I'm so sorry to hear your problems...How old are your kids?

Wow. I am terribly sorry for all your kids and you are going through.

How old are your kids? At some point, the courts should listen to what they say. Has a guardian ad litem (GAL) been appointed? What does he/she say?

Is there anyone else who could testify on behalf of your kids? Teachers? Parents of friends? Family members?

I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I have found the court system to be insanely frustrating and it does seem parents have to really hurt their kids before someone will listen. :(

My SS's mother drinks excessively and last April, she was too drunk to get her son (my SS) off the school bus. I got him and she showed up at our home and tried to take him. She actually had him in the car with her, etc. and I had to call 911, after begging/pleading with her to not drive with him. She still had the presence of mind to take the keys out of the ignition and throw them out of the car (that way the cops couldn't prove she was trying to drive) before assaulting me.

Get this---even with her attempting to do that, NOTHING changed with her custody, except she is "not allowed to drink while with her son." woohoo. For the courts to do more, she would have had to have actually been CAUGHT driving with her son. Never mind that she was totally trashed when the police arrived, and they took her away in a police car---because they couldn't PROVE that she was going to endanger her son by driving drunk with him, the courts couldn't really do much of anything custody-wise.

I have also found that these things are won not so much in one big war but in little victories along the way. We've made strides in court with her over the years---first, my DH was granted residential custody, then we got the order prohibiting her from drinking during her custody periods, etc. Little by little.

My advice is to keep fighting for your children, keep plugging away! hopefily some of the other posters will have better ideas for you.

BS is 7 and BD is 12.
We found a counselor who will testify in court. DH always blocks kids from testifying because he knows they will tell the truth. His family is like the mafia. Everyone lies and conceals the other. His Parents are 70, he and his brother are 42 and 50, and the sister is 55. All live in two houses together. They also have three of the great grand kids. Took custody. They have tried to take mine but I am squecky clean.
This court harassment has financially destroyed us.

Im sorry that you have such problems too. It's a nightmare. Im a good honest and hardworking mom. I love my kids. Dont hit or yell. Kids tell teacher they are afraid of my ex and dont want to see them. CPS has been called and they told them that they dont want to see him. Cops come and the same. But until he hits them he gets to have them.
He loves the power and control. He's sick.
The good part and what matters is that my kids love me and they are crazy about my husband. I picked a winner. This time.
My ex is more into hurting and abusing me than in caring for the kids. Its such a pathetic thing. Hopefully this counselor will speak and the courts will listen. The counselor is just as disturbed by what the kids say.
The anger and hatred these kids have towards my ex is deep.
He says I made them hate him. But i know with a clear conscious I did not. They are smart kids. They know when you abuse them and then buy a gift it doesnt make it all better.
Both kids are acting out and having anger issues. My BD will get physically ill before a visit and my son will cling to me and want to sleep in my room before a visit. When they come home its just tears and anger.
Christmas break he cussed and my daughter and called her slutty. The damage he's doing is horrific.

We are giving it one more year and then we are considering moving out of state to reduce visits further. Just dont know what else to do.
Kids are in fear of his tirades and outbursts. It's so unfair

There may be hope with the counselor coming in to speak for the kids. In my state injury abuse does not only include a hit/strike type it can also include mental anguish which is a psycological injury. With vomiting and panic attacks (get them documented by your Dr) could be your turning point. If you can proof physical, maybe you can stress the mental through their counselor, dr. witnesses.

Poor little tykes, I'm so sorry they're going through this.

Where do you do exchanges? your home? you drop them off?

you pick them or does he drop them off? who did the supervised visits what is their opinion?

underhanded if he is high when he comes to get them call the police and say you suspect something!

One thing I have to ask ... do you say things like I'll miss you so much while you are with daddy?

Do you hinder his relationship with his children?

Sorry for the rude questions but I have been on the other end of this scenario .... mom trying to prove she was the better parent: saying dad was on drugs, family rich, paid off court officials, calling cps all while she was the one abusing/neglecting the kids(This is what my SC
s BM was doing), cops, courts and counselors to prove it ...

if he is drug user and does it in front of the kids, you can prove it calling the police. also when they call from dad's house and say that dad is being abusive or is high, you call CPS or police. why are they allowed there if he is high? I doubt courts would force children to visit if he is actively using illegal drugs. or he doesn't when they are there?

First the issue of drugs. X is on oxy codone and xanax and ambian. He has prescriptions for all. He doc shops and refills empty script with street bought oxy.
When lawyer tried to get exstensive testing to show drug levels were abusive his lawyer blocked the test. Regular drug tests shows the drugs in system but scripts cover him.
CPS and cops say the same, no hit no crime. So kids are screamed and cussed at with four adults in house acting as if it's just dandy.
Kids are exchanged in public. I have had police standbys to protect kids from the outbursts. They are very afraid of him. He will get very loud and dramatic and it scares the kids.
I have been divorced 5 years. I have another daughter who has a great dad and the relationship is wonderful. We communicate respectfully and we work around her to meet her needs first. Never had any disagreements other than he had to work and so did i and who was gonna be able to watch her, then usually his new wife would volunteer. She's a great step mom. I am capable of healthy relationships. I am not unreasonable or controlling. I love my kids more than I hate my ex. Problem is ex. He's a controlling druggie who's protected by his parents.
I have never blocked a relationship, cus I saw how positive it was for my older kid to be close to her dad. I love it.

My kids are the one's asking to not have to go. Begging. They cry and get upset when a visit is coming. It's awful. The stress is overwhelming.

If you don't show up for the exchange what would happen?

He would send the cops to your home to get the kids? Can't they refuse??? would a cops drag them kicking and screaming to the car to go off with dad?

You say you got married in Oct was he like this before oct? or just recent?

Should he even be driving while on those meds?

Can you ask the courts for help ? temp court order not having to go ?

I didn't mean to put you on the defensive ... like I said other end of this scenario.....

If DD called dad a couple days ahead and said she didn't want to go what would he do?

If you don't show up for the exchange what would happen?
I am sued and charged with contempt of court and his lawyer asks that I be jailed.

He would send the cops to your home to get the kids? Can't they refuse??? would a cops drag them kicking and screaming to the car to go off with dad?
He has never sent a cop to get them. I have only been brave enuf to deny him twice in five years. And I was sued.
You say you got married in Oct was he like this before oct? or just recent?
He's always been like this he's just stepped it up since the marriage. Calling my ex names and insulting him. Kids are angry about it but too scared to defend us. Dont expect them to. They just try and make peace and stay quiet. He accuses them of loving their step dad like its a bad thing. So they wont hug step dad bye during exchanges because of repruccusions by ex screeching at them. But hubby understands and doesnt take it personnal. Kids and him are great together. Ex cant deal with it. He's jealous and he knows he's been a poor father and now that new hubby is around he sees how much the kids love him and he realizes where he screwed up. But he's to immature and coddled to do better, just scream and gripe about it.

Should he even be driving while on those meds? His father drives to and from everytime.

Can you ask the courts for help ? temp court order not having to go ? I have to wait till he does something physical becasue I tried to get one and I didnt have enough proof.

I didn't mean to put you on the defensive ... like I said other end of this scenario.....
No I got ya, I know there are two sides to every story. Im on this forum hoping to gleen some advice on how to protect my kids and respect their wishes and best intrest.

If DD called dad a couple days ahead and said she didn't want to go what would he do? She has done that. He tells her she has no choice and has to go. It is his visitation and she has to go. The daughter is the one who is mostly abused. She takes the brunt of most. She's not liked by any of them but I am afraid to send son without sister because she is the only one on son's side. She cooks for him when dad wont wake, she takes care of him.

Is there a womens center near you ... going to give you what BM used to prove her side :) She is non-custodial (NC).

They offered counseling, lawyers, referrals for abuse victims etc.

Try the Domestic abuse route ...

This will be a long process it won't happen overnight keep a log have your kids write in a journal just to get it out ....

Others will have more advice for you ... good luck.

pinkhill,

First I am sorry for your troubles. Second, it seems to me that Child Protective Services can and should do more. Where I live, just accusations of drug abuse is enough for them to intercede. They would interview the kids, send them to a psychologist/therapist and review what's happening. Even an expensive attorney can't stop them in the beginning. Of course, they might also question your role in all of this as well.

You sound very stressed and somewhat intimidated by your ex-husband's attorney and family. You are not without resources. So what if your ex's attorney comes after you? Let him !!! If all of that is happening to your kids, let them pursue all of this in court while you protect your kids. I would NEVER just turn my kid over in the face of what you've described.

Also, bring the school in to it. If it's a public school then they will have a school psychologist that your kids can see for free to help to deal with this. And, if it looks like there is all of this abuse going on, the school can and will also get involved. Just be prepared that neither the school or Child Protective Services will just take your word on things. Your word, combined with the kids, will be enough to get the ball rolling however.

You are going to need to calm down and take the initiative to protect your kids. If what you say is so, your ex, his attorney and family be d___med until he gets his act together.

is it possible that dad just takes legitimate drugs as precsribed? I have hard time believing that dad is intoxicated up to the point of not being able to drive and still children are there and authorities do nothing. Schools more certainly will get involved, at least CPS will be called or even police. I do not understand how he gets unsupervised visitations and he is that intoxicated. If he buys something illegal off the street tests would show that. And I agree with lamom, school psychologist and a counselor most certainly will get involved. Also if children are that distraught and terrified of their father how is it judge insists they go there?

I don't doubt he could abuse drugs and never get caught. It happens. Some CPS workers are more liberal than others.. Some cops are more liberal than others... and same with family court Judges.

We have a therapist that believes SD10 should be seeing her mom on supervised visits only because of emotional abuse, yet he is not willing to say so in court. He doesn't want to be involved in court proceedings. We had a Judge that heard testimony on BM bringing BF's to sleep with her in the same room she shared with her daughters.. and from what SD acted out with her barbie dolls (in sexual positions) and told us about what she saw... the court did not think that was enough to give BM less custody than DH. I have had cops tell me that CPS ruins families when I asked them to check the welfare of my 10mo old DGS. I have had CPS see the bruises on DGS and tell me that unless they see the mother high with the child, they can do nothing... babies get bruises.

It is very difficult, not impossible depending on WHO the players are, to get supervised visitation or to take away a parent's visitation or rights altogether. You pretty much have to go back to court repeatedly, with the same Judge and prove these things are going on and hope that eventually the court will take your side. I have seen it go the other way... a parent bringing multiple actions to say things are going on, only to have the Judge admonish the parent for dragging the other parent back to court over and over. A good attorney is a must. There are attorneys that will take a case pro bono or at a reduced fee if they believe one side is at a disadvantage because of financial position and they believe it's in the best interest of the children to be with that parent. Men have Father's rights groups, Mothers have domestic violence & family services groups.

One thing I have learned (and always work on practicing because it is HARD), is to let go. Many times, these battles are about control, power & let's not forget about MONEY, not about the kids. The more you battle in the name of the kids, the worse it gets. When it's not fun anymore (or when there is no 'rush' from the fight), the other side will eventually go away and leave you alone... if they are just in it for the battle. I stopped fighting when my son was 12... his dad vanished into the woodwork. I have never heard from him again. After my son turned 18, they have seen each other & spoken, but I have nothing to do with it. I removed myself from the situation. The more we ignore SD's mom, she has had less to do with us... she's still damaging her daughter, but there isn't a battle with us anymore. She still tries.. does things that if WE did them, she would go ballistic, but we shrug & say see ya next time... and go on our merry way. Now, I am working on doing the same with my DIL... as she calls me every name in the book... as she brings DGS back to me with red marks that 'could' be signs of abuse.. or everyday marks babies get.. and she likes to imply he hurt himself by telling me he tried to drown himself or he's depressed/bipolar. I have good reason to believe she is abusing him & she is mentally ill.. but it is still going to be an uphill battle to prove it in court & the last thing I am willing to do is allow myself to get sucked into a battle of wills with her. I document things. I don't confront her, she just denies it. I notify the proper authorities to document what I believe is going on... if they do nothing, at least it's documented. That's all you can do. He is their father and they know better than anyone what their father is about... the time will come when nobody can force them to go. Emotional abuse is horrible, I see it in my SD10 and she lives with us. Her mother makes it impossible for her to live a happy life here, all because she doesn't want to pay support. In time, she will decide for herself. We don't like to let her go because we know the things her mother puts in her head but we have to, it's the law.

We are going to continue to persue counseling. I document with CPS as often as feels reasonable. I have had both children speak with school counselors, but all they say is son has anger issues with dad. And daughter has anxiety over dad.
We have and will continue to document. Teach kids how to protect themselves. Pack food and toothbrushes that are never returned. By phone after cell phone so they can call 911 if needed.
And Texas CPS does not do anything unless there is physical violence. Neither will police.

I am bullied and emotionally and financially raped by a narcissitic jerk who wants to destroy me for having the nerve to demand he be sober or leave. The only way he can hurt me is through the kids. So I am starting to realize the best way to stop his drama is to ignore it. No contact except through legal actions. Let him stew. I have been so vehmenant to protect and defend my kids that he is feeding off the energy. So, now I simply report, document and educate my kids. Get them counseling to deal with him and help them understand that they are good and important people no matter what their sperm donor with a bloated self worth and no life has to say about them.
I have cut off all communication, he calls the house phone and the kids are free to answer when they choose. It's worked well. Kids seem more relaxed as do I. We are choosing to have our lives free of his drama. Police are present at exchanges and kids feel safer.
I have always been dumb to try and speak to him as I would any other normal adult. I have learned to be the snake.
Kids tell me there are rats in his house, I simply call CPS and report. Tell kids to be careful and use toothbrushes and food I send with them. Before I would of called Dad and asked him to please do something about infestation. Now CPS can tell him to clean up his filthy house.

Trying to be a fair and kind person works with adults, not with narcissitic 40 something children.
I apologize for the rant. But I cant find help or protection for my children. Just same old crap. Document, which by the way Texas judges wouldn't even look at my calenders or hospital records. I still hope that someone will help and stop this insanity, but I have to live with some peace. My husband and I use a code word for when either of us begin to rant about the ex's latest abuse. And its a kind reminder to let it go. We are not going to stop him, we can only report and protect the kids by giving them counseling.

..."I have always been dumb to try and speak to him as I would any other normal adult. I have learned to be the snake...."

I too have been learning this. I keep reverting, and then getting reminders that I am not dealing with someone who is emotionally/mentally capable of having an adult exchange. I can't offer anything but empathy for your situation.

"is it possible that dad just takes legitimate drugs as precsribed? I have hard time believing that dad is intoxicated up to the point of not being able to drive and still children are there and authorities do nothing. "

Sadly, I don't have any trouble believing Dad's "functioning" at a certain level while addicted. My StepSon may be addicted to some of these same drugs, and while he's having huge problems, there's just no way a court would deem him incompetent unless they saw him behaving irrationally -- which only happens sometimes. If he knew he had a court appearance, he'd take just enough to get by and seem calm and rational. So no proof without that drug test...

Has a Guardian ad Litem (sp?) ever been appointed for the kids? That might be a great resource if you can make that happen -- ask your lawyer. There's a poster here who eventually got full custody because of the GaL's input. GaL's are great at listening to the kids and at discerning genuine 'I don't want to go there' terror from 'Mommy hates him' BS-induced faux-terror. Especially if you behave yourself and don't pull any dramatic stunts.

"One thing I have learned (and always work on practicing because it is HARD), is to let go. Many times, these battles are about control, power & let's not forget about MONEY, not about the kids. The more you battle in the name of the kids, the worse it gets."

That's very sound advice from Ima, IMO. My Ex was a control freak diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and he pulled some nasty psycho stuff on our son. And when I fought him, the nasty stuff intensified. But he also had the best divorce lawyer money could buy and could present himself well in court. He couldn't fool the therapists, though -- but even they said I probably couldn't win in court because he wasn't quite bad enough and I'd never get the kind of proof I'd need to show the harm. So eventually, I gave in and DS moved in with Dad. Once he 'won', the seige ended. And thanks to a really decent StepMom, the damage to DS has been minimal.

In case you're wondering -- Yes, I did write the above before reading your last post. I'm not at all surprised that your Ex is a narcissist. From what you've said, it's a perfect fit. And it seems you've already realized the wisdom of disengaging. (It really helps!) And also of having to be sneaky... Sad, but it's the only thing that ever worked with my Ex. (Even his wife agreed! We'd get together, agree on a course of action we considered best for DS, then *both* manipulate Dad into agreeing.) Freaky! And SO not who I am. But you gotta do what you gotta do...

Since you know what the problems are that your Ex is dealing with, have you considered having frank and honest discussions with the kids about those problems? Maybe Alanon or Narcanon for the drug issues, and some frank conversations about narcissism? It's hard, but it seemed to really help insulate my son from his father's most irrational actions.