'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

18 years ago

An idea - in my continuing quest for us all to get along (I'm gonna get my Brady Bunch one way or another!!) I propose we all "get to know" each other so that we can refer back to this if we can't remember who is what. Nothing too deep or earth shattering, just a brief bio, blood type and SSN should do. :-)

If we each start a post with our "name" as the topic it should be easy to refer to. Watch, I'll go first . . . .

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Comments (31)

notwicked
18 years ago
Hi All -

I have two grown sons and five grandchildren. As a BM, I worked hard at showing my boys' SM that her involvement with my sons was important - to me and to them. I made sure that she was properly introduced and included as a SM when my sons' fiancees had their bridal showers and later, their baby showers. I made certain that my sons acknowledged her each year on Mother's Day and on her birthday. She was not excluded whatsoever and, because of the classy lady she is, we have a good relationship to this day. I always look forward to seeing her at the grandchildren's parties. According to the principle of Karma, I should receive a nice BM, right?

As a SM, my experience has not been so good. I came into DH's family six years ago with a desire to join. That did not happen. His adult children were not welcoming and neither was their BM (who caused the divorce b/c of her infidelity with a coworker).

DH & I have worked through many hurts and sadnesses especially caused by SD. And some of the problems have been caused by BM's negative input which we have personally witnessed for ourselves. At this point in time, we are holding onto the hope that things may look up in the future as SD matures.

As for SS, things have been moving slowly in the right direction and we are able to get together every once in a while with he & his fiancee who live several hours away.

Things I enjoy.....

DH/family/friends
movies
reading
nature walks
photography
music
laughing :))
Jonesy
18 years ago
I was a stepmother for 33 years. I didn't have any step children living with me, 2 were married and the other one was in jr high and visited us over night on the week end. I treated them like my own children, Sunday dinners and holidays, bar-b-cues, watermelon feeds, etc., at our house, it was great for awhile. My problem was the BM because the man she left my husband for decided he couldn't leave his family, then she wanted her former/my husband back. He filed for divorce and tried to have me evicted from the home. He left me for two weeks decided that he loved me more than he thought he did and he came home. But it left me emotionally scared for a long time. I eventually rented our rental house to her and we became "cordial'. We had a common problem and that was her children trying to break both of us because they didn't manage their finances. I could talk to her about this and I couldn't with my husband. Continuing to borrow from us caused us problem that ruined our relationship with all of our kids. None were sick and couldn't work, just went shopping and couldn't pay their bills with what they had left. My husband died in April and I haven't seen them, I wouldn't answer the phone if they called.
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Posted by triximky (My Page) on Tue, Feb 17, 09 at 20:24 I have a fiance with a child and a past...He has been sober for the past 2 years, attends AA, and his wife will not 'allow' him to drive his child. There is nothing in the divorce papers saying he can't drive, but she insist that he doesn't drive and expects me to do all the driving. They are going to court for this soon, but it has been a year since we have 'respected' her wishes. I wouldn't mind doing it all the time, if I was well....I have problems driving with my lupus. We both don't know what to do except for him to start driving without her 'approval' and hope nothing bad happens. I am just too tired to do it anymore especially since I just got out of surgery yesterday and now my doctors have refused to look into why I am exhausted all the time until I recover from my surgery for at least a month. I don't want to 'tell' his ex that my health is bad because she would either force my fiance to visit his daughter at her house like the 'happy little family' she wants back after I stole it away from her or will try to stop visitation at all. She is just very prejudice when it comes to her daughter and my disability thinking that I am diseased and her daughter shouldn't be exposed to me. It's frustrating! I just don't know what to do??? ************************************************************************************** I re-posted your other thread because as believer mentioned, there are relevant facts about you being the breakup of their 'happy little family' and that your BF has been sober for two years, which suggests other issues are going on... probably more than can be dealt with on a public forum. But since you have brought it here, I'll toss out my honest opinion... for what it's worth. Take it or leave it, I don't care. If you caused his marriage to break up or if you prevented a reconciliation before his break up was complete, then you will always be seen as the other woman. You don't sound as if you are very secure in the relationship itself as you don't want him to have visitation at her house, without you. Even if SHE wants him back, and she probably does if she feels you stole him away, that doesn't mean HE would go back, does it? Personally, I could not be with someone that I could not trust. Your insecurity over your BF is probably why you are becoming so invested in all the issues between him and his ex when you aren't even married to him. What is HE doing to help you feel secure? What is he doing that makes you feel insecure? I don't like my DH's ex but if the only way he could see his daughter was in her house every Saturday afternoon without me, I would not like it but I wouldn't think she has a snowballs chance in hell of 'winning' him back and he would go see his daughter. If he wants to drive to get his daughter and he has a license, then she does not control that. He can ask a court to give him permission to transport his daughter or he can make BM bring his daughter to him. YOU don't need to be involved at all. It does not matter how much money she makes, how much he makes or how much child support is paid, if she can't make ends meet and he can't give her any more, then it's NOT your problem. You don't have to respond to her requests for money. You don't have to answer your phone if you see it's her. You don't have to be involved at all. If you are involving yourself because you don't trust him to handle things and it stresses you out, who's fault is that? I don't mean to sound harsh but as I read through your other posts, I can't help but wonder why you are jeopardizing your health, dealing with problems you don't have to deal with. I can understand you wanting to jump in and take care of things because that's what we do as women sometimes. I've done it. But, I also know that if it's affecting my health and causing me more stress than it's worth, I am not going to let her cause my health to suffer.
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Soon-to-be, As for being attacked, I've been attacked too, when I first started to post. I suggest you try to ignore that and glean what you can from the good advice given here. You are about to make a big change in your life with marriage and becoming a step-parent. My stepdaughters were in their early 20's when my husband and I got married, so I don't have experience with a child, but when kids are spoiled and allowed or even encouraged to get away with bad behavior, it can really mold their personality as an adult. The case in point are my two stepdaughers. The older one was absolutely spoiled rotten by her Mom and Dad. My husband has even called her a spoiled, rotten brat and we're talking about a woman who is over the age of 30 with a family of her own. She was never displined and there was a huge disparity in the way she was raised versus her little sister and what she got versus her little sister. Now everyone, including both of her parents, are a little bit afraid of her because she screams and yells when things don't go exactly as she wants them to. It obviously worked when she was a kid, so why not now? She has a mean streak a mile long and I've seen this in her attitude toward her father, her mother, her younger sister and even my dog, who she kicked once simply because he was in her way. I avoid her like the plague. It is the only thing I can do and keep my sanity and sense of well-being. Is it my fault that she is like this? I didn't raise her. On the opposite side of the spectrum is the youngest SD, who has a sweet disposition and is a loving, unselfish person. She didn't receive the same physical and intellectual blessings as her older sister. Her parents were very loving with her, but didn't over-inflate her ego like they did with the oldest daughter. I absolutely love her and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. You are wise to take note of this child's behavior. It is a red flag of things to come. Does your fiance see her behavior as a problem? Does he have a strong enough personality to help make a change in her behavior now, before it is too late? If he doesn't see it, it will be a great source of problems for you when you are married. Best of luck and please keep posting.
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Huh? Ashley who said your DH uses his German heritage, I missed it. I never heard of any job privileges for Germans in the US, there are advantages of being German in Germany but not in the US, so i don't see how being German is any advantage? One does not put in on job application (no box for that), "Hispanic" is on job application. By the way racial terms are very confusing in the US. Spanish people in Europe are Whites, yet in the US people of the same decent are Hispanics as a separate race. They are not separate race but separate ethnicity, different thing. lonepiper, of course everyone has rights to post whatever and ashley has rights to reply to their "whatever" with her "whatever". And it is cool, let's all say "whatever", but there are some things that are crossing boundaries here like saying that "n" word is harmless and is embraced by blacks. No need to do that. And we have African-Americans on this forum too.
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dirt_yfingernails
18 years ago
Both. SD's were grown and live out of state, which both DH and I are grateful for. My three DD's live out of state. 21 year old son is still at home and in college and working full-time to pay his own way through school. We are raising DH's 13 yo DGS who has special needs. I am co-guardian for my DB who is disabled from strokes and diabetes.
sweeby
18 years ago
I'm mostly a BioMom to DS 16 (who lives 2 blocks away with my Ex and a lovely StepMom with whom I get along well) and DS 11 (DH's and mine) with special needs. Ex has NPD and is not particularly involved, except in a 'trophy' capacity, but since it's important for him to appear to be in charge, his wife (StepMom) and I make the arrangements and co-parent pretty effectively.

I'm only 'technical StepMom' to DH's kids, DS 33 and DD 26, but we all get along and treat each other with consideration and mutual respect. DSS lived with us for about a year, but was an adult then, so I didn't play a role in raising either of them.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
never been a bio-mom.

been both a step-mom to young ones (mom very much in the children's lives & I had them lots of holidays & vacations & most week-ends); that marriage ended when children were still in grade school.
also been a "father's wife"-he had adult children.
on my own now, been where a lot of you have been/are.

I like long walks on the beach, good wine, & poetry (it's a joke!)-

I like dogs & gardening & peace & quiet.
sieryn
18 years ago
Well I'm a SM to SS7 and SS11, have been taking care of SS7 since he was in diapers. DH has full custody of both boys (BM is rarely in the picture) and we have three more DS2, DS1 and DS-Newborn of our own. SS11 has had some hard times adjusting to his mothers addictions but this last year he's really come around on his behavior and schoolwork so our house has been pretty turmoil free.

I'm also a recently new SD, my Mom died of cancer and my Dad promptly remarried a woman who absolutely hates everything that was in his life before her. So I get the joy of being on both sides of that coin in two very different scenarios.

Other than that I'm a corporate techno geekette for one of the largest communication companies (tv internet phone all that jazz) in the us, DH is in a similar field. When I'm not on call I like movies,tv, furry critters and science fiction!
mom_of_4
18 years ago
I am both- I am a BM to my Dd 4. Her father is no longer alive (committed suicide two days before her second birthday). I am also SM to three; DS 10, DS 8, and DD 6. Up until, about a month ago all of the children lived with us. Mostly, my problems revolve around a BM who does not involve herself with the children but doesnt want anyone else to do it either. From one day to the next we have no idea what she is going to do or say. One minute she wants the kids, to be super mom and makes plans to pick them up do homework etc etc... then the next she changes her plans becuase she cant make it for one reason or another. Even, with the recent "switch" to them living with her for the school year... they still end up with us most nights and we are still the ones shuttling the kids everywhere. Up until recently we took a dont rock the boat status on everything .. because legally she is the CP and we should be paying her child support. However, for the last two years the kids have lived with us and we have recieved no support. Interestingly enough, after she moved in with BF she decided she wants kids for this school year... apparently last friday she filed for child support to be taken out of DHs check.... this has opened a whole new bag of worms with a woman who wouldnt even answer the phone to talk to her kids, feed them or dress them appropriately for more than two years. We thought we were doing the right thing by agreeing to the kids living with her this school year and not fighting it because we assumed she was interested in the same thing we were... the kids being allowed time to bond with mom...

Obviously, we were mistaken and there were other motives involved and now we are looking at a very uphill battle to do what we feel is right for the kids.
quirk
18 years ago
Neither. Yet, anyway.

I am a stepdaughter. My parents separated when I was 12 (divorced a year later). I have a mom, a dad, three brothers (no halves or steps), a SM, a DMMSW (Dude My Mom Shacks With; could also be known as mom's long-term live-in boyfriend but that acronym MLTLIBF is just too long), a boatload of NESSs (Not Exactly Step Siblings; i.e. kids of DMMSW), and when I joined THS a couple years ago (mainly for kitchens, which I was remodelling at the time), I poked my head in here mainly out of curiosity but didn't stick around.

Anyway, I'm now dating a man who's divorced with grown kids and a couple of grandkids, and it's a whole new realm for me. So far, it mainly involves me trying to wrap my mind around the amount of time involved with having a family (me, never married no kids, halfway across the country from my own family, him, exwife, three kids, two grandkids with another on the way plus all his sibs and extended family living in the area) that I'm not yet a part of. Plus dealing with him complaining about how spoiled his kids are ("but, aren't you the one who raised them"; "yes, dear, your kids are ungrateful brats"; "no, dear, you're all wrong and kid is right" I'm pretty sure are not the correct responses although I've gotten away with mild versions of all of them), or issues he has with XW (not touching that one with a 1000-ft pole). But if things continue to go as they are, it'll get around to developing a relationship with the kids and grandkids and I'm sure dealing with exwife who he talks to pretty regularly with kid/grandkid issues. This is my first relationship with kids or exwives involved, so I'm giving some thought to the step relationship from the step-parent rather than step-child side of the aisle.

Families are complicated.
plasticgarden
18 years ago
My husband and I share a bio child of ten years old together.
I have 3 step daughters who are ages 18 and 15.(two of them are twins)My husband never married their moms,he was pretty young when he had them.

None of my step daughters live with us currently,although one of the 18 year old twins may be moving in with us so she can go to College in our state.(they live very far away from here)
I'am 30 and my husband is 36.

I'am also a step daughter two times over. Although my mom just seperated from stepdad number two after 12 years of marriage.
cawfecup
18 years ago
cawfecup Still "newlywed" 2 years

DD22, lives on her own, Moved out when she was 20 just before I got married.

SD18 Mom has been MIA for more than 10 years. Within the last week quit her job and dropped out of college.

DS 15 was living with dad (Weekends here)moved in here (weekends there) to go to a better high school.

SS12, SS9, SD8,
Hubby is CP. Their mom is the main source of friction in our home.

If I do anything for them she complains(to the children) I am overstepping my bounds... if I do nothing for them she complains (to the children) I have to do more.... no win situation... there is no happy medium.

Someday I will find it :-).
kathline
18 years ago
is both

I have four children of my own, all boys. The oldest is disabled, and is 24. Then 22, 18, and 13. The 24 year old lives in a group home, the 22 year old lives on his own,although he ends up here most weekends, and the 18 and 13 year old live full time with me and my husband.

Husband and I have been married five years, together for seven. He is 8 years younger than I am. He works as a scientist, I am a SAHM.

I am stepmother to two, a girl 12, and a boy 10. Originally they lived full time with their mom, and visted with us EOW. Husband was transferred , and then we had only long distances visit for about a year, which sucked so badly that husband found a new job close to the kids. Real mom was charged by CPS for hitting and biting the daughter, at that time 10 years old. When husband found out, he got joint physical custody, and real mom got ordered into therapy. She has improved and since remarried. We have the kids two nights a week, plus a three day weekend every second week, a full fifty fifty split time wise.

My husband's ex wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, she is much improved since she began therapy, and my husband and me have also learned ways to deal with her, through the filter of her illness. Her new husband is difficult. He tends to try to control the issues, instead of letting mom do it.

The only one of the children having difficulties at this time is the 12 year old girl, and the two households have different ways of reacting to her problems, which is what drove me to this board.
wimom27
18 years ago
I am BM to 6 children daughter(23) who has a son and is going through a divorce right now. My husb. and I are currently raising her son (17 mos) in our home; My son (21) is in the Army Reserves and is engaged to his HS sweetheart who has a little boy. The rest of the kids live with us at home still--- daughter (17), daughter (almost 16), daughter (14), and daughter (12).

I am also SM to my beautiful and talented SD (13)who also lives with us full-time! My husb. has full legal and physical custody of SD.

We live approx. 6 hours away from both my ex and his ex (we moved because of a job offer for my hubby). We meet halfway for the EOW and holiday exchanges, so kids are still on the same visitation schedule as they would have if we lived closer. In fact, there have been many times that we will make the drive all the way and visit friends in the area while we are there!

My ex is so easy to work with pertaining to schedules, child support, kid's needs/wants, etc... it is GREAT! Then... on the flip side, my husb's ex (BM to SD) is horrible to even try to communicate with on every day things, she is very inflexible, demanding, rude, manipulative, and just plain impossible! Forget switching a weekend! She makes it very clear that her life is about HER and has very little to no concern about what is best for her daughter.

Anyway, I am here to mostly get help learning to deal with my feelings towards BM as well as just to have a place to vent occasionally and get advice on things as they come up.
kkny
18 years ago
Winom,

If your DH chose to move, and i understand it was for a job, I think the mom is doing a lot of compromising to meet you 1/2 way.
wimom27
18 years ago
I understand that both of the ex's are compromising to meet 1/2 way, and that is great! BUT that is not where we have any of the issues. Problems arise when BM will not consider SD's wishes to switch (not lose a weekend... just rearrange it) for SD to participate in her sports, fair, or other activities. This is only even approached a couple of times a year when an activity falls on BM's weekend. BM gets rude and mean when asked if she could/would switch. In fact, there have been times when my husb. has even offered an additional day or even a HOLIDAY weekend to switch for a regular weekend so that SD can participate in something.... Even rearranging a phone call to a later time ends up becoming a fight. Just stupid, ridiculous every day stuff becomes a major battle with BM.
notwicked
18 years ago
Can we please keep this post free from replies? It's much easier to look up someone's bio if this post is only used as such.
lonepiper
18 years ago
I don't know, I kinda thought that JNM wanted us to each start a NEW post with our "name" as the title just like she did with the post entitled "Notjustmartha."
cawfecup
18 years ago
bump
justnotmartha
Original Author
18 years ago
You're right lonepiper, but whatever works!!
Good bump cawfe, I think we have many new people to get to know.
hecallsmemom
18 years ago
I posted on the other also, but just for giggles, I'll post here too.

This was a very good idea ladies! Maybe it will bring us back around to thinking of each other as fellow women, mothers, and wives/girlfriends rather than just a name on a screen. That's my hope anyways.....

Once again, I am Nina, I'm 29, DH is 37. We have been married for 2 years, together for 1 1/2 and friends before that for 3 years. We're a strong couple going through some really rough times with our kids. We've learned along the way to ship the kids off to Nana's when we need some couple time and to not be afraid to call Mom and whine about the kids. They always listen and then tell us where we're messing up.

I was married once before, and he was married twice before. My son is from my previous marriage and his daughter is from a previous relationship that didn't make it to marriage.

We have two kids as far as we're concerned, my son who is 11 and his daughter who is 13 and then we have our cat who is the other child (Besides DH! Ha!) in the house. Not sure about other kids (see other post), but we're thinking about it.

We both have odd senses of humor, mine running on the slightly sarcastic side, and while he's a total homebody, I'm a bit of a daredevil, when the kids aren't with me of course.

I refuse to drive a mini-van OR a volvo, though there is nothing wrong with them, they just don't suit me. I just honestly can't see me pulling up to DS's or SD's school in a mini-van. Ha!

So now that I'm done rambling, I'll say that I appreciate all of you, honestly & from the bottom of my heart. Even those of you with I'll say "strong opinions". This forum may need a little work, but you won't find a bigger group of women (and some men!) more dedicated to their children. Rather than getting mad and taking it out on the kids, we come here. This is our "scratching post".
Keep on ladies!
pseudo_mom
17 years ago
bump
mom2emall
17 years ago
I am both. I am a biomom to one ds. I am a full-time stepmom to 1ss and 2sds. Their bm is what Sweeby called a "trophy parent". She is involved when she wants to show off. She moved out of state 2 years ago and just moved back a few days ago. So she went from not seeing and rarely talking to the kids to being a thorn in my side the last few days!

Most people just know me as a mom to 4 wonderful kids though.
silversword
17 years ago
I'm a BM to one, SM to one, and a "skiddie" myself. (that is just too cute, I had to steal it.)
ceph
17 years ago
Neither at the moment?
FDH and I are getting married in November, at which point I will be SM to his 9yo son, A__.
junegemstar
17 years ago
Lol Silversword, feel free to use it. If I'm not mistaken, I got that term from somewhere on this board.....

I am a SM to my 3 skids, 2 girls and a boy. I've been their SM for the past.....2 weeks and so far it's been really good. I've known them for about 2 years now, and I haven't really had any issues with them, other than me adjusting to having three kids around. (That was difficult! I have no kids and I couldn't understand why everything was so loud and chaotic! But we all adjusted smoothly, and now I love having them around.)

Ceph, that makes you FSM :)
organic_maria
17 years ago
I am both. and i'm also a stepchild. I am a biomom to my DS 3 and technical SM to SS 10 and SD 13. They come EOW and now adays once a month from SD cause she' s teen and those are the years when its her life and no one else..lol..to be expected. Been married to my hubby for 6 years. And hopefully will find out soon if i'm expecting ..... never thought i'ld be excited to pee on a stick!! ahahhaaa
There has always been friction with BM who i completely ignore and the number one rule in our house now is do not speak about her and her business is to be kept out of ours. Works great, no fights wih hubby and he cuts the convo short with her as well when she begins a fight. She now married for the last few years so her hands are full and also has no tiem anymore to fight. So things have been quiet and i think we all like it like that.
mom1sm2
17 years ago
I am a BM to a very determined 3 year old girl. I am the SM to a very outgoing 10 year old. They get along famously and love each other so much it makes me teary sometimes. They even fight sometimes which I find so cute since they are 7 years apart.

Becoming a stepmom was really easy as my SS was extremely accepting of me. He is a very loving child with a heart of gold. He and I sometimes drive each other nuts, but he is a great person and I am lucky to have him in my life.

I have been married for four years and with DH for six years. I love married life and having a family.

I am 29 and my husband is 30. My DH works in the medical field and I work as a work-at-home-mom also in the medical field. I love working from home and the flexibility that I have. I also love working part time.

I enjoy decorating, gardening, landscaping shows, coffee, going to the mountains, festivals, animals, my family, and weekend mornings!!
doodleboo
17 years ago
Divorced and re-married to a wonderful man who has two 5 year old twin daughters from his first marriage.

The girls live with us full time. Mom isn't too much on the scene.

We are expecting our first child together in January...another little girl. It will be my first biological child. We are all super excited! :)
believer
17 years ago
I was married with custody of 1st SD for 13 years. She is now 33 and still in my life. I divorced and was a single parent for 12 years. I am remarried now and we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary on Oct. 7th. I now have a SD10 whose mommy died of cancer when she was 6. My other SD30 has two kids so I have 2 SGKs ages 4 and 6. I am the mother of a 20 year old daughter and a 16 year old son.

I have 2 cocker spaniels which I love dearly. One is my 4 legged soul mate. He loves his mommy madly.

I worked in a factory for 20 years and became disabled with a chronic sciatic nerve disorder in 1999. I was in college to become an elementary school teacher but quit. I regret it.

I'm an artist. A gardener and a stay at home mom. I like to read, laugh, talk with my kids, go to a cabin in the summer time, swim, go for walks and decorate my home. I am 49.
fiveinall
17 years ago
I am a ft SM to SD (DH has full physical and legal custody since a toddler) and ft BM to 2.

my experience has been positive as a SM I wouldnt change it for the world, the only thing Iwould change would be SD BM choosing not to be involved in her life, it makes SD sad and therefore makes me sad..however this may be why my experience has been positive since i have no bm to deal with!
athlete2010
17 years ago
Hi justnotmartha,

I'm in the neither catagory for a different reason. I'm a stepdad and a dad.

I've been married for 11 years and my two stepkids are now adults. My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter together.

Athlete
momof5angels
17 years ago
I am a BM of 2 boys (ages 15 and *almost* 12)
I am a SM of 3, 1 girl and 2 boys (girl age 13, boys ages 11 and 9)

We have sole custody of all 5 children (so ages are 15, 13, 12, 11 and 9.) If I hear "You sure have your hands full" ONE MORE TIME......... Hahahaha!

I have been married for 3 1/2 years. With my DH for 5 years.

I have a work at home business (subcontracted marketing) which is a huge blessing considering all of our youngins (and is also why you will find me here at various times of the day and night. LOL!)

'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

Comments (31)

notwicked

Jonesy

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'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

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