I really need some advice.. im new here...

15 years ago

I almost feel like I am in way over my head.

Ive been having these feelings that wont go away. I have bust into tears many times out of frustration. I want to just get into my car and drive and drive.

...here's the thing.

I am 10 years younger than my spouse. She has FOUR kids.

two of them that live with us. one is 10, and one is 12.

I feel like i have NO SAY at all in the way they are raised. Yes, they are not mine as far as DNA goes. But they are still apart of my life everyday.

I knew when i began dating her she has four kids, and i loved her so much that i didnt care.

but i am having a very hard time.

the thing is. her kids LOVE ME!! I try SOOOO hard to be the best step parent i can be. but there is always a fight for her attention. and they get EVERYTHING they want! they empty the bank. they run her ALL THE TIME. and of course. i cant say anything about it!

i am so afraid to lose her because of how i am feeling. whenever i talk to her about it. its always" you dont want my kids here. " and no, thats not the case. i want them here, but do they have to act the way they do??. theyre spoiled. they stay up all night if they want. they swear, and watch and listen to music with swearing and sexual content in it all the time. every time they have to go to bed, they come down and make up excuses to stay up longer. its like shes completely blind to it. she gives in. they manipulate her ALL THE TIME, and she doesnt even see it. I am terrified for when they are teenagers.. i am so scared of how their going to be. her son (the 12 year old) is so dark. always talking about guns and knives, and swears. and talks about sex. its just so uncomfortable. and she just says NOTHING. ... i clench my jaw, and have to literally bite my tongue. im so stressed out. its killing me. her daughter is always fighting for her attention. anytime i want to be alone with her. she barges in, and demands her mother to go tuck her in for the 50th time.

its almost like shes afraid they wont like her. so she does whatever they want.

ahhhhh im so frustrated!!!!! i dont want to lose her. and dont get me wrong. i love her kids. but its getting to the point where. i cant take it anymore. please help.

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Comments (6)

justmetoo
15 years ago
--"Ive been having these feelings that wont go away. I have bust into tears many times out of frustration. I want to just get into my car and drive and drive".--

My suggestion is that you make an appointment with your dr. for a complete physical and being sure you talk to him/her about the feelings that won't 'go away' and that you're bursting into tears. Dr may then recommend/refer to different counseling/treatments/therapy.

You need to take control of yourself and be whole and healthy before you can begin to deal with what else is going on in your life and/or make important decisions about your choices and homelife.
caphillsm
15 years ago
You certainly weren't expecting it to be this way, were you? You and your wife have vastly different parenting standards. Without serious intervention and agreement to specific changes, this isnt going to change. And you would likely confront these issues if you had a biological child of your own with her.

My personal opinion is that if she won't address this NOW, with the help of a professional, than you should spare yourself the possible years of grief ahead and get out now.

As step parents, we are here to support our spouses. But if their decisions are so fundamentally opposed to ours, how can that be done? The best scenario is to figure this out BEFORE getting married....but that is not always possible. People change, and when we are dating, we don't always see the bigger, longer term picture.

You sound desperate, and it is understandable. Please seek professional help asap. You need to manage your own stress. Ask for a referral for you and your wife to seek help together. If she wont go, IT ISNT YOUR FAULT. You need to do something, and you will feel better and begin to think more clearly with an expert helping you.

Allowing the children to behave in the way you described is not acceptable. You have reason to be concerned about the future!
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finedreams
15 years ago
sounds very stressful..i agree with others, see a doctor, get your life together and tell her that something is going to change otherwise she will lose you.
ulrike1
15 years ago
What a terrible living situation! Sounds intolerable for you. To feel insignificant and also to be witnessing the destruction of those kids by crappy parenting. My main suggestion for you right now is this: don't do ANYTHING yet to tie yourself more to these people. You didn't say if you are a guy or a gal--if you guys are a straight couple, don't get her pregnant or you will never be able to get away from the train wreck.

Because, it's not going to end. You didn't say how old you are, but if you are fairly young you have a LOT of years ahead of you, and if they are going to be miserable, it might be time to cut your losses and move on. If your spouse is unwilling to allow you equal standing in your own home, maybe the first step is to try living apart for a while. You need to feel your own self-worth and empowerment again, to help you judge accurately if the way you are living now is good for you.

On the other hand, if she is willing to work with you and treat you like an equal, and if you truly do love these children enough to make them a lifetime part of your family (a lifetime is a long time!), your presence will probably benefit them quite a bit. But it won't help them to see their mother treat their other parent figure like another child.
catlettuce
15 years ago
"Ive been having these feelings that wont go away. I have bust into tears many times out of frustration. I want to just get into my car and drive and drive. "

Trust your gut. #1 I agree, get to your physician and address how your feeling #2 There is a reason you are reacting so strongly and want to flee.

I wish I had listened to my "gut" feelings, I would have saved myself a lot of distress. It's a lot harder to move along 10 years later.

((Hugs)) Take care of yourself.

~Cat
pinkhill
15 years ago
Talk to her and ask for family counseling. If you cant talk to her about this then there are some major cracks in the relationship.
This may go deeper than just parenting styles, you know.

I really need some advice.. im new here...

Comments (6)

justmetoo

caphillsm

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