I don't doubt he could abuse drugs and never get caught. It happens. Some CPS workers are more liberal than others.. Some cops are more liberal than others... and same with family court Judges. We have a therapist that believes SD10 should be seeing her mom on supervised visits only because of emotional abuse, yet he is not willing to say so in court. He doesn't want to be involved in court proceedings. We had a Judge that heard testimony on BM bringing BF's to sleep with her in the same room she shared with her daughters.. and from what SD acted out with her barbie dolls (in sexual positions) and told us about what she saw... the court did not think that was enough to give BM less custody than DH. I have had cops tell me that CPS ruins families when I asked them to check the welfare of my 10mo old DGS. I have had CPS see the bruises on DGS and tell me that unless they see the mother high with the child, they can do nothing... babies get bruises. It is very difficult, not impossible depending on WHO the players are, to get supervised visitation or to take away a parent's visitation or rights altogether. You pretty much have to go back to court repeatedly, with the same Judge and prove these things are going on and hope that eventually the court will take your side. I have seen it go the other way... a parent bringing multiple actions to say things are going on, only to have the Judge admonish the parent for dragging the other parent back to court over and over. A good attorney is a must. There are attorneys that will take a case pro bono or at a reduced fee if they believe one side is at a disadvantage because of financial position and they believe it's in the best interest of the children to be with that parent. Men have Father's rights groups, Mothers have domestic violence & family services groups. One thing I have learned (and always work on practicing because it is HARD), is to let go. Many times, these battles are about control, power & let's not forget about MONEY, not about the kids. The more you battle in the name of the kids, the worse it gets. When it's not fun anymore (or when there is no 'rush' from the fight), the other side will eventually go away and leave you alone... if they are just in it for the battle. I stopped fighting when my son was 12... his dad vanished into the woodwork. I have never heard from him again. After my son turned 18, they have seen each other & spoken, but I have nothing to do with it. I removed myself from the situation. The more we ignore SD's mom, she has had less to do with us... she's still damaging her daughter, but there isn't a battle with us anymore. She still tries.. does things that if WE did them, she would go ballistic, but we shrug & say see ya next time... and go on our merry way. Now, I am working on doing the same with my DIL... as she calls me every name in the book... as she brings DGS back to me with red marks that 'could' be signs of abuse.. or everyday marks babies get.. and she likes to imply he hurt himself by telling me he tried to drown himself or he's depressed/bipolar. I have good reason to believe she is abusing him & she is mentally ill.. but it is still going to be an uphill battle to prove it in court & the last thing I am willing to do is allow myself to get sucked into a battle of wills with her. I document things. I don't confront her, she just denies it. I notify the proper authorities to document what I believe is going on... if they do nothing, at least it's documented. That's all you can do. He is their father and they know better than anyone what their father is about... the time will come when nobody can force them to go. Emotional abuse is horrible, I see it in my SD10 and she lives with us. Her mother makes it impossible for her to live a happy life here, all because she doesn't want to pay support. In time, she will decide for herself. We don't like to let her go because we know the things her mother puts in her head but we have to, it's the law.

I have some ideas that help me keep in touch with kids that were close to my little girl. Always take alot of pictures when together. Take professional & alot yourself. Those will be fun memories for her to look at. Make scrapbooks of your family & send her some fun scrapbooking material like stickers, stamps, fun scissors, & paper. I have my boys hold up signs & take pictures. Can you & DH hold up an "I love you" sign & mail to her? Do you have a webcam? Sometimes Webcams can be fun. Do you know her interests? Some girls love to receive flowers at school. I just sent one girl flowers(favorite color) & balloons. I think it makes them feel special. Find out if her school has a memory book. Parents can write a poem for their kids. Does she have email or myspace? Does she like Neopets or anything like that. You can get her an account & you both get pets & take care of them. Find something of interest for the both of you & mention it to her. That might give you something to talk about on the phone. Try emailing first & finding her interests. Oh yeah...kids love things that are in & Hannah Montana is in for little girls. How about a pillowcase with Dads picture on it, & an "I Love You". A Build a Bear with a special message you both have recorded. Also, if you ever get the opportunity, say real nice things about the BM. Even if you can't stand her. Think of anything positive to say, and say it. "Oh your mom is pretty & you got her...hair, eyes etc. If I were you, I would try real hard to help the relationship DH has with her. I think that was my job as the SM & my obligation as the BM to do that for my children. I think many moms are very special and talented that way(some aren't). I feel for you being long distance & for her. It's a tough situation to be in & it's not fair to the little girl, BM, you, or BF. I think the custodial parent has alot of influence in those situations. If she's not selfish she will nurture a good relationship between her little girl & you & Dad. If she's selfish & doesn't like you, good luck...as the little girl will probably not like you either. My little girl was young so I definetly influenced the relationship the best I could. I gave my daughter $50.00 of the child support each month saying it was from her Dad & she could spend it on herself, donate, or relatives. We chose Dad cards on holidays. Called several times during week(slow times). She had his picture hanging up in the bedroom which I framed. I really believe in the long distance situation the custodial parent can make it work or break it & the noncustodial deals with the outcome of the circumstances.

Well Kathline, when you say "things people have complained about on here" and mention the 'ice cream for breakfast' which was clearly something I complained about, I'm not just taking a vague comment personal, unless there were others here that complained about ice cream for breakfast. and of course when you put it the way you did,(like that was the issue), I wanted to make it clear that it was not the issue. It's not hard to decipher that the reason she was throwing up when she told us she ate as much as she wanted (we asked if mom put it in a bowl and she said said mom was still in bed and she ate from the carton with a spoon. She told us that she felt sick the rest of the day and wouldn't eat any dinner. She had also made herself a tuna sandwich without draining the tuna. She said she only ate a few bites because it made her feel more sick. When she threw up, it looked like melted chocolate ice cream. Yes, I can say stomach flu. I've had it and so has she. It wasn't stomach flu. Nobody sent BM any nasty emails. DH sent her an email asking her what was going on because SD told him 'her side' and he wanted to get BM's side. She blew up and told him it's none of his business what she does in her house. Normally, we both agree with that. He doesn't call/email her when she lets SD stay up all night playing video games or watching movies. He doesn't call/email her when BM lets her watch R rated movies, He doesn't call/email her when she feeds her whatever she wants. He doesn't call/email her when SD doesn't take a shower/bath or brush her teeth all weekend because it won't kill her to miss a day or two. He has emailed her over issues he felt were serious enough... 1. She let her BF's kids sleep on the bed with her daughter the very first time they were all in the same house. 2. She was telling her daughter that she was moving over to her house after Christmas and the daughter was telling everyone at her school she was moving when she wasn't. BM hadn't even discussed it with him. 3. DH let her know (after letting it go twice) that she can't keep picking up their daughter early from school for no reason other than she wants to. 4. and he told her that SD got sick from the ice cream and suggested that SD should be supervised in the kitchen so she won't get sick. (Besides the fact that SD has issues with food) and yes, BM complained that I gave her daughter peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in her school lunch and oatmeal for breakfast. She said I was being abusive. Nobody has ever told BM she was being abusive in any way. We may think it's inappropriate and borders on neglect but that wasn't said to her. In fact, what I did say to her when she accused me of abusing her daughter is that a concerned mother that thought her child was being abused for 'weeks' like she said, would have called CPS or the authorities and not wait until my husband tells her she can't pick up her daughter from school early to start making those sort of accusations. I guess if you want to say that telling her that is being nasty, then I guess I'm guilty. I used the CPS word and that's the context in which I used it, I didn't threaten to call CPS on her, I told her she should call on me if she thinks I'm abusing her child. (my husband did tell her one time that if she isn't going to respond to any of his concerns, he'd have it investigated to make sure his daughter is safe) Oh yeah, and my husband did email her about SD saying she rode on the cardboard tied to the back of BM's truck and about discussing the child support issue with their daughter. Nobody can change someone else and I don't think I have ever thought I could. However, I do believe in debating one's point and through explaining philosophies or reasoning, it can change other's points of view. My point of view has been changed on some issues from what others have posted here, where a point was brought up that I may not have thought about before. Isn't that what a forum like this is for? Isn't this forum here to vent? Get advice? Share? I believe in the beginning, I wrote this is more of a vent, as I know that nobody can stop BM from what she says. and you are entitled to your opinion that I am WAY too involved in what goes on at BM's house. The fact is, I'm more concerned about what goes on at MY house. I'm WAY more concerned about how my SD feels about the whole situation and her difficulty in dealing with it. When BM cancels a weekend to go coach her BF's kid's baseball team, or when she says she can't pick her up from school like she's supposed to and wants to pick her up at our house, and then comes later than she says, it affects me because we usually make plans ahead of time and now we are left to 1. explain to SD that her mom can't make it or is going to be late, which always is met with crying and her being upset. BM won't do her own dirty work. She just doesn't show up and we are left to explain. 2. if we have plans, we have to change them to include SD and occasionally, it's a problem. Especially if we have tickets or reservations somewhere. She's ruined our plans many times and upset/disappointed her daughter more times than I can count. I don't take everything as a criticism that I respond to and I don't think I get defensive. Perhaps it sounds that way or can be interpreted that way, but I don't think I have anything to be defensive about. I may have an opinion or if I feel something I said is taken out of context, I will try to explain my position better. As for my dealings with BM, I don't deal with her, my husband does. I didn't have a child with her, he did.

Growing up together means knowing each other since childhood, regardless of where anyone lived. It is much different than becoming stepsiblings as teens. I am sure that is is possible for DS15 and SD16 to have undesirable feelings toward each other since they just met 3 years ago. They get along like gangbusters, ususally. They each dislike the other's BP, so this gives them something in common! (I know for a fact that SD16 has her eyes on older and faster boys-not to mention boys of a different ethnic background; and DS15 likes much calmer, quieter and sweeter girls... but I digress.) It is how they would act upon those feelings that would be distressing to me and DH. If two kids have known each other since they were 5 and 10 years old, call each other brother or sister, and each of them has age-appropriate girls/boys to be interested in, how can anyone think they are any more likely to be attracted to each other? I think I know the answer: This is all a sick mind projecting its own thoughts onto normal peoples' situations. Grow up.