I would have concerns if she has a criminal record... of course it would matter for what or how long ago, but that would concern me.

The most important two issues I would have are:

1. Does she like my child and/or does she treat him/her well? That doesn't mean she has to love him the way I do, but as long as she isn't mean to him or treat him unfairly.

2. Does she respect my role as his mother? I don't mind if she's in the mother role in her home... but I would not want her to undermine my authority in my home.

Besides that, I would not concern myself with her being like me or that she isn't putting enough effort forward. It's your ex's responsibility to put the effort in being a good dad and it would be nice if the step mom puts effort too, but as long as she isn't discouraging him from being a good dad, I wouldn't worry about it. [and if she does discourage him, then you need to discuss that with him because it's HIS child]

I'm FSM (wedding in 6 weeks) to a 9yo boy I love lots!
I agree with Ima, and I will add my end of it.

I have spoken with BM about her concerns from when FDH and I first got together:
- That A__ (my FSS) would get attached to me and then I would bail, leaving him high-and-dry
- That FDH would get wrapped up in me and forget about A__
- That I would be mean to A__
- That A__ wouldn't like me
- That A__ would like me too much and she would feel shut out
- That I would try to take over as A__'s mom

But she said that once she saw that FDH and I were serious, and that I was nuts about A__, but wasn't trying to replace her, she got over her concerns.

I can't speak from the BM side as I have no kids of my own, but as a FSM, her concerns are reasonable to me and I don't hold any of them against her!

I think you need to leave this alone. I can understand your concern as a mom, but like Ima said, unless she has a criminal record or does drugs, is abusive, etc, it isn't your business. It's his responsibility to choose someone who will mesh well into his life, including your son.

I agree with June -- While it's certainly your concern, it isn't your call to make. There are likely to be a whole series of GFs before your Ex finds "the one", so I'd save my 'veto attempt' for if and when it's really needed.

You might come up with a few probing questions to help your Ex actually think about his GFs as potential StepMoms. Many guys seem to assume good mothering just comes with the hormones...

um..well I can see how you would be conceerned but this is not in your control..and its not your business who his new choice of GF is..I got the feeling from reading your post you are almost trying to "pick" a SM for your son..it just doesnt work like that and unless she is on drugs/abusive etc... then I would stay out of it..

how do you ensure your kids do not get crazy SM? Don't marry lowlives. If you get divorced, you will still know that your exspouse will not bring questionable people to kids' lives. I never worried who would be DD's SM. I knew it would not be a crazy person. X never worried about me bringing wrong men in DD's life. i never dated any strange people. So that's my solution. You certainly have no control who X marries, but you have control who YOU have children with.

Wow....good point, Finedreams. If you trusted him enough to proceate with, then you should trust him enough to choose a partner who will be good to his child.

It sounds like you are a good mother, Casper. Just continue doing the best job you can raising your child on your time. Let Dad handle what happens on his time.

I think you should back off, and focus on things you have control of. Who your x dates/marries, is not within your control. Assuring that your son is safe & happy while in your home, is within your control. Don't let stuff you have no control over, take up space in your head!

This is why I always advise -- get ROFR and no third party pickups/dropoffs in CS. Custody/visitation is to strengthen relationship between child and his parents, not steps.

KKNY, what does that have to do with selling tea in China? OP wants to know how to tell if her child's potential SM would be a good fit. She said nothing about visitaion.

And visitaion is for the NCP and FAMILY. My DH wants visitation to be a bonding time for ALL FIVE OF US :the 3 kids, DH and I. We are a family, period. You can't pretend like any new spouse/SO will just fade into the background. They will have an influence on the kids, just like the parents. I sure as heck don't stay away when the kids come over. And DH wouldn't like that at all. I am their step mom, and when they are in my house they listen to what both DH and I have to say.

Would you prefer that the Stepparent just treat the children like they are invisible? Ignore them? They are in my house, that makes no sense. The point is to bond and be a family.

It is no less relevant than FDs advice as to not marry losers.

I dont know what state you live in, but where I live, the purpose of custody/visitation is to maintain/improve relations with bio parents. Just becasue your DH wants bodning with all 5 of you doesnt make it the law. I think many conflicts can be related to SMs having to take on bioparents responsiblities.

Okaaayyyy.......but if the bio parent has a spouse, do you expect the spouse to just "bow out" and make themselves scarce? Not going to happen. And who said anything about SM's taking over the bio's responsibility? I'm talking about basic bonding.
Why do you feel it's so bad for a step parent to have a relationship with the child? Does that threaten you or something?
Finedream's statement pointed out the futility of trying to control who becomes step mom. Your statement was useless.

BTW, I'm from NYC.

I just think that the child's relationship with the bio parents come first -- No I dont feel threatened.

I think a lot of people thought FDs advice made sense.

FD's advice makes sense if you read it BEFORE you have a child. But then again, it only makes sense if the person you marry is a lowlife BEFORE you have children with them. Sometimes, a person can seem responsible, mature and a generally good person. Then, something changes and they make poor choices (to cheat, drink, drugs, gamble, etc.) or they may have a mental issue that deteriorates over time so they are not the same person you married when they divorce and remarry.

My SD's mom's BF is a good example of that. According to his exW, he was responsible, held a job for many years, had good credit, they had retirement money & a house. Then he got addicted to porn... lost his job, she divorced him when he refused to get help, they had to sell the marital home & he pissed his money from that away (supporting SD's mom & buying toys). He's had to sell what hasn't been repossessed to make ends meet. He's gone from seeing his kids on a regular basis to saying he doesn't have time to see them. By his current behaviors, he's a borderline 'lowlife'. He is working, so that's a good thing, but he's not the same kind of father he was when he had his kids. He has now chosen to take up with someone that likes to party and well, the kids (hers included) get in the way of that. Therefore, he sees his kids less because he's changed. He also avoids paying what he should in support. He tells his exW he can't afford to help buy school supplies, but he can afford to go out & party. His kids dirt bikes got repossessed, but he still goes out partying. I guess priorities changed.

I agree with Ima on this - my exH was a responsible, caring father and husband - this all changed after our relative was murdered. I would not call him a lowlife - he has a job (although he was unemployed for quite awhile) and it is highly unlikely that he has taken up partying, but he rarely sees the kids.

TOS - This is off thread, but I am really sorry for what happened to your family. Geri

Geri,

Thank you. Murder affects so many lives, even far beyond the family of the victim.

ceph thank you and good luck! I hope potential SM will ask me about my concerns one day.

Thanks every one I will definately relax a little, it has all happened so fast that I kinda forgot that my BS may have a SM, and it recently came up so I freaked.I am glad I found this forum and I will stay out of it unless there is cause to intervene, your advice seems sound except...

...finedreams
"Don't marry lowlives. So that's my solution. You certainly have no control who X marries, but you have control who YOU have children with."

as ima suggested I didn't know my X would become who he is. While there is a general consensus that I should basically stay out of it and see what happens which I can agree to...your "advice" seems the most useless. You assume way too much here, and even though I couldn't stay with my husband he still isnt a low life. The life style I left him for does concern me for his choice of gf. So are you basically telling me either I shouldn't have had my son or I should have stayed with a neglagent husband to avoid being concerned about SMs? I am happy I had my son despite any circumstance so looking at it like a mistake is not going to happen.
I think I can handle things better with advice that is relevant.

Hey Casper, I think you are having some pretty natural feelings about someone who could possibly be very important in your childrens life.

My ex and I broke up for similar reasons and of course, I do not trust his judgement at all times. His choice of girlfriends and wives (yes, plural!!!) have always weighed on my mind.

I don't know your custody situation, but KKNY is correct IMO. I made sure that I had ROFR (right of first refusal, if Ex wasn't going to be at visitation, I can keep my DD.) I also have learned to be proactive. Once I see a real relationship forming, I do the meet and greet with open arms.

She is probably just as nervous as you are. Good luck :)

How often does your X see his kids? I wouldnt assume it would increase just becuase he has a SO.

Thanks Nivea, I was starting to think I was crazy. As concerned as I sound I have been very inviting as far as X's gf becuase she may potentially be my son's and SD's family, but bc my X relates his concerns and she is so hesitant on meeting me I feel like she doesnt respect me as someone who is simply going to be in her life as little or as much as parties involved feel comfortable with.I feel like she is more focused on her comfort than my sons. Im big on communication and i would be happy if I knew the 2 very simple things ima listed.

kkny- we live fairly close so he sees him 3 X a week but not long and X usually leaves my son with his grandma within an hour to c his gf. We dont have an arranged custody its very up in the air with as much routine as possble.

Casper, my ex isn't a baaad person. He's not a lowlife, but he isn't always..uh hmm...forthcoming? I've learned in time since we broke up, that it is easier for him to make me the bad guy when explaining our relationship to his new SO. And yeah, that maybe his point of view but it doesn't necessarily accurately portray what really happened. And I also think it is pretty natural for everyone to blame the other person. Which can make it rather difficult for a new SO to want to communicate with the ex or can go the opposite direction and have the new SO overstep!

Is there anyway you can email her and just say that you appreciate your role in your childrens life and would like to go for coffee? The less threatening, the better.

I wonder if this world will ever realize that it takes more than blood and DNA to make a family......Our family is comprised of blood relatives and "non" blood realatives but they all carry the same weight and respect in our family. To my SD they ARE all family. We would never deny BM's mother picking up SD in lue of BM picking her up, but under others guidelines that would be a big no no...Why? because BM's mother isn't her bio mom, so SD and her Nana have no biology between them, does my SD care? Heck no because that is her NANA and her "bio" grandma has never ever even met her.....kids dont care about blood relation, it is about the emotional bonds that are formed when a relative or parent(non or biological) takes the time to build a relationship with the child.Its the adults that have the issues not the kids and its sad..

Some have the train of thought (courts included) that steps shouldnt be involved in ANYTHING that has to do with a step child..this is rediculous..I hate to imagine my SD's life if I just had sat on the sidelines with no interaction, I am the only mother figure she has BM doesnt want to raise her heck she hasnt even spoken to her in a year, the stigma that step parents shouldnt "parent" is why if something ever happened to my husband my SD could possibly have to go live w STRANGERS (but blood related) because I am not blood related but have raised/supported/loved/would run in front of a moving vehicle for her full time as my own child for the past 8 years.........

Like I said, I wouldnt be so convinced his time with the child is going to increase. I wouldnt take her not wanting to meet with you as a lack of respect -- she may be worried that X wants to turn her into a babysitter. How old is your child? Could you take him during Xs time if Grandma backed out?

Do your ex and his gf live together? Do you know (for a fact) that they are talking marriage/future/commitment? Maybe she doesn't want to meet you (or your ex doesn't want to introduce you) because it's premature for the status of their relationship.

I don't know, I still say it isn't her business, unless she has PROOF that the new person has a history of abuse and such.

"......I feel like she doesn't respect me as someone who is simply going to be in her life....."

This isn't about you. Unless she is actively participating in the raising of your child, or has tried to come between the parent/child relationship, why does it matter that she might not respect you? It sounds to me like you want to make your presence known to the new gf, under the guise of it being for your son.

I never said that people don't change etc but in general I think I think everyone wiht a common sense can predict that people will spend time with their children, will work on their relationship wiht their children etc. It is pretty easy to figure out by observing their families, how their parents treat them etc.

Of course you cannot predict all the details, but it is pretty easy to determine by observing me and my family that we would not abandon kids, would not avoid helping them, would not abuse anyone. i mean how obvious is that.

So if people can make this conclusion about me rather quickly, I can make the same conclusion rather easily myself. You cannot know if your marriage will work 100% but you can know that your spouse will not abuse your children. you can know that.

but of course some people might have an excuse: oh I didn't know. Well if it is one time mistake maybe but you have number of children with lowlives who subsequently choose lowlives for their partners etc then i wonder if you really knew, just chose not to notice...

I understand that people disagree with me, but I always advocate presonal responsibility. I ate too much last two weeks and didn't exercise: i gained weight. if i hooked up wiht wrong people: i would end up with all kind of serious problems for my kids in the future. We all have choices and nobody else but us isresponsible. of course there are exceptions. But in general that's what i believe.

It really doesn't matter why she doesn't want to meet you, but it may feel like she's hiding something or doesn't respect you. I agree with junegemstar, she doesn't need to like or respect you, but she does need to respect that you are the child's mother. (if that makes sense)

She may not want to meet you for a variety of reasons. She may feel intimidated by your prior relationship... will she measure up? He may have told her you are a nightmare ex, so she fears your wrath. She may worry you won't like her or once you meet, you might cause problems (being jealous/insecure), especially if she's younger, better looking, etc. Even if it's not true, she may have those fears.

The suggestion to send her an email is a good one. It would be good to break the ice, let her know you are not evil or in any way a threat. It lets her know that you care enough that you want to meet someone that's a part of your son's life. and don't rule out that sometimes an ex doesn't want his new GF to meet his exW because he's told her things and he doesn't want them comparing notes...

Also, as quirk mentioned... if the relationship isn't very serious, there's no reason to meet every GF. But, when the child is coming home and the GF seems to be around the child a lot, where the child is talking about her... then it might be a good idea to broach the subject with ex and ask if this is serious... son's getting attached, etc.

You know FD you're right ... How could you have known your ex would have THREE CHILDREN WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMAN.

Doesn't make him a low-life at all.

Quoting you now
"Of course you cannot predict all the details, but it is pretty easy to determine by observing me and my family that we would not abandon kids, would not avoid helping them, would not abuse anyone. i mean how obvious is that.

I think your ex's son would see it differently.

oh I didn't know...so those of you on this forum who have children with different partners/spouses are lowlives? I didn't think so, but if you say so pseudo ;)

I think Quirk brings up a very good point. If this relationship isn't even to the point where it looks like GF really will be a SM, I would just be an observer in the shadows. If it appears DS is spending a lot of time with GF that might be something to speak to your ex about, only for the reason that DS may feel that he isn't seeing his dad enough. BUT - if DS seems happy with the GF and happy about how his visitation goes, I wouldn't rock the boat. Nor would I run in to introduce myself. If it comes to an engagement and GF's long term involvement is certain, a lovely congratulation card would be nice. Maybe a little later a coffee would be nice, but to rush it would appear too much like you were trying to scare her away, IMO.

Good luck. This is a slippery slope . . . but there are plenty of people here to help you down it. :-)

"so those of you on this forum who have children with different partners/spouses are lowlives?"

FD, I would not consider myself a lowlife but you think I'm irresponsible. Your ex is not a low life, but I don't see that he's a wonderful father/guy. He has three families & his current GF is almost young enough to be his daughter. Admit it, he has issues! He is not the same guy you married is he? At least from the way you talk, I would think you would not pick a guy that has serial relationships with women half his age. You can sugar coat that he's a great dad because he has always seen his kids & pays for them. He's not in their day to day lives and he's shortchanged ALL his kids because they have all grown up without a full time dad because he chooses to leave & be with someone else. If he knew he doesn't want to settle down with one woman for life, why does he keep making babies? You have described him as a 'womanizer' in the past so that's his life choice. Why leave these other women with a child as he moves on to a new one? With you, it can be chalked up to being young, immature. But, he is not young anymore and he surely knows about birth control. He doesn't belong on the pedestal you put him on. I agree with pseudo, his son is probably devastated his dad is not in the home anymore and now he has a new baby that dad is with. It's also likely that this new baby will someday be living without his/her dad, just like your daughter and his son. That's SAD!

"Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Fri, Dec 21, 07 at 9:16

I mean seriously you had 3 children from different men none of whom was or is involved with your children and none of whom you were married to, it is rather extreme case of lack of responsibility."

FD, you posted this to me last year. You are right, it was irresponsible of me to have my kids the way I did. However, would it have been okay or more responsible if I had married three times and had my three kids as long as their father's saw them and paid support? Would that have made it okay??? Under your philosophy, I guess so.

People who live glass houses should not throw stones.

lowlives no but made some bad choices along the way ....

Because afterall my hubby would be a "lowlife" oh wait he married his baby momma's and they both left him with his children.

Hmmmm.

If you didn't brag what a "great" dad your ex was/is I probably wouldn't have said anything to you ... but your solution doesn't solve the problem after the fact.

How can she know if potential SM fits? by remaining open to the possiblity that any woman in her child's life might love them like their own and care for them the same way she would. Step in when its not that way but as long as the kid/s are happy with dad and the new GF flavor of the month or whatever then stay out of their relationship status.

And how was FD supposed to know this guy was going to remarry? 3 marriages in quite a few years. I think some people dont take into account the years.

yes iamommy I believe that if you would have children with men who actually are involved fathers it would be more responsible than having children with men who do not take part in their children's life. You ask, I answer. I don't think it means being a lowlife though.

As about DD, she lives equal amount of time with dad and with me. Actually a little more with dad now. She does have a dad. of course not perefct. But who is? Why does it bother you that my kid has a dad i do not understand.

exactly kkny. We were married X was 19. he is in his 40s now. We were divorced many years. i certainly do not insist on him still keeping his loyalty to me. lol . of course he is remarried. I didn't remarry just because it didn't happen, but I could as well be.

As about having more children, I physically cannot anymore. If i could I would. X still can. So? i am glad that he can because DD has 2 brothers she loves very much. should he not marry and not have kids anymore because he was married to me at some point? It is a funny logic.

Personally I could care less about your situation ... but stop spouting off holier than thou attitudes to others...

People change

Today a lowlife tomorrow parent of the year

Yesterday parent of the year tomorrow a lowlife.

I guess people should be together for atleast 10 years before they have children so they really get to know whether a person is a lowlife or not!

of course nobody is prefect, who says X is. I divorced him. haha he is very far from perfect. But x is involved father, and DD has no complains about her dad. It would be much different for her if I would have her with someone who would not be a daily part of her life. That's my opinion. You ladies might think that having no father in the picture is the same as having a father who is remarried, it is OK if you think so.

iamommy, X shares 50/50 custody, so his son is in the same house.

"yes iamommy I believe that if you would have children with men who actually are involved fathers it would be more responsible than having children with men who do not take part in their children's life. You ask, I answer. I don't think it means being a lowlife though."

Maybe you missed my point. Agreed, it would have been more responsible to have involved fathers. My question is not about their (or my) responsibility. I asked if it would have been okay to put kids through three **failed** marriages? Would it have made it all okay if I had married & made kids in each marriage, even if spread over years or decades? I don't agree with that logic.

and personally, I think it's great he is involved in his kids' lives and supports them. But, that doesn't make him father of the year.

unfortunatelly waiting 10 years might be too late for having children due to health issues. i am glad i didn't wait!

one more thing for imamommy, DD and her brother have 12 years difference. She is 20, he is 8. Almost that many years passed after our divorce and him having another serious relationship and a child. Well let's see, 7 years? Or somehting like that? So moving in with someone 7 or so years after divorce is hardly going on to a new one. It is a long enough time to be ready for having a new relationship and another child. And why using birth control when one wants to have children?

i see you feel defensive again, but i do not know why. Not like I care. i don't think having multiple partners made you a lowlife at all. So you don't need to defend yourself.

iamommy not everyone has kids because they have accidents. Some people actually plan children and get married first. I got married and we decided to have children. So DD was born 18 months after the wedding. DD was a planned child. I never had unplanned pregnancy. I know accidents happen, but I didn't have any.

I'm not defending myself. I was wrong and I admit when I am wrong. The objective facts are: Your marriage ended when your DD was young. She grew up in a broken home. Her half brother was 8 when his parent's marriage ended. He's going to grow up in a broken home. Now he's going into another marriage and another baby with a wife not much older than his daughter. If he wants to have children... that's his choice but he should probably also choose to stay married or try harder to make his marriages work. You make the excuse for him that he was too young with you. Fine. But he isn't a youngster when he made his son and by your own account, his wife was a nice person. Why did he leave her? What is his excuse for breaking up his son' family? I believe you said his current partner was TOW. She's pregnant & he's not yet divorced from his son's mother?

Sorry, but you come across as pseudo put it, 'holier than thou'.

I think FDs X has always shown concern for his children. I dont see this as holier than thou.

iamommy, my X is legally married to his 2nd wife and they have a baby boy who was born two weeks ago. He was never married to his long term girlfriend. I never said she was a nice person. Not my place to say, according to people I know she is extremelly difficult person to be with. But as long as she is nice to DD, not my business. But their relationship with X was difficult.

I never said he was too young wiht me. i just provided his age at the time of our marriage to show you that there were many years between our divorce and his subsequent remarriage. In fact 22 years or so. Long enough!

I do not have to feel guilty that my child has a father on a daily basis and your kids don't. And you do not need to defend yourself. I do not care, I am just providing you with the facts.

I never said my X is a good husband, if he would I would still be married to him. X still does not know (in quotes, roll my eyes) why i wanted to divorce him. lol But he is a good father. IRL there are plenty of people who are good fathers.

You are right X's wife is 13 years younger than him. That's the age difference my grandparents have. I don't find it extreme. Plenty of people on this forum have that age difference. The thing is that X had DD at a young age. Most people our age don't have grown children.

and why your DH left the mother of his child? Oh wait of course she cheated, yeah we all know the story...

The definition of "lowlife" is unique to each of us, as we all have different standards of what really irritates the crap out of us. Irresponsibility, and making a mistake is not the same as being a lowlife.

I would hesitate to call anyone a lowlife on here, or to cast asperisons on their previous relationships, since I dont know the people involved, I am not in possession of all the facts, and its not personally relevant to me.

THe lowlife comment was a fire starter and should have a bucket of water thrown on it, I think.

Casper-

I would offer to meet with her and if she declined I wouldn't get too offended. She may still be adjusting to the relationship.

Honestly as much as I know you hate to hear it there isn't too much you can do in this situation. Even if the woman is a cruddy person do you think your Ex would stop seeing her just because you didn't give her your stamp of approval? I'm not trying to be nasty here at all, I just don't think there is alot you can do unless the woman can be proven dangerous. You are going to worry yourself sick over a relationship you are powerless to hault. I know you are concerned but this is a losing battle. If you get to pokey in the relationship you will come off as the "bitter ex" and then the relationship between you and the GF will be forever icky.

Give it a little time. It may turn out that you were worried over nothing. Dealing with the ex and children from previous marriages can be uncomfortable for some folks, that goes DOUBLE if they have never dated a person with pre-existing children. When I started dating my now husband I had never dated a previously married man who had kids. It took me a little while to figure out what my role was and how to deal with his Ex wife. She was a nightmare to top it all off so it was a really tuff time for me. Maybe the new GF is having some uncertainties on how to deal. Maybe you scare her even...who knows. Relax and give it some time. Maybe she won't even be around that much longer.....

lol well I am not trying to be her nightmare and i wish I didnt have to feel like me and my son were things people had to "deal with" but u r rightto say I have no control. After reading what everyone has said I realized that idealy I will have for myself and my son a good relation ship with X and GF if she is involved inmy sons life. I want to get to know the GF not as a friend but for my son etc. and in time let it grow more comfortable. But if thats is not what they want i certainly cant force it...so when I read the letter i think immamommy wrote to the Sm of her BC I thot "that would be great."My fear is the distant relationship for al of us because it would make things hard for my son. I will give it time...I want to have tea or coffee with her but they both seem so stand offish. My X also confided too much in me about her so I have decided I don't even want to here a little bit: one week they talk about moving in together next week she doesnt want to meet his BD. SHe is dating a man with two different BM of 2 kids, I also had a sH*t time with my SD's BM but I worked hard. Thanks for being a little nasty in the nicest way...lol ;)

"SHe is dating a man with two different BM of 2 kids, I also had a sH*t time with my SD's BM but I worked hard."

You've been on both sides so you know the story:) Like I said...just give it a little time. It'll work out one way or the other. Again, this may be the perverbial pee in the ocean even. She could be gone with the morning paper so just hang in there. keep your eyes OPEN for sure but no panicky panicky just yet....hahahaha. Good luck!