Why and how did this all start? I'm asking because I've read numerous threads lately (not here) that go on and on about disengaging and 'I am NOT going to ______ (fill in blank)' blah blah blah. So was this the habit of your husband and his mother since these kids were born, or has something happened more recently? I it a matter of the kids have always gonna to Gma's while dad was working? It is because the kids all fight with each other, with you, won't listen?

From what little you've said for a backstory, it does sound like your husband needs to have a talk with his mother...but again, without knowing why and how it all started or is continuing to occur , it's rather hard to get a basic idea of what's going on.

As a grown adult quite capable of raising my own kids and tending to my own home, I'd not be all too happy to have my now deceased MIL barge in and take over. On the other hand, as a Gma myself, I've bent over backwards doing for my GKids whatever their parent/s need me to help with. But I don't nor would not if I was not welcome in their home or that it was causing problems between my adult child and his/her wife.

Can you expand a bit?

When my husband (only child) got divorced his parents quite their jobs and moved down here. My MIL was helping to take care of the kids. We have been living together for about 4 years and I have had my husband talk to her about letting me start taking them after school so we could get some bonding time she tells him yeah I understand and will do that and then it doesn't happen and the don't come home until he calls and/or she calls me to ask if he is home yet.I am only good enough to watch the kids by myself when husband is out and MIL has something to do (I AM NOT A BABYSITTER). Yes I want MIL to spend time with them we live right next door. She waits on them hand and foot everyday I won't do that they are 10 and 11 and can get up and get their own drink not be asked what of the 5 drinks they want and no don't go get up and get that. I think it is to much I understand being a grandma and wanting to spoil you grandkids but not everyday in every way she will come into my house and fix the 10 yo plate for him and mash his potatoes and carrots because that the way he likes it and then go back home. She has deceided to come over to my house to check their rooms to see if they need to be cleaned and then "help" (do it herself) clean it. Because of this it always feels like I am on the outside looking in and that they don't feel like I am their to help just someone to be left to when their isn't anyone else to watch them. He wants to go on vacation with his parnets and I said out of the 10 days together can we have one day that your parents can stay behind. He through a fit why invite them if they can't spend everyday with us. I have a son and they don't treat him the same it would be grammy buy me this and that and they would and my son would see them getting it but not him. What kind of vacation is that were I feel I have to compensate for everything?

Oh my.

Sit the Dh down and have one long talk about the damage he is doing his children and his marriage. Then husband is going to have to grow a backbone and confront his well meaning (??) but intrusive mother or if he refuses, it's time to review what you want to do about your relationship and future. She's not doing these kids any favors by treating them like helpless toddlers. She's also being extremely disrespectful to her son's wife. He needs to control his own home for starters...I am a mother who would never consider waiting on my little darlings hand and foot. If my mother came over and cleaned my kids rooms, fixed their plates and blew their noses for them, sh*t would hit. But than it would never ever occur to do those things. Your husband is allowing this woman to be this way and do these things.

Does your husband realize that what is taking place between his children and his mother is not 'spoiling' his children but rather stopping these kids from learning how to be a family and to grow up to be independent fuctional adults? Either husband really does like the way things currently are, or he is too afraid to face his mother as a grown up father/husband capable of running his own home and having a mature relationship with a spouse? Odds are maybe a bit of both? I bet she was pretty much the same way with him as he was growing up and he perhaps sees nothing wrong in what his mother is doing. Did MIL play a part in husband's divorce from his first wife? I can't help but notice this whole thing sounds exactly like the old tv show 'Everybody Loves Raymond' where mother, Marie, does about exactly what you are saying.

Is there a birthmother for the children in the picture?

Talk to husband about how this all makes you feel. 1)You have no control in your own home, 2) you have no 'family' life as MIL plays 'mommy' to the kids both at her house and yours, and 3) perhaps it's time your family begins to look for a new residence. Put a bit of distance between the two households. No vacation with the inlaws, you need a vacation as a family unit (you/he/kids) for now... heck you need a vacation to get away from the inlaws not take them with you. Is he inviting the parents along to 'help' (choke choke) with the Gma dependent kids or perhaps to finance the cost or what?

How old is your son? Do all the children get along?

Oh honey, I'm afraid it looks like you are always going to have your MIL living in your pocket unless you move away, and we both know that's not going to happen. If your husband won't even leave them for a day on vacation there's no way he'll make it more permanent. It's also sad that your inlaws ignore your son.

You need to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life or whether you will cut your losses and leave. I know what I'd be doing, and with luck I'd eventually find someone who wouldn't let his parents treat me like the unpaid help.

Wow...sounds like your husband is quite a mamma's boy....living next door, going on vacations and throwing a fit when you suggest a day by yourselves...probably not gonna change any time soon either.

I'm a man in my mid-40's...I have always been close to my folks, but OMG the thought of living next to them and seeing them everyday as an adult, and having then THAT involved in my life makes me cringe.....

Good luck with that....

I sounds to me that if there weren't grandkids in the picture, your MIL would be coming over to the house to mash your DH's potatoes and carrots. She probably raised DH in the same manner that she is treating/raising your SK's. Consequently, he hasn't learned how to be a man. It just isn't good. That's JMO.

I agree with collen, moving would be my first option. If that's not possible, unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do. Even if your DH were to say something now, it's gone on so long there would be mutiny. They are not going to change how they've done things for so long, just because you want it... believe me, I've beaten my head against that wall. I would say to focus on your child and leave DH to deal with his kids and mother. This is THEIR problem, not yours.

What you DO have control over... YOU choose what you want to do for his kids... and his mother. If DH is gone & MIL has something to do, be busy. Do not be her backup babysitter. You have the right to say no, you're busy. If they call to see what's for dinner, don't tell them. Say, "I haven't decided yet. Are you going to eat here or not?" and do not play the game. It's a blessing if grandma feeds them... saves on your food bill & less work for you, cooking & clean up. You aren't going to change them but you can learn to assert yourself to take some control over YOUR life. They are treating you like a doormat & the biggest problem I see here is that your husband is allowing it. The least he can do is back you up when you decide to back off and leave it to grandma. If he can't cut the apron strings... well, he needs to decide if he is your husband or their mama's boy? He can't be both. It's one thing to have a relationship with the parents, but when you are married & have a family of your own, that comes first. And do not allow her to come into your house to "check" anything. Lock your doors if you have to.

And I'm sorry that they ignore your son but to be honest, why would you want your son to have much to do with them? They seem a little overbearing & nuts... as for gifts, it's hard but not much different than when the other bio parent buys something for them. A good life lesson of life is not fair and not everything needs to be equal. Your son is probably at an advantage because he doesn't have such crazy people as part of his family.

Great advice imamommy...well said!

Also...gerina said "Consequently, he hasn't learned how to be a man"...yep that pretty much sums it up.

Good news is that after I posted this we made a meeting with marriage counsler. When I said I felt left out of the family he said that she was only helping. The counsler said she needs to step back and that she wants her to come too. Because husand has aksed her to step back she says ok but then doesn't do it. It seemed to sink in when she said maybe he might be getting it. Said that MIL is keeping his kids from bonding with me and that I should take a more leading role in their lives. Hopefully with counsling and work we can work this out. When kids are gone in the summer and MIL isn't in control we have great relationship.

My situation was very similar to yours in the beginning. DH was a single dad when I met him and his mom lived a few miles from him. She would take care of the kids while he worked. Luckily we were able to move further from her because we were only renting that place. I am glad you are in counseling though, hopefully it will help. Because you are right he and his mom are keeping you from bonding with his kids. And it really sounds unhealthy how much mil is babying the kids.

I think you have gotten some really great advice here. Your description of your MIL also reminded me of "marie" on Everybody Loves Raymond.

Honestly your husband sounds spoiled rotten, along with the kids. Of course he doesn't want to upset his mother! He's got it made and you always end up looking like the baddy.

If you can't move and she won't back off with her intrusive ways then not only would I stop being the "back up" baby-sitter, I'd start taking advantage and really spend some good one on one time with your DS.

If you can't beat em, join em!

I'd start sending them over to Grandmas on the weekends too, or basically whenever your husband isn't around. No choices for dinner would be available, I'd send them next door and take your son to Chuck E Cheese! Send them over to get ready for school in the morning, get your boy off to school and go back to bed with a good book..Sorry my suggestions probably aren't very conducive to your working it out. Maybe this MIL needs to have them even more and get really tired.

Oh and leave her a note of all the household chores she needs to have done next time she comes over & sign it "Thank's bye! Off to go shopping & see a movie with DS! Catch ya later :0) Love, DIL.

I know, I'm evil. But really its so intrusive I can't see how any marriage would survive it. And kids are smart so I'm sure they are playing you. And she's pretty much taking care of all your "wifely duties" save one which frees up a lot of time for you to pursue your own interests. How bout them apples? ;0)

-Cat

Omg Cat I have been thinking the same thing actully thinking of taking evening job so I don't have to be their. Don't have to worry about cooking and have the day home alone to do what I want. Like the idea about the note gave me my first smile of the day.

Well, that is not a bad idea. A job would = your own $ to do with or stash away as you like. I have this feeling though that if your husband refuses to put a stop to this nonsense with his overbearing mother you are going to want to leave eventually. So getting some cash together is not a bad idea at all.

If he does step up and things work out, then great! Then consider it your "mad money" Every woman should have some.
Best wishes to you, hold your head high.

~Cat