Gas prices are getting so high that I went to the dealership and test drove three cars to run my errands.

Male patient said, "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the cond*m never broke. How is it possible?" The doctor replied, "Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun when he went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, shot the lion and it died!" Male patient said, "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion. The doctor replied, "Good! You understood the story. Next patient, please."

A poor woman called a radio station asking God for help. An arrogant, wealthy atheist heard her and decided to mock her. He bought a huge amount of groceries and told his secretary to deliver them. He gave her one instruction, "If she asks who sent them, tell her they came from the devil." When the groceries arrived, the woman was overjoyed and started putting everything away. The secretary asked, "Don't you want to know who sent all this?" The woman smiled and said, "Oh, there's no need. I don't care who sent it. When God gives an order, even the devil has to obey!"

My car was making annoying squeaky noises this morning. It stopped once I dropped off the kids.