There are many who would suggest that having a GF move in with no specific plans for marriage is not a good idea - period. That it doesn't model the best family values and morals. That bringing a series of 'impermanant partners' into your children's lives and home is not good for their emotional stability and security.

While I'm not one to say never or always, I generally agree with the above viewpoints, with few exceptions.

To me, it sounds like you want her to do the "family bonding" deal, to entertain your kids and do the 'boring but necessary' parenting duties without a commitment from you in return. OK, so no laundry or dishes. In a sense, you're asking her to 'audition' for the role of StepMom, at a price that's actually rather steep -- all of her free time. And in return, she gets what?

And she's not jumping at this great offer?

Happydad,

As an adult SD I certainly understand and admire your dedication to your children and do agree that the woman you marry ---who will in fact be SM to you kids--- should ideally love the kids so much that she is eager to jump in and do everything a parent would. However I've also read and taken to heart enough from many SM's to truly empathize that sometimes they just DON'T have that same "kid-o-philia" that the bio-parent does, and that this doesn't make them bad people. (And honestly, I myself am reluctant to have kids b/c I'm more of a cat person than a kid person lol).

It is absolutely crucial that you encourage her to be as honest as possible about how she REALLY feels and what she REALLY wants so you both can have realistic expectations. It sounds already like she is at least not pretending she wants more involvement than she actually does. So that is some honesty right there.

There's often a lot of resentment ---and rightly so to a large extent--- when a new SM is immediately thrust into the role of being not only a full-time CO-parent but she ends up taking on MORE of the childcare duties than the kid's bioparent. And since, sterotypically-traditionally it's the man who pulls in the bigger bucks outside the home, there's often an expectation of the new SM as brand new "insta-mommy", sometimes SAHM. And some new SM's happily take this on at first, not knowing what they're getting into or just being so newly-in-love that they go along with whatever to please their husbands. So I think it's crucial that you DO NOT expect her to do more than she is ready for, ESPECIALLY in the nitty-gritty "chore" aspects of childcare. It may very well be that she decides to be, and remain, quite "hands off". If you're really in love with her and convinced of her ***sterling*** character as a person, this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

But she isn't off the hook completely, and of course there's a catch or two. (Otherwise wouldn't ANY woman opt out of the majority of the drudgery parts?) She basically has a choice. If she is willing to be a real PARTNER and CO-PARENT with you ---if SHE decides she wants to be that involved--- then she gets more leeway and say in decisions made regarding the kids. But she can't just opt out of childcare responsibility AND expect to be able to dictate or veto your decisions regarding your kids. I assure you there will be many, many points of disagreement there thrording the kids to the precise extent that she takes on the responsibilities regarding the kids. She needs to know that she has a choice to make, and exactly what the terms are, and that there are pros and cons to both options BEFORE moving in with you or marrying you.

And of course she is also required to treat your children with a basic level of decency and kindness at all times. Hopefully that goes without saying. But it happens all too often that resentments build which are directed originally at the spouse but the kids become an easier target (as in "if it weren't for YOU..."). This is where it is YOUR responsibility to be aware that this potential exists and to pre-empt it. Do not let your children ever become targets for displaced resentments or power struggles, even if it feels like momentary relief for you, or like you're "off the hook". Be willing to discuss and resolve all issues between YOU and GF and clear up any misunderstanding that should arise with very clear and regular discussions about expectations. If you don't, things will simmer under the surface and the kids will suffer, and then both of you will too. In a nutshell, it's all about HONEST COMMUNICATION about REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

Oops, typo in my post above. There's a bit which should have read: "I assure you there will be many, many points of disagreement there regarding decisions made about the kids. A simple rule of thumb: She gets to weigh in on those deciosons to the precise extent that she has shown willingness to take on responsibilities regarding the kids."

Sorry 'bout that!

I think your GF coming over when it is close to bedtime, and late in the evening should tell you something, I think she does it because at this point in the relationship she isnt interesed in being a "family"
I can tell you when DH and I were dating, we rarely went anywhere without SD (DH has full custody) our dates consisted of mainly kid activities and I loved every minute of it....i guess my point is Im thinkin your GF isnt ready for what your wanting..
I really wouldnt advise having her move in for a couple weeks to see how things go, I think it would be terribly confusing for your kids....good luck!

I think you need to REALLY talk to her and see where she stands. Be honest... heck be brutally honest. Tell her exactly what you are looking for and leave it up to her to work out getting to know the kids. It does seem like you are auditioning a new mom for the kids... rather than giving her the opportunity to form a relationship with your kids. (which I happen to think is more important) I mean she isnt the kids mom and even you said you have joint physical custody so mom is playing an active role in their lives. Although many of us on here deal with completly non involved or non existant BM's, I dont think your goal should be that she experiance parenting duties. Rather your goal should be they form a solid relationship with each other... whatever that relationship may entail. Be it a parental figure or a good friend. I would have to agree with serenity on this.
Also though, I dont think that her wanting to come over in the evening should tell you any more than she doesnt have kids. I can completely see where she would think that would be a great idea... homework is done, dinner is done, but it is before bed time... okay I get to hang out and bond. But, we veterans of parenting know that the time before bedtime is hazardous and we need to create peace to settle down for bed... not a new visitor that will get everyone riled up again.

Perhaps she is not ready and to be honest even though you have 'talked about moving in' if she doesnt want to come over until the evening on a weekend... then maybe she just isnt interested in moving in. But, like I said talk be brutally honest.

It sounds like you want another mother for your kids, not a wife. What about what she wants? She's not responsible for your kids. Maybe her hesitancy is that she doesn't want to take that on. They have a mother and father, why do they need a third parent? Or are you looking at someone to take over those duties for you?

Two years is long enough for her to have an idea if she wants to be a family... I mean he had the kids when they met. That's a fairly long time in a kids life. Are they at all attached to her? When I first started dating my husband, I would go to his house after his daughter was asleep. I knew his daughter was part of the package, but I wanted to get to know HIM first. I didn't want to establish a relationship with his daughter until I knew it was going further. I think two years is long enough to know... once I knew he was the one, we started spending weekends together with her so I could get to know her and do family things. He moved in with me when we got engaged and we were married nine months later.

I don't recommend living together without specific wedding plans. Been there, done that. I stayed in a relationship for years after I should have left because we were living together (playing house). Many reasons I didn't leave: Foolishly became financially dependent on him. I thought leaving would be detrimental to the children. (his & mine. We had none together but if we had, it would have been messier) and then it was 'comfortable' and familiar. Not good reasons to stay. If she isn't ready to include your kids, then she probably isn't ready to live together. You should never do a 'trial' period when you have kids involved. (unless they live with mom & aren't subjected to your applicants for SM)

"I knew his daughter was part of the package, but I wanted to get to know HIM first. I didn't want to establish a relationship with his daughter until I knew it was going further. "

Beautifully said, Ima. That's it in a nutshell. If you're deeply in love with this woman, you respect her and genuinely like her as a person, and you are committed to spending the rest of your life with her in a loving and supportive marriage, then yes - ask her to get more involved with your kids. But if you're not sure yet -- If you are auditioning her as a replacement mom -- then your actions are selfish and short-sighted.

Re-read Ima's whole post --

I agree with Sue.

No way I would go to my boy friend's home, do his household chores. Of course, there's no way I would would live with a guy with or with out kids. The guy is the only one who benefits in that arrangement.

Speaking as someone who is in a very similar situation as your GF: The more you push and "audition" (great term other posters!) her into the SM role, the more she will resent you now and in the future, if you two do go through with moving in together. Often times, resentment for the parent leads to resentment of the stepchild. Maybe she is just not ready to be a mother; from your post it sounds like that is what she is trying to tell you. Give her time and quit pushing and preaching at her (time being maybe more than 2 yrs even!)
I am in a shitty relationship for the past 2 and a half years, I have stayed longer than I know I should have, and I wish almost every day that we had not moved in together so soon. My BF's son's behavior and BF's lack of discipline is a constant point of contention between us.
Not to directly blame you or your children, but are there any behavioral problems or issues that need to be dealt with (maybe not in your opinion, but something that your GF has issues with?)
Point being, if she's not ready, don't push.
Sorry, probably not much help. I just don't want you to be under the impression that your GF is in the wrong.

I would also add that in my prior relationship, he had three young kids & I had three young kids. From the start, our dating was about the kids.... taking the kids places, handling the mundane 'parenting' things, etc. We NEVER spent much 'alone' time and in retrospect, I didn't get to know him well enough. We moved in together & played house/family... I loved his kids. He loved that his kids had a mom & he was happy to work on his career while I raised his kids. I realized a couple of years into the relationship that I was there more because of the kids, not him. I stayed for a variety of reasons... some listed above but I was definitely NOT happy. When I left, my kids had gotten attached to him (especially my daughter) and I was attached to his kids. When I finally left him, he refused to let me continue a relationship with his kids and he didn't want one with my kids. That was probably the hardest part for me. Our relationship was more about the kids than each other. In other words, there was no foundation.

I also agree that sometimes people rush into marriage & try to create a 'family' life for their kids... it's a noble idea. We all want our kids to be happy & create normalcy for them, but creating a blended family is hard work & takes time.

I don't see anything regarding their relationship. Was marriage discussed? I agree with Sweeby, it seems that OP wants the benefits of having another "parent" around. IMHO, I would not be jumping for joy at this arrangement. Say the gf decides to move in and do what he wants, only for him to decide that it isn't going to work. It does sound like an audition, and I think I'd pass.

To the OP - you have received some great advice and thoughts here, and I agree with the general sentiment. So I won't repeat what has been put so well already, but will share some observations from my own perspective.

I am a 30 year old professional single woman, dating a man nearly a decade older than me who is the NCP of two young daughters. We have been together for nearly two years, and several months ago decided to move in together and plan our future wedding. I do not have children of my own.

We have taken things very slowly from the beginning - in fact I did not meet his children until our relationship had crossed the 6 month mark. I also never dated anyone with children and until a few years ago, had decided I never wanted children. I have an extremely high pressure job and life.

It sounds as though from what you've said your GF is (a) not a parent and (b) lives out of town. Could it be said that she is a professional woman, perhaps working overtime to pay down student loans or other debt, trying to establish herself and be financially stable and that those are her goals right now rather than learning to be insta-mom? Have you and your GF discussed marriage? If she wants to have children, are you willing to have more children with her?

I am definitely projecting my own experiences onto yours and they may not all apply - but I can say that if my BF would have put a lot of pressure on me to move in and spend all of my free time with him and his kids together, on a trial basis, I would have run for the hills!! That is for sure. And I would not even consider moving to another town on a trial basis into my BF's home with his kids and "proving" to him that I am ready to be a surrogate mother to his children. Is the childrens' mother in the picture?

Personally, it sounds like your goals and your GF's goals may be different. She may still be getting her feet wet even being around children (as am I), and pushing her will probably not get you the desired result. At the same time you have to have your needs met and there has to be some compromise. There is no point in spending years with someone who just doesn't have the same expectations of family and scheduling as you do. Just my observations.

...Re-reading the OP's post it occurs to me...if the divorce and child custody situation has only been finalized for 9 months, that means over half of the relationship between the OP and his GF has been *during* the divorce from BM. Perhaps I am mis-reading, but that only makes me more convinced that GF wants to take her time, let things settle, and move forward on less high-pressure terms.

Hi all,

You are great! I really appreciate your viewpoints and all the awesome feedback. Just what I was looking for.

What I'm taking away from your comments is that I need to chill out and let her process things her own way and I need to ponder the thought that marriage most likely needs to come first!

All the best!

Happydad---

Not sure whether you meant "marriage should come first" as in you should be married to your GF before she becomes your kids' new stepmother, or whether you meant that phrase that's often bandied about: "the marriage should be the first priority, and then the kids."

As to "marriage coming first" in the first sense, well, yes, you should at the very least be very seriously and long-term committed to GF (even if you aren't officially married) for a while before she becomes really "parental" to them.

As to "marriage coming first" in the second sense, I think the best thing for anyone and everyone in a blended family to do is drop the word "first" from their vocabulary. Whether you're a father, mother, step-parent, step-child, first wife, second wife, etc... that particular terminology does no good. Nobody "comes first" and you can't compare apples to oranges. There will be some matters where it's better for everyone to attend to SM's feelings and needs, and then there will be times when it's better for everyone to attend to what's best for the kids. And there will be times when everyone has to be proactive about meeting their own needs. Everyone's needs are equally and vitally important, and with enough effort, goodwill and compromise on everyone's part, there will almost always be ways to fulfill them all and keep things generally harmonious.