i am upset that you assume the kids would live with you. Just because you have more money doesnt mean that the children should be taken away from their mother.

I might reconsider my relationship with my friends if they were continually so unsupportive about my choices in life.

As for, meeting the children all I can say is...
relax, take your time at getting to know them, be careful of prejudging them, if you can play with them -- on their level.

Try to make a positive difference in the lives of young people and your own relationships.

This is very strange. Why did they get a divorce if they can still live together now. They are sure giving the kids mixed messages. What do the kids think? Daddy has a girl friend but still lives with Mommy? Are you sure they are not just living an open marriage and you are caught in the middle? I give them credit for trying to make the best life for the kids, but this is just too bizarre. They can make a great life for the kids and not live in the same household too. I would take a real hard look at this situation and then turn around and run. Find someone who doesn't have the attachment to the EX that this one does. I feel if you don't you will never be the #1 women in his life.

Good Luck

It is a strange and weird situation MIStepmom. If I were you Joy32, I would want to be 110% sure that this isn't an open marriage type thing before it goes any farther.

Sometimes when you fall in love with someone, the obstacles are hard to see. You say you want a house full of family even if they aren't your own. But what about what the kids want? Read through this forum and you'll discover that kids don't just breeze through these changes. It is more work and more responsibility than you could even imagine right now. And there is no guarantee that things will work out for everyone involved.
Another problem I foresee would be his current living arrangement. You say that by him living with his ex he is able to be involved in his kids lives. If he shares custody or loses custody, that involvement will be gone. And the added burden of paying child support. Did a court order really approve of this arrangement instead of child support? I'd really check it out.
Be careful and really take your time with this so that you may see things more clearly. There are guys out there that will steal your heart and then break it bad. Keep your feet on the ground and use a lot of common sense. Best wishes!!

I knew someone whose parents did this sort of thing..they were divorced, still living under the same roof, and her boyfriend moved in with them. They may have even been married, can't remember. I do know that it might have set some bad examples as this girl and her sister ended up becoming very promiscuous, perhaps spurned by a lack of positive role models. Who knows.

I'm not sure what man would have the lack of self-respect to move in while the ex-husband is still around, or for that matter, what woman would allow herself to be living under the same roof with two men - I think that puts you in too strained a situation. And if it's not that strained, then again, something isn't right - you're too comfortable! You even said they're more living together to save money than to be there for the kids. Move to another part of town where the rent isn't as high or something. Why would he be paying two rents if he moved out? Let the boyfriend take over some financial responsiblity.

Another question - - if your boyfriend can't afford 2 rents, what happens when you get married? He'll have 2 then. Or will you have to carry the full burden of the place where you and he live?

Personally I think that there is something very wrong with your boyfriend's situation. I would question even remotely being involved with a man that claims he is divorced and lives with his ex-wife for financial reasons.
He seems to have quite a nice set-up going. He's divorced (if he truly is), sees his children everyday, doesn't pay child support and he and his exwife are allowed to date!!
Why did they even get divorced?
They are living together as a family. That is the message that is being conveyed to the children. They see mommy and daddy with other people. What type of values and morals are they teaching these children?
What makes you think this guy is going to leave this cushy situation to one day marry you? He will then have to pay child support. Why would he have to be responsible for 2 rents? His exwife would have to pay her own rent.
Something is very wrong. You are 32 years old and I would hope you would want more for your life than to get involved with this situation. There may be more to this than you think. I don't think you are very realistic about this.
Believe me, stepfamilies are complicated enough, this would not be an ideal situation. How do you know that your boyfriend and his exwife aren't sleeping together?
Please think long and hard about becoming any further involved.

I happen to agree with what everyone has said here,in la la land everything dose seen great,but if i was u i would run as fast u can your 32 fine someone who can give u 110%of there time.

I think YOUR NUTTY!!! LOL I agree with all the above. I think this guy has the best of both worlds.
I know a woman who lives like this with her ex husband, and their children for the same reasons, but they sleep together on occasion, go out together when the mood strikes, PLUS date other people!! Like an open marriage without the marriage anymore.
Like the rest here, I don't understand why he would have to pay TWO rents, if he leaves it's nolonger HIS responsibility. Sounds like a load of crap to me. I'd run, and RUN FAST!!!

He is where he wants to be. One at home and one on the side! You need to ask yourself why you are feeling such low self esteem that you would accept such a situation with such relative calm. He would not have to pay 2 rents. He is feeding you a crock! He would have to pay child support and his ex would have to take on some of the responsibility of being a wage earner for her own needs. If some guy tried to feed me this bunk, he would be skidding on his hind end for about three miles once I kicked him to the curb!!!

My question to you is...Why do you think you need this relationship?

I am in a situation like this, but I am the one living with my ex. We have been broken up for almost 4 years. Our son was terribly upset when he found out that daddy was leaving, so we decided to live as room mates. We decided that we would be able to have our own lives outside of the house, but UNLESS we were in a serious relationship, under no circumstances was either of us to bring someone to the house. He hasnt been in any serious relationships, but sees people outside. I have been in a serious relationship for 3 years now. My ex and I realized that no matter what or who comes into our lives, our son is most important. He deserves to be put to sleep by BOTH of his parents at night and to sit at dinner with BOTH of us. And go to the park as a family. All children deserve that, though not too many get it. Jacob (our son) is 9 now. He does know, ofcourse, that we arent together anymore. BUT he also knows that we are living together because we love him dearly. The time will come soon when my ex and I will live separately as Jacob is older and understands alot more. Just remember, don't let your jealousy get in the way of families. Why should it be the norm to put children in the middle of bitter break-ups. I love my child way more than I hate my ex. And I commend my boyfriend for being with me in a situation like this. It takes a strong person to do that also.

responding to godey. yes, it would seem bizarre to be in a situation like this, bec in this world it is the NORM to be as spiteful and hateful toward your ex as possible WITHOUT thinking of your children. And as for the message being conveyed to his children...hopefully their children will grow up knowing that their parents sacrificed alot for their happiness. And yes,not being able to live as a couple with your new partner bec your childs happiness at this point means more than yours, is a sacrifice. and having to put up with your ex when you really dont want to, nor have to, is also a sacrifice. unless the true reason he is doing this is bec of sex, then it is not wrong at all, the only people reaping the rewards here are the children bec they have divorced parents but dont have to enjoy their time with them separetly.

You are 32 years old. Decision time if you want children of your own. I would recommend that you take off the rose colored glasses, and toss them in the trash. And then spend a long evening or two reading the step parent forum from beginning to end. When you have finished, read it again.

Now if you choose this man, with three children, in this situation, you will be choosing him with your eyes wide open, and your expectations more realistic. That way, if you choose this man to love and build a future with, you will also understand some of the issues that other step moms have faced down the road a bit, from where you are at today, wanting so much to believe it will be the happy fairytale you always dreamed of, with this home filled with kids.

I wish good things for you.

Y'all know this thread started in 2002?

Nice catch Sylvia! I actually overlooked that, somehow.

It would be interesting to hear if she is still with him (5 years later) and how it all turned out! Is she living the fairy tale she hoped, or is he still living with his ex, with her waiting in the wings for him to gather enough money to make a home with her?

I am in a similar situation except maybe a bit more complicated, who knows! I understand. Either way, you have to be understanding to all sides of the story, including that she is their mother and may not like you being a part of the children's lives like you want. But, if you and your man are going to make it work, eventually they will have to get to know you. As far as him...I understand that the way he is trying to deal with everything in his head is the right way (which it's not, but to him it is...for now), and you can't make him change. He needs to realize himself...that although it will be hard (more than hard or a bump in the road), that if it's you he wants to be with, he needs to focus on getting himself together as an individual and take a chance in not living with the children and realize he can have both, maybe not exactly how he wants...but it's a compromise. Basically, he has some things to figure out (and so do you). Will you always want to have to deal with his ex and everything that comes with her? Nomatter how much it seems like everything is in place, he is not...none of you are. It does take a toll on the children and I understand he wants to see them everyday and be in the same house and help financially, but where do each of you want to be next year...or say in 5 years? How long can this go on? I hope that it works out and soon. Believe me, I am not judging, just giving you things to think about that I know I have. I am only 23 but I feel I've been through quite a bit for my age. My man and I have been together off and on for 5 years, he is 33. Within those 5 years we have had other partners, he has gotten a divorce, had 3 children, I moved away and came back, and now he lives with his ex-wife...all the while she's known about me and wants me to have nothing to do with the children. Things have come a long way. We plan to get married and have children of our own and even move in soon, but with all the rollercoaster action in our past, we want to make sure everything is right before going to the next step. He is figuring out his life and so am I so we can become a union and bring God in our relationship.