Step Son Help

StepDadRowdy

Hi, Im Rowdy and have been married for 11 years now. My wife had 3 kids when we got married. The father of the kids hasnt been in there lives for a very long time ( other than one time which I will expalin later in reference to my step son ). My oldest Step Daughter is in college and doing well, and so is her sister who is a sophmore in High School. My Step son is 14 and we have been having issues with him for a good 5 years now. I have been in the military now for 12 years and have provided so much for my family and have tried my best with Bryan who I have always given more time and attention to because of the Father Son relationship.
Bryan is very verbally abusive and sometimes even physical to me and my wife. He has a horrbile temper and is on a very low dose of mood stabilizers and anti depression medicine. My wife has Bi-Polar disorder in her family which I have been told can be heriditary ( I prob spelled that wrong ). I at no means am giving him an excuse for his behavior and I expect alot from him in terms of behavior and grades. We have had to call the police a couple times to help us control him and his tantrums. He doesnt do well in school which I am on him alot about. He currently has no access to his Xbox, cellphone, and Ipod which i took from him for his grades. When I took his ipod he began to do his "normal" behavior of calling me a B***, N**** ( I am not african american nor is he ), and pushed me numerous times to get away from him. He told me that he would whip my A** ( not the first time, I am a good solid 175 and hes about 140 wet, I am in the military ) I just dont know what to do.
This has really put a strain on my marriage, and the home environment. My two daughters resent him for his behavior and how he treats me and his mom. I am not sure what to do, I have given him everything I can. I have spent so much time with him and sports games, or playing outside, coaching his teams, you name it I prob have done it. Is this normal? I have read a lot of posts and have had mixed answers. Thought I would put my stuff up and see what I can get. Thanks.

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daisyinga

No, this is not normal. Has he been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? If he has been prescribed an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer, has he been seen by a psychiatrist or was this prescribed by a family practice doctor?

If your stepson has mental health issues you and your wife should probably see a counselor to help you deal with this issue, both for your sakes and his. I would start with the NAMI web site.

I don't know a lot about bipolar disorder. I had a dear friend who was bipolar and responded well to the medication. I have some acquaintances who are bipolar and don't function well, but perhaps they don't take their meds. But I do believe there is hope and treatment for the disorder.

I know that with depression sometimes doctors have to adjust the medication sometimes to find what works best for that patient. Hopefully you and your wife are communicating closely with your son's doctor.

If your son has mental health issues, I hope you are able,to get counseling and good care for him now, before he turns 18. Once he turns 18 I think there are privacy issues, etc. Also worse legal issues if he cannot control his temper.

No, it is not normal to have to call the police because your teenage son cannot control his temper. It's not normal in most homes I'm familiar with to have a teenager call his parents names,like you describe. In my experience every teenager I know who behaves like you describe either has a mental illness, or is doing drugs, or lives in a home where the parents behave the same way. It doesn't sound like anyone else in your home behaves like this, so I'd look at the other reasons.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You'd be surprised how many wonderful, loving families are dealing with these types of problems. There is help. I hope you find the help you need.

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StepDadRowdy

Thanks, yes my stepson has been seen by both a physicatrist and a family care provider. When he was arrested it he was sent to an inpatient facility which perscribed the meds. He has not been diagnosed as bi-polar, bi-polar does run on my wifes side of the family but the physicatrist here will not diagnose a young child as that until the brain is more formed ( is the answer we have been told by the physicatrist here ). He does take his meds but it is a struggle sometimes. We had an incident last night about doing homework and it was a difficult time. I got to the point where I had to pretty much bear hug him and tell him in his ear that I loved him and he needed to calm down. It took about an hour to get him to the point where he did his homework after a couple of holes in the walls and bite marks. Sometimes I feel like I am Betty Ross trying to calm the Hulk down in a rage. Thanks for the kind words. I am not an amazing parent I was probably way to young when I started and have made sooo many mistakes with all my kids but I just dont know where to go from here.

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jewelisfabulous

Sometimes, when a child is so out of control, it's best for his future and for the family for him to live elsewhere with people trained to deal productively with kids like this while there's still time to adjust their behavior before they reach adulthood.

Here's a place to consider: http://www.boystown.org/

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jmc01

Your step son may be having internal issues/struggles over the lack of his birth dad. Might want to consider getting him into therapy.

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daisyinga

It sounds to me like he has a mental illness. If this was my family I would look for resources on the NAMI website, try to find a support group for parents of children who have a mental illness, look for a good family counselor and talk to his doctor. Your family practice doctor or his psychiatrist should be able to point you to some help.

I have someone dear to me who had substance abuse issues and I went to a support group for families of alcoholics. It was very, very helpful to me.

I'm sure you've made some mistakes - haven't we all?! As you've probably seen from dealing with your stepdaughters, it's very different dealing with a mentally ill teen than it is dealing with a teen who doesn't have mental health issues. I hope you can get some help now. Some counselors will work on a sliding scale fee, I've heard. If you can find a good support group, perhaps somebody there can point you to people who can help. You and your wife need to be prepared for when your stepson is 18 and older. It takes time to find a counselor who is a good match and to have health professionals find the right medications. Also time to develop a good support network. It would be better if you had all of those things in place before he turns 18. Start now.

If your stepson is mentally ill then he is not this way because you are a stepfather, because you've made mistakes, because you're young or because you were a bad parent. He's this way because his brain doesn't work the same way yours or mine does. Every teen has parents who make mistakes; perfect parenting won't fix your stepson. Get some help for you and your wife so you can be the best parent for your stepson and not feel guilt for the things that are beyond your control.

Many, many fine people are in your same situation. And I believe the mentally ill people I know do not want to be the way they are. It sounds to me like you are dealing with someone who is ill. If his leg was broken you'd know what to do. His illness is in his brain and it's hard to understand - hard for you and hard for him.

Your stepson is blessed to have a caring stepdad. Hang in there.

This post was edited by daisyinga on Sun, Feb 8, 15 at 21:06

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sylviatexas2
yep. Get rid of him, send him away, let someone else deal with him, that won't freak him out, make him feel betrayed & tricked & infuriated on top of whatever anguish he's feeling now, & even if it does, uh...well...

I'm sorry you & your family are going through this, & I'm really glad you were able to get him calmed down.

Many times getting a psychotropic drug adjusted is a hit-&-miss process, & the the process isn't pretty.

Please get back to the psychiatrist & work on this some more.

I wish all of you the very best.
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