haven't read everything, just can't bear to read it all at once, but wanted to chime in. My mother was a sociopath, a narcissist, & an abuser. Narcissistic mothers sometimes, I'd guess almost always, hate their daughters because the daughters are rivals. I was the oldest, & I had 2 younger brothers. My mother did the same thing yours did: She'd work herself into a rage, storm down the hall to get the razor strap, storm back, by which time we were all crying & I was hysterical, grab her favorite son & hit him about 4 times, toss him aside, grab the next one & hit him about 8 to 10 times, toss him aside.. & grab me & beat me, as you said, arm fully extended, until she collapsed, exhausted, panting, & sometimes sobbing. It's no accident that it happened that way. 1) I was made to watch her beat my brothers, building up her rage, knowing that I would be beaten much longer & much harder...so the terror was magnified & prolonged. 2) To this day, I feel guilt & shame that my brothers were beaten; it was always my fault-for not stopping them from doing something, for not making sure that they did do something. anything was a good enough excuse, *& all 3 of us believed it*. My brothers believe it was all my fault. To this day, I have no concept that I was ever cute or smart... because those traits belonged to my mother, & she punished any encroachment onto her domain. I've also learned that it doesn't stop with the adult abuser; my brothers both take it for granted that they're superior to me & that whatever happened to me (us) was my fault. & girls who 'tell someone' are often not believed; narcissists/sociopaths are intuitive chameleons. Even my father never knew, & I marvel at the threats/intimidation my mother must have used on us to keep her secret. When I finally, in my late forties or early fifties, realized that this was horrific abuse, & I talked to my aunts & cousins about it, they were thunderstruck. My aunt even told me that she sometimes thought what a lucky girl I was, to have a mother who loved me so much & was so proud of me. This is the first time in a while that I've thought about this or communicated about it, & my shoulders are already tight & my head is beginning to throb. I wish you the very best.

I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you.

Happy Birthday sweetie!! Mom sorry but it goes down hill from here before you realize it you will be shedding tears like me when she goes off to college! Hugs and Daughter love your momma hug her.....when you leave it will be hard on her and it goes soooo much faster then you think.....Stacy

This doesn't answer your question since my DD isn't a mother. But her birthday is just before Mother's Day so when I give her a birthday gift I also buy something for her dog since he is like her child. I tend to buy several little items. This year it was fudge, a lavender spa gift basket, a new coffee mug (she favors large ones and I found one that was 27 ounces) and then of course a check since that's what she needs the most. Her condo is on the small size so I try to give disposable gifts unless she's specifically mentioned something. It was easier when she owned a home with a yard because she loves to garden and I'd find a plant that she wanted. We attended the PHS Flower show every year and that was always a good source. My DDIL is a Mom and this is only her second Mother's day. According to my son her favorite gift is a GC to a local salon for a massage or hair cut and manicure. That's so easy I think that just might become my annual gift along with volunteering to baby sit. I used to pride myself on creative gift giving but is seems like the older the kids get the harder it is to be inventive. I really dislike giving something they might not like or need or anything that adds to the general clutter. They are past the 'just starting out' phase which makes it a little harder.