has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

15 years ago

My 4yr came busting in this morning in tears because SD 10 told her that I am SD's Step Mom, and that she (bio4) does not get to have a Step mom only her. (I am not sure if SD said this to be mean to bio4 or not, I wasn't in the room so i don't know)

She told me that she wants a step mom too, very bad please and that it isn't fair that her big sister gets one and she doesn't. (ok so I kinda wanted to giggle at this point but she was really upset.....)

I explained to her that yes I was her sisters SM, but that I was her (4yr olds) biological mom meaning she came out of my belly and her sister didn't. And things like that really don't make a diff. anyways.

I really wanted to tell her she was very lucky to not have to have a step mom, that it is better to have both your parents right there with you, but didn't because I was worried that it might hurt SD feelings.

I think this is so shocking to bio4yrs because SD's BM has not been involved in SD life in a long time,and SD rarely brings BM up.

So bio4 is still talking about it this evening and Im not sure just what else I should do or say to help bio4 feel better or understand? Has anyone else had this situation?

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Comments (10)

imamommy
15 years ago
This reminds me of my little sister. She was about three years old and our dog had puppies and she cried because she wanted to be a puppy too.
mom2emall
15 years ago
Well my ss cried before and threw a fit because I am his stepmom and not his bm. He said he wanted only me to be his mom when I explained to him that he has another mom too.
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justnotmartha
15 years ago
Can you get a stool and tell her that sister may have a step-mom, but she has a step STOOL!?! :-)

My son's have asked why sissy has 2 moms (I'm custodial and she calls me mom) and they don't, but when I start to answer they get bored quickly, so I don't think they really care about the answer.
lovehadley
15 years ago
Oh yes.

We always tell STBSS how lucky he is to have two homes, and two families that love him.

My daughter has said before that it's not fair, she wants to have two families, too.

I, of course, think how fortunate SHE is to be in the same house, with me and my fiance (who really may as well be her dad), and not to go back and forth..but I can't very well say that.

Can't win for losing sometimes!
ashley1979
15 years ago
IMO, this is just a case of a child feeling like someone else is getting more than her. It's just a natural thing that kids feel like they are entitled to the same of everything as their siblings. It would be the same if sister had 2 Barbies as opposed to her 1. She would cry and be upset because she wants 2 Barbies, too.

I bet if you just kind of ignore the situation, it will just go away. And sister probably said it in order to make herself feel better about coming from a broken home. I think that a lot of times children (or just people in general) tend to glamorize and brag about the bad things in their life to make them not seem so shocking and undesireable. So SD says "Well I get a SM and you don't" as a way to make having a broken home look like the better deal.
imamommy
15 years ago
"I, of course, think how fortunate SHE is to be in the same house, with me and my fiance (who really may as well be her dad)"

Don't fool yourself by believing that. I thought the exact same way and my daughter is now 18 and just opened up to me about how painful it is growing up without her dad. Even though she had my ex when she was small, and now my husband, both of whom she's thought of as "dad's" to her (her words, not mine) she still has something missing because her dad wasn't a part of her life and I feel guilty for not doing more to try and make it happen.

I'm not trying to go off topic, but I have to agree with your daughter that probably feels she's missing something in not having her dad in her life. The difference in OP's case is that her child does have her dad in the home. (I can agree however that for purposes of dealing with your ex and the behavioral changes that occur when a child goes back and forth, it is easier to NOT have to deal with that. It may make day to day life easier for you and your daughter, but she may still grow up like she's missing a piece of her puzzle)
lovehadley
15 years ago
"It may make day to day life easier for you and your daughter, but she may still grow up like she's missing a piece of her puzzle)"

Oh, I don't doubt that at all. I know at some point, whether when she is 10 or 18, or somewhere in between, she will be more curious about her bio-dad and want some answers. She may even want to meet him. And that's all okay. I am fully prepared for that and I believe it is her right. If he were to call today, even after 6 years, and say he wanted to talk to her, see her, I would be supportive of doing that in a constructive way--just because I feel it is not MY place to say no.

BUT seriously--the guy is a total loser. He has two other kids, neither of whom he sees, and I'm not sure if it was the child support for my daughter that landed him in jail, or one of the other kids. The guy is really a deadbeat in every sense of the word.

I don't feel my daughter is missing out by not having him in her life. I have a friend who was raised by a man who was not her father, and to this day, HE is her dad--she is now 27 years old.

I get what you are saying, but I think my daughter's situation is easier because it's so cut and dry-he has never been around.

That all said, I know it will be her "issue" in life and I just hope she knows however she wants to handle it as she gets older, I will be supportive.

She has asked me a few times things about her dad, and so far--my simple answers seem to satisfy--"he lives far away in a different state, his name is P, etc." She did ask me one time a year ago why he didn't love her. THAT was a hard one. I told her that her dad doesn't KNOW her, and that I am positive if he knew her, he would love her. I then proceeded to remind her of all the people that DO know her (grandparents, uncle, fiance, cousins, etc) and love her.
doodleboo
15 years ago
My girls have done the same thing. Now that I'm pregnant it's really hard for them. They don't understand why the baby is MY baby and I'm his Mama but I'm only their STEP mama.

They will actually ARGUE with me that I am their Mama. I have tried to correct them explaining that the Mama is the one whoes belly you were in, I married your daddy so I am your STEP Mama. It just upsets them and they hear none of it.

I had one even tell me ""I don't WANT any step mama's! Just BOTH Mama's!!!" I finally just let it go and they both call me Mama. Even Jonathan will say things like "Bring it to your Mama" bacause they argue with him also if he calls me Doodle. "It's not Doodle daddy...that's Mama."
doodleboo
15 years ago
That's too funny. It sounds like a little bit of possessivness is brewing between your daughter and Step daughter...hahaha. It goes to show that they both love you:)

It was very wise for you not to mention that your daughter is lucky to not have a step mother because it surely would of hurt her feelings. You KNOW that in a jealous moment of temporary insanity your daughter would of said "WELL MY MAMA SAID"...hahahaha. Kids think that Mama is always right:)
fiveinall
Original Author
15 years ago
thanks for all the good ideas. I think for now I am going to just ignore it.... I am not certain that SD said it to be mean, I am almost wondering if she said it to remind herself, BM hasn't been around or spoken to SD in over 6 mos and really was barely involved before that so I think it is hard for SD sometimes rationalizing that I have done all the care and mom things 100% since she ws a toddler and that I am not bio mom. This parenting thing has turned out to be tougher than I thought!LOL

has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

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imamommy

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has anyone had Bio's get upset because they do not have a SM??

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