It's a hormonal difference, and we are hardwired differently than men, PLUS, society has dictated that men are not to show emotion, while encouraging women to do so.

Exactly what I was going to say------

HORMONES

It's partly the way we are wired but it can be learned. I learned to remove most traces of emotion when something needs to be done. People who work in hospitals, paramedics, cops, firefighters and rescue workers do it.

It's not a lack of feeling or compassion,it's simply not letting emotions get in the way of what needs to be done.

The same is true for men in the world at large. They have to be strong in order not to be perceived as weak or they will be challenged. I've been around men more than women while growing up and I learned early on that not showing emotion helps when you are under threat. It also helps you stay clear headed and out of trouble.

Men cry. I've seen some very hard men cry. But they save it for later.

I can't answer your question, but I can tell you about the first time I saw my DH cry.

We had been married about five years, our first child was about 3 years old. We got her a puppy, which she loved dearly. I don't remember now what the problem was, but he only lived about 6 months.

DH carried him to the field across from our house, and buried him. And there I saw my DH cry.

The next time was at his mother's funeral, many years later.

He was a gentle, kind man, but held his emoptions in, like most men do.

Sue

Living on a farm has really opened my eyes to the circle of life. I feel drained and sad when my pets leave this world but somehow see it as an enevitable time that I knew was going to happen long before I wanted. Before I lived on the farm, I much more emotional, thought we should have a funeral for every creature that passed. My Dh, although concerned for my tears, didn't understand the drama. For humans, he has tears, for pets, none. He's a good pet owner but doesn't keep them for emotional support like I do. I miss their interaction and "love", he just looks back on their personality qualities. We're all wired different, have learned to deal with life differently.

I'm orry tho, about Bear. He will have a special place in your heart. ~~ Maybe nature made men feel differently about things like this so they could help and comfort their partners. He gives you strength to move forward, do what needs to be done.
I'm glad he was able to help with the horse. Knowing many horse owners, I know it can be a dilemma on what to do with such a huge creature. Bury a horse isn't always possible but to me, preferable.

Orry, should be sorry...
omg, I misspell so often but thought this would be better corrected.

toni, LOL ...I didnt even notice your mis-spelled words.
I sort of live on the farm, and I do understand the circle of life, most of the time. We buried a pet rooster the other day and I didnt cry.
My wires seem to be crossed when it comes to animals, I remember a past topic here about "do you cry at the movies" and many answered YES, especially when animals were involved.
I dont cry to often when people die in a movie, but if its an animal....I just loose it.
I do understand there is a difference in hormones and also the way a boy is raised and told not to cry.
I try to hold it in, but its never worked yet for me.

Hi toni NE,

I didn't give a thought to criticizing you: just filled in the missing "s".

Actually, sometimes it takes real skill to make an "s"" of one's self - sometimes it comes easy!

I agree about farm-connected people taking a different view of animals, including pets. While they (my apprecticeship pretty well ended 60 years ago) have respect for them and care for them well, and very few abuse them ... it would be rare person among them who would refer to a pet as a "furbaby", I think. I'd say that we consider them on a different level of being than humans.

We say that we "own" a pet ... most people feel that to claim that we were to "own" another human being would be unconscionable: in most parts of the world, slavery is long gone ... but what about the people who are "trafficked" even to our areas from disadvantaged places in the world, to work as prostitutes, or in near-slave working conditions, e.g. construction, in debt to traffickers??

Though when one considers the ways in which thousands ... millions ... of humans have been treated by other (so-called) "humans" during history, and including these, which we refer to as "enlightened", days ... one is inclined to wonder.

How some of the managers of Auschwitz could fawn over their pets ... but send thousands of fellow humans to the gas chambers ... is beyond me.

When people, including on here, make a huge fuss about some pet being abused ...

... I often sit and think about the children in several parts of the world being dragooned into becoming child soldiers ... including being given a gun/club and told to shoot/beat their parent (in order to make them a pariah in their village, should they escape and return home).

Or not being living in conditions where love is part of their environment ... or fed properly ... or given access to school ... or medical care ... it troubles me. Can we spare some of our concern for them?

We've said a number of times (especially before elections) that we were going to eradicate poverty in our area ... but little has been achieved (and we in Canada have diluted the definition, into the bargain) ... but there's as much as ever continuing.

While I am happy and thankful and proud to be a Canadian ...

... I feel that it was an accident of birth that had me born in this fortunate, comfortable place rather than in some parts of the world where they have suffered and suffer very greatly ...

... and I feel compelled to the judgement that I owe those folks something.

As I call myself a Christian, I feel that God loves them as much as me (possibly more?) and that I cannot pass them by, unconcerned.

I have a feeling that when I face my final test, after my departure from this earth, I may well be very embarrassed about a number of the parts of the report that I will need to make with regard to my stewardship of the earth, its people and resources ... including animals.

I hope that you have a shining week.

ole joyful

P.S. I have some reason to be more than usually thankful, this week, I think ... more of that in another thread.

o j

I remember having a conversation about this in the middle of a book group on "You Just Don't Understand." Someone made the comment that most men don't express their emotions, at least in public. One of the men spoke up and said, "Well, it's not that I don't express my emotions much - it's that I don't *have* emotions much." A majority of the other men were nodding along with this. I've questioned male friends about this a few times, and most of them seem to resonate with this viewpoint. These are kind, decent men.

They've also mentioned that this is why they panic when their wives ask how they're feeling. As my friend Rick says, "Men are simple. Most of the time, they're not feeling anything."

Who knows if this is true, but I think it's interesting.

Some of us have said for years that most (male) clergypersons are expected to be semi-female.

Caring, compassionate, emotional, kindly, courteous, empathetic, considerate, service-oriented.

But ... wait a minute - don't we say that God's like that?

Some of it wouldn't look bad on your average male, either, possibly.

I think that part of it relates back to when we were told that, "Big boys don't cry!", and if were were crying, told to "Be a man - stop crying".

Part of it relates to macho imageing, I think, as well.

ole joyful

that surprises me, both of my husband would tear up all the time regarding sad or happy things. It took a lot for me to tear up, but not anymore. I think men are taught they are suppose to be brave and not cry. My husband would have been very upset if his friends saw him that way.

Joann, I am glad to read others have had the same questions.
I may have worded my post wrong too, part of me does know why, but sometimes it just sort of surprise me to see the lack of visual emotions.
And not all women show their emotions outwardly either. Everyone handles grief their own way.
I was glad to be alone for the next several days, I don't really want to talk to anyone, and yet I found myself coming here, looking for support.
And.....I am so Thankful I found it !

Men think that women over think and over talk, while women think that men under think and under talk. That's my experience so far. The three words that DH hates to hear from me are "can we talk?". LOL given the choice I think he'd rather have a root canal without novacaine than sit and talk about his feelings. When my boys were born I vowed that I would try to re-wire the "male thinking", I was successful with one, but not the other.

Lavon, I am so sorry to hear about Bear. Big hugs to you.

I am sort of like Toni...I have seen the circle of life and death many, many times. When I have a pet that needs to be put down, I am concentrating on getting it done. I am sad, but I find a sense of peace, knowing I did the right thing.

I recently (some months ago) had one of my dogs put down. I was shocked because he got sick and it was all over within a few days. The vet told me he had cancer and an inoperable (at least as far as expense and suffering to the dog went), and I made the decision to let him go right then.
I don't think I cried...maybe a couple of tears, but not really crying. The last animal that I cried over was the little donkey foal that had a heat stroke. It wasn't even mine but I took her to the vet, and spent $180 trying to save her. It broke my heart when she died...and I cried over her.

Lots of good points have been made already.

I also believe that a farm background plays a part in it. For those of us that grew up with an agricultural background we learn early on that death is a part of life. I remember being about 4 years old and standing next to a huge block of wood, 3 chickens in each of my little hands while Mom casually took them one at a time from me so she could butcher them. Now it would probably be considered emotional abuse, then it was a way of life. Funny thing, when we'd go see the Dr. Mom always wanted me to turn away and not watch the Dr. give me a shot.

Part of it is the way our brains are wired. I heard it described this way: Womens brains are a huge net wear every thought is connected to every other thopught. Mens brains are comprised of boxes. Each thought and emotion has a seperate box. Our absoulutely favorite box is the empty box. It's the internal man cave. For me personally, when I'm in my empty box and peak over the edge, none of the other boxes are even in sight.

Matti5, I know exactly how your husband feels! And Bigbaby springs this on me when I'm at my lowest point. I'm very much a morning person. And these "Can we talk?" sessions always seem to take place in the evening. I'm exhausted and now I'm suppose to talk about my emotions? Just once I'd love to say, "Let's set the alarm an hour early and talk about it in the morning."

Ron

maybe they mellow with age, though...dh cries at some emotional movies where he would have never before...i doubt if he'd cry over my cats though, sigh...they havn't given him the support they have me...

Ron, its nice to hear from the "other" side !
(( Thank You ))

I think women's brains are more equipped to respond personally to 'need', human or animal. (It's a valuable tool for a mother to have!) Men have another role; they seem more distant. They *see* an issue, decide if it requires some 'manly' intervention, then process any emotional content later.

Look up the dictionary definitions of "Mother" and "Father" -- interesting differences.

A woman is wise to keep any emotionally-laden message to a man clear and *brief*, and to expect no meaningful immediate response. A man may need hours or a day to process the message -- unless of course he's forgotten all about it! LOL.

Often women need to talk about what they are feeling to 'shape' it in their minds. Men tend to hear this ruminating as a problem they need to SOLVE, when the woman just wants to be heard, to receive reassurance and help sorting it out.

Lavon46 -- I'm glad you could find comfort here at the KT!

I can't say that it's hormones, because postmenopausal women are still emotional even though they have no hormones anymore.

Myself, I'm only emotional when it comes to pets and other animals. Other than that, I don't cry as easily as other women do and by that, I mean I don't cry at movies and commercials and other little things. It may partly be because I've had a lot of sickness and death in my own life and I compare that to the little things that some people get emotional over, and those little things come up short as far as producing emotions in me. I figure, if no one is dead or dying, everything is fine (again, pets can cause me a great deal of grief).

I think it's a combination of life experiences, personality and temperament. I'm pretty independent and have never felt the need to receive reassurance and help from a man. (I'm sure that sounds awful to some, but it's the truth LOL)

And I think that older men were raised not to show their emotions. I think the younger generation of men might be different.

I was a bit reluctant to start this tpic, but now I am so glad. I love reading each one of your comments, especially right now because my emotions are so raw.

I think, deep down, I just wanted to have more of the "male" enotions, if only for a day or so !

I don't think I have cried very much in years. I did cry when the baby donkey had to be put down. A lot of that was because I felt so sorry for the mother, and when I was told that I couldn't buy her or some of the other donkeys, I cried. I had become so attached to them, and I knew no one was going to take care of them, and they had come to depend on me. I felt sick, which is more of a word for it. I shed a few tears saying goodbye to my friend, Ken, when he died, but I had taken care of him for 7 years and his death wasn't unexpected. But, out and out sob...probably 35 years. I will tear up over anything about animals, heart warming stories on tv about people, and when my daughter was in school...I just couldn't watch her do anything without tears streaming down my face. I am reminded of a letter to Dear Abby from years ago..."What is wrong with me?
I would cry at the opening of a new K Mart." Me, too.

When I have something bad or sad happen, I am more focused on what needs to be done. Part of that may be from living by myself so much of the time. I know in times that I have had stress and people want to hug me, I don't really find comfort in it, and I really just want to be alone, or with my husband.

Once again....what a interesting thread. I like Rons' idea about the "net" and "boxes". It IS a major difference between men and women, how we gather information, then sort and file that information. And, the needing to "talk things to death" in order to shape or prioritize a problem. Men do it too....but in their heads (box). I often see my DH, hands moving with those conversations in his head. Is it a 'manly' thing to sort it out before speaking? I also believe that most women, while they may cry too easily, and be emotionally affected by many things...they (as mothers) have to be and are focused and strong in the midst of a crisis...only to fall apart when it is past. But that could also be that adrenalin rush or drop. Very Interesting.

It's odd also because of our tears or no tears some people believe if men have tears they are weak and if women don't, they are unfeeling. I don't think it is so true about men now as it used to be.

Yes, its turned into a really interesting thread.....
Maybe Don was able to put it away, into the "box" that Ron described and just leave it there.

My husband is the same way. For a long time, it really frustrated me. Still does sometimes, but I've learned to be realistic about it and not take it personally...for the most part!

The book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus is so right on. We are just totally wired differently.

I find that, now that I've become aged, I cry over emotional issues that I wouldn't have, a few years ago.

Often they are related to issues that are not of personal connection with me, as well.

ole joyful

I've noticed that with my mom, OJ. She used to be tough as nails but now it takes so little for her to be upset, and cries much more easily.

I'm sorry about Bear. Yes it made me cry because I think of all the dogs I've lost.

SO is good about letting me go on and on about something then he'll say, "What can I do?" Nothing, I'm just venting. I know he's so relieved.

My DH says the same thing...he can't understand why these days he is so emotional...crying at movies etc. Don't know the answer! Nanny

Great thread!

I was the only girl with 2 brothers, so I spent a lot of growing up time with "the boys".

They always called me dramatic and irrational and I think hysterical a time or 2 lol! Come to think of it, they still do.

Ol Joyful: Your post almost made me cry, about how proud you are to be a Canadian (here! here!) yet you almost feel sorry for others who were born to countries less fortunate than ours. At least once a week (or more) and when I watch the news I thank God for placing me, right here - the true north proud and free!

And that makes me emotional - so then I switch the channel to the Big Bang Theory so I won't get all blubbery.

Ron, I like the how you described "the boxes". Oh my gosh, that is so true. So many times I've asked my DH what he was thinking, when he kind of stares mindlessly off into the abyss. And he says "Nothing". Nothing? That's impossible not to think of anything. I've tried it and I just can't do it. All the while he's going to his Man Cave. lol

I would love to be able to do that. But as you said, our minds are like nets, with nowhere to hide lol.

Now if only we could insert a man's brain with a GPS we women would get less agitated with them when we're on road trips! lol j/k

And women could get a switch to shut off the emotions, or a dimmer switch so we could at least tone them down, we'd all get along better! :-)

BJ

Oh BJ, please, please, please find a way to get at least dimmer switches installed! LOL PLEASE!

Maybe a mute button option for some? :D

Ha ha ha, Cynic :-) I'm afraid my dh would agree with you here's hoping you never meet to discuss this! lol