Thank you for replying telling me how thing's are for yourself's. When my grandfather past away in 1978 we all knew it was coming, seen his health decline from heart problems. Grandfather was my first lost from illness and I was specially close to him. My granny, grandfather's wife lived 19 years past his passing away and I would go over and sit with her for a few hours, she'd talk of how much she missed him and was so alone without him. I was very young at the time plus busy raising my two young kids, didn't realize just how bad it was for her being without her spouse. Not only having to deal with her loss she also had to put up with my uncle her first born son, he wanted to put her into a nursing home right away just to get her out of her own home so he could do as he pleased. My dad and her would not hear of it and she wasn't ill nor was she having any health problems at that time. Later on in the late 80's she started going down but it was slow she started forgetting the great grand kid's names till it came down to not even knowing her own kid's names. My dad would go over to see her and she'd ask who are you...well, where do you live. It is sad and so hard to see and watch a loved one go down. My dad has his up's and down's. When he is feeling good he loves to tell jokes and friends of his beg's him to tell them. Here lies one problem: being that he does live so far 23 miles from me it is not easy going over everyday like I do. My own home is suffering some cause I cannot get around that good myself. Like the other day I left dad's house around noon time so I could come home and do some house work but I had a bad bout with my leg and foot, the pain was so bad that it kept me up at night, I could not get comfortable no matter what I did. I'm going to the doctor today to see if something can be done for my foot, It might be a spur in my heal. Plus my husband keeps me up sometimes with his snoring .... he's going for a sleep study tonight. My DH also has a bad gall bladder and will need surgery and we've been checking out trying to find a good surgeon for him. First one we went to had the personality and a wet noodle LOL, Really that surgeon left us feeling very unsure about letting him do surgery on my DH. It is wonderful to have an outlet an outreach like this where as long ago it was much harder to find someone to reach out to. Thank's again for listening to me ramble LOL

Marleah, since you go to the rose forum, perhaps you know my story? I posted on the conversations side of the rose forum about my dad and his fight against leukemia, which was lost Feb 6 last year. I know how you feel. I was with my dad almost every day for almost 9 months, and before that, it was at least once a week. Talking on the phone many times a day was something we also did. Breaking that habit was hard. You can't turn back time, nor can I. The day my dad died, I had a doctor appt which took me away a "good" 3 hours. I kick myslef regularly for leaving because when I got back, he wasn't able to speak much or long. He managed to say I love you before never being able to speak again. I can't imagine what we could have talked about in the few hours I was gone. I like you, were there for our dad's. I have 2 sisters; one living on the West coast that came out a few times when he was mostly in the hospital and weak; the other, she didn't return his calls and spent his last day going through insurance paperwork. They both have to live with their decisions; as I do mine. I put my own family on hold during those 9 months; but there were days when I had to deal with my family and not go to the hospital to see dad. One day was counseling for my daughter; she'd lost her uncle when my dad was 1st diagnosed, then right after Halloween my ex sister in law (her godmother) died suddenly at 41; so she lost both her aunt & uncle who were married. This particular day dad was at death's door & I didn't find out until later that night. The doctor called to tell me that he didn't think he;d try to save him next time :( By the time I got there the next day, my dad was sitting up eating pancakes lol When you have kids life is hectic. Since you work in a hospital, you know most people having that proceedure do fine. You couldnt see into the future, and know that he wouldn't. You did manage to spend time with him. My dad even though he was sleeping / resting knew I was with him at the hospital; I'm sure your dad did too. You're a good daughter. You found time in your busy life to sit with him. You really should have no regrets; I don't think your dad would want you to. I know my dad thought the world of the care I gave him those months; he told everyone how proud he was of me; and how much I knew about his cancer. Stop being so hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive. Since you work at the hospital, you probably know that a lot of the patients don't have visitors all of the time. The doctors used to tell me about the difference my visits made; and how some people don't have visitors regularly. You have to grieve, it's going to take time. The other day i found a pic of dad and lost it. I keep 2 photos of us on my desk and made a memory frame for this room; also one for each kid - their's holds a few of his momentos, my son has a watch, his lighter, my daughter has a little plastic frog he had in his car. I have no clue why this pic made me cry when I see these others daily. Did your dad garden? Little things remind me of him. I'll be working in the garden and see a worm from his old house (they are visibly different then the worms down here - I collected them when we moved him down here) or I've been pulling up lilies & daffs getting ready to sell my house. Of course I'm digging blind & from memory. I'll talk to my dad while digging, asking if the sale is going to happen and if I'm doing this for nothing. Next thing I know, I find a jackpot of bulbs. Christmas was especially hard here also. My dad used to buy my kids Hess trucks. I couldn't make up my mind whether I'd continue the tradition - especially since my 21 yr old son is very sensative & also had a close bond to dad - my dad helped me raise him. Since he never had a son, he was the apple of his eye. Anyway, my son couldn't decide on the trucks, so the Sunday before Christmas I asked hubby to pick them up. I decided not to wrap them, nor to make a "big deal" about them. I slid them pretty far under the tree. I was an emotional wreak. I went to the couch crying. All of a sudden I smelled my dad's breakfast - scrambled eggs with Hungarian yellow peppers. It's not a common smell. I realized he was there with me, he was telling me "don't cry". I got through the day knowing I wasn't alone. The next morning, Christmas; I put the CD player on. I have 5 CD's on shuffle, and even though it's on shuffle, it pretty much plays the same every time. This time it started with a song I associate with my dad; Blue Christmas by Anne & Nancy Wilson. There's 2 versions of the song on theses CD's but this song was the 1st to play. I knew dad was again in the house; and I managed to get through the day. Of course I cried like hell when the song came on; but after a good cry I was ready to face the day and try to have a decent holiday. I think that once you slow down and allow yourself to see these little things; you will realize your dad is visiting you too. It's not easy, trust me; but we have to go on for our kids. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't see it easing any time soon for myself; but I don't think my dad would want me to be down all of the time, especially in front of other people.

It was chocolate with homemade (not by me of course) vanilla frosting with exactly 12 chocolate sprinkles. Then I had the strawberry one as well buy failed to count the sprinkles as I felt too stressed at the time. I had two because the first one did not do the trick. PO1 I have no desire to add to my stressful life by contacting my dad's other children. We were not raised together. Maybe it isn't their fault but their biological mother locked me and my brother in a closet for days during our visits to my dad's. I was 8 the last time I let her close and lock the door on me. So no thanks. I have no need for reuniting and reliving the horror I sustained while my dad was married to their mother. I'm sure she abused them as well but they did move away with her and have continued to stay in the same area as her so I bet there is some loyalty to her, she is their mother. I know where they are. My sister keeps in touch with them. My sister and I are so different. She is best friends to this day with a girl who stole her bike, pushed her in the street and beat her face in. That girl would be no where near my face after that attack but my sister is forgiving. The same reason she tolerates my dad's inability to commit to being her father for longer than a week after 40 yrs. What surprises me is that she was 13 when he left and so she was very effected by it but she just has this need to know all of her blood biological relatives. The same way that she is attached to antiques and old pictures. I honestly don't care for the junk. I have no attachment to blood ties - maybe because I am 100% effected by being raised and loved by people who are not blood related to me. I have an entire family of non blood related people through my stepdad. My sister is not close to them because she was older but I was still in diapers. I don't feel the need to go off and find all of my dad's offspring. I'm sure there are more out there. He is good at reproducing. I just feel no attachment to them. Maybe I am weird but I just feel nothing. One half brother is dying. He has aids. He doesn't take care of himself. He prostetutes.. Why would I want to even say I'm related to someone that is possibly spreading a disease because he is ignorant and angry? I have NO desire. I dont care to know the other one either. The one time I did talk to him, he told me he remembered that I stole his toys. I was 5! He was still holding it against me. I had to steal something otherwise I was locked in a closet or not fed. I needed something to draw attention to myself! I have overcome that abuse. It never really defined me. I never really had issues. I was a great kid. So was my brother. My brother went on to serve our country freely and proudly for the last 17 years. So proud of him! We both overcame it and although I know it wasn't their fault what happened, I just don't want to bring that back in to my life. As far as my dad, I just don't know what I want right now. I considered writing him a letter and just calling it the end. No more contact. Move on. But the other part of me is scared I'll need his kidney one day. Actually that was a joke. I think putting it in writing makes it final. I don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want my words to burn into his eyeballs but I'm certain I just don't want a relationship with him. I just don't know if I want or need to tell him. I have nothing to get off my chest. I have told him all of the things I am sharing with you all, already. He knows it all and all he can do is say I'm sorry, again. I don't want him to say I am sorry. I know he is. I just have no interest. Do you think I'll change my mind as I get older? Not sure. JMT for the record, I agree with you 100%. I already said that and I don't think you need my approval but I completely get what you are saying. A bio parent that gives their child up for adoption is no more a deadbeat than a man who gave up his rights for the same reasons. Just because you both didn't give your child up doesn't change the circumstances. Maybe it would be different to PO1 if you BOTH gave the child up for adoption. Then you are selfless and did what was best for the child. For some reason we as a society say that because MOM kept the baby then dad should have to keep the baby too. But you have opened my eyes to that just isn't how it is nor should it be. I would probably have been so much better off had my dad just walked away and never looked back. Instead he wanted to drag us around to each girlfriend/new wife he had where I sustained abuse and guess what... Dad wasn't home anyway. He was always at work.

That was your uncle and aunt? Awesome! I'm home for a change (vacation) and happened to watch this morning -- that story really hit home. I was saved from drowning in a reservoir when I was four years old. I'm now planning to ask my mother (when she returns from a trip) if she remembers who rescued me.