I have been married for 36 years. The first month we were married, MIL drove 500 miles to visit, unannounced. While I was at work on that Friday, she did all my laundry (all my undies too), cooked dinner, and cleaned our apartment. (The message I received, was "you are incapable of taking care of my son.")I fixed supper for her that week-end and her comment was "aren't you going to take that nasty skin off the chicken?". It was downhill from that point on. Ten years ago, she grew very ill and came to live with us, (My husband is her only child, and she divorced many years ago). Has been here ever since and will be, likely, until she dies. And so, here we were with 26 years worth of unresolved issues between us (but "between" felt like a very small space). My advice to you comes from first hand experience. Resolve it NOW. No matter how difficult it may feel, no matter how your imagination warns you of horrible conflict, speak calmly, but honestly, now. Listen to her side. Arrive at a reasonable agreement for you both. These things have a way of growing deep roots, broad canopies, and coming to live with you. Boy do I wish I had followed that advice. I should tell those who are interested that we have found peace over the years, thanks to God and my wonderfuly patient husband, but the first few years were beyond awful. I now know that for the most part, our conflicts were far more misunderstandings than fact. So again, I reiterate, don't wait until MIL is old and senile. Get it right while you are both young and have some space. It will be worth the effort. Sorry if this sounds preachy.

This is the first time in a while I've had a chance to read through the more recent posts. I have to say my heart goes out to Melissa Stewart, who never did post again, sadly. My first impulse was to suggest putting a lock on the bedroom door! BTW, maifleur01's post of August 28, 2016 wasn't very clear to me. I think what she was saying was that AL facilities might be helpful to early/moderate dementia patients, but not all of them are willing to be moved there. This is very true. My MIL did not want to move. However, we did not give her a choice. She had lived with us for 7 yrs and it was stressing my DH's (her only child) health. The facility we found for her is a world away from the "just sitting in chairs" places. It is a 5-acre secure campus, complete with its own senior center and as mentioned before, a full schedule of activities every day. The regular routines and voluntary activities helped very much in slowing down the progression of her dementia. Her anxiety lessened, and she no longer needed the anti-depressants or BP bills either. She was the ideal candidate for a facility because she was very social but personally awkward at making friends (she felt it was being "pushy" and unladylike to be the instigator). The casual, regular social interactions enabled her to finally make new friends. This non-profit facility is the third-ranked of its type in the state. It has the lowest staff turnover percentage and one of the highest staff-to-resident ratios. The downside is, you need $$$ for this. Without exception we found the better quality full-care facilities did not take Medicaid patients. IF you passed the interview, had a signed evaluation of your mental/physical health from your doctor, and could claim sufficient financial assets for at least 5 yrs of rental expense, you could be accepted as a resident. In such case, as a current resident if you needed care in the future and ran out of funds, the facility can CHOOSE to apply for Medicaid on your behalf so you may continue to be a resident. Most non-profits will do this. Many for-profits, which unfortunately comprise the bulk of the industry and who are rapidly buying up existing non-profits when possible, do NOT do this. No funds = no residency. Always be sure, if you are looking for a facility for an elderly family member, that you make several visits, research their rankings (both federal and state inspections), and ask as many questions about "what if?" as you can. Just FYI, an article last week in the WS Journal on "We're running out of caregivers" said the average cost of a home health aide, full time (8 hr day) is now $49,000/yr. Remember if the aide is hired directly, you are also responsible for Social Security and other taxes, as an employer.

I agree with collen, moving would be my first option. If that's not possible, unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do. Even if your DH were to say something now, it's gone on so long there would be mutiny. They are not going to change how they've done things for so long, just because you want it... believe me, I've beaten my head against that wall. I would say to focus on your child and leave DH to deal with his kids and mother. This is THEIR problem, not yours. What you DO have control over... YOU choose what you want to do for his kids... and his mother. If DH is gone & MIL has something to do, be busy. Do not be her backup babysitter. You have the right to say no, you're busy. If they call to see what's for dinner, don't tell them. Say, "I haven't decided yet. Are you going to eat here or not?" and do not play the game. It's a blessing if grandma feeds them... saves on your food bill & less work for you, cooking & clean up. You aren't going to change them but you can learn to assert yourself to take some control over YOUR life. They are treating you like a doormat & the biggest problem I see here is that your husband is allowing it. The least he can do is back you up when you decide to back off and leave it to grandma. If he can't cut the apron strings... well, he needs to decide if he is your husband or their mama's boy? He can't be both. It's one thing to have a relationship with the parents, but when you are married & have a family of your own, that comes first. And do not allow her to come into your house to "check" anything. Lock your doors if you have to. And I'm sorry that they ignore your son but to be honest, why would you want your son to have much to do with them? They seem a little overbearing & nuts... as for gifts, it's hard but not much different than when the other bio parent buys something for them. A good life lesson of life is not fair and not everything needs to be equal. Your son is probably at an advantage because he doesn't have such crazy people as part of his family.

It's such a pity that so many women out there have to deal with crazy, unstable MILs. It makes me wonderDid they forget what it's like to become a married woman themselves and want to be accepted and respected by their own MILS? I just donÂt get it. How do they turn into these overbearing monsters? Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone who has posted a story here. They were very interesting to read and I am sorry to all of you who have had to deal with crazy MILs. I am however so empowered by you and think it is awesome that you have still, however difficult, not let it end your relationships and marriages. ItÂs the easiest thing to do  just throw your hands up and walk out  and sometimes you just want to do it so badly. However, it really proves a point when you decide that youÂre not going to let someone elseÂs ridiculousness ruin what you have with your partner. You really have to stand up for yourself and your own life. It would be a relief to walk out but it would be a definite pity to let people like that win! My own story is certainly not as serious as some of the ones that have been posted here, nor am I a married woman like many of you here are. However, I have had an experience with the mother of my boyfriend, with whom IÂve been together for almost two years now. WhatÂs sad is that yes, weÂre not even married yet, and sheÂs already gone and done it. Some women have been married for years and have never had to deal with anything too crazy from their MILs, and other get it before marriage is even in the picture. Oh splendid!! ;-) Anyhow, to get to the point, what happened is that I was arguing over the phone with my boyfriend this past summer and she overheard us arguing. She and I always got along fine  almost too well, really  but she definitely did butt into our business sometimes when she didnÂt really have a place. It was never anything really serious though. This time, however, her over-involvement really went too far. I was directly asking him why he hadnÂt worked in the past ten months. He was in school from January to May, so okay fine, but then clearly in the summer he had no excuse. I asked this because I was curious if there was something he wasnÂt telling me (thatÂs part of a longer story) and I just wanted to make sure I wasnÂt being fooled or something. I also asked this because his money or lack thereof would sometimes directly affect our relationship; we werenÂt always able to do everything we (and I) would have liked to because he didnÂt always have the dough! And at this point our relationship had turned long distance (I moved back home from college)! (So, it is partly my business, at least I definitely think it is!) So, his mother overheard what I was saying through her son openly reiterating it in the house and got all defensive because his reaction over the phone made it sound like I was being abrasive and putting him down (when he is, without a doubt, trying to better himself and was back in school finishing his degree). She wrote the following on a piece of paper and flagged at him, to say to me: "Tell her she hasnÂt lost ten lbs in the past ten months and that makes her hard to defend!" Long story short, I ended up finding out that she wrote this, with the intention of him to saying it to his own girlfriend. I was so shocked and hurt (and then just outright pissed!). I cried well into the next day about it. Never has anyone been so outrightly mean to me sinceÂI donÂt know...elementary school! I couldnÂt believe she would talk about me like that, and better yet, try to get him to talk to me like that (he is nothing like that at all  very sweet and loving and accepting of me the way I am  the good and the bad). It was also shocking because, like I previously mentioned, we always got along very well and if anything I had only heard her say nice things about me, especially about my physical appearance  that IÂm cute, how nice I looked in a dress, things like that. I always knew she had a bad temper and when angry let things fly out of her mouth, but I never knew she could be that bad and loose ALL sense. ItÂs one thing when you let things fly out of your mouth to your family  families can usually make amends and move on  but to your sonÂs girlfriend? Please. Even some of the stupidest people on earth know you donÂt say things like that to people, and this woman, believe it or not, is very far from stupid and scummy. SheÂs got three degrees (one of them a J.D.) and is a reverendÂs wife!!! You would never think you could hate this woman, but then watch her snapÂand you wonÂt believe how she acts. I guess thatÂs how it goes with her, sadly. It is now over five months later and I have still not received any kind of apology from her. My boyfriend has said that he has talked to her about the situation multiple times and she does intend to apologize but when the "time is right." (Supposedly she said that she does not think IÂm fat or anything like that and just said that because she knows itÂs something IÂm insecure about.) I just think that sheÂs a coward and doesnÂt know how to be an adult and do what should have been done months ago. ItÂs been so long now and I feel like sheÂs lost her chance. At this point, what is an apology even worth? I donÂt feel that it would be genuine. If she really cared, if she really regretted what she said and the damage she did, she would have cleared things up a loooong time ago. I truly believe that. I know that everyone else does not think the way I do, but I do know that if I were her I would want to make things right again asap, as embarrassing as it may be. No one likes to apologize but it is the right thing to do and I know that I couldnÂt feel right about myself again until I made those amends. She is 46 and I am 22. ShouldnÂt she know this far better than me?! The facts of the matter are: she had no place in that conversation to begin with (it was between my boyfriend and myself  she had nothing to do with anything we were talking about) and on top of that she took a low blow at me (better yet tried to advise her own SON to take the low blow at me) thinking that bringing up my weight and attacking me with that is fighting on an even playing field. Okay, IÂm not Einstein (and I donÂt have a J.D.), but since when is attacking someoneÂs physical appearance equal to asking a person why they havenÂt worked? Hm. Still trying to figure that one out! I also know that what she said wasnÂt the most AWFUL thing in the world and could have certainly be a lot worse. However, it was still intentionally mean, cheap, classless, not to mention absolutely unnecessary! I do not think that I should just let this blow over. You canÂt treat people like that just because you feel they are "attacking" someone you love and that you need to provide defense! I donÂt even know how I would react if she did try to apologize this late on, but I do know that as long as nothing at all is done IÂm definitely not going to back down. I'm definitely not going to disrespect myself after she did as well. The incentive to write this story actually came from another situation that just happened earlier this evening. My boyfriend was fighting with his parents and she, angry and impulsive, called me. (I didnÂt pick up at the time.) I found out afterwards from my bf that she was calling me so that I could hear the way he was yelling at them and then I donÂt know, maybe think twice about staying with him? Well first of all, I already know that side of him (it has been two years!) and know that when people get pissed they yell! I do it to him too! If we were hitting each other and verbally abusing each other, thatÂd be another story. Furthermore, why in the hell does she think itÂs okay to call me ESPECIALLY knowing our circumstances? If you canÂt use my number for good, then donÂt use it at all! I certainly donÂt need her calling me to start drama and try to what  have me leave him?? And even IF we were on good terms, who the hell does that?!! What place did I even have in that situation and why did she try to use it to cause problems between him and I too??? I donÂt want to think that she wants me to leave him so that she can be rid of me, because I donÂt think thatÂs true. But seriously, the woman needs to get a hold of herself and start being her actual age (46), not the sum of her age. Okay so I know that was a novel but itÂs something that I havenÂt written about since it happened, and I guess I just had a lot built up. Bless you and thank you a million if you have made it to the end! If I can get any kind of feedback or thoughts from anybody about any aspect of what I wrote, I would greatly appreciate it! This is not something that I let bother me too much, but it is something that I wish did not have to be so. Thank You! Nicole