Hi Theresa: Thank you for your kind and comforting words, and thank you for providing such personal information about you and your mother. Whatever you are feeling, it is ok to feel that. The anger at your mother for not telling family members about her illness is understandable. It sounds like she was scared and in denial, and (as you said) did not want to burden others with such news. We all have issues with our parents; I guess it's because it's a dominant-submissive relationship. Even when we become adults, we are still viewed as children by our folks. What has helped me through my grieving process is to view my mother as a person--another human being going through this life process of being and growing--who made some good and bad choices but did her best under the circumstances, raised/treated me the best she could based on her life experience, and loved me through it all. We were gifts to each other because we needed to learn from each other. I remember when I was caring for my mother, I heard her ask her sister (my aunt)the following: "Do you remember Mom ever hugging you?" Here was my mother, in her 70s, asking her sister if she ever got hugs from their mother. My mother went on to say that she could not remember one time that their mother ever hugged her; she sounded so hurt. That's when it hit me that we are all just people trying to do our best based on how we were raised and loved as children. And no matter how old we get, there may be emotional needs not met that will hurt us and perhaps even haunt us for the rest of our lives. I believe my mother is around me quite a bit which is comforting. I realize that although there is no physical connection anymore, there is still a strong emotional one, a psychic connection if you will, and all I have to do to communicate with her now is to think a thought. The fact that you were with your mother, lay with her, and held her until she passed away is a true testament of love. Most people would not be able to bear that emotional pain. Bless you, Theresa! You are a terrific daughter. I shall keep checking this forum. You just keep posting your thoughts and feelings here so we can fully support you. You mentioned faith; I too am a big believer in faith getting me through rough times. The worse things got for me, the stronger my faith become. In addition to losing my mother and husband within a 10-month period, I also lost my therapist and mother-in-law to cancer during the next 14 months. So I lost three relatives and my grief therapist in a two-year period. At one point I felt like "Typhoid Mary." In fact, I refused to make any new friends for awhile thinking they might drop dead or become ill. That time period was hell for me and I too was a mess. You can and will make it through this hellish grieving process, Theresa. Be real, be honest with people about it, communicate with those who can and want to help you. One thing I wanted to ask is how are your children? How are they handling their grief? Have they talked to you about it? Take care, Theresa....you are special, you are loved, you are a valuable child of God. Mary R-K

Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less. I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all. I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard. I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands. What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?

So Hubby did indeed make it home (though late). We spent a good deal of yesterday cleaning and organizing but we still have a lot to do. With the chaos our life has been for the past several months cleaning (other than the basics) has been a very low priority. CT scan revealed that the mass in her shoulder is non-homogenous, there is definitely infection and the other parts could be abscess, live tumor and/or dead tumor cells. Plan is to do a CT-guided needle biopsy of all the different masses today. She should also get her stomach tube. The battles raging in her body have taken a toll on her in many ways. Probably the most difficult one right now is that she is easily confused and agitated and has no short-term memory. We have to explain to her multiple times where she is and why she's there and what is happening. They put her on oxygen last night (she has developed apnea and shallow breathing due in large part to the meds) and you could see it was really helping her but she kept wanting to take the cannula off. Hubby is at the hospital now hoping to catch up with the oncologist. I suspect he's going to be gone all day. We're still nowhere near ready. Adding to the stress, we came home some time after 11 pm (having spent the evening at the hospital) to discover the newly-vacuumed living room full of garbage and three very dirty and guily chihuahuas. My fault - I had left the (nearly full) garbage can where they could get at it. With a ham bone and other tasties in there it was just too tempting. So we spent our evening scrubbing floors and puppies. At least we hadn't shampooed the carpet yet.

Hello friends, I'm chiming in just now after a slight absence and cannot resist tossing in my two cents worth on this topic, as I've had quite a similar experience. Some time ago my mother-in-law gave herself a wonderful birthday present, in that she bought all new everything for the boudoir, down to and including new carpeting, and I said, "Way to go, Rosemary, you and Johnnie deserve this treat!" She had a couple of old sheets that she earmarked for the church's charity drive but I wheedled them away for use in my own bedroom. One set, which I believe was Wamsutta, was like the silky ones your mother-in-law has, and the they were designed by Yves St. Lawrence, in awesome pinks and purples. The colors nothwithstanding, those elderly, well-worn and washed, and much beloved sheets were pure perfection to my husband and me. The lovely smoothness of that old bedding transported us into the sleep of the angels. I promise, we NEVER noticed the pink and purple designs, and we slept on them for another 20 years until they could no longer manage to hold together in one piece. Oh! Holy cow, I just came out of my reverie and realized you had asked a question! Mea culpa! My bad! Here's my suggestion for silky sheets, or at least for as close we can come these days: Buy 100% Egyptian Cotton in a reasonably good thread count, like 300, 400, 500. I'm now a retired senior with rather thin, frail skin, which I feel warrants the smoothest, most silky bedding I can afford. And I buy my Egyptian cotton sheet sets from Penney's, when they go on sale twice a year. And they last forever, well, I'm still using them 8 years later! I have 3 sets and just rotate. Give them a whirl; they're quite reasonable on sale, and enjoy! Kaye