Father in law moving on 3 months after mother in law passed suddenly..

erica neal

OK I am needing some advice, I don't know how to handle my situation or even go about dealing with it.

My Mother in law died unexpectedly during a surgery on Nov. 16. It was a shock to us all as we are all very close family. After her passing I watched over my father in law and catered him meals and just looked out for his well being to make sure he wasn't going to go into a depression. After we got through the holidays and the first of the year things seemed like they were going to be ok. He started to get some odd jobs to keep himself busy. My mother in law has a niece that is 46 yrs old and has been like a daughter to them both. She and I talk about every day. She started to have him over for dinners and seemed as though the two were just finding comfort in the fact that they were both lonely and missing my mother in law.

Fast foward to April and one day something went wrong and I got a call from my brother in law that his cousin had went over to my father in laws house and busted in one of his windows in his car. So I storm over there to find my father in law and his new "girlfriend" over there. Apparently he was ghosting the cousin and wasn't answering her phone calls or anything so she got pissed and went over there and seen them there. So initially I was mad at the cousin and took my father in laws side because all he was telling me that she was upset because she felt he was moving on too soon after my mother in law dying. Well that wasn't the case at all. I talked to the cousin a few weeks later and come to find out they were having a relationship!! She showed me proof of all their text messages where he was telling her he loved her and calling her his girlfriend and pressuring her into having sex! Needless to say this made myself, my husband and my brother in law sick to our stomachs. To this day my husband and brother in law will not talk to her. I still do because I don't see where it was one persons fault over the other.

So Ok, I realize he has met this new chick after screwing up the only family my husband had on his side. So we move on. Well my father in law started pushing me and my husband to tell our young kids about this new woman. I was not for this! My kids are 10, 7 and 3. They miss their grandma terribly and still have a few bad days over it. So no way was I telling them right off the bat. Anyways, my father in law ALWAYS came to any of the kids' ballgames. Up until that night in April when that mess happened he had come to every game. I started noticing the trend that he would always have an excuse as to why not to come, so I just made a mental note of this.

We had left for a cruise on May 15th and the day we stepped back foot on land there was a text message to me and my husband from my father in law to call him when we got back. So we did and come to find out he had moved in with this lady while we were gone and had gotten engaged!! By this time, I felt that I can't get on board wit this but whatever floats his boat. The ball games started back up the week we got back form our trip and I text my father in law to invite him like I always do and of course he had to "work late" that day and wouldn't be able to make it. Now, me and my husband had decided at this point to tell the kids about this woman since he had moved in with her and was talking about marriage (we don't tell the kids that tho). So I responded with a text back about how we had told the kids about this woman so if that is the reason he has missed all these games don't worry. He responded with "We'll be there" . Which tells me and makes me feel like all that time he was chosing to be with her instead of see his grandkids and be there for them. Thats where it all started.

He didn't call or text my husband or brother in law on their first mothers day without their mom, instead he was celebrating mothers day with his new girlfriend and her kids. He stopped coming by to see the kids and still to this day has not called or text to see how they are doing or anything. He goes weeks without even saying hi and he went about a month without talking to my husband then texts him about wanting him to stand up and be a best man for their wedding. My husband broke down and they had some words. So I tried to intervene and be the peacemaker and try to get him to understand that my husband is still upset over losing his mom and talking about a wedding just makes it worse. It went in circles and things have been said and now the woman has blocked me on facebook and my father in law said it does't matter how we feel he is still going to do what he is going to do. We understand this, it is not the fact that he has moved on its the fact that he doesn't bother to take other people's feelings into consideration. If he would just say "I'm sorry I did those things to you guys, I didn't realize it" or something just apologize we might be able to move on! But this lady isn't 'helping matters by being very rude and mean. I don't know what to do, we haven't spoken since the arguments and my husband says he doesn't want to ever again but I know this is hurting him so bad to not have his dad. NOTE: The dad is very good at playing the victim in everything and blaming everyone else instead of taking responsibility, hes been that way his whole life, so it's very hard to try and talk to him.

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Men just can't seem to stay by themselves after they lose there partner. Try not to be too hard on him, it is a terrible thing when you lose your spouse. This may be the only way he has to deal with it. It usually doesn't last, he may marry her but it won't last. I wouldn't tell my children about it yet. I am sure he is still in a fog, I know I was the first year or more. We just want out of that feeling any way we can, its normal. I hope he wakes up before its to late for him. Try to take to him, he may not listen but at least you would have tried. Hugs

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I understand wanting to feel "normal" again after your spouse dies. I knew I wasn't thinking straight, and I had 5 little kids to take care of, so I became a victim of a man who "threw me a rope" from the abyss I was in. I have to believe he heard about my husband dying and saw dollar signs. Our marriage did not last. I didn't come out of a fog until about 2 years. I didn't understand about waiting at least a year before making big decisions. Family and friends didn't object, but I think no one really knew what to say or do. Your father in law is clinging to what he has had. That love and closeness, sharing his life with someone. It's possible he is avoiding you because he understands what he is doing is not right, he may be under the "guidance" of this woman and doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship, or he really isn't thinking straight and is focusing on this woman and his old routines have gotten dropped from the huge rift of change from his wife dying. You might suggest very gently and only once, that this is a huge adjustment for him. Having a list of things widowers go through from a professional would be best. He is being led, and he will allow it. It is possible to lead him to a difficult, but better grieving process. Because of my marriage within a year of my best friend and husbands death, I didn't actually grieve until after my divorce, 6 years later. Take care. I wish people would discuss these situations more, instead of trying to deny that death happens. It is such a horrible time and any help through it would be nice.

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