The part of your note that says "I decided long ago to never say a word" makes sense to me. Let sleeping dogs lie. I'm sorry your daughter overheard your conversation.

ditto OP

I agree it really is not up to you. Your mom could have been totally wrong, if there were some proof that was beyond reproach then possibly but not simply on a maybe from your mom. After all perhaps your sister never had sex with the other guy your mom said she dated. You certainly don't know. Way too much at stake for such an iffy slight chance.
Your daughter absolutely should stay out of it she has less knowledge than you since all she heard was hearsay.
Not something I think should have been discussed by anyone but the individuals who were actually involved.

Sorry, but it's not your can to open.

Leave it alone.
Insist that your daughter stay out of it, as well.

As long as there are no medical issues to be dealt with, I'd stay out of it. Whether or not your DD will decide to do the same, is up to her.

As for fairness to the niece- if it was my heritage, I'd want to know the truth even if it was really painful, but it would be sad to ruin whatever kind of relationship she has with her current father, should it turn out that he isn't her real father.

HMP! Why are you still talking about it, so much so that your DD overheard?

Don't start none, won't be none!

Quit talking about it!

I agree with the others. You need to leave this alone and stop talking about it. Your daughter needs to stop talking about it, too, before anyone else overhears and the situation turns into a REAL can of worms.

Oh, good lord! Toxic Family Secrets! They put wedges between family members. They're usually about some perceived 'shame'.

Talk to your sister. She's not the first young woman to have sex with more than one guy, or to identify the wrong father. She shouldn't live in fear of discovery IF she's lied. Owning the truth is healthier than continuing to play Let's Pretend with someone's LIFE.

It's wrong when a family thinks it knows something of vital importance about one family member and hides that fact from her. The person 'in the dark' usually feels there IS a problem, and may attribute it to all sorts of other things -- because she doesn't have all the facts.

And...it's possible your DM was wrong! Regardless, you are not sure, and you are 'keeping a secret'. YOU may even be the one 'in the dark'. Your niece may know the whole story, but not be free to talk about it! (See how 'secrets' build?)

My DH discovered in his forties that he was adopted as an infant. Every relative but one denied they knew. Some have since admitted knowing, but claiming they 'needed' to keep the secret. (The family was financially in thrall to his adoptive mother.) DH has no relationship with any of these secret-keepers today. How could he trust them?

Thanks for your responses. Don't worry, as I mentioned, I decided years ago to never get involved, and that hasn't changed, so I absolutely still intend to stay out of it. YogaLady, I am not "still talking about it so much..." as you assumed. I was discussing this with DH when my DD suddenly came into the backyard to find us, as she popped over for a visit and we weren't in the house. It has only been discussed with my DH (with whom I share everything) maybe three times in twenty years.

We were married back when I spent much time consoling my little sister who found out she was pregnant as a teenager, and was abandoned by the young man she said was the father. DH was as thrilled as me when eventually this man came back into my niece's life and has been a long distance father figure to her, ever since.

The topic only came up again recently because my niece's daughter was just diagnosed with kidney disease and there is the possibility of the future need for a kidney transplant. My niece's child does not have her blood type, so naturally the thought occurred to me that she might not have John's blood type either, which would obviously bring up questions. Hopefully it will never come to that.

I wish DD hadn't overheard, as now she feels saddened by the knowledge, because she says she would definitely want to know, if it was her. However, DD is very intelligent and thoughtful and assured me she also feels the same way about the matter as DH and me.

I just posted to see how many of you agreed with us that this can of worms should only ever be revealed by my sister, even if we might personally want to know if it were us. lt is obvious you all concur, thanks for easing my conscience.

I know someone who has done this exact same thing. I haven't seen this family for a few years but heard that the family has parted ways. I wonder if all was discovered and the guilt of the knowledge and erosion of trust took it's toll.
If you are ever asked what you knew about this, what will you say?

what chisue said, & even more so in this instance, since kidney disease can kill a person.

Should the young girl need a transplant, looking to the wrong 'relative' would cost valuable time.

I do wish all of you the very best.

Sorry, I just realized I miswrote "my niece's daughter" with reference to kidney disease and not having the same blood type as her mother. I meant "my sister's daughter" that is, my niece.

We figured out that if any medical reason ever comes to pass, my niece would no doubt discover whether John has the same blood type as her, if the need arises to seek out possible matches for a kidney donation. I know that if he also doesn't have her blood type, my sister would obviously have to discuss things with her daughter. There is the possiblity that my niece already knows everything, as chisue suggested.

If my niece isn't aware of anything, and she ever found out I knew but hadn't told her, I would have to say I only kept what her grandmother told me to myself, becasue it was mere speculation and could have done a lot of damage for nothing.

PS, I think you are exactly in the right frame of mind..

Hmm blood type though..
I don't know that it's that simple..my middle son does not have the exact same blood type as either of us.

It would go further in case of trasplant anyway..not just as simple as blood type. So it is possible that he could be a match with out being her bio father..

And the old ?? Could still be a mystery.

You open this can ...

.. you may get canned (without a pic of a worm on the label, of course).

o j

My Aunt got pregnant very young she married a guy (to be able to leave home). She told the world that he was the father. But her sisters and mom strongly believed that he was not, especially as my cousin grew up and was in no way anything like her husband. The marriage and the man were bad and they parted (two more kids later) still my aunt never relieved the truth to her son. And because it wasn't their place no one else said anything. Until the day his actual father went to him and told him the truth. To say the least my cousin was so very much hurt by his mom and I don't think to this day he has much to do with her. I don't know what he thought growing up or if he suspected, he did go through a health scare and his mom said nothing. His biological father thought he knew who my cousin was and where but did nothing until my cousin was an adult. They lost 30 +years which I think he regrets and I wonder if he could have helped my cousin through a lot of tough times because there was no good father figure in his life. For my cousin it was a good thing he found his dad, it answered a lot of questions and gave him something to belong to. In this case it was good the truth came out but your situation sounds a lot different. Would it really benefit your niece or just hurt a lot of people. Ignorance is bliss sometimes, and the truth may not be worth the knowledge . What if the other man is horrible? What would the other man do? The man who stepped up to be her dad stay or leave? Ultimately this information needs to come from her mom. Because her mom is the only one who knows the truth. And finding out from anyone else would just cause more hurt. Would your sister ever speak to you again? Unless your sister is not able ie dead or too sick to talk to her daughter about this I would keep my mouth shut.

You might tell your sister you feel burdened with this speculation of your mother's, and that you'd welcome *whatever* the whole story may be. You will have have opened this to the light, eliminating a 'family secret' between you and her. Where your sister goes from there is up to her.

YOU, though, must be prepared for *anything*. Your sister may have felt that "John" was the 'better man'. She may have wished he was the father instead of 'the other guy'. 'Other guy' may not be a great person. 'Other guy' could have forced himself on her. 'Other guy' might be someone entirely different from the man your DM believed to be the father. Many family secrets turn out to be pretty 'nothing', but some can be huge surprises. When you ask for the truth, you have to live with the truth. "John" -- or ANY OTHER MAN -- could have fathered this child.

One of the birthmothers I met through my group surrendered a child at birth because her DH didn't believe it was his. There was no DNA testing in those days. The DH's brother had forced himself on his SIL when he was drunk. (When this adoptee was found 30 years later, DNA tests proved she was the DH's child -- a full sister to the couple's other children.)

If it were me, I would talk to my sister.

At this point, because my niece's kidney disease is being controlled with just medication, I am not going to stick my nose in and try to fix anything that isn't broken. But if she ever needs to begin dialysis, a future transplant could be the next step.

Knowing that my niece doesn't have her mother's blood type, I'm sure the next logical move would be to see if John might be a suitable donor, since there are no siblings. If he is found not to be her biological father, I would then have the conversation with my sister and tell her I never brought it up before because I believe it is wrong to indulge in speculaton that can be harmful to many people.

I would assure her that if her daughter's medical crisis causes everything to come out in the open, no one in our family will judge her for incorrectly naming the wrong man as the father when she was a teenager. I would simply ask if she has already contacted the other man to explain the situation and see if he would be willing to help their daughter, if indeed he was her father.

I agree with the above posters. leave things as is. if the time comes for a kidney donation, then the truth will come out.
My husband worked with a man many years ago(again before DNA testing) who was contacted about being the father of a young girl. He told my husband, "Every child needs a father, and I am going to be a father to this child even if she might not be mine." I thought this was amazing.
Hopefully if it is found that the man is not the biological father, it will not change the bond they have developed all these years.

Let sleeping dogs lie (lay?) Physical resemblance means nothing. I have a cousin with brown eyes and dark brown hair, both his parents have blue eyes and light hair. Supposedly this is genetically impossible, but I learned in college biology class it is definitely possible (but rare). .There has never been a question of his parents' fidelity.

"The DH's brother had forced himself on his SIL when he was drunk."

Chisue - you mean he raped her? Wow! And the husband/wife gave up the child because it might have been the result of that? Oh my - what a terrible thing for that family! To be raped by a close family member and to lose a child because of it.

I hope they didn't chalk it up to him simply "forcing himself on her". Scary.

pickyshopper -- I'd want this settled well apart from any medical crisis. Also, think how you'd feel if someone came to you with such a double-whammy: You fathered this woman thirty years ago. She needs your kidney.

suzieque -- It was 'family', I guess. Forgive him and let the wife suffer the burden of the 'solution'. She was and is a meek person. Their priest suggested the solution of adoption 'to save their marriage'. This was 1950's era. People really believed you could surrender your child to adoption and forget about it. I HOPE it wouldn't happen today!

why are you looking back? Thats not the way you're going!

chisue, I agree that it would be a real double whammy to first find out you may have fathered a child over 30 years ago and then be asked if you'd be willing to donate a kidney if she is your daughter! My sister obviously wasn't thinking of how this could affect the other man when she named John as the father, if she was aware that he is not or might not be my niece's father. She'll have to prepare herself for any fallout if she ever has to contact the other guy.

If I knew for certain that my mother was right, I would have confronted my sister years ago to explain the dangers of lying or not being certain about the paternity of your child, when you name someone as the biological father. But because my mother had no convincing evidence, whenever she brought up the subject to me, I told her she should only be expressing her concerns with my sister and no one else.

I still don't know if my mother ever confronted my sister with her suspicions. Regardless, I've never considered myself to be 'keeping a secret' which implies to me that a known truth is kept from someone. I see it more as 'not spreading gossip' because there was no basis, other than suspicions based on 'looks.'

No offense, but . .... . . . .. this is SO not your business.

Your sister is still living, right? It's HER business.

Nice to have this forum for back and forth with different viewpoints. I know it's helped me sort out my own thoughts! If you're OK with storing this in the never-to-be-seen-again box, that's certainly up to you. (My never-to-be-seen-again box is "Mending"! It's near the "Ironing". lol)

littlebug5 no offense taken, we're of the same opinion.