I don't think prayers are going to motivate Ken to do what he should have done decades ago--grow up and support himself--but maybe they'll give you the strength you need to exercise some long-overdue tough love.

I'm sorry that you feel you have to tell us you're not a bad person.....do you really think anyone will believe that you are? You've gone above and beyond for your family for far too long. It's time you and Jim had some peace. It's not healthy to live the way you've been living.

You can be sure Ken's co-workers felt a lot of silent sympathy for you, probably mixed with some frustration because your plan of action is clear: Set a deadline and force him out. He'll try to make you feel guilty, but guilt is not appropriate. Turn a deaf ear to whatever he says. I know it's easier said than done, especially when your family patterns have been carved in stone all these years. But it really needs to be done.

I think all you can do at this point is kick him out of the house. That would require changing all the locks and possibly getting a restraining order. Gosh, that sounds so awful but you are clearly at the end of your rope and he is (has been!) making your life miserable. Give him a little warning and perhaps help in finding an apartment, then out he goes.

Oh Sandie, I have no idea what to tell you to do--just want to send you some prayers & hugs!

Donna (^_^)

I am sorry for your stress.
But,frankly I'd give him a time frame and then change the locks! You need to make a choice. Your own sanity or live and care for him.
You are responsible only for your own happiness, not his. He is an able bodied adult who needs to learn to care for himself.
I hope you find your solution. To me it seems simple. I realize though that to you it may not seem so easy.
You asked for help and prayers. You have my opinion and my prayers. I wish you well.

Since your family has enabled Ken all these years, I think it is time for some family counseling to get Ken out on his own. Maybe even Al-Anon could help you to see that Ken could survive on his own.
I am shocked at the stories I hear on the KT about families enabling men and then complaining that they won't move out, etc.
I had a friend whose DH's brother had always lived with mom and never worked but he played on a baseball league. Mom died when this fellow was in his 50s and his siblings put the family home up for sale. Amazingly, this fellow got a job and lived on his own after that.

Sandie, I'm so sorry. I think I'd do some research on low income apartments in the area then help him get into one. As long as you allow him to do as he is doing.. he will continue.

Oh Sandie, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this in addition to your other troubles. I would give him a deadline and ask him if he would like help finding a new place to live. If he does not then change the locks and put him out. You have to fight for your own life and that of your husband. Good Luck, honey.

I don't have any advice, but I can offer my support and caring thoughts for you at this time.

I don't quite understand this, is he mentally or physically disabled and this caused your parents and you to feel obligated to take care of him?

Give your brother the phone book - tell him to contact social services for help and give him a deadline to find a place for himself with the understanding he is OUT of your home by that date. Let him know he has overstayed his welcome and is taking advantage of the whole situation. You need no excuses to exercise your right to your home. You are not responsible for your brother.

And, get yourself some help as well - you may need counseling to move forward. Talk to your family doctor at the very least - they may be able to suggest a service or refer you to someone to get help.

You need to take action.

Good luck with this. I pray you can find the inner strength to follow through with this.

I was thinking the same as Petra.

Sandie, you and Jim have never had a life on your own, together, and it's time. Like Lydia said, see if a cheap apartment is available. You could both go together, and help him get it set up. Freecyle is wonderful for furniture, dishes, etc!

You need your space and peace of mind. You and Jim aren't getting any younger, and you both have had serious health issues, and you don't need the stress any more.

I hope a viable solution is found soon, Sandie. My thoughts are with you.

Sandie,you and Jim have done more than your fair share with your brother.He's a grown man and you need to treat him as such,and not ENABLE him anymore.

You need to give tough love now,give him a time frame,30 days,OR just tell him you've had enough and throw his butt out now.I know it sounds harsh,but it can make him growup,which is what he needs to do and give you and DH the peace you deserve.

We dealt with a GS,who thought he was going to take advantage of us,playing video games,smoking pot,not working etc.Finally DH said enough.He made him be up and out of the house everyday by 8am supposedly looking for work,and he couldn't come back until after 5pm.When that didn't work,we finally put him out.He said he didn't care,that he'd stay with friends,we told him his friends parents weren't any different than us,and he found that out the hard way.

He lived on the streets for 3 mos.Sure we felt bad,and i would buy him burger king,mickey d's gift card,but wouldn't give him any money.

Finally he was walking by our house one day while we were working in the yard,stopped and talked,and asked if he could take a shower.He looked bad,dirty,unkept,feet were blistered from keeping his shoes and socks on 24/7.

To make a long story short,we let him come onto the porch and we talked with him,to see if he had learned any lessons living like that.He had.so we let him in to shower,let him fix himself something to eat,and let him have his room back.We didn't change our rules,but he changed his way of life ,got a job and continued to stay here,take care of himself,and his belongings,cleanup after himself etc.He was 22 at the time.he's now 29 and lives in N.Ca with his GF and their son,and is a great father and partner.

Would he be like that now if we had let him have his way,I think NOT!!!

It all turned out well for us,we talk to them several times a week.They are doing a great job in raising their son now.

OK off my soapbox now!!

Take care of Jim and yourself now,and do what you have to to get your brother out of the house,you deserve some peace!!
Kathi

Kick him to the curb girlfriend, and don't feel guilty. It's way past due.

I suggest you look for senior living or assisted living like Lydia mentioned. It is mostly for older people but here there is a younger bunch on SS that live there. Just small one or two bedroom apts. and it is based on income.

Ours even has a dining facility and recreation area. Sounds to me that's where he needs to be.

Good luck and I'll say a prayer for ya'll

Thank you for telling me what I know should have happened long ago. My sister and brother-in-law are both lawyers.We haven't wanted to upset Diane right now because of her health.But, we are going to ask Bob to help us get him out of here.Like I said, I don't want them to take them, I just want to know how to get him out.When Ken was in the hospital back in March because of taking to many pain pills, I asked the nurse case worker how I could get him out. She told me that because he was a relative and that I had let him move in, the only way to get him out was to take him to court. That doesn't seem right, and because of mine and Jim's health issues, I didn't go further.You asked me if he had mental or physical issues that would make him encapable to take care of himself. He somehow graduated from HS, has held jobs, only ones that Jim or my Dad got for him, and is not so much in pain from his back that he can't work. Sears let him go because he told them that he could only come back to work if he could work for two hours and be able to sit for 20 minutes when he needed to. The disability that he is getting is from insurance that he is payin #179. a month. It is not Government disability.As far as mental, he is really a filthy person.He doesn't shower, my children came over and tore up the carpet in his room, and painted his room purple, what he wanted. And his room is filthy already.I put his microwave and toaster oven on the porch because it is filthy and I don't want it in my house.Shortly after he moved in,I found bugs in the house so made him pay for an exterminator. He pays that every month.Sorry for venting, but that is about all I have done since he has been making our life even more miserable lately. He told me he is perfectly happy here, isn't leaving, and I can't make him leave. New Years resolution. He will leave here. We have looked into HUD houses, but they do inspections and you have to keep the place clean. So, if he doesn't and once he is out, he is not coming back. My Jim use to be a locksmith and this will be one happy job for him Thanks again, for listening.

Love your New Year's Resolution: "He will leave here." Keep that thought, Sandie. You definitely deserve a life of your own. Gee--you'll feel like you are on vacation! Seriously, I'm sorry that you have gotten into this discouraging situation and sincerely wish you success in launching Ken on a life of his own. Be determined! Keep that resolution!

If he can't afford an apartment look for a room for him to rent. That's what I did for a friend who was staying with me and overstayed his welcome. Your goal is to get him out - even if you have to pay the first weeks rent and security. Once he is out of your house he is no longer your problem. Good luck!!

((((( Sandie )))))

I agree with Socks 110%
Kathi

(((((Sandie and DH))))))

Are you renting or do you own? If you are renting... then move and just don't tell him where you are going... let him stay there...

Otherwise, I really don't have any advice, except I will lift you and Jim up to the Lord in prayer...

Just sending hugs for making the right decision and stick to it, but if you feel threatened make sure you notify law enforcement and if you have to sell and move, ask your kids and other relatives to give you the support you need.

It often depends on landlord/tenant laws as to how easy it is to get rid of someone who doesn't want to leave. That hospital social worker may have been correct.

There was a letter in a Q&A real estate column in a local newspaper not long ago. Seems as though a guy felt sorry for his buddy & let him live rent-free in his home, then couldn't get rid of him & wanted the attorney running the column to tell him what he could legally do. The answer was he had to go through the long eviction proess just as if his deadbeat buddy was a paying tenant who refused to leave.

No Good Deed goes unpunished...

Makes me glad I'm an only child. Seriously, I could not have put up with what you have for a week let on a lifetime. Give him a deadline and change the locks and put his stuff at the curb. Tough love.