Could you define what disprect is? I am a biomom also. Is is disrecpect when my duaghter calls my husbands GF a homewrecker (they were seeing each ohter while I was still married to X)?

If I understand you, theotherside, my husband and his kids have just stopped by to visit in my home. I am just one of the non-parent adults with whom they interact. We are, in other words, not going to be a family. I am just going to be a hotel keeper. If that's the way it really is, okay. It's not the way he said he wanted it in the beginning.

I also wanted to say, for 20 years my sisters and brothers have trusted me to watch their kids, be it in my home or theirs, and I have never, ever done anything to make a sibling furious or even annoyed with me over how I treated one of their kids. Nor any friend with their kids, nor anyone, ever in my life has gotten furious or even annoyed with me over how I treated their kids.
Frankly, this is not about whether a non-parental adult knows where the boundaries are in dealing with other people's kids. It's about the special dynamic of a divorced parent feeling conflicted about his or her kids having to put up with a stepparent.

I agree with you cubbie, it is about the dynamics of the situaiton. Your skids might be perfectly nice to you if you werent the SM, and they were resentful of the divorce and what it means to them. It may not have to do with you as a person, but your role.

You are just one of the non-parent adults in their lives, but that should not be equated to being a hotel keeper.

I think it is about differences in opinion on the boundaries in dealing with other people's kids - differences in opinion, not between you and me, but between you and your husband. It may not be the way he said he wanted it in the beginning; he may well have honestly thought that he wanted you to function as a parent to his children. It is easy to believe that hypothetically, especially when you are newly in love, but to have a non-parent discipline his children, especially when you have very different parenting styles, probably bothers your husband far more than he ever expected.

KKNY, I will define what disrespect is...

Disrespect is teaching your children to be rude to people, like you do. I'm sure that it makes you feel better to teach your children bad manners in order to take revenge on your ex-husband's girlfriend. But you are not helping your children by doing so. It is just self-serving.

My parents taught me that I am polite to people, not because they are polite, but because I am polite.

Go ahead and teach them that good manners don't matter.
Wait and see how long it is before they are calling you
names, like my Step-kids do when they get into it with their mother. I have heard my step-son call her a F*(&G
C&*T. How about that one? I have heard my step-daughter call her a F*&(*&G B^&%&H whey they are talking on the phone.

Of course they called me those names long before they came back at their mother, who encouraged that kind of talk to begin with. You can't imagine how ugly those words sound coming out of the mouths of my sweet little step-children.

I didnt teach her to say that -- shes 15 and came up with on her own.

Her teachers and employers all say she is joy to have.

So are you saying that when someone sleeps with a married man, they dont have to assume any responsibility for hte consequences??

Who said that? Did I say that?

I will say that you are using your daughter to get revenge on your ex and his girlfriend.

I have to chuckle when I hear my step-kids cuss out their mother, because she encouraged them to treat me that way, and now she's getting a taste of her own medicine.

They stay into it all the time, but of course it's not my job to correct them. I am just the step-mother.

As I said before, she is polite to teachers, etc.

She doesnt cuss out her dads GF, she just refers to her as a homewrecker. But I take it you consider that impolite.

And I didnt encourage her to do that, she did it on her own. I never mention the GF, nor talk to the GF.

I see what you mean now, theotherside. Glad we talked more and cleared that up. I think it is true that he envisioned much more of a new family dynamic at the beginning, but when after a while his kids rebelled at that (classic simple example, the little one says to me "no, daddy!" a few dozen times a day now, which means, I only want to hear what Daddy says about this, not you ... and in less directly verbal ways, the older ones act out "no, daddy!" just as much), then he can't help but feel defensive and protective toward them, and tell me to butt out.

Well, I'm learning. Slowly, but, better than not learning at all, huh?

KK, Why are you attacking ME?
I'm not Emily Post.
Hey, my husband split for another woman, too.
The difference between me and you, is that I got on with
my life and didn't become bitter, like you. I have moved on and re-married. I have taught my children that
it's important to be polite to people, and that even though we don't approve of Daddy's actions, he is still your father.

The difference is that you and my husband's ex-wife have continued to hold on to bitterness. I will repeat...I had nothing to do with the break-up of my husband's marriage to his first wife. That was a full decade before we even met.
I think that you would have acted this way towards the second wife or girl-friend, even if they had nothing to do with your husband's break-up. Bio-mom has made it acceptable to treat me like trash, just because she resents the break-up of her first marriage. All I did was pickup the pieces 10 years later.

KK, why don't you move on, and get a life?

I have a life. I work full time, am active in politics and civic affairs and have a child.

Xs GF has life too -- beuaty parlor and shopping.

As to how I would react to Xs GF if she hadnt been the OW, I dont know.

All I am saying is that some SMs dont deserve respect.

Some teachers don't deserve respect.

What's your point?

But you do not say SOME SMs you attack all SMs.

And yes you encourage your daughter to call her a homewrecker by not correcting her ... if another family member say an aunt or uncle cheated with a married person ... would you allow your child to call that person "a homewrecker" or would you say something to your child ?? Or would your bitterness let you say shes 15 and speaks her mind? You wouldn't be embarassed by her lack of manners if she did that?

That's true, Cawfe.

KK, at what point does a poor victimized wife who's husband cheated and broke up their marriage...and who tries to pick up the pieces and finds a new life and a new marriage...
become the enemy? Is it when the new husband has children of his own?

Not certain I understand your question entirely. It is physically impossible (and highly unlikely) for X to have more children. Will he cheat on current GF and find a new one? Who knows?

I'm saying that you seem so angry at step-mothers in general. I am not the only one who has noticed it.

I hate to tell you this, but if you remarried, there is a good chance that all of a sudden you will be in our shoes.
What happens when some biomom chooses you to be the target?

I would not have an affair with a married man, even if he said he was seperated, or tht his marriage was dead.

I would not look for a "sugar daddy". I would not look for financial gain.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I have done none of those things, but I have
the heinous she-beeoch from hell of a biomom, who is
stalking every move I make and encouraging my
step-kids to treat me like crap. She calls me "The Step-mother".

What happens if you some-day re-marry? Maybe you will remarry my ex-husband, and I can make your life miserable.

Hey, it could happen!

I am sorry, what is so wrong about calling you the stepmother?

And my complaint is that some poeple think that there should be consequences to actions for SKids, but not for the OW. I disagree.

Because "The Stepmother" has a name.

I guess I dont see referring to you as SM as reaching the level of encouraging her children to treat you like c**p. I assume there are other things.

I am recently divorced and older. It will be a long time before I have a serious relationship. I doubt I will give up my house or ask someone to move in with me.

Oh, yeah, there are plenty of other things.

You never know what the future holds. I considered myself
older when I divorced, too.

But you clearly haven't moved on, and you won't move on
until you can let go of some of this anger.

My husband's ex is going on 20 years since their divorce,
and she is every bit as mean and angry and bitter as she was 20 years ago. In case you are wondering, she was the one who filed for divorce.

Technically, I filed too; becuase I was afraid he would not agree to a reasonable financial settlment if I didnt. Who filed means nothing. He was the one who had a GF and said he wanted a divorce.

I dont think of myself as angry. I go to work, take care of my dughter, have friends etc. I will guess that the GF resents me for seeing that every $$ due my daughter goes to her.

But she's only the GF, right?
She's not the wife, and not the fiancee.
Most men don't marry the GF that broke up their marriage.
Usually they end up breaking up like my ex and his GF did.
She wasn't wife material, she was just a play-thing.
She seemed so exciting, until he starting spending all of his time with her, and she wasn't so glamorous anymore.

Chances are that your ex-husband will not marry GF, either.

I know you asked kkny, not me, this question, but I'll answer too:

"if another family member say an aunt or uncle cheated with a married person ... would you allow your child to call that person "a homewrecker" or would you say something to your child ??"

I would have absolutely no problem with my child calling that person a homewrecker, an adulterer, the OW, etc. It makes no difference whether the person is related to you - adultery is no less wrong. I would find it hurtful for my child to call the OW a "stepmother," because no one who destroys a family deserves a title with the word mother in it.

Well, I would have a problem with it. She didn't have an affair on her own. She didn't decide all on her own that she was going to make a man be unfaithful. Dear old dad was EQUALLY OR MORE responsible and I would NEVER let my kids treat him with that kind of disrespect.

This sounds to me like a perfect time to start teaching the lesson of "taking the high road" and not allowing other people's stupidity and/or poor decision making drag you down.

Those labels are an awful lot of baggage and anger to give a kid, and while they may be true, that child must learn to get along with that person regardless of the circumstances that brought the "homewrecker" into their lives.

I am always very hesitant to give my kids the gift of anger.

Vivian, I totally agree.

TOS, of course we knew you would do that.
It's very characteristic of you.

Of course it is characteristic of me. Consistency is a good thing.

It makes no difference if she committed it alone or not. It is still just as wrong.

You can't make someone respect another person. Respect is EARNED. It is not an entitlement.

Not to mention the fact that I am sure kkny didn't have to "give" her 15 year old daughter the word homewrecker. I am sure any 15 year old already knows that word, along with many unprintable ones that she could apply to the OW/homewrecker.

I think the world could do with a bit more universal anger toward adulterers. Societal acceptance of adultery is a big part of the problem.

Adult scenario.... You find out your boss was seeing a married man subsequently the marriage dissolved. Do you walk around calling your boss a "homewrecker" ? Or do you keep your opinion to yourself?

Let me guess you would call her a homewrecker and quit your job or wait to be fired?

Two of your neighbors who have been your neighbors for 20 years are carrying on ... Do you stand in the street & tell everyone what the "homewreckers" are up to?
or do you mind your business???

My daughter doesnt have to live in those people's hosues, so I am less concerned re other people. Other people get drunk, use drugs, etc. Actually, she wont stay overnight in her dads house now if his GF is there. So ususally they have dinner out every now and then. Yes duaghter knew about OW, knew "homewrecker" yadayada. Never told her. Didnt have to.

As to whether his GF is his GF or fiance, I really dont know. We only communicate about itemss regarding daughter. Dont really care, other than it means I'll have to work a little harder to keep eye out for daughters money. No big deal.

Perhaps, TOS, yes, we need to be less accommodating to adulters, etc. But I fail to see how dispensing such cynicism to a child is valuable.

Labeling in and of itself is ALWAYS destructive.

I never labeled the OW to my daughter -- we never discuss her.

I just find it strange how some SMs on this board have the highest standards for SC as to behaviour and respect and no sense of accountability for any SM (or GF).

I find it strange how SOME BioMoms can defend a woman who will not parent her own children and critize a SM(gf) for not parenting her SC(BFKs).

Its not standards just for SC. Standards for all people you have ability to teach a child right from wrong. Just because you choose to ignore rude behavior against someone you don't like doesn't mean it should be allowed.

Points made about respect being earned are perfectly valid, but there is a difference between giving respect to someone and treating them with respect. My kids always treated their dad's GF with respect and for a few years had a decent relationship. Then she started resenting them, especially my son, the only boy. All the kids then resented her, and their father started stabbing them in the back, too. They didn't call any of the four kids when their grandpa died and he lived in this area. I found out from the obit. My son was furious at not being told and totally cut himself off from that side of the family. Now the kids are ages 21-32 and have nothing to do with dad or his GF or dad's family, not for the last 2-3 years. He turned their grandparents and uncles against them to make himself look better. If GF and dad would have kept up the mutual treatment with respect, they probably would have a relationship. They didn't have to like or respect each other, just keep things simple. GF and dad didn't do that.

I think there is a difference between treating someone with respect v. civility. The other difference, and I think this pops up with a lot of different step relationships, is that many people that one does not respect, one just avoids (or minimizes contact with). That is what my daughter has done. I think that many SMs either dont know the SCs sufficiently well before the marriage, or decide to go ahead anyway, or the relationship changes, and then become resentful because they can not just avoid SC.

I think there is a difference between treating someone with respect v. civility. The other difference, and I think this pops up with a lot of different step relationships, is that many people that one does not respect, one just avoids (or minimizes contact with). That is what my daughter has done. I think that many SMs either dont know the SCs sufficiently well before the marriage, or decide to go ahead anyway, or the relationship changes, and then become resentful because they can not just avoid SC.

I think the biggest difference between your ex's GF and the stepmoms on this board is not just that she is a homewrecker, but that she probably doesn't give a darn about your daughter or your daughter's relationship with her father. The majority of stepmoms here DO care about our SKs, very much, and are trying out best to make sure our SKs are happy and well adjusted. It sounds like the GF in your situation is just pleased that your daughter rarely sees her father. That is too bad. Hopefully he will soon wake up, dump the homewrecker, and set things right with your daughter. But if he doesn't, and he ends up with the GF for the long haul, your daughter will have to accept the GF as her father's partner, and put up with all the crap that includes, if she wants to have a more meaningful relationship with her dad. But who knows? Maybe your daughter is so turned against both the GF and dad, a meaningful relationship would just be impossible.

Who knows? That is for sure. I am not certain she is turned agasint her dad, just sees no need to see GF.

"Let me guess you would call her a homewrecker and quit your job or wait to be fired?

Two of your neighbors who have been your neighbors for 20 years are carrying on ... Do you stand in the street & tell everyone what the "homewreckers" are up to?
or do you mind your business??? "

Infidelity is everyone's business, because it weakens the family structure upon which communities are built. Yes, I probably would expose the affair and then quit. Yes, I probably would stand in the street ('cause that's where we hang out in my neighborhood to chat) and expose the affair. My neighbors have told me stories of previous neighbors who ran off with each other, and the child of one of the people involved is now at least in his late thirties.

Why is it that no matter which thread, it always ends with
TOS blasting us about infidelity. Listen, I didn't screw around with anyone's husband, and I have chosen to forgive the b*(tch that f&*(&d my ex-husband. You have chosen to
seeth and brew about it.

The bible says that it's important to stay angry and gossip and judge sinners...oh, yeah, I guess it doesn't say that.

Listen, why don't you make your own "I hate the Bitc*(^h" thread and go somewhere else. This is for step-mothers. You are a bio-mom. Leave us alone. We don't want to have this conversation again.

I don't believe I was the one who brought up the subject. If you do not wish to "have this conversation again" perhaps you should refrain from arguing with either kkny or myself on the subject of infidelity.

Subject wasn't infidelity .... it started out with a disrepectful child.
And a BP didn't feel the need to put in check.

Actually that wasn't the subject of the original post either. The original post dealt with disciplining stepchildren and the poster's husband's reaction. I don't think anyone asserted that cubbiebear's six year old stepson was disrespectful - I am not sure that a six year old child with Down's is even capable of understanding the concept of disrespect - a concept difficult for a typical child of that age.

The subject of infidelity was brought up in the discussion between kkny and southernsummer. I don't really understand why she is so angry, although it is obvious why she is rather sensitive about the subject of respect. She might feel a bit differently had her husband married the "homewrecker."

Just to clarify - after re-reading my post, it occurred to me that it might not be obvious that I was referring to southernsummer, not kkny, when I said "why she is so angry."

answer.... every post ends up being about the OW....

If a bitter ex-wfe festers over her anger and propels that anger toward the ex and his partner be it OW GF STBSM or SM. And BM drops dead from the stress .... her child(ren) could possibly end up with the target of her aggression. Was it worth it "in the best interest of the child(ren)?"

SMS and BMs don't have to be best friends, but amicable would be nice.

If you wouldn't say "it" to my face don't tell your children to say "it" to me.

KKNY, I'm not angry. Just frustrated.

I dealt with those feelings years ago.
Anger only hurts you and your children.

I understand your situation so well. My boyfriend is ultra touchy about his 5 year old too so I know what it feels like to be in a no win situation. And I've often felt like an intrusion myself. My boyfriend can shout very ugly insults to me as well when it comes to his child. I also understand your disappointment about possibly not having children with your husband. I never considered myself maternal, but I fell so madly for my boyfriend that I actually thought one day it would be great to have a child of our own, but that possbility is very small. He's crazy about his son, but his arrival was not planned and I don't think my boyfriend wants to do it again. There are so many negatives to staying in a situation like that for me that I'm considering cutting my loses as hard as it will be. For you, since you are married and in way deeper than I am (at least legally), I would try counselling. Dealing with three children that are not your own, I can only imagine how overwhelming that is. If your husband won't go with you, then go for yourself. But try to do it with your husband because sometimes people are so clouded by what means so much to them (your husband's children) that they can't see what they're doing until a 3rd party points it out. I know it easier said than done because my boyfriend flat out told me he won't do counselling. It really broke my heart. He's extremely cold at times and it's sad. But even if your husband won't go, you still probably need to go for your own sanity.