Think twice. You are considering becoming a mother at your young age without the percs. Would you get pregnant now and have a baby? If not ,,, why would you commit to this ... which in my opion is much harder than having your own? Our 17 year old daughter was deeply "in love" with a boy from school. She recently found out that he smokes marijuana. She tried to convince him to become normal and quit his bad inclinations. He chose the dope. She had a couple of very difficult weeks where he kept calling her - wanting her back. She knew it would never be what she wanted from him and she cried a river ... but never looked back. It was not what she wanted from a boyfriend or from life. She is very young.I stood back and watched the process hoping that she would make the right decision ... knowing that she has to decide things for herself at this age. You are older and I think you have it in you to be even stronger and more wise. Is THIS what you want for the rest of your life? It has NOTHING to do with the Mother of the Child. Who knows where her head was at the time or how many times they had a relationship. Don't fool yourself. He may have also told her he loved her. She is not the vile one and in fact no one in this triangle may be the villain ... just young people that trusted wrongly and made mistakes. It may very well be something that you can step into easily. If you can handle it ... God love and bless you. Just don't fool yourself ... and don't cheat yourself of your youth. Once you take on this child ... all the free years are gone. You watched yourself closely so far so that you could finish your education and proceed with your career ... will you give it up now? Don't fool yourself that it will not change your life. What if your BF becomes the full custodial parent becaue of sickness, negligence, death, remarriage? Consider all angles. Decide accordingly. That bio Mom will be a part of your life for the rest of your life as long as you have a relationship with Bio Dad. Weigh it all and take your time. I know its hard. (((Hugs)))

I think that if we were to get married I would be able to deal with having his son in my life, because I love my BF, and we've even talked about having kids in the future. I dont feel I am becoming a mother if I choose to stay with my BF now, and I will only become a mother figure if my BF decides or if he has to get custody of his son. How do I explain to my BF now, that I don't have to be around him and his son all the time?

don't wait until you're married to "deal with it"

This child doesn't need people in and out of his life because that can't or don't want to "deal with it"

if you don't deal with your resentment at this stage, it will only get worse.

There is no resentment on my part, I only feel that right now I dont have to spend all of my time with my BF and his son.

I agree with you -- you need more time to be a "couple" before you become parents. Besides, is he really going to have his son every weekend? Most arrangements are for every other weekend and one weekday evening.

Ok I am the same age as you are. I graduated in 1998. I am expecting my first and only child in May. This was an accident. I didnt want any ever. In your post in kind of sounds like you are wanting your boyfriend to choose to spend time with either you or his son. You are not ready for a guy with a kid. Your comment about dealing with it made that very clear. You don't just deal with a kid. I don't think you really are looking at the whole picture only right now. What if something happened and he had his son all the time? How would you deal with it then? Give the kid to the grandparents so you could have couple time. It doesnt work like that. If this guy wants to be a part of the kids life and not trying to get at the ex, which a lot of guys at that age try to do, then good for him. I also kind of have a feeling he is not exactly being honest with you. I have heard that same story about 50 times from various people I know. Oh she got pregnant the first time we had sex and now she is trying to get back at me. You are probably thinking oh but i knew this guy so long. It happens every single day. Again i say I have heard it and it rarely turns out to be true.

I totally agree with brandy. If you're dating a guy with a kid, you're dating the kid too. So to speak. And she's right on about trusting the guy too.

Also ... love is wonderful, but it is not always enough except in fairy tales. Love can and does die under stress and repeated bombardment by forces outside of the relationship. When people think that love alone will get you through, it scares me because I can see the writing of doom for the relationship on the wall. All of us here love the people that we married and we love our parents and our children and sometimes even the stepchildren - but as you can read from these posts ... if marriage is difficult (which trust me - it is)then marriage to a man that has a son and an (always present in his life) ex will be at least 4 times as difficult ... especially for a young person that doesn't have the experience to deal with parenting and relationships involving a third party. The love songs are BS otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high - especially among those that bring in "baggage". If BF is going to court for visitation, you can expect that every weekend will be devoted to the child or at least include the child. Yes, you will be the step mother if you marry this man and many times you will be watching him while DH is working or otherwise occupied ... for the rest of your relationship. Do you like going out on weekends? How does Chuck E Cheese sound? Be home by 7PM so that you have time for a bath before bed time.Its a grave responsibility you are considering. Just give it due consideration.

I am married with two children. My wife and I get about 9 minutes alone each day. If you are entering a relationship with a "man" with a child, you take them both on. You don't get to pick and choose who you get to be with, when and where.
Welcome to the real world. Ain't adult life fun!

You are in a tough situation, but it won't get any easier once you are "married", and that is even if you have his son everyother weekend. Kids demand a lot of time and energy from their parents as well as anyone that is around them. It is not fair to expect things to be the way they are now once he starts seeing his son on a regular basis, and he needs to spend time with his son, with or without you. Things will probably be at a minimum from what you have now. Kids are a big responsibility that you can't just put on a shelf when you want "adult" time. You are not just commiting to your BF but to his "family". I know what you are dealing with, I married a man with 3 kids, and it doesn't matter if you have known him for 15 years or 1 year, you have to look at the whole package, and that includes his child. You really need to look at the big picture and are you really ready for a ready made family. I would also question his "one" time indescrtion.

You are young. This will be your first marriage. If you marry a man with kids, here are a few things you will give up:

1) Being alone whenever you are together
2) Lazy Sunday mornings sleeping late, then lingering over coffee and a newspaper
3) Spontaneous weekends away
4) The freedom to be flexible, to schedule your own time; you'll be planning your life AROUND visitation
5) Cooking whatever the two of you like whenever you feel like it (you'll be doing hot dogs and macaroni & cheese)
6) Frequent dates with your hubby (finding a babysitter is not easy)
7) Disposable income - after all, he is supporting a child

These are just a few things to think about. I can understand your wish to spend time with him alone, but the reality of the situation is that he is not alone. He is a package deal. And that will not change. By the way, these are things you will give up if he only has visitation -- if he gets full custody, well, there will be a whole new batch of things to add to the list.

Are you ready for that? Don't set yourself up for failure with unrealistic expectations.