step sisters

23 years ago

Anyone have suggestions. Me and my step sisters live in the same city as our parents (deceased parent on both side). My siblings don't live in the area so they don't come to gatherings.

I was very close to a step sister for years, but there has been a lot of baggage in the past. Three times now this particular sister has quit talking to me other than very small talk, won't ever tell me why (after a year or two we finally end up talking at my initiation). It is not my choice she simply will not talk about things. She will make comments like "because I just don't want to" and that is the extent of her communication. I also happen to know she has avoided situations with her natural sisters and not gone to showers etc becuase of past anger.

Well, now she has become buddies with a sister she didn't care for and had lots of anger issues with. When we are all together it is very apparent she buddies up to her and excludes me. I have invited her to a couple things to try and break the ice and she always has an excuse. This all started a 11/2 years ago when I asked her to lunch and she told me she didn't have time, and never reciprocated when she did. It is very obvious she doesn't want to spend time with me by many of her actions, but I really don't have any idea why, which is normal. The reasons she has been mad at me in the past are basically that for one reason or the other she feels I dont spend enough time with her, however her way of solving that is to put more distance between us.

She seems to be the "great pretender" when we get together for family gatherings. My husband says it doesn't seem to bother her at all, and it really doesn't. It eats me up to have unresolve. It also feels really funny to me to pretend there isn't anything wrong and chat as such, when everyone in the family has to notice we don't seem to do anything together anymore.

I feel angry and hurt and don't know how to deal with this. It seems to me she hold all the control and power when she plays this game. I'd like to know how you all might deal with this if it was you. No...I'm not going to get into a shouting match or tell her off, even though I sure feel like it.

I just need to konw how to deal with it, because my response is to retreat away from the family so I don't have to deal with her. I get along well with the step mom and have a good, though not close relationship with the other two step sisters. If my natural siblings were with me it would feel more comfortable but they live a long ways away.

Look forward to hearing from you all!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

teeweeone
23 years ago
I am wondering how old all of you are? just curious..I have two step sisters we are all in our early 30's. About 10 years ago my step dad had a retirement party where the younger step sister got very very drunk and made a scene. Our parents were gone. She was saying this like you and your mom are two peas in a pod..your mom likes you better than us and on and on and on. My mom had a conversation with her shortly after and she told my mom that it bothers her that we talk about our careers (since at the time she didnt have one)..The older step sister and I have never been really close because she is very snoody apearing but, now I realize very insecure. Their mother died when they were teenagers. Fast forward 10 years...she got married last year and asked me to stand up in her wedding. I was not really sure why she was asking me we were not close but, I did not tell her no because she is a very nice person. About 7 months ago I started dating their best friend and we are still together. Since we started seeing each other she now has to tells everyone at every family function how they are the favorite. Mind you we are in our 30 our parents in their 50's and my mom and step could care less about the favorite garbage. I find the whole thing so silly and it shows her insecurity. I have to wonder if it is because my mom is the only mom she has had since her mom died? Anyway, my point that I am trying to make is I think that there is always some competition with families. I know alot of families that have it among sibilings. I do not have this with my bio brother. If your step is the way you say she is..than you are not the only one to know this.. As I said I have 2 sisters. The older one plays these games with her younger sister. My younger sister will rant and rave about her sister. My response??? Why do you let her bother you? Why does your step keep this up? Because she can sense it is bothering you.. Forget about her girlfriend...Once you stop letting it bother you she will get bored... My step will call my mom, step dad and step sister and get them all going.. She never calls me...WHY?? because their is NO reaction here to the nonsense... Just try it for a little while. You will hold the ball in your court you just dont know it. I know you would rather smack her in the head lol...believe me I have been there...a smack is 2.3 seconds from start to finish. Not letting her bother you anymore...PRICELESS!! ok that didnt make sense but, it sounded familar. Please let us know what happens. good luck
RosieL
23 years ago
Some people will have problems in family relationships whether they are steps or not. We have a cousin just like the one you described. She blames everything in her life on the past instead of accepting her culpability for her choices, etc. Don't get yourself into the middle of her problems. Treat her nicely without getting into her face about anything. You can't force a relationship. She may not want a closer relationship ... with ANYONE. Why do you have such a need to be closer to her and resolve issues? You have your own life. Why do you feel the need to retreat from the family? Sounds like that is some issue of your own that you need to deal with.
Related Discussions
Normal relationship?
Q
Comments (2)
Well, first of all, you sound like a nice, young lady - open to suggestions from others and willing to change, but never forgetting from where you came. My hat's off to you! With respect to your stepbrother, it sounds a little like he's jealous that you have somewhat of a new life. I think his running to a "friends" house was a bit of a tantrum. I would keep reaching out to him and assure him that we can all use more friends. Should stepsiblings and siblings be best friends? Well, why not? The one thing I've learned in life is that you can never have too much unconditional love in the world. I think it's great that you've blended so well thus far. He's going through some growing pains and probably doesn't know at the moment where he fits in - regarding life, the family, your life, etc. Give him time and he'll come around. Things do change and our former "best friends" can one day seem like strangers - conversations that once flowed freely are awkward and filled w/ gaps of silence. Try to keep the lines of communication open - seek his advice, vent about work-related problems, dating, etc. to him and he feel important. Good luck!
...See More
I don't want anything to do with my dying deatbeat dad?
Q
Comments (6)
My Dad was an abusive alcoholic. Not to put too fine a point on it, it was a tremendous relief when my parents divorced when I was 13 and he left. I had no contact from him after that, not that I was bothered. Then, when I was 16, I had finished school and was spending a year travelling. Since I would be passing through the city in which my Dad and his new wife lived, my mother insisted I should at least visit him for an hour or two between landing on the plane from home and boarding the ship for overseas. I didn't particularly want to but my mother was a hard person to argue with. So, he and his new wife picked me up from the airport and took me to their apartment for afternoon tea. It was awkward. I was too young to really ask the right questions. Like, why did you hit me? That said, he was so locked into lying about everything I doubt I would have got a truthful answer. New wife had some adult children from a previous relationship who were older than me, who apparently would like to have met me but were unavailable. So I had to speak with them on the telephone, again an experience I wasn't all that keen to have. They chastised me for being an ungrateful daughter: according to my Dad he had been sending me birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, money, the whole works, and not once had ungrateful me replied or sent thanks. This was more fantasy on Dad's part: I never received anything and have no reason to think that my scrupulously honest mother would have prevented me receiving anything that had been sent. I disabused them of the fantasy. Eventually our awkward afternoon tea drew to a close and they took me to my ship and I left and never saw him again. When he died some years later I reacted to the news with total indifference- he was out of my system. I think this was due to my mother insisting on our final meeting, I got to see him with more mature eyes and process my feelings about him. So, I think you might consider at least one meeting with your father.Ask him any questions that have always niggled (and there are always niggly questions after the end of any relationship). If you suspect he is being fast and loose with the truth, let him know you're not interested in hearing BS. But I do think you'd benefit from hearing him out, even if you decide afterwards never to see him again. At least then you won't have any "what ifs" that can never be resolved after his death, wondering how things might have gone if......they are the hardest things to deal with after a person dies because then there is no hope of there ever being a resolution.
...See More
Is it better when step kids are Older or Younger?
Q
Comments (19)
Bonnie, It only gets better when they get older if they are taught from the beginning HOW to behave properly. If they are allowed to treat people like crap, they won't wake up one morning & realize they shouldn't act that way. However if the parents are drilling into them to treat people nice, they may wake up one day & realize the parents were right. Usually it happens when they become parents themselves. (and maybe they appreciate or realize how hard it is to be a stepparent when they become one or see a situation that opens their eyes to it) As you can see in other threads, every kid & every situation is different. I read Pseudo's thread where her SD has an about face & now wants to be "friends" with Pseudo after years of animosity. My first inclination is that the SD is going to use her "friendliness" with SM as a weapon to hurt a mom she is angry at, rather than an epiphany that she now realizes how great SM is and loves her for it. I'm not saying she doesn't realize how great Pseudo is, because she does realize Pseudo doesn't treat her as bad as her own mom... but in my opinion, it's more likely a manipulation. My point is that kids do get older & figure things out, form their own opinions, and maybe even stick up for themselves.... but do you really want to go through what Pseudo is going through? Or JustNotMartha? Or me? or any of the other SM's that are in similar situations? We all had the best intentions, have given endlessly & ended up, in one way or another, stressed out & frustrated. and the stress takes it's toll... on our relationships, physical health, mental health, and quality of work. I'm envious of those that can toss back a few drinks, even though I abstain from alcohol because my mom is an alcoholic & I have health problems I don't want to make worse... but I've been on medication, take stress management, go to counseling, and have gained weight because I'm a stress eater. For me, it just keeps getting worse. My SD is 12 now. She knows her mom is full of BS. She knows all I've done for her. But, there are people in their 30's, 40's, and older that can STILL be manipulated. There is no magical age where that ends... it ends when a person decides they are being manipulated and no longer wants to allow someone else to manipulate them. My SD's grandma is in her 70's and still allows BM to tell her what to do. That is what dysfunction is all about. Perhaps there is something in your past that draws you into the situation because that is where you're comfortable?
...See More
Update on new situation
Q
Comments (28)
Lmao! No doubt! Basically we have this therapist that is a 'conflict resolution' therapist. SM and I have seen her a few times and what we talked about are how we are different at the same time we are a lot alike. 'supposedly'. I don't see it really but at the time we realized a lot of our 'goals' in parenting are the same. The problem lies in SM seems to want to forget that I even exist while DD is there. I have never wanted that for BD. DD has pictures of BD in her room. She has a photo album that I made during our seperation of a of the photos of her and BD from day 1 and up. His family, anything that revolved around BD but it excludes me. One of my goals while making it was so DD could have her dad in pictures whenever she wanted without a constant reminder of the family we use to have but to remind her of the father she still has. If that makes sense. They have sent pictures over the last few years and I add to it as they send them. DD is very much an out of site out of mind child. She doesn't really ask about Dad when she is with me and they say she never asks about me when with them. Instead of them seeing that as 'normal' they see it as well she doesn't even think about me at all so she must not need me or want me. I don't think that way? And I don't think it's the case. It's simply out of site out of mind and there isn't anything wrong with that. If she were worried about me or thinking about me constantly while with him, I would be worried. But what it tells me is she is happy and can function outside of my care. It tells me I did a good job giving her independance and I am raising a healthy happy child. I am not sure what we will accomplish but we are supposed to work out a co-parenting plan and come to agreements on raising, what is important regarding house rules and behavior. We found we are very similar in that regard. We have the same expectations for behavior and chores, school work, respect and so on for each of our own children. The only difference is although those things are similar regarding our biokids, sm seems to have different 'higher' expectations for my DD. I so wish the tables could turn on her for a moment. I Would never wish an angry, lunatic sm on anyone but I would love for her to have to deal with these same problems regarding her own DD. It may open her eyes a bit. If she had someone doing this to her daughter she would probably go WOAH hold on! She told me her ex does not have a girlfriend so she doesn't have to deal with this. But I am thinking one day, he will meet someone and this will all turn her world upside down. I am not a stepmom but I am married to a stepparent and I have stepparents and they all recognize boundaries especially when it comes to respecting the child's bioparents as the PARENTS. The way I look at it is steps are an added bonus. More people to love!! Shouldn't it be so much easier to have a family of four parents than just two? That means more hands and more support - but it sometimes also means more opinions and more negative energy. The one thing I would like to say to SM if it ever came up but I know it won't.. Is: the insecurities you are feeling regarding me stem from you beginning a relationship with a man who still had a wife and still loved his wife. The man was so confused at the time and was in a tug of war of two women who loved him. She didn't break up our marriage, it was already broken, we weren't living together but we were still trying to work it out. I do not think it is always the case but in my experience and knowing others that deal with this, when you begin a relationship with someone still attached to someone else, you have insecurities and it takes a lot to overcome them. When children are involved and you have a constant reminder of the other person that makes you feel so insecure and they won't ever go away as long as you live.. And you are still with that person. Of course that is just my opinion. We have our first meeting next week...
...See More
nadastimer
23 years ago
I was thinking that this all doesn't have to be family related. Is your step sister just this way with everyone in her life? She may just have a problem and can't relate to others or get along. It doesn't necessarily have to do with you or the fact that you're her step sister. Honestly, is she worth all your time and grief to get her to accept you? If she were your friend would you try to be friends with her or move on? Would you even try to be friends with her in your every day life if she wasn't your step sister? Sometimes we have to just try to be civil at family get togethers or whatever but can't be close to the person no matter what. I've tried to be close or a least civil with my one SIL but it doesn't happen...at least not for very long. She mostly is your friend when she needs something or to find out something she can run and share with others but most times this woman pretends I don't exist (to the point where she doesn't look at me or acknowledge I'm in the room so she'll cut me off or talk over me like I'm not even there). So it's easier to just avoid her and only be around her when I have to then to try to be friends. I've accepted this and really, my life is a lot more peaceful. Hope thing work out for you or you find some sort of peace in this issue. It's too bad that everyone in our lives can't be nice and willing to get along but there are just some people who won't and we have to accept that.

~Leslie~
ponderinstuff
Original Author
23 years ago
thanks for the advice everyone. I don't know why her approval is important to me. I've asked myself that many times as well. We all had a very rocky road the first 4-5 years that our folks were married. This sister and I got close when our kids were born. I guess I just figured we had gotten past all the "stuff". We are in our 40's now.

She does have lots of friends. She is the kind of person that is always doing nice things for people. I believe the motivation is approval, but still it comes off like she's the best.

I really do love her and miss things about our relationship. On the other hand if she was not family I would not choose her as a friend because she refused to work things out, which is a quality I don't care for. If this had happened one time, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but this is the third time. The question about asking if I'd choose her for a friend was helpful, I'll hang onto that. I can be friendly without being close. I guess I'm going through grief of a sort and it just feels a little overwhelming to me right now.

thanks again, I'm glad I stumbled onto this board. I really needed you all this season!

step sisters

Comments (4)

teeweeone

RosieL

Related Discussions

nadastimer

ponderinstuff
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

step sisters

Comments (4)

teeweeone

RosieL

Related Discussions

nadastimer

ponderinstuffOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

ponderinstuff
Original Author