So happy for you judithn...took me back to when my kids were in college in our city, but living on campus. Sounds like a great conversation, and something she needed to hear, and you were able to do it in such a way that she really listened, and matured enough to apologize. You obviously have a great daughter, there, and now you have practice for when your son leaves home...heh heh!! We Moms have to support one another...our kids are in their early 40's, so a lot of this type of thing is behind us, but there are always things to work out. We do have very thoughtful children now...they just weren't so much at your daughter's age!!

I am so sorry to hear your story. I'll make my opinion short since time is of the essense here and you need to make a decision.... It sounds like your son has some mental illness symptoms. So don't take it personally. Yelling at someone full in the face is NOT OK. After sweeby checks in, she'll have a better explanation. I would ask your DD if he is coming. If he is, you get to decide if you are comfortable going. If yes, then better be prepared to exit when and if he acts out. Find out where there are restaurants open nearby so you and DH can at least get something to eat. Make sure DH is on board with you and does not leave your side. When the drama begins, simple stand up and say, with a smile, 'thanks, but we are leaving now'. Be polite and keep your mouth shut. Don't engage or let yourself get baited into something (it took me a long time to learn that skill). I advise you to get into counseling to learn more about his behavior and how to handle it. You might even learn something about yourself? BEST wishes and good luck!

Popi, I strongly believe that self esteem comes (ONLY) from a true sense of accomplishment. When we see ourselves do something positive - especially if we were not sure we could - our self esteem grows. It is not something we can "give" our children; they have to earn it for themselves. All the "good job!" comments we make won't do it if the child knows he/she really didn't make an honest effort and achieve. Of course homeless people suffer from low self esteem! Generally speaking, they are living with the fact that (for whatever reason) they have failed to provide basic necessities for themselves. Somehow our minds don't give us points for "well, I tried" or "I wouldn't be in this mess if they hadn't downsized". It is accomplishment or nothing. (Some people whose failure can be blamed on something or someone else may develop a more belligerent attitude than the typical, hopeless, depressed one we associate with low self esteem but it is all the same underneath. And I believe that a lot of those who appear to be egotistical or full of themselves are just covering up low self esteem. Just my opinion.) As parents I think we should praise real effort but not everything they do. Adding undeserved praise to halfhearted effort only adds guilt to poor self esteem. And sooner or later they get the idea that we are either too stupid or too uninterested to really know what they are up to. Our praise can be used to direct the child to challenges that will really contribute to his/her sense of pride and accomplishment. But if it is constant and not differentiated the child will soon discount it as false and worthless. We should find ways to allow our children to do things for themselves and to stand on their own feet. We should not be so quick to provide everything or to spare them the consequences of their actions. Going through rough patches and coming out the other side can do wonders for a shaky kid. When we are too fast with "help" we are actually telling the child that we have no confidence in his/her ability to meet the challenge. Moonie, I think the way you are handling this situation has enormous potential in this regard. You are letting your son do it himself. He can get a lot more from that than from a handout from you. Be sure to acknowledge his efforts - those with really low self esteem sometimes fail to notice that they really have done well (feeling like a failure is self perpetuating).

I'm a stepmom of 2 kids... an 11-year old boy and a 14-year old girl... who live with my husband and I about 80% of the time. I have to say that I'm blessed - they are kind, loving and very respectful kids who have always treated me well. Even given that, I have to admit that I STILL find being a stepmom very challenging. I think like most stepmoms, I came into this situation with the desire to create a happy, harmonious environment for me and the man I married and his children. I still do. I care about these kids, and I want them to be happy and set up to have a successful life, emotionally and in every other way. But over time... again, even though my stepkids are such good kids... I have STILL found myself surprised at the amount of resentment (and sometimes even anger) that has built up in me. It's the result of a few factors I think. A big one for me is that I resent the fact that their own mother doesn't do more. I shared with my husband a few months back that he and his ex need to split the driving duties and other parenting responsibilities 50/50, while I only help out occasionally, versus me doing 70% of all of the pickups and drop offs for school and other activities. (Just because I work from home and have a flexible work schedule doesn't mean that I'm an on-call chauffeur for the kids.) Another big one is that my husband is happy to have his kids around all the time (of course, he's their dad!) while I really need time away from them where it's just the two of us. No matter how nicely I may share with my lovely husband that I need more time with him (i.e. on the third week in a row that their mom wants us to take them during the weekend when she is supposed to have them) on some level he'll always hear it like I am rejecting his children. This has caused major friction in our marriage. His children, their mom's lack of care for them and him making me feel like I need to fill the gap (or I'm not being supportive) is really the only thing we fight about. Before you call me evil, let me explain: So much of being a stepmom is holding your tongue. I really care about the emotional well being of my stepkids, and I don't ever want to say or do anything that may cause them pain or make them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in my home. I'm not a jerk or anything, I'm a pretty kind person I think. But the amount of stuff that you may want to say out loud that you don't... about the kids, their mom, whatever... it's a lot. On some level, I feel like I'm always monitoring what I do and say. It's tiring. I have to admit that it's nice when they go to their moms, so that I can "turn off" so to speak and just BE in my own home. So I look forward to that time. It also gives me a chance to miss them and appreciate them even more when they come back! I see so many comments attacking stepmoms, and I'm sure there are some majorly s***ty ones out there, but there's also a lot of well-meaning ladies that really do care for the kids in their care. But guys, I'd just ask you to remember that these ARE NOT our kids. Everything we do for them, we do out of love for you. And it can be very draining. A mom gets fed by the unconditional love that flows effortlessly between her and her biological child. A stepmom does not. She gives a lot and really doesn't get a lot back. Overtime, you can start to feel like the hired help, a guest in your own home, and the lowest person on the totem pole. My advice for the original poster? If you're not willing to change the kids' schedule, then offer an alternative that she can work with - hiring a nanny. Seriously. I don't say that to be an a-hole, but really, it sounds like your wife is stuck in what's called a "double bind." She wants to support you by helping you with your kids (she LOVES you, after all) but at the same time, she really doesn't want to be doing most of what she is doing... but by not doing it, she feels she would be letting you down. It's a lose lose. Add on top of that the pain of losing the baby, and she is growing to resent the lot of you. Take the burden off of her. Look into hiring a nanny to carry most of the load. Yes, it will cost you some money, but hiring a nanny is much less expensive than paying for a divorce. Also consider setting a date night for just the two of you once per week that you don't break (and when you do go out, don't talk about your kids!). Much love to you and your situation x