My Dad's Wife
myfampg
12 years ago
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justmetoo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
How to help my recently-widowed dad
Comments (15)"Seems like the best bet is to throw a lot of gift cards at him for logical stores that he goes to." Gift cards tend to get shoved in drawers or the side zipper on a wallet, and forgotten about or lost. If there are a bunch of them they are hard to remember to keep track of and using one up to the exact dollar amount usually requires spending MORE money to make a purchase or the last few dollars get wasted by never being used. I can't tell you how many gift cards to Best Buy or Victoria Secret I have that have just a few dollars left on them and I'll have to blow another $20 or so to get those last remaining dollars out of them. I would just give him ONE gift card. Make it for something he uses all the time, like gas for the auto. You can purchase a gasoline gift card and give it to him and some of them can be recharged. You can keep adding money as it gets low. Where I live there is a program that involves a wand that hangs from the keychain that you wave at the pump and it records the sale. The bill can be sent to your home. He may think this new gadget is 'cool' and use it just because it is interesting. Possibly it won't seem like charity to him. Since he is still active, and gets out of the house frequently for his job and hobbies, this will get used a lot. You can also buy an American Express gift card that can be used in ANY store that takes AMEX. This gives him more options to get things he really needs that you may not have thought of. I think this is a better option than a bunch of different cards to different stores. He can even use it at restaurants. I don't know if you can change the billing address on utilities but where I live you CAN gift someone extra landline phone services for their line and have it billed to your account. I did this for my parents. I bought them a caller ID box that shows the numbers calling, in big numerals. I gave it to them wrapped for xmas. On the sly, I had had the phone company activate the service starting the day before. They plugged it in and it "worked". They had no idea I was paying the $6.50/mo for the service. They thought the box worked all by itself. Now they don't have to struggle to get to the phone and have it stop ringing before they get to it and then wonder 'who was calling'. And yes, I did try buying them a cordless phone but neither of them can get out of the mindset that a phone must be 'hung up' and not "left laying around". I would call the utility company to see about changing the billing address. I know that bills can be sent to another address. How easy this would be to do would depend on who you talk to at the phone company. They may put you through hoops, or they may just rubber stamp the request....See Morenew baby
Comments (38)This will be a bit off-topic because it's about college education and how kids get the most out of it. Honestly, I think THE major factor affecting how much a kid values/gets from a college education is whether the kid is READY for one. I first went off to college at 18, by the book, like I was supposed to, in a situation that was an "in-between", money-wise. My mom & stepfather, my dad (but not his GF) and I all split the cost of my college expenses 3 ways, which seems very fair to me (and btw it never occured to me to resent GF not chipping in, but of course it did occur to her to resent my dad helping me). I always had a part-time job throughout school of at least 20 hrs a week. All in all, I think this arrangement was fair and ideal, because a kid DOES need to start learning how to chip in and take on work responsibilities, juggle tasks, etc. And parents *who can afford* to help with college absolutely should because there was no way I could have done all of it on my own. No way, and this was over a decade ago, before the standard-of-living/consumption reached the levels of over-the-top luxury for kids that it's at now (I work at a major university, so I see a vast difference between then and now: 18-yr-olds driving brand new expensive cars, getting plastic surgery for graduation, highest-end laptops & ipods, absurdly well-apointed GATED collegiate apartments, you name it... outrageous). But I'm just talking about BASIC, decent levels of safe & comfortable living. I got plenty of help from my parents, AND consistently worked at least 20 hours a week and scraped by both financially and educationally. Wasn't so smart about finances, had no sense of long-term future consequences for certain youthful mistakes, etc... many 18-year-olds don't. I did pretty poorly in college at that point... but I can't really say it was because of either TOO MUCH nor TOO LITTLE help from my parents. As I said, the arrangement we had was in my opinion about as ideal as it could have been in terms of fairness, realistic expense considerations and me taking on a *healthy* (reasonable) amount of financial responsibility. I dropped out after a few years. Then went to work full-time for a few years, working hard, scraping by but not exactly climbing the golden ladder. I woke up one day and decided to go back to school, decided on a major based on what I now knew I liked after living a bit longer, having more experiences, etc. and got virtually straight A's. Main difference was instead of doing school full-time and working part-time, it was reversed. And I'm lucky that my university offers free tuition for its employees, which I naturally have taken advantage of. Many of you might say that now that I was funding it all myself I was more motivated to do better. But I don't think that's REALLY it. I feel bad that I initially wasted the money my parents helped me with, first go-round with college. But they are all now extremely proud of me for going back and doing so well and neither has any regrets or disappointment about the money (well, except Dad's GF, of course, even though none of it was hers...) I really think the main factor is being ready for college, and with some kids that's right away and for some they may take more time deciding on something that they care enough about to give the necessary devotion. So I guess my point is, step or bio, the kid should really be ready. It's not *impossible* for them to find their own way to succeed if it's important enough to them, given enough years of sacrifice and toil, but if they're really ready for college and especially if they show it by doing well, then if a parent can afford to help, it's a worthwhile investment that helps kids tremendously. If the kid doesn't want to go, or is conflicted, or has no idea what they want to do, and then goes to college and does poorly... then if I was a parent I would say, not punishingly or angrily: "maybe now's not the time for you and college... But if/when you demonstrate that you're really ready for it, I am more than willing to help you." In general, whatever it is (college or trade or their own small business), if they know what they want and demonstrate ability & responsibility to do it, they ought to be helped with those extra funds that it seems to always take, here and there, to fully succeed....See MoreStepmom's storytelling
Comments (17)I can relate totally to this: "She's tricky. She always has been, she knows exactly how far she can push things and how much people will put up with." And like you, I've always been afraid to speak up in front of others, for fear of looking like *I'm* just too sensitive, have a "chip on my shoulder" or some sort of "problem"... I'll share a few thoughts with you on this predicament because I myself have dealt with it a lot with my Dad's wife, felt extremely alone in those situations, and struggled to find ways to explain to myself that I am not insane! Because, like it or not, it's natural for us to look to the reactions of other people to get a sense of how correct or incorrect we may be in our perspectives & feelings. That's part of why the "public humiliation" experience is so painful: other people *are there*, hearing this cr*p... what are they making of it? Do they see how manipulative it is? For my part, I've never been able to REALLY read what other people think when my Dad's wife comes out with some of the doozies she comes out with... some of which I've witnessed first-hand and surely plenty of things she says about me with her spin on them when I am not around. Of course I want to think "my goodness! she's so transparent, so obvious... how could people NOT see the pettiness and her self-serving attitude?" But many people just look at superficialities and take people at face value (i.e. my Dad's wife should run a "Charm School"). If it's a person SHE spends a lot more time around, often that is enough for people to be automatically "on her side" because it's easier and because of a familiarity factor. If she's nice to THEM, that's all that matters to many people... Conversely, even if they "smell a rat" of any kind, most people are not likely to pull YOU aside and tell you what they think of her, unless they're someone you're EXTREMELY close with and/or they feel like it's something so dire that you MUST be told right then & there how stinky she is. Most casual acquaintances, especially, are just too polite to even go there. Regardless of the opinions they form, they usually don't want to get involved (*especially* if there's business involved!). Further, they might either presume you already know how vexing she is, or decide that if you *don't* know, they don't want to rain on your parade... Hence in these situations you can easily wind up with that "out-numbered", "I must be crazy because no one else seems to see her for what she is" feeling. And it's such an awful feeling. But I think people observing this kind of interaction tend to be smarter than they may appear or let on, and I bet several have noticed her behavior....See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See Morejustmetoo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
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12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoparent_of_one
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agomyfampg
12 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
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