mollymcb - what is your DH's reaction to the situation? Is this an ongoing type of problem between BM and your DH/you?

Have the braces been actually put in either boys mouth yet? If not I would have dh shop around in bm's area and insist that he will not pay more than the range he finds out in that area if she choses to go to a very expensive orthadontist instead of the others. I would also insist on having copies of the bill mailed directly to him from the orthodontist's office, so you can make sure bm is not making you really pay 100% of the bills!

As for the amount of money up front, I would tell bm that she did not consult with you on the down payment and you do not have the money right now--you will have to make her payments.

What is custody like? If DH has joint legal he should have say in this kind of stuff.

The other ladies have given you some good suggestions. I would definitely shop around (assuming the braces have not been put on yet) and get some other "quotes."

Who does your husband pay--does he reimburse BM or does he pay the orthodontist directly? I would definitely recommend NOT paying BM but talking to and paying the orthodontist himself. If he doesn't agree with what the ortho says, then by all means get a second opinion.

When I was 9 or 10, I went to an orthodontist who wanted to break my palate. I don't really know the reasons why, but I do know my parents balked at that (apparently, it's a pretty painful ordeal and takes awhile to heal) and took me to another orthodontist for a second opinion. That guy saw no reason to break my palate, and I went through the typical round of braces for 18 months, and then a retainer for another year or two.

My teeth are perfectly straight today, and I am almost 28.

I don't blame you for being frustrated.

I too am curious to know what your husband's reaction is to all this.

I don't think you can assume that she doesn't care how much it costs, because she "only" has to pay forty percent. Forty percent of thousands of dollars is still a lot of money.

I live in a Suburban area but there were only two orthodontists reasonably close to me, and one my X and I didnt want to use (nice guy, but older, now on verge of retiring, and we know him socially). So it didnt leave us with a lot of choices. DDs braces have gone well over estimate. GRRRR.

Thank you so much for the responses. It feels better just to know that I am not totally off base. Believe me, I love these kids and, of all people, I especially want them to have braces, since my parents could not afford to pay for mine. I am not saying anything differently than what I would do if it were MY children. (DH and I have 2, ages 7 and 1.) I would certainly shop around.

BM did give DH the invoice from the orthod. today and the braces were ALREADY put on last week.

That said, I feel AWFUL for saying anything to DH about it. He just BROKE DOWN IN TEARS talking about it! My DH is a very strong man and I've only seen him cry a few times since I've known him. He is a typical guy, so he doesn't talk about "feelings," but he obviously feels as completely helpless as I do. I told him to just forget about it. We'll pay it, and we'll still go on our anniversary trip. I did say that we need to watch our expenses, though, as we have no idea how much DSS 12's braces are going to be, and we need to plan for that now as much as we can.

They do not have joint parenting or joint custody. (We have them EOW as we can, given their busy lives now.) I don't know what their divorce decree says about major decisions like braces, but my DH is the type of guy who does not like to "make waves" with the ex or DSS. He has jumped through hoop after hoop over the years to try to keep the peace and just go along with whatever they suggest or want.

I have had very little interaction with BM myself, but we are cordial on the rare occasions we see one another. (They live 2 hours away.) All her calls to DH are always on his cell, so she and I never speak on the phone. He and she are also cordial with one another. DH says she is "mentally lazy" so she probably never even thought to consult him on the costs. He also says that she is shallow, inconsiderate, controlling, self-centered and a spend-thrift. (He was still paying off about $19K of their credit card debt when he and I got together, and we scrimped and saved and got it paid off in about 18 mos. As you can tell, I am very "anal" about debt, and we have since paid CASH for everything except big stuff like our house, cars.) In the midst of their divorce, several people told him about affairs she had had. She was pregnant by another man at the time of their divorce, married within a month and gave birth a few months later. I wonder how the man I'm married to could have been remotely attracted to her, but she is very physically attractive (she is a slim, pretty blonde, always dressed to the nines) and I'm sure she can be very sweet and charming as long as she's getting her way. Anyway, I can see that DH does not and will not stand up to her, and it's certainly not my place, so the best thing for me to do is just go with the flow and not let it come between DH and me. As I mentioned, we are coming up on our 9th anniversary, and we are truly more in love now than ever. We are best friends and tell each other everything, but I need to learn NOT to tell him everything about how I feel about the situation with the DSS that we can't control b/c it is an impossible situation. Anyway, as I said, I just needed to VENT, more than anything, so thanks!

I also use this forum to vent at times. Most things dh and I do discuss. But when things come up that can not be changed I vent on here instead of to him. It just makes him feel badly if he sees I am upset about things he has no control of.

So please continue using this forum to vent and seek advice...that is what we are here for :)

TOS and KKNY, regardless of how many orthodontists were available, do you think it was fair for BM not to consult DH about the various payment plans available prior to agreeing to one? I know both of you are BMs, so I appreciate your perspective.

Thanks for the comments. From reading what a lot of you ladies on here go through, I know that our situation with BM could be a whole lot worse, which is what I think DH realizes,too. DH and BM have never had a cross word during the time I've known him (although sometimes that was due to him acquiescing, still, it has kept the peace.) He is a wonderful father and does the best he can, if any of you remember from my past posts, about how he takes each DSS on a special father/son weekend every summer, spends every minute possible with them during visitation and pops in to activities unexpectedly during the workday when he can. I hate for him to be treated like a doormat, but I guess that is evidence of why they're not together anymore. Thanks, again.

I would have (and did) consult with X. But a lot of it depends on how cooperative Xs are. I can understand how CP feels she has to bear the entire burden at tiems.

Perhaps the large amount up front was her only option; if not, it likely lowered the total cost considerably, because there would be less finance charge. Maybe since she was fronting the money for the downpayment she thought that the amount of the downpayment should be up to her. Maybe it worked better with her medical FSA. Who knows?

If the father didn't have enough cash, it seems quite likely that he could get a loan from somewhere at a lower interest rate than the orthodontist would charge.

"Maybe since she was fronting the money for the downpayment she thought that the amount of the downpayment should be up to her. "

But I don't think BM is fronting the downpayment money. As I understood it, I think BM is pitching in 40% of the downpayment money and dad is pitching in 60%.

We are talking about a big chunk of change here and I think BOTH parents should have been involved in determining how the payment schedule would work, etc. It's not considerate to make financial decisions that affect someone else without at least consulting them. BM should have called OP's DH and gone over the payment options/plans and together they could have decided what works.

If bm needed your dh to put a large sum of money up front on the braces she should have consulted with him on this BEFORE the braces went on, not after! That was wrong on her part.

He should not be required to go get a loan because she made the decision to go with an orthodontist and got into a situation where the ortho needed a large downpayment.

Whatever her reasoning for agreeing to a large down payment, whether it was insurance related or required, she should have consulted with your dh before agreeing to it.

Since she did not consult with him I do not feel he should have to come up with a lump sum right now. The best she should hope for are payments that eventually equal that lump sum.

That's the advantage of being the NCP who merely has to reimburse the CP for medical expenses. The CP has to actually pay the doctor or the orthodontist at the time of service, and the other parent can take his sweet time about reimbursing her.

Braces are soooo expensive. I hope all of our kids have and continue to have good teeth.

If he doesn't have the braces in yet I would recommend shopping around also. Even if there arn't alot of options you may luck out and find a dentist who at least doesn't require such a larger upfront sum.

I also agree that least the woman could of done was consult with your husband first. If nothing else just out of consideration since it a considerable amount of money involved. A heads up would of been awesome.

"That's the advantage of being the NCP who merely has to reimburse the CP for medical expenses. The CP has to actually pay the doctor or the orthodontist at the time of service, and the other parent can take his sweet time about reimbursing her."

Whatever.

I would not use the phrase "merely reimburse" in the same conversation when we are talking about thousands of dollars here.

If BM had wanted to have been considerate, she would have talked to her childrens' father prior to entering him into a financial obligation. There probably was no reason for her to have put up all the upfront money and then asked to be reimbursed. Together they could have discussed orthondists and payment options and both had input as to what financially worked for them.

From everything I've read in the OPs post, this dad sounds like a caring, involved and loving father. I don't get ANY impression that he's going to take his sweet time about paying his portion of the money.

It's just COMMON SENSE that he should have been consulted BEFORE the braces were put and on and before financial committiments were made on his behalf.

If this had gone the other way around--if DAD had taken the kids to the ortho and spent $3500 MORE than planned, and then made payment arrangements WITHOUT consulting BM...you would be up in arms, TOS.

"I can understand how CP feels she has to bear the entire burden at tiems."(sic)

If you are referring to a "financial" burden, my DH pays a large sum of child support each month, more than enough to cover ALL of their groceries, clothing, CDs/games, activities and misc. expenses, etc. As for care of the DSSs (in addition to BM's DD), BM is lucky enough to have her parents live next door. BM is out of town a lot either traveling with her DH or taking her DD to national dance competitions, so DSSs spend a lot of time with their GPs and are frequently dropped off at BMs parents on Sundays after visitation. BM works part-time during the school year only, so she is able to be home when the children come home from school and has summers and holidays off with them. I am happy that DSSs enjoy such a great situation. It is quite a stark contrast to my situation, since DH and I (both professionals) work about 50+ hours a week, have no family nearby, so our DSs are in daycare/afterschool care, and we arrive home at about 6:30 pm every night.

"Maybe since she was fronting the money for the downpayment she thought that the amount of the downpayment should be up to her. Maybe it worked better with her medical FSA."

BM did not advance DH's portion. It is due to the orthod. I am not aware of a "medical FSA." As I said, there is no insurance coverage for this. DH pays 100% of health and dental insurance for DSSs but there is no orthodontic coverage.

"That's the advantage of being the NCP who merely has to reimburse the CP for medical expenses. The CP has to actually pay the doctor or the orthodontist at the time of service, and the other parent can take his sweet time about reimbursing her."

LOL at this one. You've got it all wrong. The "advantage" here is to the CP who went out and chose whatever orthodontic care she wanted then stuck DH with the bill. TOS, your bias is showing. You have absolutely NO basis to say DH is taking his "sweet time" in paying his 60%. I said the up front money is to be paid "immediately," and I've said NOTHING to indicate it will not be paid immediately. As I said, we HAVE the money to pay it. You really have to work hard to have that type of wilful blindness to the real issues--the fact that BM unilaterally chose: 1) when the braces would be put on; 2) by whom they would be put on; 3) the amount that would be paid for them; and 4) the payment arrangements, all WITHOUT consulting the person who is responsible for 60% of the payments. TOS, if you hope to have any credibility, you have to recognize that there are times when BMs are just WRONG.

My husband pays 87 percent of all extra medical and daycare expenses, since thats the proportionate amount of he and his ex's combined income.

They have joint physical custody.

Mom has had braces put on the girl, before they are really needed, because they dont cost her much. Mom often runs up bills because Dad has to pay.

Does it bother me? sometimes. Does it keep me up at night? No. Its part of the price of being married to a man with kids.

One thing that does irritate me if I let it, the aftercare that mom has put the younger child in , costs 125 per week. After care is available at the boys school for 25 dollars a week. Yet mom insists on the more expensive aftercare, and my husband gets to pay 87% of it. I think that someone who is paying for the majority of a service should have some say in the cost of that service, when alternatives are available.

Its worthy to note that dad has joint physical, half and half, and still pays mom 800 per month in child support, plus daycare and medical, because his income is so much more than hers.

I honestly dont understand why she works at all. She is so stressed, all the time, and after taxes and extra expenses, she doesnt make much. Her household income is about the same as ours, since her husband makes a very good income. The stress on her from working full time, watching her kids, and his two kids on their days ( her husband has joint), and doing all the housework , shopping, gardening, etc, is making her a little on the angry side, and of course the kids are the ones who suffer from that. I feel sorry for the woman.

I also want to emphasize that, the first we heard about DSS 14 getting braces was a couple weeks ago, so we had no opportunity to plan for this. Had this been one of my DSs, we would have had the ability to control not only the cost (realizing that there is a range that they are all going to pretty much be in) but, more importantly, the TIMING. For example, if my DS, 7, needed braces and we received an estimate of $6200 for them today and were to pay half of that up front, assuming we did not find them from another reputable orthodontist cheaper, we could say, okay, let's wait 6-8 mos before getting them on and save what we can towards them during that time rather than have to raid our savings for the downpayment. The frustration is in not being able to plan and be part of the decision-making process. The way it happened makes DH look like nothing more than a human wallet not the caring father that he is, and that is indefensible and just plain WRONG. This is all I am going to say on the subject, as it is done, and I don't want it to cause trouble in my otherwise happy marriage. Thank you for those of you who let me vent without criticism.

So does that mean your DH paid for 87% of the braces? Did he have any say about the details in advance?

Also, it is a shame how some exs spend so much time and energy trying to make things more difficult (financially and emotionally) for their children's other parent when it does nothing more than create tension that makes the situation worse for the kids. Yes, I share your view that having to deal with things like that is just part and parcel of being married to a man with children. Hopefully, your marriage is happy and satisfying enough to make it worth it, as a lot are not, which leads to the divorce rates in 2nd marriages that KKNY is quick to quote. Best of luck to you.

Finedreams-

Very good point. The only difference between a marriage ending and a long term relationship ending is if you were married you would have some rights. The emotional heartache and seperation anxiety is there...just without any kindof a safety net:(

What a jerk to drag her to another town and boot her and her child on the street. I am throwing perverbial darts at the man as I type.

Again, Good luck Molly. Chin up and push forward. You can do it.

Doodle, I think you meant to post to amyjade. Different situation here.

Molly, there is a finance place called Care Credit where you can finance anything medical/dental with no interest if you pay it within the set time frame, usually 18 months or two years. It is done through GE Money but for some reason you go through Care Credit. I'm doing this now for some dental implants. Can't beat using someone else's money.

It didn't seem to me that the OP's spouse was questioning whether or not the child should have braces. I think most orthodontists require a sizable downpayment. If the mother is going to be the one making all the millions of trips to the orthodontist, then she should be the one to decide where the child goes.

gajopa.. out of curiosity... is the lending based upon your credit status?

Please look into GE Money first - not to say I know of it being a bad deal. Companies such as this and most others who finance items through department stores, etc. are finance companies rather than a lending institution/bank, and the difference between the two can create havoc for your credit score.

Sorry for the OT.

Mom, I would think they would check your credit like anywhere else but I don't recall signing anything to let them.

JNM, not a bad idea to check but I have used them years ago as well as now and haven't had any problems. I check my credit report yearly. I've never paid them a penny interest. Don't know why they would want to do business with me, probably hoping I won't make payments on time.