has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

18 years ago

My 4yr came busting in this morning in tears because SD 10 told her that I am SD's Step Mom, and that she (bio4) does not get to have a Step mom only her. (I am not sure if SD said this to be mean to bio4 or not, I wasn't in the room so i don't know)

She told me that she wants a step mom too, very bad please and that it isn't fair that her big sister gets one and she doesn't. (ok so I kinda wanted to giggle at this point but she was really upset.....)

I explained to her that yes I was her sisters SM, but that I was her (4yr olds) biological mom meaning she came out of my belly and her sister didn't. And things like that really don't make a diff. anyways.

I really wanted to tell her she was very lucky to not have to have a step mom, that it is better to have both your parents right there with you, but didn't because I was worried that it might hurt SD feelings.

I think this is so shocking to bio4yrs because SD's BM has not been involved in SD life in a long time,and SD rarely brings BM up.

So bio4 is still talking about it this evening and Im not sure just what else I should do or say to help bio4 feel better or understand? Has anyone else had this situation?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (10)

imamommy
18 years ago
This reminds me of my little sister. She was about three years old and our dog had puppies and she cried because she wanted to be a puppy too.
mom2emall
18 years ago
Well my ss cried before and threw a fit because I am his stepmom and not his bm. He said he wanted only me to be his mom when I explained to him that he has another mom too.
Related Discussions
Has anyone had the crystal lens implants?
Q
Comments (43)
To follow up from January 2012. In January 2012, I was losing my sight in both eyes after having cataract surgery in 2010. The optometrist, Dr. Schell's attitude always included the words "at your age" it is the best you get. I was 47 at this point. It was another 13 months before I received a YAG, laser surgery to get rid of the scar tissue. Since the Crystal lens is back in your eye, the scar tissue is forced up against the lens and stops it from flexing. I was told this on the day of the Yag surgery, Feb 13, 2013. I no longer could tell when the eye chart was put on the wall, but could see down at the end of a hall. Felt very weird and frustrating that no one understood except the surgeon. I came out the surgery with more light than I could stand. It was amazing, but painful and hard to get through the day. That amount of vision did not last, but in 2016 my prescription remained the same. I definitely need glasses to drive, they annoy me to walk around the house though. Need reading glasses to read newsprint, but not the computer. Still have other problems. In the original surgery on my left eye, there was intense pain(think labour pain). I believe I had problems with the muscle relaxant, which I had noted in my file and spoke to the anesthesiologist about. He just rolled his eyes. He gave me too much for my system, the surgeon commented that my eye was spinning and then pain. I have complained continually that I am missing vision on my left side. I have also flew over the top of items, since they were below my line of vision. In my last appointment (7 years since surgery!), there was mention of a retina tear. There is two lumps in close proximity to the tear, The last optometrist mentioned the lumps might be cancer, the latest says maybe the start of AMD. Still believe it is better than being blind, but not a miracle cure. I do not feel the crystal lens flex like your natural lens. I have been in tense situations and when the other person crosses their arms, I think Great!, they are finally listening. After several different situations of arms being crossed, I know I am missing visual clues!:) Trying to learn patience... Sorry for the long post. Hope it is helpful.
...See More
has anyone else had anything close to this experience?
Q
Comments (18)
Wow so many with the same situation, although mine is not because of him losing a job in this economy. I always seemed to find the really nice guys that lacked motivation - I married two of them. My first husband was in finance, and figured that he could work fewer hours and manage to make enough. I was working and had two young children and he did not think that his free time was for housework or watching the kids even when I went to the gym - I had to get a sitter so that he would not have to commit to being home. No matter how much counseling or discussion between us could make him see how it felt to have him sitting on the front porch reading the paper while I was going crazy in the house getting lunches ready and the kids and me out of the house every morning. The neighbors even noticed! I felt if I was going to live like a single parent, I might as well be able to date, so I divorced him. And then I did the same thing again! What the heck was wrong with me?? When I met my second husband, he had a job, but all of his jobs were not long-term or careers -- he was also an under-employed carpenter. He was an awesome person, and a great step-father to my kids, but the housework was not even on his radar. However, with his more "flexible schedule", he was the one that could get a sick kid at school or be home if needed, so he was a bit of a house husband and that allowed me to concentrate on my job. But once the kids were off at college, I joked that he was my oldest child, but it really wasn't a joke. Unfortunately he died suddenly a little over a year ago, and although I miss him terribly, I am not going to make the same mistake again. I'm fortunate that I can support myself as I've been doing it for years anyway. If there is a next guy he will have to be at least where I am financially (which is not much!) and be interested in a true partnership. We all have to put up with stupid bosses and policies, but how can these men think it's OK to put their pride before their employment because they won't tolerate whatever they don't agree with? You can't be an employee and do things any way you want - we all have to suck it up for a job. If these guys didn't have a wife, I wonder what would they do? Please understand, I'm not knocking your hubbies - especially after the men I married! Many of you seem to be adapting to the new normal in your households. What makes it work is a sense of teamwork between the two of you, each doing what needs to be done. A wife can't be the breadwinner and then come home to housework & cooking while the husband plays - that situation won't last long without resentment.
...See More
Has anyone had concrete underpinning done?
Q
Comments (5)
Thank you for your replies. I, too (having been born and bred in New York), thought that all homes in the USA were had either basements or concrete slabs, but that's not true. In warmer states (Texas, California), a lot of "California Bungalows" and similar were built the same way as mine. In fact, two were recently featured on TV over there - one on "This Old House" ("the Austin project"), and another on "Monster House" (where they built the Hawaiian-themed backyard with all the surfboard stuff). As I'd only ever had homes over here built on slabs (no basements here), I've never had to deal with this type of construction before, although it's reasonably common, especially among older homes built prior to 1960 or so. One problem which later emerged was that the same type of footings were used, regardless of soil-type. We're on clay, and it's particularly reactive (just as in TOH's Austin house) to cycles of wet and drought. The problem here is that there's not much "wet" anymore to help expand the clay particles, so they shrink further and further. It is becoming a very common problem in the area in which I live. Couple that with the old "northern hemisphere" (non-drought-tolerant) trees planted along the streets by town councils of old, and it's even worse (the trees send roots out under the footings and suck even more moisture from the soil). Is is explained in more detail here, for anyone interested: http://www.greenweb.com.au/archicentre/html/diy_cracking_checklist.html And thanks again for your replies. Here is a link that might be useful: Why houses settle and crack
...See More
Has anyone had this experience? (Silly...)
Q
Comments (13)
I have the same problem for 3 years now, I moved and bought a brand new W/D and still the same problem. I don't have any Bleach in the House. Always on my collar area and my Under wears (boxers) and the Towels. Pillow cases are not a problem just my clothes. its very frustrating, I buy a brand new shirt and wash it once and the Collar is bleached. and its with beige and light blue colored shirts. Oh I have a front loader so I can't fill up with soap and water first. I used to use Tide and switched to All. might go down again in my soap. and I know its not acne medicine cus I don't use any my facial soap has some but I don't use it in any private areas so My boxers should not bleach. A friend thinks it's something me and my wife is eating and its probably coming out of our pours and having a chemical reaction.
...See More
justnotmartha
18 years ago
Can you get a stool and tell her that sister may have a step-mom, but she has a step STOOL!?! :-)

My son's have asked why sissy has 2 moms (I'm custodial and she calls me mom) and they don't, but when I start to answer they get bored quickly, so I don't think they really care about the answer.
lovehadley
18 years ago
Oh yes.

We always tell STBSS how lucky he is to have two homes, and two families that love him.

My daughter has said before that it's not fair, she wants to have two families, too.

I, of course, think how fortunate SHE is to be in the same house, with me and my fiance (who really may as well be her dad), and not to go back and forth..but I can't very well say that.

Can't win for losing sometimes!
ashley1979
18 years ago
IMO, this is just a case of a child feeling like someone else is getting more than her. It's just a natural thing that kids feel like they are entitled to the same of everything as their siblings. It would be the same if sister had 2 Barbies as opposed to her 1. She would cry and be upset because she wants 2 Barbies, too.

I bet if you just kind of ignore the situation, it will just go away. And sister probably said it in order to make herself feel better about coming from a broken home. I think that a lot of times children (or just people in general) tend to glamorize and brag about the bad things in their life to make them not seem so shocking and undesireable. So SD says "Well I get a SM and you don't" as a way to make having a broken home look like the better deal.
imamommy
18 years ago
"I, of course, think how fortunate SHE is to be in the same house, with me and my fiance (who really may as well be her dad)"

Don't fool yourself by believing that. I thought the exact same way and my daughter is now 18 and just opened up to me about how painful it is growing up without her dad. Even though she had my ex when she was small, and now my husband, both of whom she's thought of as "dad's" to her (her words, not mine) she still has something missing because her dad wasn't a part of her life and I feel guilty for not doing more to try and make it happen.

I'm not trying to go off topic, but I have to agree with your daughter that probably feels she's missing something in not having her dad in her life. The difference in OP's case is that her child does have her dad in the home. (I can agree however that for purposes of dealing with your ex and the behavioral changes that occur when a child goes back and forth, it is easier to NOT have to deal with that. It may make day to day life easier for you and your daughter, but she may still grow up like she's missing a piece of her puzzle)
lovehadley
18 years ago
"It may make day to day life easier for you and your daughter, but she may still grow up like she's missing a piece of her puzzle)"

Oh, I don't doubt that at all. I know at some point, whether when she is 10 or 18, or somewhere in between, she will be more curious about her bio-dad and want some answers. She may even want to meet him. And that's all okay. I am fully prepared for that and I believe it is her right. If he were to call today, even after 6 years, and say he wanted to talk to her, see her, I would be supportive of doing that in a constructive way--just because I feel it is not MY place to say no.

BUT seriously--the guy is a total loser. He has two other kids, neither of whom he sees, and I'm not sure if it was the child support for my daughter that landed him in jail, or one of the other kids. The guy is really a deadbeat in every sense of the word.

I don't feel my daughter is missing out by not having him in her life. I have a friend who was raised by a man who was not her father, and to this day, HE is her dad--she is now 27 years old.

I get what you are saying, but I think my daughter's situation is easier because it's so cut and dry-he has never been around.

That all said, I know it will be her "issue" in life and I just hope she knows however she wants to handle it as she gets older, I will be supportive.

She has asked me a few times things about her dad, and so far--my simple answers seem to satisfy--"he lives far away in a different state, his name is P, etc." She did ask me one time a year ago why he didn't love her. THAT was a hard one. I told her that her dad doesn't KNOW her, and that I am positive if he knew her, he would love her. I then proceeded to remind her of all the people that DO know her (grandparents, uncle, fiance, cousins, etc) and love her.
doodleboo
18 years ago
My girls have done the same thing. Now that I'm pregnant it's really hard for them. They don't understand why the baby is MY baby and I'm his Mama but I'm only their STEP mama.

They will actually ARGUE with me that I am their Mama. I have tried to correct them explaining that the Mama is the one whoes belly you were in, I married your daddy so I am your STEP Mama. It just upsets them and they hear none of it.

I had one even tell me ""I don't WANT any step mama's! Just BOTH Mama's!!!" I finally just let it go and they both call me Mama. Even Jonathan will say things like "Bring it to your Mama" bacause they argue with him also if he calls me Doodle. "It's not Doodle daddy...that's Mama."
doodleboo
18 years ago
That's too funny. It sounds like a little bit of possessivness is brewing between your daughter and Step daughter...hahaha. It goes to show that they both love you:)

It was very wise for you not to mention that your daughter is lucky to not have a step mother because it surely would of hurt her feelings. You KNOW that in a jealous moment of temporary insanity your daughter would of said "WELL MY MAMA SAID"...hahahaha. Kids think that Mama is always right:)
fiveinall
Original Author
18 years ago
thanks for all the good ideas. I think for now I am going to just ignore it.... I am not certain that SD said it to be mean, I am almost wondering if she said it to remind herself, BM hasn't been around or spoken to SD in over 6 mos and really was barely involved before that so I think it is hard for SD sometimes rationalizing that I have done all the care and mom things 100% since she ws a toddler and that I am not bio mom. This parenting thing has turned out to be tougher than I thought!LOL

has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

Comments (10)

imamommy

mom2emall

Related Discussions

justnotmartha

lovehadley

ashley1979

imamommy

lovehadley

doodleboo

doodleboo

fiveinall
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

Comments (10)

Related Discussions

fiveinallOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

fiveinall
Original Author