FIL passed away yesterday (long)

17 years ago

I'm so surprised by my own waves of emotion.

I hate to admit he hadn't been a very good father to DH so when I came into the picture I already had a preconceived opinion of the man. I never really allowed myself to get close to him. He wasn't a very present grandfather to our boys in their early years.

Around eight years ago he suffered a stroke that left him with weakness on his right side and effected his short term memory. Eventually the result of his stroke and his diabetes made him in need of assistance. DH and I moved him to our little town so he could maintain his independence and still have our help. He didn't want to live with anyone. We spent almost four years going to his house multiple times a day to do his meals, insulin injections, giving him his meds, taking care of all his personal and emotional needs. After the parent/child rolls reversed, I became attached to him, and even though I had days of resentment over not having the freedom to go places with my kids and see my own family, I became very protective of him and his care.

Eventually he got to where he needed constant supervision and aid so last June we made the decision to move him to a residential care facility in Southern California. Closer to his mom, brother, and one of his daughters. It was such a difficult decision, but he was getting excellent care and attention. I think we should have done it sooner, I actually think it would have been better for him. But he didn't want it.

Today I am sad for my husband and I am sad for my FIL who got cheated out of the life he really wanted because of poor health. But I am also happy for him because he is finally rid of that body that failed him so completely. He was only 65

I hope he is off playing golf somewhere already.

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Comments (25)

des_arc_ya_ya
17 years ago
Aww...danihoney, you sound like a good DIL. I'm sorry for your family's loss and am sure that your DH appreciates all the things you did for his dad.

((danihoney))
nodakgal
17 years ago
(((Danihoney)))
I am so sorry.
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trinitytx
17 years ago
What a wonder kind daughter in law you are to have taken such good care of him.

I bet he will be sending you pennies from heaven soon.
Tell your DH to be on the lookout for them.

You two made his last years good ones. Without your kindness and decisions, who knows how it would have been.
Hugs
Trin
Vique_Pa
17 years ago
I think that is wonderful and very touching. My father in law passed away before I met my hubby but from the stories I hear, he wasn't a nice person so I don't know how we would have gotten along. Vique
junkyardgirl
17 years ago
I am so sorry! I'm sure he is out playing golf, and looking down missing you. It's so good that you could put bad feelings aside to care for him.
pattico_gw
17 years ago
So sorry to hear of this....

I don't know if you read this in my post yesterday of my friends sil passing...he added this poem...I had post removed.

This poem refers to the femine but you can put He in place of She.
\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\= Gone From My Sight \=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\= by Henry Van Dyke I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch him until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone" "Gone where?" Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!" And that is dying. patti
danihoney
Original Author
17 years ago
Thank you Patti (and everyone else) I did read this and cried and cried. It's beautiful. Not to sound morbid, but my own fathers time will come and I think I'll keep this for him. He was a Navy man and he has had a sailboat my whole life. It seems appropriate. I wouldn't change it to she because it literally represents a ship and only metaphorically represents dying. It's perfect the way it is.

Thank you
grammahony
17 years ago
(((((Danihoney))))) and DH, I'm sorry for your loss. I too think he's playing a round of golf. Probably with my dad. I found a penny yesterday. Face up.
Leslie
Linda Wayman
17 years ago
(((Danihoney and DH)))
I am very sorry for your loss.

Linda
tami_ohio
17 years ago
Dani, I am sorry for your loss. You have my sympathy and prayers.

Tami
nicki_in_niles
17 years ago
I'm sorry you and DH are facing this. Sending big hugs to you!
chattypatty49
17 years ago
So sorry for your loss.
donna37
17 years ago
Condolences to you and DH
justlinda
17 years ago
Bravo to you that you were able to take care of him for as long as you did. Condolences to both you and your DH.
liz
17 years ago
Dani...I'm so sorry for your families loss...I think it speaks volumes the sacrifices you made for him and I'm sure it was most appreciated by him and more so by your hubster...

My sympathies to you and yours...
wildchild
17 years ago
Good for you for stepping up to the plate and taking care of your FIL.You're a good person Dani. The memories may be bittersweet but your loss is real. My deepest condolences to you and your DH.
caroline94535
17 years ago
(((((Dani and entire Family)))))

I am sorry for your loss, not only the loss of your FIL through his death, but the loss of the father, grandfather, and friend he could have been while he was here.

It's "easier" for us to love, care for, and mourn the loss of people so dear and connected to us we think of them as extensions of ourselves. For you to give this same level of care, concern, love, and mourning to a man who might not have known how to show his feelings, is remarkable.

You blessed his life. I wishing you many blessings in return.
caflowerluver
17 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
Clare
susanjf_gw
17 years ago
your post and thoughts are so much what i feel about my fil...i have become less resentful in the past few years and pray when his time comes, i have to courage to be as good a dil as you became...condolences to the family...
Zipper_TX
17 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss!

Hugs
sandra_maine
17 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
danihoney
Original Author
17 years ago
Thank you guys so much for giving me another perspective. I never really felt like I was a "good DIL" I just felt like it was the right thing to do and that DH and I were the right people for the job. He is a Paramedic and I WAS an Paramedic. We both felt that we were the most capable. That helped during those situations when my FIL had fallen and gotten injured or when his sugar got dangerously low, or when he set his stove on fire and filled his house with thick black smoke. A professional "switch" goes on and we got to work. It's all those other quiet moments when we just sat and talked that I think about now. He was a victim of circumstance and like a child at the same time. It was just like when I had and infant that needed me in the middle of the night. What else did he have?

The funny thing was he has two biological daughters, my DH was adopted and in the middle, neither one of us were related to him.

Thanks so much for your kind words, they really do mean a lot.
danihoney
Original Author
17 years ago
Man the typo's in that post were pretty bad. I should edit before I submit.
deemarie5500
17 years ago
You should be proud of yourself....you were a wonderful DIL. May he rest in peace.
Dee
Velleen78
17 years ago
So many of us have lost family members lately. We need to pray for all our KT family. God Bless

FIL passed away yesterday (long)

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