No "words of wisdom" to offer, but I sympathize with you and empathize with your Mother. DH and I are younger--by a few years--than she, but know that sooner or later, we'll need to move to someplace where there's less stuff--house, yard, general upkeep--to take care of than we now have. That's why we down-sized and moved here 16 years ago. We got rid of 28 years' accumulation in that move, but have re-accumulated most of it! I keep telling myself, "Throw it away!", but it's hard work and slower progress.

Be patient with your Mom and be glad she's here for you to help her. :>)

I sympathize with you.It's not an easy thing to do.

Oh yes, I can only imagine how hard it's been. I had to clear out our third floor a decade ago and it was... painful.

I'll be 62 in August and my mother died when she was only 60. Lupus. I do wish she was still around to help.

Maybe she will love it there once you get her moved.
My aunt lives in a small assisted living place and she loves
it. She says she wishes she had moved a long time ago.
She sounds much like your mom but when it came time, she
told the kids to take what they wanted, have a yard sale or give it to goodwill.

Be patient, this is a BIG change for her.
She will be fine once she has the move behind her and she is settled.

Between relatives and in-laws, I've had the Downsizing Duty several times. I've come to the conclusion that there is no way to *comfortably* disperse the accumulation of many years. Even if they tried to 'be ready', there are still so many items.

Your phrases are spot-on; add "I need that" (heard especially while clearing out decades-old and musty clothing) and "Those are still good [useful]" while sorting through stacks of magazines and books.

I don't have any wisdom to offer, but I have learned:

Find out what is really valued and make it obvious that it will stay (one MIL adored her photo albums and didn't really care about all the hand-embroidered linens).

Dispose of unused/unworn/excellent-condition items quickly - and if possible to an organization that can use them.

IF, and it's a big 'if', mom or whoever is agreeable to the downsizing, don't ask them to help pack! Sitting in a chair and saying whether or not something should be kept is sufficiently stressful.

*Get everything out of the house as quickly as possible.* The longer s/he sees that old suit, the more likely s/he will want to keep it.

Make use of rental storage. Whether it's letters that should go in a collection or a dresser in perfect condition, rental storage gives you time to consider true value and best disposition. One relative was a packrat: her son moved everything into a storage unit and informed her that if she could name or describe the wanted item, it would be brought back. Interestingly, the items she wanted barely furnished the new residence.

Don't yell or get upset. That's a life that is being disposed of, tossed away, and seemingly devalued. Remember that karma has a tendency to make sure one is treated in the same way one treats others.

Pat yourself on the back for doing what needs to be done, in the best way you can. No one else is going to truly appreciate the time and effort and stress, and especially the heartbreak of sorting and disposing of the momentos of a life.

You guys all make me feel better. Thanks. We are tossing around the idea of a storage unit, Think we will do it.

Oh, dear....here I am at 79 so I can really empathize with your Mother. My kids are threatening to bring in a dumpster or several if they ever need to move me. You say that you are finally "insisting" that she move. Wrong reason! The question is: "Does she want to move?" If you are forcing her she will not only be upset but will probably become so depressed you won't recognize her. If she wants to move or if it is medically necesssary for her to move than try to make it less painful for her. There are "Living At Home" resources here where I live and they come in and help older folks with heavy cleaning etc., so they can continue to live in their home. And there are several other programs and resources available so that she can stay where she is. Meals On Wheels, Adult Day care etc. I've been "down-sizing" for almost 10 years now, still not finished and it is painful ! And very depressing. We elders have to deal with our kids trying to tell us what to do, why and so forth. How do they know how I feel or what I want? The notes and info she has been keeping all these years are very important to her. She certainly had a reason being a retired nurse. One floor living would be great but that's not how my house is. I can go up and down stairs, it takes me a while, but I can. My personal things are very dear to me. Yes, I have things that were my Grandmother's and my Mother's and my Dads. But, you know what? They are MY things. I don't care if anyone else likes them or not, they are a comfort to me. I'm sure your Mom has the same kind of momentos. What you think is junk or just stuff, is after all HER stuff and part of her life. I'm going to be the Scrooge here and tell you that I think what you are doing is entirely wrong. Let your Mom live where she is happy. It is not your decision to insist that she move. Contact "Living At Home" if necessary. Help her clean house once a month. If there are other problems, there are usually more solutions. I'm sure you love her and are concerned about her but let her make the decisions.

Posieh ~ you have a valid point IF the adult in question is still mentally capable. There's assistance available for just about every physical disability, so imo, that alone not a valid reason to move a person.

One thing I've observed (and that may be due to character of the people I know) is that *no one* wanted to move an elderly relative unless there was no other choice. "Forgetfulness" seems to be a primary reason. Not because Aunt Sue has forgotten who you are in spite of weekly visits; but because of the pans forgotten and left on lit stove burners, and bills not paid because notices were set aside and buried under un-read [or forgotten] other mail, and physical uncleanliness due to thinking that a bath/shave/clean clothing were already done for the day. Personal safety was also a reason, when auntie would admit utter strangers into the residence (just because someone says they are a repairman doesn't mean s/he actually is); or when s/he would go shopping but omitting to lock the door behind or forgetting keys.

Some times, whether we want to admit it or not, our choice is to agree with auntie's self-proclaimed independence (and ignore the obvious forgets) or insist that auntie live where care is taken of and for her.

It's also true that what someone considers "being independent" is only possible because others are actually taking care of details. I just spent some holiday time with a group that included a woman of 80 who insisted that she can do everything herself, conveniently forgetting that if it weren't for her two daughters doing all her shopping, taking her out at least twice a week for dinner or lunch, stopping in several times a week to check on things, she would be totally isolated. I would only hope that my own children would be so kind and generous and that I will be kind and generous enough to defer, at least in part, to their awareness of my situation.

This is not my mother's long time home, that was sold years ago. It is a long time apartment and the last place that she lived with dad, who has been gone 8 years. When they sold that house I got all the family heirlooms. The kinds of things I want her to get rid of are 24 glass pickle jars. Wouldn't 6 be enough? A zillion plastic margerine containers. 8 dress raincoats (we are keeping 6), Shoes with too high of heels for her to wear anymore. Double sheets when she hasn't had a double bed for decades. The ratty towels and blankets when she has dozen of nice ones that are "too good to use". It is independent living. She can come and go as she pleases. She can have one to 2 meals a day if she wants. She has a full kitchen and she does enjoy cooking. There is a handicapped shower. She has had nothing but a sponge bath for several years because she is afraid of falling in the tub. It has a large bedroom and lots of closets and storage. It is an apartment with amenities. Someone who comes in and does light housekeeping once a week. A handyman to change a light bulb or hang a picture. (She hates to ask dh, thinks she is imposing. At her current apartment there use to be the maintenance man who went above and beyond his duties for her. The apartment building changed hands and she now has typical landlords. Change your own furnace filter and light bulbs.) And the most important thing, is social contact with someone besides me. She cannot walk like she use to and misses all the people she use to chat with on her walks. There are people that she knows that live at the independenet living apartments. People leave their door open and visit. They have transportation to her favorite grocery store every other week. I will continue to take her on the off weeks. It is a few miles closer to me. It is not in the same town, but the immediately adjacent town. If you are not from the area you think they are the same city, much to the annoyance of residents.

She is getting forgetful. She is falling. She starts her walks at dusk, no concept of time. This move is for my peace of mind, and hopefully a new lease on life for her. I sure hope so, 'cause my grandma lived to 96 and if mom lives that long she needs a change. This just sounds like I am trying to justify moving her. Not only to I want what is best for her but what is good for me and my family, too.

tibs, my opinion doesn't really matter, but what you say leads me to believe that the decision you are making has been carefully made. I don't think that you are "wrong" for making a decision based on your apparent concern for her wellbeing. When, for a variety of reasons, my own mother went to a retirement home, she quickly adjusted and gradually came to think that it's what she wanted all along. She felt SAFE!!!
I have never regretted settling her in a place where she could live with dignity and where she was cared for in ways that preserved her integrity. I hope that your mother will have a similar experience.