I assume the child support goes towards unnecessary purchases, like feeding, housing and clothing your Skids?

It's simple, really! Tell the therapist you don't have any problem with kids not getting what they need so that mother can do well.

Surely everyone agrees?

Silversword - That's exactly what I was thinking! She told the therapist that WE don't need the money. But even if we were loaded, how does that matter? If you have children and leave them, shouldn't you still contribute to their upbringing?

Sometimes I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. I was stunned when I was told that. I just wanted the opinion of people who aren't "biased".

I do not agree with the advice.

That said, I am not surprised that a *family therapist* would suggest that because his/her goal is to eliminate fighting, reduce tension and create workable solutions.

Anything that would introduce disharmony or threaten the fragility of this co-parenting relationship (which I assume is therapy's objective) would be seen as negative in the therapist's eyes.

I would surmise that your therapist thinks DH holding off on filing for child support, putting some good faith in BM, etc. would be beneficial to building trust, etc.

BUT as others have already said, these children need financial support from the non-custodial parent; if their mother is moving away, like OP stated, that is going to put much more of a monetary burden on DAD.

So it's not fair to expect him to shoulder that so BM can get on her feet.

I might have a different opinion if BM had been responsible all along, and this WAS a trustworthy, good co-parenting relationship. Extenuating circumstances do happen (ie--job loss, etc.) and I would hope in a GOOD situation, the custodial parent could maybe (assuming finances were stable!) say, "Hey pay me whatever you can for a month or two until you get back your feet."

but THAT is not the case here---so I do think your therapist is wrong.

REALLY?!?! Are you paying for this therapist? Because my first response would have been "Well, of course we'll have less money then - so surely YOU won't mind forgoing YOUR counseling fee, right?"

I can think of a circumstance where DH would agree to forgo CS - and that's if BM didn't pursue visitation. In our state, after six months of no contact/no financial support of children, it's "abandonment" and grounds to file for involuntary termination of parental rights.

Of course it would be different if BM were a good parent, if she were going through some serious problem like serious health problems, etc. etc. But moving away just to make herself happy? Not a chance. In what world are these people living where you get to just throw your responsibilities off onto others because they are inconvenient or unpleasant?

I'd like to quit my job and sit around reading all day... I wonder if SS and DH will be happy just so long as I am happy? Somehow I doubt it.

@love - you're right....We didn't look at it from his point of view. His goal is to improve the relationship between the three of us. Okay...now I see where he's coming from. But still, he's seen a million times that she goes back on her word. The therapist has caught her lying to him. It's easy for him to tell him to hold off. He's not going to be paying the bills.

@mattie - Yes we are paying him...lol I was actually the person to find him too.

The first time she left, she was gone for around five months and hadn't sent a dime and told him she didn't need to because he has a house, a good job, and a new girlfriend (that was me). It really is unreal. But when the therapist said we should hold off, I was amazed.

"We didn't look at it from his point of view. His goal is to improve the relationship between the three of us. Okay...now I see where he's coming from."

Exactly. That's his objective.

But I still agree with YOU that he's wrong. :)

If BM makes little money she probably will pay less CS per court order, but not filling at all is silly. Maybe dad does not need the money, but kids sure do, kids deserve extra support from the parent, CS is for the kids not for the parent. Therapist is nuts, change you therapist and file for CS.

I would tell the therapist that we pay for counseling from the child support & can he wait until she gets back on her feet?

It's one thing to hold off filing for support when something happens BEYOND THE CONTROL of the person that's supposed to be paying. They get hurt, they get laid off, their house burns down... but a voluntary move? NO.

Holding off on seeking support may accomplish a couple of things... from an emotional/psychological standpoint, it may be seen as a good faith effort to help her out until she can pay and help maintain cooperative parenting relations... but from a legal standpoint, it may not be in the child's best interest to waive their right to be supported by the absent parent... in fact, in some states a custodial parent is not allowed to waive the child's right to be supported, unless they demonstrate to the court that it is in the child's best interests & the child's needs will be sufficiently met without the support.

A solution would be compromise... agree to a lower amount of child support (below guideline) for a temporary period of 3-6 months that would allow mom to get "on her feet" but what if she never gets on her feet? When the temporary period ends, it jumps to guideline amount. Or get an order for guideline and agree to not enforce it for the temporary period with an agreement for her to make up those months by adding on when she starts to pay. There are lots of other ways to work it out rather than giving her a skate. It's harder to go back into court to change it than it is to make a reasonable agreement & stick to it. Making a temporary period allows her to know how long she has to "get on her feet" so she can prepare for it & also lets her know that it won't be extended... unless you renegotiate that agreement.

"His goal is to improve the relationship between the three of us."

& he thinks that strapping yourself financially because she moved away (deliberately, voluntarily, to keep from paying for her kids) will do that?

The thing with child support is that in our state it takes them forever to catch up with a person. She already knows this....when she moves she is full aware that it could take months before they find her. This always happens. To me, that's her grace period to get on her feet.

She hadn't been paying child support for well over a year and the court told her that she either needed to pay back the thousands in arrears or they would issue a warrant for an arrest. She showed up to court the day before the hearing and asked what could she do and told them she couldn't make the hearing the next day because she had to work. A court officer asked her where she worked and she refused to tell them because she didn't want them to garnish her wages for $44 every two weeks. When my fiancee went to the court the next day, the court officer was so upset he was practically foaming at the mouth to issue the warrant.

This is not a woman who would appreciate a grace period. She believes she shouldn't have to pay anything because he and apparently WE are more stable than she is.

"Our therapist asked if my fiancee could hold off on filing for support once she leaves to give the BM a chance to get on her feet. He has no idea how this move will affect my fiancee's finances and we cannot figure out why in the world anyone would advise this? "

I'm confused, does this mean that she is paying child support now? Just wondering because you wrote that she does anything to get out of it? If she's already not paying it now isn't it already affecting finances anyway?

Sorry just read your last post, so she's not paying now anyway. Sounds like the therapist focuses on reducing the conflict, as others have suggested. And if you have been managing without the support anyway, then that doesn't affect your DH's finances as it is. Therapist is probably thinking along those lines?

@yabber - Child support caught up with her and she now pays $44 every two weeks. If she moves 8.5 hours away, he will have the kids every single day and he has to work several weekends a month. She is supposed to have them three weekends a month, but has recently changed the schedule to about two weekends a month.

When she left the first time, he was able to manage without support until school costs practically tripled and he finally asked for help and was told no by her. There were certain things the kids had to miss out on because money was tight and I wasn't around to help because we had just started dating. Something like that could happen again... Even if he can manage without the support, I still don't understand how absolving someone of their responsibility helps anyone. It reduces her responsibility and just increases his resentment.

We're talking $88 a month here. This lady is about to pack-up and move herself and her belongs 8 1/2 hours. I will assume she has money for the move? I assume she has a job lined up for when she gets there? She's planning on being 'happy' so happy people normally have all these little details all worked out before they do things like hop in a car and drive off 8 1/2 hours away. If not, what exactly is going to make her 'happy' with this move? How is she going to support herself?

In my state, CS paying parents can file temporary stays on ordered support when unexpected hardships arise (sudden loss of job, illness and such... I doubt self happiness is one of the conditions). It does not make the ordered payment go away nor be forgiven, it just delays having to make the payment for a time. It's has to be filed and court approved. Also in my state this BM would be looking at losing her driver's license if she failed to make payments and had failed to file relief/modification.

My state has gone to making life not quit so much fun and/or easy if one choses to not make CS payments. No driver's license, if a license/cert is needed to perform a job it is denied until arrangements of CS is in place blah blah. The state is cracking down. It's fairly recent here but it's working. A deadbeat Daddy can't get a hunters or fishing license without paying his ordered support...little things that affect the deadbeats own life suddenly makes a deadbeat remember he/she has CS to pay.

I get the 'but so and so does not need the money'... but are not these issues considered and gone over before the support order amount is in place? Until and/or if an order is modified, it is a legal order due and payable. If this BM needs a modification in amount and/or desires to temporarily cease payments, it should be done legally. I think asking OP's DH here to waive ordered support by just a mutual private decision could come back and bite somebody on the buns.

As said above, I can see how this may be a valid suggestion under certain circumstances.

There are many things a therapist may suggest to their clients and there is not a "one size fits all" remedy. It is the job of the therapist to know the client well enough to suggest things that will work in their particular situation.

Which, I feel, was not done.

Steplady... $88 a month? Are you FREAKING kidding me?

I thought about this last night and decided that if the counselor is aware of the back story (BM not paying CS) and still suggested giving her time off while she gets "back on her feet", I'd find a new counselor. I understand that counselors are trying to help everyone to get along, but s/he understands that this woman is never going to get back on her feet but will continue to shirk her responsibilities, then the proposed solutions for getting along are going to be more equivalent to you and your fiance bending over and taking it..., to be quite crass.

@justmetoo - She did everything in her power not to pay the $88 a month too. It's not much but it helps, especially now that he's put them in karate and gymnastics.

She is currently trying to do everything in her power to get him to not file for an increase in support when she leaves. The $44 every two weeks is based on a schedule that she doesn't even follow currently. She called up our therapist to try and get him to convince my fiancee to go along with it.

As far as her move, she claims she has no money saved (even though she has been living with someone who was taking care of her and basically the kids when they were with her for a full year). She doesn't have a job lined up down there and she said she is going to be living with someone when she gets there. I don't think she really has a plan at all...and if she does, the kids are not a factor.

@Silversword - Yes....$88 a month. She actually is supposed to pay more since she changed the schedule and sees them less, but my fiancee hasn't filed a motion for it since she claimed it had to do with the schedule at her job.

And get this, when she said she could no longer keep them for the time she was supposed to, he said to her that he has to work every other weekend and with her new change, he would have the kids on his free weekends. He complained about being tired and wanting to rest on the weekends because he does physical labor at his job 5 days a week and every other weekend, comes home, either picks up dinner or makes it, feeds the kids and then takes them to karate and gymnastics Monday through Thursday. Her response? I didn't tell you to get them involved in that stuff...that's your problem.

@mattie - You're right. He's said some other things that were a little off the wall. I complained to him that it was unfair that our lives and schedules are always at her mercy and that we constantly have to pick up her slack. He told me it was fair because she's not "well" and we are and we have the capacity to make better decisions.

I understand that there is probably something wrong with her, but that doesn't make it fair.