New- Really need help..

11 years ago

Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same situation you may be able to offer some advice.

I am divorced with two boys aged 11 and 8. I have a partner and we've been together 2 yrs and it was a VERY gradual integration and he didn't see the boys for most of the first year plus I knew him 2 years before that. He is 34 and I'm 39 but I am his first relationship and he doesn't have children or any experience. So understandably it was different for him coming into an established family. We had some teething problems but he did so well and when he chose to be was amazing with the boys. He is a very selfish person and has a very short fuse so that has been a problem but generally fine. He would stay at mine 5 days a week and was about to move in. Suddenly about 2 mths ago hes started to have less tolerance, judging my parenting, critising me and my boys, my eldest in particular. My 11yr has been affected by me and his Dad splitting up and found it very hard to accept a new person but has done well. He also is harder work than my 8yr old as he's hitting puberty and has very low self esteem and can be challenging. He fidgets all the time, gets angry and is demandung but I am having this investigated as could be adhd or similar. Anyway things wirh partner have become awful, he says if my eldest wasn't around he'd be happier, he says spending time with me and the boys in the eve is dead time and has been very critical. But most of the things he critises are just because they re children, not because they are awful. But being childless he is judgmental and has the attitude "if they were mine they wouldnt do that!". We have now stripped it back to 2 yrs ago when he only comes round when the boys aren't here which is not a long term solution. I am very hurt and now very protective about the three of us. Last weekend I asked him are we what you want and he said "I don't know". Would welcome some advice whether you think I should get out of this, whether it will get better, whether I need a man with his own children or paternal bone in his body! I was very much in love with him but feel quite differently at the moment as all he wants to do is act like he's 18 which is basically what he's been doing for 34 yrs. Thanks, sorry its long.

Featured Answer

cacocobird

11 years ago

Very doubtful that he would suddenly become a good father figure. If you are looking for a serious relationship, look somewhere else.

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Comments (11)

sylviatexas2
11 years ago
You already know the answer, but sometimes we need to hear it from outside our own heads.

A super-critical, demanding person with a "short fuse" is never a good risk as a partner.

You have 2 children.

Cut the line & throw him back.

I wish you the very best.
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runrun2
Original Author
11 years ago
Thanks for the replies
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
You should be all "Mama Bear" here. This guy is bad for you and horrible for your boys. Boot him to the curb.
colleenoz
11 years ago
If at 34 this is his first relationship he has other issues which aren't going to make this any easier. As Sylvia suggests, cut him loose and get on with your life raising your boys in love, not criticism.
prairie_rose
11 years ago
I agree with the others. I had a few casual relationships after my divorce. It doesn't take long to weed them out. I decided very early on that my kids were number 1 and my duty was to them. When they graduated from high school was when I then took the time to find the right man for me. And I found him. You will too, but always put your kids welfare first!
User
11 years ago
The older they they get, the shorter the fuse !! I think you already know what you should do.
lisaw2015 (ME)
11 years ago
Last weekend I asked him are we what you want and he said "I don't know".

Seems he has given you an answer already....do you not hear it?
blueheron
11 years ago
It's not a good idea to live with somebody when you have children. Their life is already chaotic with the divorce and moving somebody else in the house is not recommended. Plus, this guy is not a keeper, cut your losses and leave. Concentrate on your children for the forseeable future.
Stephanie Stokes
11 years ago
Have to agree with everyone that says cut your losses now. It's never easy and it hurts but YOU DESERVE someone that will accept you and your children.
patty_cakes42
11 years ago
Run, not walk, as fast as you can! I did, but it took 25 years, and my now adult children lack confidence and it's hard for them to make decisions. You're be better off raising your children by yourself in the long run. Remember, no one will ever love your children as much as you, and no one will consider your feelings or theirs if they are hurt emotionally, physically, or mentally.

I hope this goes to your email. God bless. ;)

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cacocobird

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sylviatexas2

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