Cindy - You said: "But doesn't a biomom really know what's best for her children?.." And KKNY said something similar before your post. I just want to say that not all BMs have the best interest of their kids in mind. There are a lot of very selfish mothers out there that view children as posessions or weapons. OKTSSIMH's BM is very much that way. She does whatever she does in order to get her way depending on her objective at the moment. And her objectives are pretty varied and change very quickly. I could give tons of instances, but the best one was when I busted OKTSSIMH in a lie. I talked to her about lying one day, just casually and not even really about her. I was talking about lying in general and how it hurts people. So she felt guilty, I guess, and went home and told BM she wasn't going to lie to GIMMSD anymore (BM's told GIMMSD this). BM wanted to know the conversation I had with her and she didn't want to tell her. In order to get her to open up, BM said "well....did you know that your dad would rather go to (Ashley's son's name)'s games than your events". Of course, that's not true and never was (both BM and OKTSSIMH neglected to tell us what time we were supposed to be there after much asking and then wouldn't answer the phone that morning). Basically BM didn't mind hurting her own DD just to get info out of her. And in the process hurt her dad and her relationship with my DS. Purely selfish motive. I could go on and on with tons of examples, but I won't bore you. Sometimes we all just have to face it that there really are some bad moms out there that may be masquerading around as good moms.

--"why OP is making a federal case out of unmade beds by young adults or teens is beyond me, and likely beyond her DH."-- I rather wondered that myself on the yardwork bit. If my husband was waiting for son to get up and outside to help, I'd pretty much figure that's their problem (and I am the bio-mom of the last son still in home). My husband is capable of getting Jr up and out when he wants help. I could see myself (which, yeah, has happened) picking up my purse and keys and heading out the door to run errands, have lunch and perhaps check out a few sales. If hubby was still sitting on the porch waiting for Jr to help or having done the work by himself when I got home, I'd pretty much not give a hoot...husband as I stated already is capable of dealing with any disrespect/behavorial issues between father/son all by himself. He doesn't need my 2 cents about it. But again, I think for OP it goes back to expectations. The lax expectaions in her new home are intolerable to her. She's use to children doing things her way and doing them promptly on her command. That worked for her in her old home, raising her own children...but it does not seem to be the way Daddy runs his home, nor appears he desires to (per their latest agrument between Daddy/OP). It rather seems silly and unproductive to me to be all in a fluster over a kid not being 'punished' for doing exactly what Daddy allowed them to do. Unless it personally affects OP what goes on between father/children are IMO between Daddy and 'kids'. If there is overly dramatics in the home perhaps forcing your own expectations and parenting ideas onto someone (husband) who does not desire your assistance in that area could be part of the problem rather than any type of solution. --" The only thing that makes sense to me now is to totally ignore them - have nothing to do with them at all."-- That's pretty much what the attitude should be when it comes to how Daddy finds it acceptable and has less expectations...let their father deal with them, not your 'kid' not your problem. If it does not affect you, why engage in it? But totally ignoring the children while they are in your home as long as they are being polite to you yourself while they try interactng with you will backfire in OP's face. I think deciding to remain but then treating them as the enemy and pretending they are not there because their father and they have different expectations and lifestyles than OP would be a mistake. Either work on a compromising harmony agreement between husband and you in the home together or cut your loses. Nobody is happy in a war zone or having to accept what to them are intolerable situations. I guess it kinda makes me wonderful how all these people got along during the meet and date period (hmmmm, now that KK mentions it, I wonder how long this period was) and why it was carried on into a married joint household if things were so intolerable for the OP from the get-go (these 'kids' did not develop terrible habits ...terrible in her opinion... over night nor did Daddy suddenly become a more tolerating parent with lax rules). If the OP knew there were major issues in expectations and parenting styles that she would not be able to live with but actually thought once she had a ring on her finger she'd change it all to her liking she's rapidly discovered differently. People, lifestyles and expectations don't instantly change just because a couple says 'I do'. If there is any chance (which she has not answered to as of yet) that OP was TOW and/or played any part in a 'nasty' divorce tossed in with the already different expectations of children and lifestyles, I can't imagine how OP thought this joint household was going to be a good idea. I'd think real hard about taking my cats and moving back into my old house (hopefully not sold yet)and considering the counseling idea. As OP states she is an intelligent woman, is not happy in the mess she got herself into.. and really, life is too short to spend it trying to change people and living unhappy...I'd take a step back and rereview what it is I'd gotten myself into and what I'm going to do about it. As it is now, it does not sound as if husband plans on parenting any differently just to suit your preferences (which he appears to not share based on his own statement) nor stepping up his already set expecations of his 'kids'. I wish the OP good luck and do have to suggest that she needs to stand back and look in a mirror to see if perhaps she herself is causing part of the stress and tension occuring in the home. One must realize sometimes that changes have to come from within one's self before one can expect changes in others.

Mary 1956, whoever said that there is something wrong with you because it bothers you that your husband's ex-wife is included in his family in a way you aren't has obviously never experienced this kind of hurtful treatment. I have! I am not sure why people act as they do, but a friend of mine told me that many people just don't have the ability to think about other people's feelings like "we" do. I am not sure I agree, but I do see it on a daily basis. Why your husband's ex-wife doesn't see how inappropriate her attendance at his family functions is eludes me. My guess is that she doesn't give a rat's a__ about your husband or you. She must not have any pride. Maybe she does it to hurt your husband and you. Even if your husband says something to his family, it may not help. I am in almost the identical situation, and although my husband and I haven't been married for as long as you, his ex-wife attends many of his families events. To make matters worse, she had an affair that ended their relationship about 15 years ago, and his family seems to not care. She has driven a wedge between him and his kids, and they don't seem to care about that either. And she has done everything she can to prevent me from having a relationship with his adult kids, and for some reason these kids just allow themselves to be manipulated. I hate to say this, but there is probably not much you can do about the situation unless your husband can influence his family. In my mind, they shouldn't have to understand why it bother's you, they should just accept that it does, that YOU are part of the family, and that they should make things comfortable for YOU. Good luck and let us know how things work out!

Thanks for the words of advice and encouragement. Somedays it is really hard to know what the best thing to do is. I used to try and suggest things directly to my dh's ex, but I am always met with "you don't know what it's like because you've never been a mother" Which is true I don't and won't be having children of my own..dh had the operation after the youngest was born-due to complications he does not want to reverse it-we talked extensively about this prior to our marriage, so it was not a surprise. Maybe it has had the effect of me wanting to be closer to my step daughters knowing that they are the closest to children I will have, I just don't know how to do it without upseting her. The thing is that I can in some aspects sympathize with her-I understand that things have not been easy for her in life either. Her father died when she was young, she got pregnant at 17 (dh was 22-the man she left for was older than my dh-I suspect she has spent her life looking for a father type figure-as by accounts by dh & her sister-she did not accept her step dad) Ex is actually a couple years younger than me. Back to the point....My oldest sd was a twin; they were born at 26 weeks. The oldest twin suffered a brain tumor and the doctors felt it was best to take her off life support. Dh feels that his ex never forgave him as she feels that he forced her to consent to let their child die. I can understand this somewhat, (I know as a sister losing is not the same as a mother) my own family dealt with this when my mother became pregnant with twins (which were born at about 26-27 weeks-unfortunately within a year both passed away) when I was 13. I just feel that if bm would lose some of her anger that it could make all of our lives easier. Not that I am saying it is all her fault either-as I mentioned the conversations between dh & ex would turn into shouting matches...I know my dh still holds a resentment at coming home twice to find that she emptied out their home and moved into an apartment with another man. I just can't understand why she has to make things so hard when all dh wants to do is what's best for his daughters and have a good relationship with them. I have tried being friendly, I've tried staying out of her way, but I really don't know what it will take to make her happy-maybe if I disappeared of the face of the earth? I once asked her if her bf's ex made her feel wrong for wanting to do things with his sons...she said that her bf's ex treated her awfully and all she wanted to do was nice things for her ss, but I guess it didn't register that when it comes to her daughters I am in the same position. Hopefully it will get better!! In the meantime I just love my sds when they are with us, do things with them, but also ensure that they have quality alone time with dad as well, and try to always be honest with them....and pray A lot!!