Should I leave or stay?

16 years ago

am a 38 year old woman married to a 59 year old man for 12 years.We have a 10 year old son together. I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage and he has 2 adult children from a previous marriage. We relocated across country 1 year ago for his job(after my daughter graduated from HS) where I left my family, my home and my business and she left 3 universitites with full scholarships. I've not been able to find a job, get my business on track, nor do anything that I enjoy. My husband is now refusing to help my daughter with college, won't allow me to teach her how to drive in "his car" even refuses to allow her to use the printer for printing resumes to pay her school debt. He is very manuplative, controlling and talking to him without completely subordinating myself is out of the question.My mother has also recently been diagnosed with parkinson's disease, but she won't dare move out here with us not only because of the distance but with things be so imbalanced. Since I haven't been able to find work, I'm depending on him for everything. Should I stay to make my marriage work or should I pack up my kids and get the hell out?? Am I just being immature? I AM MISERABLE!!!!

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Comments (54)

gardenspice
16 years ago
I'm not understanding why your daughter did not stay and go to University, but that is an aside.

"He is very manuplative, controlling and talking to him without completely subordinating myself is out of the question."
Is this new behavior, same old behavior or has it been building?

I would find those conditions intolerable, but I'm not the long suffering type. I would say be thoughtful about your escape. Plan it and make sure you have some funding. You should probably consult with a lawyer who can best advise you regarding your rights regarding community property and custody.
I'm wishing you the very best.
lindyluwho
16 years ago
I'd be out of there ASAP.

Linda
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I want to thank you all for replying to my post. It was very generous of you to take the time to help me with this decision. You all made some great points for me to consider. Looks like we'll be putting it on the market but I thought I would address some of the comments in your posts at this point: Play up what 'spoke' to us when we bought it issue: That's gonna be tough. I dare say I do hate EVERYTHING about this place: but I know that can't be entirely true. Mostly is though! I'll give it that it has a pretty good floor plan and a nice neighborhood. Period. Why did we buy it? Well we had a list of things we wanted the new house to have and this one had many of them, when we looked at the list on paper and put checkmarks next to it, it looked ok. i.e. 2 car att garage, 4 bedrooms, office, screen porch, playroom...Plus basically had the square footage we wanted for our family of 5, a nice quiet neighborhood, and was in the school district we were trying to get into, which was our #1 priority and could close in time (#2priority). That's about it. Nothing of the actual house itself spoke to us, other than to say" you'll need to fix this , clean that, update this, repair that"....ad nauseum. It had been neglected by previous owners and showed its wear and tear but we thought it had the bones to work with and once we put "our mark on it, it would be nice" and we'd be in a good school district. I remember saying that. We had left a lovely new house that I had drawn the plans for and needed nothing done but was in a poor school district. After the move I sunk into a very deep depression which I have been able with much effort to scratch and crawl my way out of but as a result I think I'll forever resent this hellhole since it robbed me of a couple years when I was depressed. We have done a lot of improvements and in fact it is considered by most (not me) to be quite nice. It is nice but I am too emotionally tied to hating it to ever see it as really nice. We could stay and continue working on it since there are a few mre things we'd like to do. The only thing is the more we do, though in a way it helps, in another way it just reminds me of what a mistake we made by buying it in the first place. The $30,000 lost issue: I think I was referring to the fact that the market has depreciated by that much here so I was seeing it as a loss IF we move but I agree with the point that it's actually already lost! I had never thought of it that way. Thanks for pointing that out. The can we afford to move question: I'd say that's the million dollar question. And the answer is a definite yes but with some caveats. We'll be paid off here within 9 years. Oldest will be starting college in 6 years. If we move, we'd need to go back up to a 15 year mortgage and payments would be about the same as now. Yikes, I am very frugal and paying a mortgage for an extra 6 years is a tough pill to swallow. Tougher even than the Prozac maybe! We have lots of friends who have lovely houses and 30 yr mortgages but I can't handle that, though we could have one S W E E T !!! house if I could. Not in the cards for me or my DH since I hate debt. a 15 yr mortgage again will be a little tough to take but less so than living here where I'm unhappy. And you know what they say: "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Life is short issue: Sure is which is why we are planning on selling. It's a tough market and we're only willing to lower the price such that we can get a nicer place with a 15 yr mortgage. We won't go so low on price here that would necessitate us getting a 30 yr mortgage for any new place. That would definitely make me resent any new place such that I'd be in the same boat as now. Hopefully we'll get lucky and be able to sell with not too big a loss. So, have I mentioned that I have a lovely house to sell????? LOL
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User
16 years ago
Leave..
lydia1959
16 years ago
Why in the world would your daughter leave 3 Universities with full scholarships to move with you and hubby? You said she already graduated high school right? She could have gone on to school and lived in the dorm and gotten her whole education paid for???
I agree with this.

Could you leave your DH and move back to your old town and restart your business? If your mom lives there, maybe move in with her?

Hope things work out. Welcome to the KT!
mariend
16 years ago
Sorry, new poster, be careful. Yes she should leave--get legal advice to protect all
glassonion
16 years ago
Thank you guys so much for your advice. My husband wanted the entire family to move together and said that we would help her with school, now its a different story. Yes, I can move back to my home town and restart my business (many customers have been calling). We have a home there but being that he has no desire to be there (b/c I'm near my family) he is behind on payments and have recently filed a chapter 13. I'd like to go back, get my daughter in school, restart my business and my life with just my son, daughter and myself. When I told him yesterday that I would like to go back, he said fine as long as I leave our son and he would send him later after I've found a job and gotten myself established! He said that he would also pay the mortgage on the house. I can't leave my son this is his way of still controlling me. He later told my son that he can come with me but he will be giving up the house. My son (10 yrs old) was devastated and is afraid that the house that we love so much will be gone and we will be separated. I think it was very immature of him to have this discussion with a 10 year old child and not me. Can he turn the house in if it's in both of our names. Plus, we have a home in CA and property in GA. I only want full custody of our son and my home in AL. Is this asking too much?
country_bumpkin_al
16 years ago
You have 2 accounts/user names??
nicole__
16 years ago
Contact a lawyer "today"! Get half of everything as your walking out the door. Everyone deserves to be happy....
magic_arizona
16 years ago
Sorry but there are a lot of holes in this story.

Besides posting under 2 different names, Hubby was gonna pay for school but yet he can't afford the payments on the house and has filed for bankruptcy? Why would he volunteer to pay for school when she had 3 full scholarships? Has anyone priced 4 years at a university lately? I sure have.
orie
16 years ago
Burn rubber outta there!
sleeperblues
16 years ago
Sounds like you may get more information over on the stepfamilies forum. I agree, lots of holes in your story and it doesn't make sense. The whole bankruptcy thing is funky. People who file bankruptcy and don't need to really get my goat.
susan_on
16 years ago
Something weird here.
azzalea
16 years ago
I've heard this one before--a year or two ago. Can't recall if it was on this board or another. It was a long saga, controlling husband wanted her to give up her business and family and move far away. Should she? Shouldn't she? The details kept changing--as soon as several people offered good advice, there were a gazillion reasons why it wouldn't work, and more problems. The poster's name kept changing, it went on for months, and months.

Maybe this is legit, maybe not. I really don't know. And it could very well be a totally different person with a similar problem (problems are NOT unique in this world, really, are they?)

If it is on the up and up, OP--the best advice any of us can give you is this. Get yourself to a GOOD attorney and follow his or her advice, rather than the advice of strangers who really don't know you or the whole situation. You are in a position where you shoudn't be doing or considering doing ANYTHING AT ALL, until you find out what your legal rights and options are.

If it's not legit? We're probably in for an interesting few months as the story develops and starts to take some amazing twists and turns. If it's the other person, I remember reading before, she's very creative.

Either way, good luck with your problems and ventures.
glassonion
16 years ago
Sorry for posting on 2 different forums, after posting on the marriage forum, I realized that the kitchen table forum had more posters and needed some help right away. This is my first time ever posting on this forum, so I'm pretty new to the rules here. Nothing flaky about me nor the issues I'm facing. Just a woman in a bad situation and really would like some advice from what I presume is mostly women here. I posted on 2 different forums but NOT under 2 different names. My husband isisted that my daughter move out to CA with us b/c he knew that I would be worried sick about being so far away from her. I was reluctant to move her but he reassured me that she'd be able to get a scholarship in CA being that she graduated as Val and graduated with an AA degree in one of those accelerated programs. When I look back now, it was NOT a good idea moving her but I can't change the hands of time. He has recently taken over the finances and has NEVER been well handling them. Moving to CA has put us in a DEEP financial hole with 3 mortages. He refuses to give up the property in GA hoping to retire there and I refuse to give up the house in AL b/c that's where I'd like to retire and my family is there and we also have the house here in CA. It was against my advice that we move out here and especially purchase another home until we either sell or rent out the other two, but that went unheard. I guess the main thing is I have allowed (taking full blame) for him to control everything and haven't really had a say in this. When I express my concerns, he gets loud, aggressive and intimidating he's 6'3. So normally I back down and let him have the last word. I've prayed about this and wanted to do the Godly thing. I've left him before and vowed to be more mature in handling this better.
wildchild
16 years ago
Magic AZ is spot on.
jennmonkey
16 years ago
"I posted on 2 different forums but NOT under 2 different names"

Look at your own thread. The original post is posted by "birdhumming" and your next two posts are under "glassonion".
User
16 years ago
I posted on 2 different forums but NOT under 2 different names.

You DID post under 2 different names, your first post in this thread was posted by "birdhumming" and your second and third by "glassonion".
sheesh
16 years ago
I posted on 2 different forums but NOT under 2 different names. If that is the case, then who is birdhumming in the first post on this thread, glassonion?

I think this thread and any other posted by birdhumming or glassonion should be ignored. We're being made fun of.
User
16 years ago
Oops, didn't see your post jennmonkey, sorry. Looks like great minds think alike. :o)
sheesh
16 years ago
We all posted at the same time!
magic_arizona
16 years ago
Your husband cannot 'insist' your 19 year old daughter do anything. If she was smart enough to get 3 scholarships, she should/would have been smart enough to tell him to kiss her cheek.
And if you really cared about her, you would have sent her to school and told hubby to kiss your cheek too.
ruthieg__tx
16 years ago
You need legal counsel not advice from a bulletin board......
golfergrrl
16 years ago
Do you like chocolate? Got a favorite recipe? What did ya have for supper tonight? Wanna know if you should leave your husband? You've come to the right place. (I'm bored.)
missmaggierock
16 years ago
and be sure to have your dog fixed!!!!!
azzalea
16 years ago
New to this forum? then how come your profile for Glass Onion says you registered a year ago?
glenda_al
16 years ago
Kim Haas maybe? tee hee
mary_c_gw
16 years ago
I agree with most replies here - you're probably trolling, hoping to stoke your ego, or even get people to send you money.

But if this is real - what the hell!!?? How weak are you? Do you have zero self-respect? You let your daughter turn down scholarships? You're an idiot.

The most fishy part of your story is the "3 universities, full scholarships". There are lots of scholarships, and lots of financial aid out there, but your daughter must be something extraordinary to be offered a full-ride scholarship to even one university. 3 is pretty much unheard of.

Story full of holes = troll.
Kathsgrdn
16 years ago
Oh, no Glenda, Kim is dead, don't you remember? ; )
mariend
16 years ago
Regardless of who posted and what the story is/was, someone needs help and I hope she gets it. We have alot of good people here and sometimes the ones who really need it can't/doesn't get it.
suzieque
16 years ago
Hi - I responded to your post over at the Marriage Forum and you did reply to that and answered a question or 2.

I will tell you that I couldn't live the way you report. But everybody is different and we are hearing your synopsis of events. I'd suggest that your daughter see if any of those 3 universities will still take her, if that is, in fact, fact. Get her out of where you live and into a college as most 19 year olds are, and get her living on her own away from you and your DH.

You didn't respond to the questions about what your business is and why it isn't successful where you are now. You said that many customers are contacting you. Is it something that can only be done in that certain area? Can you do it on-line?

What the heck is going on?

Suzieque
cynic
16 years ago
After about 1/2 way through the original post I was wondering how many would be fooled and how long before a bulb or two would flicker.

Good for a laugh though.

I have a bridge for sale. Anyone wanna buy that too?
country_bumpkin_al
16 years ago
If I go to the Marriage Forum..my user ID goes with me. You had to have changed something when you came here, for your name to be different here than it is over there! Either that or your posting from 2 different computers!
country_bumpkin_al
16 years ago
Looks like a couple of weeks ago, you were planning on moving!???

Here is a link that might be useful: 2 Different Names AGAIN (OK..Not Names, Just Different Locations)
magic_arizona
16 years ago
Ohh Bump! You should be on CSI! LOL

This whole post is BS.
kris_zone6
16 years ago
Here is another post by glassonion.

Here is a link that might be useful: Another post by glassonion
ont_gal
16 years ago
oh FFS,"whomever" you are,humming or onion,walk away from the jerk,simple as that..then,once you figure out WHOM you really are,come back and let us know
susanjf_gw
16 years ago
well that was fun...better than watching big brother after dark, lol...

you know there are so many real women in bad situations, that need genuine thoughts, prayers, and the kind advice kt'ers are willing to give....

stick to your gardens...that will give you the answers You need...
suzieque
16 years ago
I've no idea whether this is a real situation or troll. But to the point of her profile saying she registered a year ago, she said, above, that she is new to this forum (Kitchen Table); she didn't say she's new to Gardenweb.
sheesh
16 years ago
You're being very kind, suzieque. If it's legit, why didn't she come back way upthread and clear up a few things? She would have received apologies from us cynics (sorry, cynic). Since she's been at GW for a year, she knows how things work around here, even if she hasn't lurked for a minute at KT. And under one of her names, she did in fact register that day. Fishy. Very fishy.
country_bumpkin_al
16 years ago
Hmmmm...Just a week ago, she was all concerned about the landscaping and needing help for a flower bed!

Here is a link that might be useful: Needs Help for Flower Bed
heather_on
16 years ago
Glenda, you do have a great memory! Kim Haas (wow that was years ago) The girl who supposedly had 4? young kids and she died (can't remember why) just before Christmas time and her husband wrote in hinting for some money to buy gifts for the kids. I remember the story slightly. Funny how no one could find the obituary notice or the story surrounding her death that should have been front page news at the time.
sue_va
16 years ago
Kim Haas? Would that be Kimmie, AKA Goldilocks?

Birdhummer/glassonion doesn't have the same pathos to her writing.

I don't think it is Kimmie.

I had Kimmie's web site bookmarked for a long time, but a while back I whittled my bookmarks down to just a few. The website has probably "died" now anyway.

That saga was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?

Sue
jannie
16 years ago
If you're still looking for advice, leave but talk to a lawyer first. You need to be able to support yourself first, Do you have any money or anything in your own name?
susan_on
16 years ago
I didn't realize Kimmie was Kim Haas. I remember Kimmie. I thought she left her husband (and kids?) for a guy she met on the internet??
lydia1959
16 years ago
Kimmie isn't Kim Haas. 2 different people.
heather_on
16 years ago
Yup Kimmie is a totally different person. Kim Hass got the boot very quickly from the KT once the scam was exposed. Someone called Kim's home and she was very much alive.
susan_on
16 years ago
Oh, glad THAT got cleared up! I'm not even sure I remembered the part of about Kimmie right.
glenda_al
16 years ago
Petunia??????
sue_va
16 years ago
I only remember Kimmie; don't remember anything about Kim Haas. That must have been while I was away from the KT for colon surgery and recuperation.

Sorry I missed that one.

Sue
hale_bopp
16 years ago
Oopsie poopsie!

Blessings!
Haley ::Ahahaha!::

Should I leave or stay?

Comments (54)

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