Well since your father does not want to rock the boat, what about you directly telling her how you feel. Do it in private some time when your not at a social gathering. Tell her that you do not like when she brings up stories about your personal moments (i.e. your first period) and you would like it if she did not do so in the future. Maybe she doesn't realize that it bothers you when she talks about these things.

You can't afford to allow this to continue.

If she is allowed to keep doing this in professional settings, especially if neither you nor your father contradict her, it'll damage, maybe destroy, your credibility & your career.

& don't wait for the other kids to "figure it out".

It surprised me recently to realize that people generally don't;
they believe what they're told instead of what they witnessed.

You don't have to stoop to her level;

just correct her.
every time.
looking her in the eye, keeping your voice level & your tone firm.

To allow this to continue is to allow her "re-write" to become "truth".

Hi mom2emall, anything in private with her is a mistake. She will definitely tell my dad that I told her something other than what was said. I suppose I could say something to her with my dad, but the problem there is that she is very manipulative. When she brought up the period story, he wasn't in ear shot to hear it. She learned a long time ago to muddy waters, I can seriously never predict what she will pull out of her a#$ to justify saying something. And just when you think you have her, she comes out with more crap.

I also can't prove a lot of stuff, without having to call colleagues to verify she indeed said this. And I think that would just make me look worse.

Thanks Sylvia, I would like to do that. But, I am afraid she will make a bigger scene. However, I think I am going to try it.

You are very correct, she has the younger children absolutely convinced that I am a bad person and made her life hell and I think she has half-way convinced herself as well.

Wow, she's got nerve. Talking about things such as YOUR FIRST PERIOD in professional circles?! Unreal. I gather these types of stories are told with a somewhat light-hearted or even "just ribbin' ya" kind of tone?

I dunno... maybe my approach would border on the "stooping to her level" tack, but another way of looking at it would be "well, if SHE thinks it's appropriate to tell highly personal & embarassing things about me as business party conversation, maybe I should join in the amusement... Since she finds it appropriate, she shouldn't mind if I share a few stories of my own."

If it was me, the very next time she brought up something truly inappropriate (save it for the worst offenses, not the ones people might think are petty), I'd giggle along (wouldn't want to be accused ---as she surely would accuse--- of not being able to "take it") and then say something like: "Oh, that reminds me of that one time... [insert "good-natured" giggle here]... 'member that time, when you were too hung-over [or whatever] to wake up and feed your kids breakfast... and I made eggs and you complained they weren't cooked enough? Then I cooked them again and you said they were burnt... Aw man, what a riot that was... it was like I couldn't get it right no matter what! haw haw haw! Good times, good times...."

Obviously this is just my own made-up example, you'd have to tell something 100% true per your experiences (though from what you've shared about your experiences with her as a child, my hypothetical example isn't too off the mark.) Calling her out in front of others would put her in the position of knowing firsthand how it feels, as well as letting her know in no uncertain terms that you won't be bullied and can hold your own, as well as adding another perspective to her sugar-coated version of events. Hopefully after one good dress-down of this nature she'd never make the same mistake. But again, I'd pick the time and occasion carefully. To be fair, perhaps BEFORE THIS, you should mention it to her privately that what she's doing bothers you... give her the chance to correct herself without being able to embarass you and then claim ignorance. If she does it again AFTER you've told her how much it hurts, she's doing it for her ego and amusement, so I'd really pick a doozy of a recollection and let her have it.

Nivea, of course I know *exactly* what you mean about if you said something to her in private (without witnesses) then she'd twist it around. And if what I suggested in my last post feels too confrontational, then maybe what you say to her in front of everyone in this business/party situation is this: "___[her name]___, I really wish you wouldn't keep telling that story. I'm just so painfully shy about those things... it's just stuff I'm not comfortable talking about, so could you please not do it again?" And say this with a very demure, soft tone, taking on the burden of being "the shy one", so that she comes off looking even more the dominating, overbearing abuser if she dares to ever do it again, at least in front of those same people. (In which case you repeat the script as many times as you have to say it so that she doesn't have any new audiences.)

LOL, Serenity. I do have some whoopers I could tell! However, I see how other people react to her and I don't want them to react that way to me.

It's weird, she isn't saying these stories in a ribbing me sort of way. She is saying them to make herself look like a great, experienced mom and look what she has had to put up with raising me and all the other kids. I think she also feels threatened that I am respected by a lot of people and wants to show them that I'm not all that. On a lighter note of an example, after talking politics (she didn't give an opinion as I don't think she was aware of the issues we were talking about) she started a conversation that people in their 20's were still very self-centered and not very aware of the world. And I am in my late 20's. Some people got what she was doing, I could tell by their reactions. And other people thought she was simply carrying on a conversation and didn't realize what she was trying to imply.

She's tricky. She always has been, she knows exactly how far she can push things and how much people will put up with. I think I am going to confront her directly in front of other people, I am very worried how she will react though. She will either cry to my dad that I am being mean to her again or she will make a big stink in front of other people. Ugh.

This is so sad, have you considered talking to dad alone. I think he could have said something like, that may or not be true, but certainly not for my DD.

In the end, most people will regard her as a lunatic. When she clearly goes over the line, you should interrrupt with I dont think most people here want to hear that and change the conservation.

It seems to me that she is trying to manipulate a situaion where you have to choose between your self respect and seeing your dad. Does you dad have any friends you are friendly with? Maybe you could have them point out to him that what she is doing is really hostile to you?

would she really make a scene in front of her husband's proffessional peers?

if you think she would, then you need to start on the behavior in the family environment;
don't let her nonsense go unchallenged in front of your siblings.

& have a sit-down with her & your father, tell them you want to be fair, you don't want either one of them to be surprised or embarrassed, but that you will not allow her to embarrass you either, & that you will correct her behavior if she ever dares to try to belittle or embarrass you in front of your siblings or your professional peers.

& you're going to have to do it at least once so she knows you aren't bluffing.

I'd start with a calm talk with your father and her together, asking her not to share stories of your childhood with your professional colleagues. You want your father to see the actual conversation (alert him first to your concern and intended topic) so she can't twist it around after the fact. But basically, state calmly that it undermines your professional credibility for people to hear about your exploits as a "dificult child." (Never mind that you weren't difficult and that she was -- That isn't the point.) Surely it's a reasonable request, and your father, as a professional, will understand it's appropriateness.

The next time you have an event where she will be, what about preparing an "emergency kit" with a few clever stories SM can tell that could make her look witty and charming without embarassing you? And one or two stories that sound fascinating but that there's no way she'd ever want to repeat.

Then if she starts in about your first period, you could brightly say "Oh Mommy Dearest, surely that's not an appropriate story for a business dinner! Why don't you tell about the time ... (safe story #1)" Give her a prompt for something she could say that will make her look good while not making you look bad.

If she refuses to take the hint, you could brightly say "Well then, what about the time (nasty story - sound bite only so you're not really spilling dirt) -- Now that's a story!"

UGH. You have one of those types in your family. They come in all flavours, stepmothers, mothers, brothers, friends, stepdaughters, and they are dependent, jealous yet vicious people who see themselves as really "nice." cough

You need to eliminate any involvement with her in your professional circle of friends, don't ever have a private conversation with her, sit her down with dad, siblings and yourself and find out what she has been saying about you behind your back. Will be awfully hard for her to deny having said those things with all those people there who know she has. Don't let anyone know in advance that you plan such a meeting or she will sabotage it. Don't allow her to burst into tears, because all bullies cry when they are confronted because they don't want to be held accountable for their actions. Don't ever send her an email without copying everyone. If you do decide to confront her in front of a bunch of people, predict her every move before she makes it. The element of surprise is critical. Remember always to be as hurt as you really are, because this type of bully is very clever at making it look like they are the victim when they are in fact the perpetrator.

You are right, people mostly believe what they are told. Don't wait for them to SEE her for what she really is because in most cases they never do.

I know it seems like a waste of time and it is a waste of time to have to deal with this type of dishonest, needy person but she has left you with no alternative.

Hi kkny,

There has only been one time that I have talked to my dad alone about her. He agreed that she has problems, but not to the extent that she actually does. For so long, she convinced him that I lied about every single situation that I stopped bringing things up to him. I kept it to myself and moved out at 17. She thought she won whatever she was fighting, I still don't know.

But anyway, it was a big step of him to admit that they both were wrong, however lightly he admitted it. However, he still won't admit to the darker stuff or even that she does things on purpose. At the time of our discussion, he said he blamed her parents because they had very high expectations of her. What that has to do with anything, I don't know. I can only imagine he is trying to justify some of the guilt he feels.

My family, uncles, aunts and my grandmother have all in the past tried to say something to my father. My SM convinced him that they were lying as well. His side of the family are still hurt since the divide happened, he no longer speaks to them regularly and only shows up on holidays.

And before I go any further, I do want to say that I went through years of therapy before I realized at just how angry I was at my father. He is to be blamed equally as well.

I can relate totally to this: "She's tricky. She always has been, she knows exactly how far she can push things and how much people will put up with." And like you, I've always been afraid to speak up in front of others, for fear of looking like *I'm* just too sensitive, have a "chip on my shoulder" or some sort of "problem"...

I'll share a few thoughts with you on this predicament because I myself have dealt with it a lot with my Dad's wife, felt extremely alone in those situations, and struggled to find ways to explain to myself that I am not insane! Because, like it or not, it's natural for us to look to the reactions of other people to get a sense of how correct or incorrect we may be in our perspectives & feelings. That's part of why the "public humiliation" experience is so painful: other people *are there*, hearing this cr*p... what are they making of it? Do they see how manipulative it is?

For my part, I've never been able to REALLY read what other people think when my Dad's wife comes out with some of the doozies she comes out with... some of which I've witnessed first-hand and surely plenty of things she says about me with her spin on them when I am not around. Of course I want to think "my goodness! she's so transparent, so obvious... how could people NOT see the pettiness and her self-serving attitude?" But many people just look at superficialities and take people at face value (i.e. my Dad's wife should run a "Charm School"). If it's a person SHE spends a lot more time around, often that is enough for people to be automatically "on her side" because it's easier and because of a familiarity factor. If she's nice to THEM, that's all that matters to many people...

Conversely, even if they "smell a rat" of any kind, most people are not likely to pull YOU aside and tell you what they think of her, unless they're someone you're EXTREMELY close with and/or they feel like it's something so dire that you MUST be told right then & there how stinky she is. Most casual acquaintances, especially, are just too polite to even go there. Regardless of the opinions they form, they usually don't want to get involved (*especially* if there's business involved!). Further, they might either presume you already know how vexing she is, or decide that if you *don't* know, they don't want to rain on your parade... Hence in these situations you can easily wind up with that "out-numbered", "I must be crazy because no one else seems to see her for what she is" feeling. And it's such an awful feeling. But I think people observing this kind of interaction tend to be smarter than they may appear or let on, and I bet several have noticed her behavior.

It sounds like you have done everything humanly possible. He knows he is making excuses for her. Maybe as more time goes on he will realize more. At some point, you may have to say to him, you would like a relationship with him, but it is going to have to be without her around. At professional dinners do you have an older friend who can help you? Frankly, I dont know what I would have done if someone's SM started having the conversations you refer to, but if I were warned, I think I could divert it better.

Yes, Sylvia. She would make a scene. I have seen her do it to other people, she will start crying or do whatever she can that she thinks will make other people feel sorry for her. The best that I have learned to do with her, is to ignore her. However, it seems lately she has started to get bolder. Possibly because I don't react to her antics at the family gatherings, I don't know.

Yep, Colleen. They can be anyone in any family. However, I think even sitting her down with the siblings and my father will not get anywhere. First of all, I doubt my father would agree to that, he is very non-confrontational. And then, it would be just my word against hers....my siblings mother. They side with her in everything. They don't remember when she would lock herself in her room, or not buy groceries or make them wear dirty clothes. Mostly because I did all of that for them, so they don't have to remember. So, it would just come down to he said - she said.

it is terrible, the only thing you can do is to avoid her. i doubt she will change, just stay away. awful woman. sorry you have to have SM like that.

I like the theory behind Sylvia and Sweeby's posts. I really do think calling her out on it may be the only way to shut her down . . . if that is even possible. Maybe one good embarrassment would be all it would take for her to know you are on to her? I would do this with family though.

There are some people in this world, my SD's mom being one of them, who seem to have this amazing ability to take fact and make it fiction. For example, you can tell SD's mom "SD needs to be in bed by 9:30" in front of 10 people. When you ask her the following day why SD wasn't in bed at 9:30 in front of those same people she would look annoyed and say "you told me she could stay up as late as she wanted" like she completely believed what she was saying. W-w-what? We've learned that no matter how many times you call these types on something unless they actually know they are lying to begin with it does no good. There is no embarrassment because they truly believe they are telling the truth. If your SD is one of these I just recommend finding a nice sturdy brick wall you can bang your head into.

I meant SM, not SD!