a BRIEF comment about your situation:

This post is so absurd, surely it is a test of our sanity and sense of humor, butt, back to your 'brief' situation.

Buy suspenders. Get several colours to brighten up the bedroom; To create a stir, include a big, red, wide pair like firemen use. These will hold up your drawers and pajamas. Reduces the chance of tripping during those late night trips to the bathroom.

When not holding up your lower clothing, suspenders can be used as low tension exercise bands. However, these are not strong enough to double for bunge cords for holding cargo to your bicycle or motorcycle. Don't even think about tie-downs in the bed of the pickup truck.

I know what I do with mine! When they get old and ugly, I simply take them on a planned trip. When I am done with them - off they go in the trash - bagged. I do this with pj's, old t shirts used under better shirts. Less stuff to drag home and there is room for souvenirs. You could take a trip to a city and hit the thrift stores...

I think the suspenders if your best option aside from buying new ones. Would work great for the pj's! A future option might be buying mens flannel nightshirts instead!

Jodi had a great idea, a "shower" for OJ. Just let us know your waist size and your address, I'd be happy to send you a bagful of Fruit of the Looms! FOTL!

Ditto, Jannie. Also, briefs or boxers? Email me the address.

Woo hoo! I can just see OJ's mailbox with underwear spilling out of it! You might want to let us know if you have a color preference, too.

I was laughing so hard I had tears, OJ. You, Cynic and Sleeperblues have made my morning so enjoyable!

And for sure Cap'n Commando, do *not* try using them for bungee jumping! Your loose underwear might land after you do! :D

And a big ol' dawg, like a Great Pyrenees or Newfoundland will certainly keep you warm too! But I'm sure a babe-magnet like you won't have any trouble finding some other options to keep warm! ;)

LoL, I love your sense of humor, Ed.
With the money you save on undies maybe you could buy the 2 spoil sports a sense of humor-just buy one and they will have to share it though-but that would still be way better than what they have to work with now.

I have a great sense of humor when there's a reason to laugh. All of you who think that this is one big joke, then you go ahead and laugh. But you're not laughing "with" OJ, but "at" him. He is not attempting to be a humorist here. Dave Berry he is not. OJ is dead serious about this whole underwear recovery thing. He's not telling a joke. He really, really wants to keep wearing his (I don't know how old) underwear. My opinion still stands.

And the state of his underwear hurts exactly who? I don't see any need for ridicule - it's his choice what he does and doesn't buy, and I think it's admirable that he saves money where he deems fit and spends it on charitable donations where he feels it'll do more good.

What exactly does "build the bulge" mean to hold up your worn out used underwear? I don't even want to go there - the mental image makes me want to (nevermind).

You are right - he's no Dave Berry.

Lindakathy, no one is laughing at OJ. He is definitely posting "tongue in cheek".

CB, you are a bad, bad, girl. That gif cracked me up!

Patti, glad I could make your morning:)

It's almost midnight, but it's never to late to have a giggle. LOL

Georgysmom, your comment really did make me ROFL!

Sorry Ed, but I have no better solution for you than what's already been mentioned. :)

Remember this?

"Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without."

Remember this, too!

"Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em."

In this case, don't bother folding 'em... or wasting your considerable brain power thinking about 'em. *I* sure won't be!

OJ, I think you might have a bigger problem. A couple threads are questioning whether you're even allowed to wear your tighty-whities after Labor Day... Not sure if Canada is allowed an exemption on this or not! Might wind up being the Canadian commando after all!

Does underwear that old still qualify as white? Just asking. LOL!!!

LOL @ cynic and adella!

Wouldn't it cost more to buy suspenders than to buy a few more shorts on sale? Or if he did use suspenders he currently has on hand, wouldn't that make him an object for people to laugh at. I suspect oj wants to wear the old undies till he dies. So spending more gas and money to repair them is the goal. One idea, Use wonder under (fabric that sticks on both sides when ironed) and some of the elastic on hand. Make sure you pleat your waistband on the wonder under and don't peel off the second layer of paper on the wonder under until you are ready to iron on the elastic. It may not make to much sense here but read the directions on the white wonder under fabric first. With a name like wonder under, it should do the job fine.

Ole Joyful,
You sure know how to tell a tale. I don't recall ever being entertained as skillfully as you have done it here.

I hope you will write about more of your dilemmas.

You are a good, good guy

I agree. I love everything OJ writes here. And I do think he's as entertaining as Dave Barry (not Berry).

Depending on the structural integrity of what's left of your briefs (and pajama bottoms), you might be able to cut holes around the what's left of the waistband and thread a rope, length of fabric or elastic through the holes. That way the elastic (or other belt) would not fall down since it's threaded through the garment (well, not without the underwear or pajama bottoms going with it!)

I saw this thread the other day and for some reason - I always love OJ - skipped it. I'm sorry I did now. It would have made the weekend even better! You rock, OJ. Youre much better than Dave Barry.

You could fold part of the waistband in, and pin it. Then eat as many cookies as you can to build yourself up. The added "bulge" around your middle and the nipped in waist band should do the trick!

Dances.

Dances, you are the winner. I love your answer and heard myself giggle.

Linda Kathy,

I'm not quite sure how old they are, either ... but my memory's not as good as it used to be. But, that said - what has age got to do with it? It's whether they can do the job ... or be amended without too much trouble or expense, that's the only issue that counts, isn't it? (And be "decent" - whatever that means).

I'd thought of cutting some of the elastic into shorter pieces and sewing them on several locations on each unit ... but that'd take quite a lot of elastic(!) to do a half dozen or more units, and I have to plead guilty to a slight case of laziness, I fear.

Not only that - the waistband between the pieces of new elastic would have so much strain placed upon them that they'd soon fail, wouldn't they?

Update time.

Along with other errands in town, combining some as is my wont, I visited the Dollar store the other day. Maybe I should confess that I wandered several aisles without finding my goal, had to ask where to go from one of the clerks ... who told me "where to go" ... to find the sewing supplies.

Got a piece of 1" elastic ... 36 " long: I think that I have a solution worked out to close the gap and save my getting either red or blue in the face. I think that using a piece of denim (if unconcerned about the appearance - though - who's to see it 'cept me?) should do the trick.

Do you figure that I should fold it over, using a double layer, for more durability and so that it wouldn't "droop" as much during manipulation?

On the other hand, I could use a piece cut from the corner of an old sheet, where it's still fairly durable ... but would I need to fold it over making about four layers, for the reasons mentioned above?

Anyway ...

... when I got home and looked into the box of sewing materials,I found a residual piece of the original elastic, and when I lay the used girdle (double)and it (single) out on the table, side by side, they were about the same length.

I thought that, were I to buy another piece of the 1/2" elastic, also 48" long, I'd have the material to make a new girdle, plus enough extra that I could add it to the newly-found short piece to make another.

In any case, as I considered the worn girdle, I thought how, though I'd sewn a piece of hook and loop (read "Velcro") into it, I'd never opened the piece more than once or twice, if that, so it had been unnecessary.

Then a bright idea struck!

Taking the scissors, I cut the piece of hook and loop out of the girdle, at first lapped the ends of the elastic about a half inch, but stretched the lap to about an inch and a half, and sewed it.

Voila! Retreaded!

It held my PJs up so that, as I walked around the house in the morning, no more tug and yank!

And it's been working well on the undies, as well!

As for "white" ... who's that casting aspersions at my (invisible) undies? They are just a shade or two off of the original white, I can assure you.

Here's an idea - I can take a couple of pair to church on Sunday and get Iva Mae to certify my claim!

ole joyfuelled

OJ, you can address your travails to me all you want, but after reading what you just wrote, all I can say is that if you really want to go through all that to salvage and keep wearing old, wornout underwear, then have at it. As a matter of fact I'm ROFLMAO! OK now?

You always look nice and neat on the outside, Ole Joyful. It isn't wnat's on the outside that counts, It's what's inside your heart that counts and you are one of the most generous person to others that I have ever known.

You are very generous in giving free advice when I ask for it as well. I'm very glad to have met you a few years ago.

Have a good day.

Hi iva mae,

There seems to have been a bit of an oversight, I note ... you failed to mention whether you'd be willing to act as underwear cop?

(Slack-midriff underwear still holding up - with the help of the retreaded/recycled [i.e. re-processed] girdle).

ole joyful

Does anyone remember how long ago the original story appeared? Was it two years? Three?

For a dollar's worth of elastic (plus tax) and another dollsr's worth of hook and loop, that turned out to have been unnecessary ...

... that seems to me like a pretty good bargain to keep a half dozen (or more) respectable, not ragged, frazzled and tattered, briefs in operation, doing the job that they were designed to do.

As for whites-only after Labour Day rules ... that's mainly in hoity-toity tennis circles, isn't it? Were I to attend such ... I could wear the new ones (supposing that anyone would know the difference).

o j

Well, we do have a couple hoity-toitys around here that were concerned about it! :)

But the thing I'm curious about is the underwear you son bought you to trade out. I take it that's sitting in a drawer somewhere starting to decompose? :)

If you want me to try to do something with your P.J.'s, I'll give it a try. I have a lot of scrap material that might work in.
The underwear is another story. I gave up on that long ago and watch for something that I like at Giant Tigers.

Does Bruce read this column, or Caroline? I'm sure Bruce intended you to wear the new ones.

Have fun.

He did ... and I do ... occasionally, when the occasion seems to make it appropriate.

Nanny98 ... I'm happy that I can keep you in stitches, as you say ... but, better be careful: I've been known to needle people, too.

As for the re-treaded girdle - it's holding up well, so far.

ole joyfuelled ... who's reported to have a rather quirky sense of humour: remember when I asked whether folks had been in handcuffs, and some suspected me of being about to recount sexually-related exploits?

Oh, joy! Oh, joy!

The tooth fairy, in the guise of Ive Mae, made my day, a couple of Sundays ago, when she gave me a small package at church.

When I opened it ... it turned out to be a piece of elastic ... even wider than an inch ...

... and, while not quite long enough to make two girdles ... I can use some of the excess to make a bridge for the 36 inch piece of inch-wide that I bought at the Dollar store the other day.

Which will preclude the dilemma of whether to use a piece of denim (whether doubled or so) or old sheet (whether quadrupled or so) to bridge the gap.

But ... apart from son ... I hadn`t felt the need to have others contribute to resolving my situation, so whether it had been a dozen ... or a dozen dozen ... new ones appearing in the mailbox ... or floating down from the sky, wasn`t the point, as far as I was concerned.

I`d planned to take some of the old undies, most of which are not ragged and are only slightly off-the-original-white for Iva Mae to inspect, to assure you all that they really are still respectable, apart from the miscreant (slash) aged elastic.

But, busily organizing the beans, tomatoes, broccoli, etc. to take ...

... I forgot to put them into the car: ``first things, first``, I guess!

As I often say ... life has its problems!

And, as a matter of fact ... I`m darned glad that I have very few of them, the real ones, in my life.

ole joyful

I did remember to take the plastic bag with the undies to church to get Iva Mae to check that (most of them) are not ragged ...

... and not holey/(holy?) ...

... and not far off-white ...

... so, whatever their age, it seems to me that the only thing wrong with them is the wide-ranging elastic!

Insofar as we were having coffee after church, sitting around a number of tables and Iva Mae and I were sitting at the end of one ...

... in the interest of decency, I dealt with the underwear myself, and quickly riffled through them, so Iva Mae didn't get a chance to conduct a thorough evaluation.

In the interest of full disclosure, I had included (one?) that was ragged ... and she did get a good look at that one.

Just thought that I should bring you all up to date.

ole joyfuelled

P.S. The original elastic, now shortened some, is carrying on beautifully!

It is getting a bit discoloured, though - but what could one expect, after such long and faithful service (with infrequent washing ...

... now, how does that come about?).

Oh, yes: I'm usually wearing them when doing the washing.

Looks like I have a need for two ... and that need is about to be fulfilled.

All that I need do is get my rear end in gear ...

... and get that needle operational!

o j

When I consider the suggestion of suspenders ...

... have you guys *priced* suspenders, lately??

One pair o' them'd be far more than a new pair o' briefs ... actually, two or three pair!

Confession time ...

... the new elastics are sitting on the table ... looking up at me when I go by ... sort of accusingly ... for about three weeks, now.

Gotta get at 'em, one o' these days: need a replacement for the old one ... for wash day, if nuthin' else!

ole joyfuelled

Confession time (again)...

... still haven't got around to doing the sewing on those new elastics.

Plus ... when I got home with the new 1" elastic pack back in the fall ... I found that there was one already in the sewing box, that I'd bought earlier and had forgotten.

So ... now I can cut the wider one that Iva Mae gave me (months ago) to the right length and sew it up ...

... and I'm pretty sure that there's enough extra length on the piece that she gave me to bridge the gap in both of the 1" pieces, 36 inches long, to make them operational.

Now that the garden's (long) finished and it's cold and snowy ... maybe, unless I stumnble upon some other excuses, I can get some of that sewing done!

Too bad that I hadn't done it (much) earlier, as the arthritis in index finger, right hand, impedes its use somewhat: beyond the edge of the palm, it just sort of sticks out ... but the fact that the joint at the edge of the palm works well sure helps with the keyboarding.

Oh, well, as you've heard me say before ... "Life do have its problems!".

The nice thing is ... that, now that I have the snappy unmentionables to wear when out and about ... and a substantial stable of the stretchy ones to wear around home ...

... pretty soon I'll have enough to carry me through till spring when I can hang the wash on the outside line. And don't tell anyone that I have a couple or three strung across the basement ... but, truth be told, they're rather inconveneint.

Hope you all have a great New Year.

Oh ... and now I need some more help, if you don't mind.

Can you help me concoct a good enough story that I could use to convince my daughter to invite me down to Phoenix for a (ahem!) short vacation, now in the locally cold months?

Oh, right - she's only been at their digs for about three weeks in the last six months or so.

So much for that project, I guess.

ole joyfuelled

Ole joyful
You mentioned that there's a hole in the back of your
undies from sitting at the computer. I have a great
solution.....turn them around, the front hasn't been
sat on so they should last a bit longer.

Dolly

Tell her you'll trade all your old underwear for a trip.

Your underwear ain't stretching,,,your worrying your azz off over that silly piece of elastic...LOL

Tell her the truth - that the warm Phoenix weather will be good for your bones!

Or tell her that you'll house sit so she won't have to worry about an empty home.

Hi Dolly ms. Ambitious,

Trouble is ... the (fairly large, I must admit) hole being in the middle ... if I turn 'em around ...

... I have to worry about some of the equipment hanging out in the cold of this chilly house.

No - I guess that wouldn't be a large problem, as there's the long johns, sometimes with an extra set, and the pants to keep the necessaries in out of the cold!

Of course ... I could wear a second pair, right way around, to keep things in order.

That suggestion of having someone living in the sub-tropical house to deter vandalism, break-ins, etc....

... should cut some ice with the offspring, do you figure?

ole joyful

Thank you for a good laugh. You need to buy a sewing machine and learn how to use it. Sewing elastic on a pair of BVDs is easy.

Or you could buy some new undies. You might like them. They have improved a lot since the last time you bought any.

The last time Joyful bought undies? I wonder if that's ever happened! ;)

Given the situation that there's no elastic, I'm gaining the opinion that he's still utilizing the swaddling wraps from when he was born! :D

What are you talking about, cynic - there's a surfeit of elastic ... I've got enough to make *three* extra holder-uppers!

And ... I ain't about to sew any one of 'em to just one pair - when there's about a dozen others available that'll need 'em, in their turn!

It's such a nice day ... that I should be home doing a wash: hanging the clothes on the outdoor line today wouldn't be a mind-numbing activity.

ole joyfuelled

Hi Ole joyful
I have another idea.....:-)
Couldn't you get some huge leaves
and wear them like Adam did?

Dolly

I do believe ...

... that medium sized leaves'd take care of the necessaries.

But ... get dang cold in winter ...

... or get fractured by the long johns, pants, etc.

o j

Thread-killer, again, it appears.

ole joyfuelled

P.S. I have a sewing machine - came from son, when he got his Mom's back, that I'd been storing (and using, occasionally - you should see the job that I did on the ragged sleeve of a decrepit jacket that I wear around the garden, farm and in the shed, when working: don't want to get a good one hammered by the rough work).

But there's a problem.

I can't get a needle into the carrier on this one ... and haven't learned how to make a sewing machine work with no implanted needle.

As I often say, "Life do have its problems!"

o j

Newest update ...

... I did finally get around to sewing one of the new elastic free-flowing girdles the other day, when I anticipated a need.

I sewed (at one end) a sextuple thickness of hem from an old sheet to the yard-long piece of elastic from the dollar store.

Since I'd found that I'd never used the hook and loop (read "Velcro" substitute) on the original, so wouldn't have an option regarding length if I sewed the other end ...

... I tied it down with safety pins, till I got a handle on its tautness ... and my resultant comfort, as secondary issue when considering the main task needed.

Works - so far.

And another breath-taking piece of information learned on Sunday afternoon, when visiting my friend's house (who's familiar with this situation).

Telling me that he had earth-shaking news, he rose from his seat and demonstrated the latest thing in men's lower-level underwear ...

... a drawstring!

Who wouldda thunk!

Now ... why didn't I think of that ... and patented it: I'd be set for life!

Don't anyone tell the underwear maker, please, that, the elastic being the shortest-lived part of the underwear project ...

... that ones with drawstrings'll last much longer ...

... resulting in fewer sales!!

Or they'll deep-six the whole idea!

ole joyfuelled (with a bit o' help from a coookie or two, on occasion)