My son's SM insisted that he call her mom at their house. It bothered me but I never made an issue of it. My son knows I'm his mom & while it bothered me, I never even asked him if he wanted to or not. I guess at the time, if he wanted to he might have told me he didn't because he didn't want to upset me or if he told me he did, I might have been hurt so I guess in a way, I never really wanted to know. There was nothing I could really do to change what they did in their house & making an issue of it would have put my son in the position to be in a no win situation. If he knew it bothered me & continued to call her mom, then he might feel guilty about it. If I "won" & they stopped having him call her that, then it might have affected how she treated him. Just to be clear, they were not nice people & nothing they did was about my son.. it was all about starting crap with me so I let a lot go since I could not change the fact that as the father, he had rights.

With my exBF's kids, they were all young (20mo., 4, 6) when we got together. They called me mom for a while because their BM left & never saw them. One day, their BM's mom (grandma) overheard them call me mom & yelled at them, telling them they have a mom.. I'm not their mom. So, after that they called me by my first name.

With SD11, she also lives with us. She calls me by my first name when she's not completely ignoring me.

and now I have guardianship of DGS, he's 20 mos. old. He has begun to call me mom but also various forms of gramma or nana. I don't encourage or discourage anything he calls me (except I do refer to myself as gramma) His BM (DIL) is very upset about it but she also chooses to see him a couple of hours every few weeks.

Personally, I'd listen to your rational side. Even if your DD does not want to call her mom, if she forces the issue it will be on her when your DD begins to resent it. That kind of relationship cannot be forced & irregardless of my son calling his SM "mom" for several years, it did not create a parent/child relationship. (He's 23 now & recently told me that he'd like to see his half brother but the only way he can is to see his former SM so he doesn't see his brother because he doesn't want to see her) In fact, it may have done the opposite because now he gives up seeing his own brother to avoid seeing her. They will make their own choices eventually so all you can do is be her mom & know that she knows who her mom is.

Forcing a stepchild of any age to call you Mom or Dad is, in my opinion, just wrong, wrong, wrong. If SM doesn't like the informality of being called by her first name than she can come up with an alternative title, but to demand "Mom" - after years of a restraining order! is just concerning. I'd address this (yet another thing) with the counselor.

"This tells me what a Great job I have done that DD has so much love in her heart... " Indeed it should.

My SS calls me Mom, but that was and is his choice. In fact, he came up to me at the end of our wedding reception and announced "Now that you both are married, I think I'm going to start calling you Mom." (We had all been living together already - something I swore I'd never do, LOL!) He hadn't said anything to DH ahead of time either so we were both surprised. SS does not remember ever living with BM, which probably influenced his decision.

BM is not happy with SS's decision (although she was still Mom or Mommy as well, she's starting to turn into "my mother") and so SS's counselor and I have both tried to gently tell him that I will be fine with whatever he calls me; that it's much more important that he not get screamed at then whatever he calls me - but he has been adamant about my being called Mom.

I call both my SF and SM by their first names. My SM was non-custodial, and I was a (young) adult when my mother remarried, and I had a mom and dad already. (Neither one ever requested or demanded that I do so either.) I've been known to get cards that say "To Mom and Dad" for the sake of the sentiment inside, since "To Mom and Her Husband" seems a bit removed, and sometimes a call on Mother's or Father's Day to the step (they both have bio children so they are mother and father no matter how you look at it) but that's about it.

"Forcing a stepchild of any age to call you Mom or Dad is, in my opinion, just wrong, wrong, wrong. If SM doesn't like the informality of being called by her first name than she can come up with an alternative title, but to demand "Mom".... "

You said it Mattie.

My DD calls my DH "Papa Silver" sometimes, but not to his face. More in reference to him. She'll also say "my dad, you know, my step-dad?" but she is very clear who is her BD.

I don't live with my SD, nor do we have an extremely close relationship (she already has a mom). She calls me Silver.

It burned my DH's hide that she called her mom's long term BF "Dad"... and now they are split up and she calls him by his first name instead. That must be hard, to go from "dad" to ___________.

Yes, it should be up to SD. If she's comfortable with SM enough to call her mom, I think it would be healthy for you to let her do so. If she's not, I say take out your mama bear claws cause someone's messing with your cub.

My SS (8) calls me by my first name, has ever since he was two. :) He has a SF (his BM's husband) and he also calls him by his first name.

DD calls my DH "daddy." Her bio-dad is not in the picture. She called DH by his first name for years and then right after we got married, she just SWITCHED. With not a word, and no warning---just DADDY.

It was, I admit, very strange at first and DH and I both felt weird about it. But after a few weeks, it seemed more natural; we, of course, never corrected her about it because he really IS her only dad.

Now it's been over two years and I can't IMAGINE her not calling him Daddy.

"to demand "Mom" - after years of a restraining order! is just concerning. I'd address this (yet another thing) with the counselor."

100% agree! This SM is wacky! I don't get her!

my DD certainly would not call any other man dad but her father and she would not call any other woman mom. We are both obviously very involved with DD and she is close to both of us, she would laugh if she was asked someone else to be called mom and dad. She is also very opinionated and independent thinker since very young age, DD says how it is. She is not very obedient. LOL

Of course when parents are nonexistant or uninvolved or barely there then it is understandable child would call some other people "mom/dad".

I have met SDs when they were adults and certainly being called this or that was not an issue. First name of course.

To my knowledge SM was not allowed around your child, and now only allowed for few hours, she certainly is not her mother and I don't see why your child should be calling her MOM. She can't even be around your child!!! SM is clearly brainwashing your child and messing up with her and I would not condone it (unless my child is very happy to call a woman who is not even allowed aorund her by law "mother').

In fact you should address it with whoever is working on developing parenting plan (therapist/judge): on top of all other bad choices now SM is messing up with child's brain.

I feel better about my momma claws coming out a bit. I am very positive about 'fixing' our situation, it just seems like SM and BD are adimit about ruining their relationship with DD.
I am not sure what SMs malfunction is. She has a very beautiful, loving, caring and polite DD herself- which surprises me since these are not characteristics I see at all in SM. She is very demanding and expects DD to just forget me in their 4 hr visit.
DD has asked to see her therapist this week so hopefully she will get in tomorrow. In 4 hrs, they managed to talk to her about moving in with them and about the mom thing. She is scared. She is terrified she will have to move in with them and honestly I don't think it will ever happen although if she is worked on enough she may think the grass is greener one day ...

Since I was raised by my SF but I obviously knew my BD, I just always called my SF his real name. He walked me Dow. The aisle if that tells you how close we are. Now I call him grandpa because switching to DAD seems so weird after all these yrs but that is how I feel about him. And when I talk about him I always say 'my dad' but catch myself saying 'my real dad' when referring to my BD. So people know who I am talking about.

I would never take away from BD what they are wanting to take away feo
me. DD knows her dad. We were married for the first 4 yrs of her life and he has always been her dad even with the supervised visits and so forth. She LOVES that man and I would not want it any other way!! A girl (boys too) needs her daddy. Period. I would know. Although I had a great man in my life, sure would have been nice to have my 'daddy' too.

She also says they told her 'daddy' was too immature. She should say Mom and Dad not mommy or daddy. She is 9.... Not 15. My niece is 16 and calls my brother daddy and her mom MOM. Daddy's are daddy's especially for a girl - why on earth would they want to change that or make her grow up so fast. I told DD she should do what makes her feel comfortable... And I think she will. Not sure what that will be though.

This is just so weird. I let DD call people whatever she likes (uncle, aunt, first name, grandpa first name, grandma, etc). She calls her grandparents by their first names, never really got into the whole "grandma/grandpa" thing. Occasionally she will call her dad XSilver instead of Dad. She called me mom for years, but now says "mommy" more often.

It's a process. I laugh when she calls her grandpa by his given name. "Hey, Fred" just sounds funny coming out of a pint sized mouth when one is expecting "grandpa" instead.

WHY would someone do that to a child? It just sounds like a mind-"f_ck" if you know what I mean. They're messing with her! Thank goodness you are stable and paying attention. They will need someone watching their every move.

DS calls DH and SM by their first names. We've only ever had one issue with this and that was initiated by X. He said something along the lines of "If he wants to call her 'mom' I won't stop it" and I said "why would he do that? She isn't his mom, he only spends 4 days a month with you and her, you're not married, and he's been calling her by her name for 4 years." This exchange happened at baseball practice when DS was out of earshot. The subject never came up again.

SD calls me by my first name. Anything she would call me would be fine. She was 7 when I met her, but she lives with BM so she has never lived with me. When she lived here, I was involved in every activity she was part of and saw her every single weekend, but DH and I weren't married then.

Here's the crazy thing. DH had always been very involved in SD's life, up until 2 years ago when they moved away. SD was 6 when BM and SF got married (less than 1 year after DH and BM's divorce was final). When I met SD 8 months later(she had turned 7 by then), she called SF by his first name. A couple weeks later, BM announced she was pregnant. By the time the baby was born, SD was calling SF "dad" or "daddy" all the time. DH asked BM about it and they said they told her to do that so as to no confuse the baby.

As recently as a month ago (right before BM & SF's divorce was, supposedly, final) DH received accidental text messages from SD to SF that started of with "dad". Now that they're divorced, I don't know what she calls him. I just feel so bad for the kid. BM started by telling her to call him "dad" so as not to confuse the baby, and it morphed into him BEING her dad. She still calls DH "dad" but doesn't treat him like one.

I agree with the others. Your DD should be able to call SM what she feels comfortable calling her, but by the same token, she shouldn't be forced to call someone something she doesn't feel like calling them. And I think it's fair of you to be bothered by this because there is no reason for your daughter to feel any motherly feelings towards this woman.

My DD often calls me mommy or mamik or silly names. She is 22 and not immature at all. I think it is ridiculous they demand anything from DD at all. Please address it with the therapist.

myfampg, i have some really wonderful students who have awful horrible parents, so it does happen.

Went to live with BD & SM around the age of 8. Started calling her Mom shortly afterward to the aggravation of my BM. She would become angry and remind us SHE was our mother, so how dare we ever "forget" it.
She never missed a chance to give us a tongue lashing if we slipped. I hated that and did resent her for it.
My SM "Mom" was a saint in my view. Taking on 3 little ones with nary a complaint. After my little sister (her BD) was born there was NEVER a time where we were treated any differently from one another.
We, her kids were her pride and joy until her last breath.
I miss her something fierce.

Lol parent of one - it's crazy - the little girl is same age as DD and she is very kind and polite. Loves DD to pieces. Looks up to her because DD is 6 months older so she will say 'my BIG sister'. Always coloring her pictures or sending her notes/cards. But her own BioMOM is awful so I just have no clue how she turned out so sweet!?!

I know for a fact my DD is terrified of SM. She watched SM attack me and she traumatized us both. DD more. So maybe her DD is terrified into being an awesome little girl. DD is so scared, that's why she does whatever she is told. She does it the first time and not a single peep of back talk.
SM thinks this is called respect - I call it fear. I would much rather my DD talk back to me than be terrified of me. That's just my opinion though.

Since your DD has expressed being upset by this issue then the matter is now open for you to address it. And address it you should - this is not a matter for your child to muddle through on her own. She should know that you've got her back and you will look out for her best interests - isn't that what parents are suppose to do? It's not your fault that her DH is skewed.

Yes it's ridiculous. And so uncomfortable for your DD!

It has never even crossed my mind to have my SD's call me anything other then my first name!

Maybe every now and then they might say 'stepmom' when they need to explain I'm not their mom (to nice shopassistants and the like) and even then we all kind of smile cause it feels weird. Haha the sweeties!

I would not approach SM about this, but certainly it's ok to tell your ex that DD is not comfortable with this. And ask him to address this. Don't go in for the kill straight away, ask nicely first and see what happens.

That is one pushy lady, pffff...sigh...

I would address it with the therapist first, see what they advice on this. I would nto say anything to dad or SM yet.

That was never a problem in my extended family. It was a problem with my husband since his ex had the same name I do, also his sister and a sister in law. It would have been very confusing so we decided he would call me by my initials which I like, Bj. When he introduced me to his family he referred to me as Bj, which everyone in his family used and I still use.

Come to think of it: My SD14 used to draw hearts as well and put all our names in it, including the dog. I was so touched by it that I used to take a photo of it later on and I still have those photos. I cherish them. But not once did I feel the need to change my name to 'mom', that wouldn't even cross my mind.

I was just so thankful and happy to see that she considered us a family, because that was the point! When such a drawing doesn't warm SM's heart then what does??

My SD calls me mom, but I'm a custodial SM and have been since she was 5. She's almost 16 now. Similar to Mattie, SD came up after our wedding and asked if she could call me mom. I just told her she could call me whatever she wanted to. It was mixed in the beginning, but is mom now. . . unless she's mad at me. :) Our first son was born a month after we got custody of SD, and it never occurred to me to tell her she had to call me mom for the baby.
SD's mom got very upset and would tongue lash SD any time she referred to me as mom. She even told SD to call her by her birth name if I was mom. I was tempted to tell SD to stop, but her counselor said no. SD was the child, we were the adults. We all needed to deal with whatever SD called any of us.

My step dad adopted me, and has been 'dad' since. He walked me down the isle while my birth dad watched. He has been the most amazing example to me of how to be a step parent. On a side note - I still call him Daddy. :)

So... Here is the end result.. DD went to therapist today and therapist said to tell her feelings honestly to SM. My lawyer sent a pretty amazing letter to therapist stating this is so inappropriate and in our court, the judge has and will issue an order to keep SM from forcing it. If it's natural, that is one thing ... But not forced. My lawyer said the only person to be called mom is The BIO MOM especially in our situation.

I do agree other situations may call for it but in our unique situation it's inappropriate. So hopefully the therapist will take care of it.

DD told me today, I love you Mommy. I want to call you Monmy forever. I don't care if it makes me sound 5 ... Heart melted.

I think they key thing is that it just NOT be forced.

And in your situation, I do not see your DD ever choosing---of her own accord---to call her SM "mom."

It is, like someone else said, a total mindf*** with her on SM's part and it is unacceptable.

Let us know what happens. I agree DD should be honest with her feelings but THAT is easier said than done; and something tells me this wacked out SM will not respond to honesty and openness on DD's part.

So then what? DD tells SM, "No, thank you I don't want to call you mom," and then SM will say, "Oh, yes you will."

THEN WHAT? I hope the therapist has a backup plan.

"So then what? DD tells SM, "No, thank you I don't want to call you mom," and then SM will say, "Oh, yes you will." "

That's what I was thinking too. SS's counselor was working with him on the same thing, honestly communicating his feelings - that was not successful and just made things worse. It's like they go into their book and look up what to do in a certain situation and recommend that because it works with normal people. Well, a normal person would never demand that this little girl call her "Mom" so why on earth would she respond in a normal person fashion?

She is pushing herself onto your child. It's unfair and, in my opinion, a form of bullying. She is using her authority to make your child call her something she is uncomfortable with.

I say if your child wants to call her mom, that is one thing. If she is making him and it is not genuine, it is not right.

Go with your rational side, though, if your child does choose to call her mom.

My SD does not call me mom. She would in the beginning, but I never reinforced it because I thought it was a little odd and did not want her mother getting upset or thinking I was putting her up to it. She stopped after a while, though. I really think her mom and/or grandmother said something to her about it because one day she accidentally said mom and said, "Oooops. You are not my mom. I mean Bonnie." It was a conscious correction on her part. Like she had to remember not to slip up.

I never said anything. I was not hurt or surprised. It just is what it is and if she ever chooses to call me that either forever or just intermittently, that would be fine with me. Either way is ok.

Bonnie - that is how DD was acting. Like she would find herself talking to me saying Mommy - and she would pause.. To correct herself to say Mom.. And I asked 'what's going on with you?' she said SM told her mommy and daddy are to immature .. I don't think it's too immature for a child to say mommy at 9... And she seemed confused like- am I allowed to say mommy here or there.. I have never put any rules on names for any of my kids. For example. My parents go by grandma and grandpa but my son just started out saying meemaw and pawpaw instead of grandma and grandpa. We don't correct him because that is what he calls them. And it is kind of cute he came up with his own nicknames. He has a name for DD too that is a shortened name for his sister and we all have adapted and started calling her that too bc it's cute. So if DD were younger and she were closer to SM, mom would be ok with me if it were 'natural' but for 4 yrs she knows SM as her real name and now they want it changed. Well DD says she is NOT calling her Mom. Period.

She called BD today to wish him a happy New Year and said Daddy on his answering machine.. I am sure it chapped SMs hide but I smiled in victory that my DD wants to call BD daddy and made her stand on their machine. Oh well SM, you can't force DD - her strong will is coming out and the more we empower her, the better she will get at it.

My DH said, if I had a little girl and I got a message from her as sweet as that 'hi Daddy, happy New year! Call me back!!' I would save it and listen every single day.. And he definitly would have called her back which BD did not do...

Just not Martha- I felt Like I had posted this before but not sure. My stepdad raised me as well and walked me down the isle also.. While my bio dad watched. He never legally adopted me because my real dad was 'half' involved. Involved for two months gone for 6. Involved for 4 months gone for 12.. If that's considered involved. I never called my stepdad daddy or dad even though I was 3 almost 4 when they met.. He always said 'i am here for you but you have a dad and I am not here to take his place'. I didn't agree with it sometimes because I yearned to say daddy sometimes but I think my respect for him is so strong now because he respected the family we already had and didn't want to erase it or replace it like my mom had expected him to. I think if my mom and hi
ever divorced I would be much closer to him than my own mom because of his unconditional love. Sometimes and ONLY sometimes my mom's love has a price. A pretty high price... She has gotten better though

so this is what DD told me today. I actually didn't get mad for once. I felt sorry for SM and BD. She said last week they told her that my DS is not her 'real' brother. Only her half brother. I said 'well DD haven't you always known that? You don't share a father.' she said I know but it was rude. I don't care if we don't have the same father, he is my brother.... They want her to not say 'my brother' but 'my half brother'.
Now how is her calling him brother or half brother any different than her calling SM Mom when she isn't her 'real' mom. This is when I realized 'poor SM' she is so jealous ... Wow!! That has to be it!! DD said all she talks about is wanting to have a boy. Boy names, she looks at boy clothes at the store ... DD said they went shopping and they went through the baby dept just so SM could look at the boy clothes. I said well maybe they will have a baby and it will be a boy. And DD said 'no they can't have babies, SM is 'fixed' what does being fixed mean?' so that is another subject but obviously 46 yr old SM can't have babies but is day dreaming through the dept stores... Poor SM that MUST suck.
DD was a part of my pregnancy with DS and at the hospital and absolutely LOVES that little boy, the jealousy is just dripping off of SM for some reason.
I told my mom about SM saying DS wasn't DDs real brother. My mom cried. She said so not only is she going to brainwash DD and hurt her but she is going to end up hurting DS because her venom will surely reach through DD to him one day. DH agrees. One day when they are older, although we have never tried to play DS and DD as 'real' siblings DD could use this to 'hurt' DS if he is annoying her. How mean hearted can people be??

myfampg, your ex and his wife are emotionally abusing your child. I think you need to start pushing harder for all visitations to stop, not just overnight. Why are they going shopping together, I thought they are only allowed aorund DD for few hours?

My DD has two brothers, neither I nor ex nor DD nor SM use "half-siblings", only brothers/sisters. Plus it is not your ex's or his wife's business how DD calls HER brother.

Please address this issue with DD's therapist, and document everything DD tells you.

I agree with Parent of One 100%. SM, whom she barely knows, is "Mom" but her brother, who she's known for his entire life, is not a "real" brother?! This woman has major, major issues and I don't see why DD has to be around her at all - despite her delusions, DD is no legal relation of hers at all.

This woman has mental issues, plain and simple. I think SHE is in dire need of therapy---not the rest of you!

I am sorry your DD has this woman in her life. :(

My SS has two sisters from his mom; they are 3 years old and 7 months old and they are his SISTERS. No matter that they do not share a father. He calls them his sisters and neither I nor DH would EVER dream of saying "Those are your half sisters."

UGHHH.

My DD is his STEPsister; but the two of them have been raised together since they were two. They call each other "my brother" or "my sister." DH and I would never correct them. They *know* they are technically step-siblings but the step has just never been part of their vocabulary.

Thankfully, BM, for all her issues, does not seem to mind this. She has never corrected him in this regard. He refers to my family---like my dad, or my mom, or my grandparents----as his "grandma, grandpa, Oma, Opa," etc.

The part about your DD's SM being obsessed with boy things creeps me out---it's like she somehow views boys as superior and therefore, that would mean your DD is inferior. The woman has ISSUES. She really does. Please bring all this up with your family counselor.

What bothers me the most is that dad is OK with it and even pushing for the same thing, he is right there with SM doing crazy stuff. OK, SM is a stranger but dad should advocate for his daughter! SM clearly does not have child's interests in mind, but what is dad's excuse? I do hope visitations stop, you have to document every little thing, even them telling DD how to call her brother or how to refer to SM.

I am fighting - with everything I have to get this to stop. They get DD for a few hours - 4 or 6 whichever we agree on. And they go shopping or running errands in that short time.

BD was put on supervised visits because of his inability to protect DD from SMs mental/emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is so hard to prove but DD was sharing info with court appointed therapist and teachers who testified on my behalf. But then we got a new therapist that feels SM is OK bc DD is old enough to stand up for herself which I totally disagree with. DD is scared of SM and won't stand up or tell her how she feels. Even though in therapy DD says she will, she never does.

I have another appointment tomorrow with my attorney and I hope he will take this all to the judge to stop unsupervised visits ... I am hoping.

My SKs call me by my first name. Under no circumstances would I want them to call me mom. I would never call anyone other than my mama mom and wouldn't expect it from anyone else.

This SM is crazy. I wouldn't want my kid anywhere near her. I'm sorry you and your DD have to go through this.

This post reminds me a little bit of my situation with my MIL. I'm pregnant and my MIL is very sweet, she's even offered to watch the baby while I'm at work and I think she will be an excellent Grandmother and Babysitter. However, she wants my DD to call her "Mama K", and I'm a little bit uneasy about that because I'm the only Mama and I feel a little bit like my toes are stepped on with that name. I keep pushing the Grandma angle in a subtle way, without flat out telling her that I'm not comfortable with that name. I'm hoping that DD will come up with her own name to call her and that's what will stick. What do you and you children call your/their Grandparents?

I call my grandma a unique name that was made up by a family member. Everyone calls her that. Nothing close to mom/mama/etc.

We called my great-grandma "Mama" and great-grandpa "Papa" and other grandparents Grandpa and Grandma.

My DD calls her grandparents by their first names (don't ask me why!!!) or "Grandpa "D" and Grandma "P".

We call one of my aunts "Mama Janie" because she was like a mother to me, and I have my DD call her that too, but mostly she just calls her "Janie". LOL.

My DD's SM tries to get her to call my XDH's parents "Momi and Bopi" or something like that because it's her ethnicity/heritage names for grandparents. DD's not too keen on that.

Kids will call g-parents what they like, I think, and what most people call the person. So, if EVERYONE already calls MIL "Mama K" it might be kind of hard to keep DD from calling her that as well. If this is something Mama K just made up recently....

You have a good chance of nipping it in the bud. Just call Mama K "Grandma K" to DD and it will probably be what she uses as well.

I empathize.

Silver...DD will be the first Grandchild, so I'm hoping the Grandma K thing will stick with her and that will carry on with any of our future children as well.

Good luck!!!!

Raek- my DD calls my parents grandma and grandpa as do all of the other kids in the family... 7 of them... EXCEPT my DS - he made up his own form of grandma and grandpa. DD calls BDs parents Oma/Opa which is what their parents were called. I had pawpaws and various forms of granny/nannie - my stepgrandmother was not as accepting as we would have liked so she was super cold and we called her by her first name until the year before she died, she started signing cards 'grandma_____'.
DD calls my DHs parents by their first names but DS calls them granny and granddad... Since they are his bio Grandparents. I guess DD could call them the same but she is used to their real names.

I only had one issue and that was my DD started calling my mom MOM and my stepdad his first name when she was about 2 ... So we started calling them grandma and grandpa. Irritates my mom bc I will call and say HI grandma and she will say 'i am your MOTHER..' lol it's a bit of a joke.

Your baby will call you MIL whatever you call her so just simply call her Grandma K - and don't refer to her as anything else...