stuff to be spitefull or naughty--she just has lost the ability to think and reason. You cannot be angry or upset because she truly cannot help what she has become. When she first moved in it was stressful because she loved her things and would often remove my pictures and pillows to replace with her stuff. It really bugged me. Now she has a place that she can have her things and I can still have mine. As far as food choices, she's been with us for two years now and seems to enjoy what I cook. If she has a craving for something special I'm always willing to fix it for her and let her help me do the prep if she can. The dementia, physical weakness and mobility have really limited her on what she can do. She likes to sometimes sit in the kitchen while I cook just to have some girl talk. (thats another story--Ive been having the same "girl talk" for two years now--she forgets what she tells me) There are gonna be days that you will be so frustrated that you cant breath and you want to go screaming in the woods. This will consume your life. Eventually everything you do will have to be planned around her. Think long and hard about taking this on. For us it started out that "MOM was a little ditsy and had to stay with us after Dad died. She certainly had more ability to care for herself then. Be fully prepared to deal with the situation if they start to loose those abilitys--chances are they will. I wish you a lot of luck with this. Let us know how it's going for you and remember this site is a great place to ask or vent or rant. BELIEVE ME--it has been my saving grace to have a place to go where people understand what it's like....See MoreThe next big thing for my Mom's move to assisted living
Comments (21)Our experience has been the same as gardengal's. Mother moved from her home to a one bedroom independent living apartment. Many of her antiques, all of her jewelry. And, she'd worked several years at a jewelry store....and found those employee cost + 10% terms very hard to pass ;0) From independent to a facility that was both independent and assisted when she needed a little more help. Again, a one bed apartment. I moved her in February to a studio in a facility where she gets more attention after finding response time too slow where she was, staff too limited. It's working out perfectly. She is in a studio apartment in a wing called enhanced assisted. Not full time nursing but more attention while still giving her some independent opportunities, stimulation, activities she may choose. Her own furniture and some of her antiques. Some of her jewelry still - because she asked for it, and its hers. Nothing has ever been missing, disturbed, 'borrowed'. Her antique barristers cabinet is outside her apartment at the hallway end. It was that, or storage and I didn't want to take it away from her. It holds some of her porcelain and pincushion dolls, family photos in antique frames, some of her books. No one has touched it other than housekeeping when dusting or cleaning the glass doors. This last facility is huge, and lovely. Every level of care from just reaching the point of wanting dining room meals and housekeeping, to full memory care. I moved her in February and am still carrying a map in my purse ;0) It's on enough acres it has three postal addresses depending on which wing one is residing in. An enormous staff as you can imagine, everyone so far has been helpful and honest. I've yet to meet or hear of a light fingered neighbor....See MorePainted Peggies (zone 6a)
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9 years agoPainted Peggies (zone 6a)
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