First, I think you need to think twice about this... then think some more. I can tell from your post, you are not ready for marriage, let alone being a step parent.

You have known this guy since you were 14? and been together since you were 18? How old is he? What was your relationship before that? You must have known his exGF that had this child... why does she hate you? There is too much drama for this poor little three year old boy.

Kids get excited about new things. That means nothing. He is in a lot of turmoil if he has a mom that has a drug problem and a dad that gives the responsibility of taking care of him to his GF. Sorry, I think it a bad situation all around. There's more to raising a kid than fun movie time and all kinds of things. It's about responsibility and if the dad is thinking he will forget about his real mom and think of you as his mom since you do more for him, he's going to be in for a shocker. Kids don't forget their 'real' parent if the they are in their life at all. It doesn't mean he won't love you and all you do for him but his mom is his mom and she always will be, no matter what a piece of trash she may be.

The temper tantrums and acting out (arguing and hitting) are because he is in the middle of this mess and reacting to all the drama on both sides. You are 20 years old and you think you are ready to deal with this other woman for the next 15-18 years? She may clean up her life in a few years and she'll be there to see her child and you'll have to deal with it. She may even end up with custody eventually. A lot of things can happen in 15 years time.

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to go back to school if you aren't in school or work on building YOUR life. It takes a lot to be a mother to someone else's child and it's not easy, it only gets harder. The realistic picture is that you are in the middle of someone else's mess and you think you can clean it up. Personally, I would run.... FAST.

Ima, I have to agree with you. A young woman should be focused on her education and her career. Then you will be prepared to deal with what life throws at you. Being a mother isnt easy. I am glad I obtained my professional certification before having a child. What does your mother say?

i understand where ya'll are coming from. and at the time that they were together i wasnt around but we were friends before and lost contact during the time they were together until we got together etc. right now i have a great job paying 14.80 and hour and so does he but makes more. and i do plan on trying to go back to school to follow up my studies in the medical field.and i know its not just play time. im the one who feeds him bathes him comforts him teaches him disciplines him and takes care of him when he is sick. i already do everything that a mother should do. and i know alot when it comes to parenting already(not saying im and expert can always learn more) the thing with his mother is that she doesnt want him with anyone else. she has never even had a conversation with me and doesnt know me it all. the first time she saw me she started swinging. and omg if she got her crap together and figured out how to take care of her children i would be happy that he could actually be around his mom and feel safe etc. when you have your boyfriends little boy come home and find out his mother was allowing another kid beat him up and would laugh at him yet punish him if he tried to protect himself that is just infuriating. and i am ready for marriage i am ready for us to have our family together. i already take everything on without us being married. and i know his life is so unstable and i am going to do everything in my power to make his life stable. im fighting for us to get a house so that he gets out of that apartment so that his son has his own room because right now my boyfriend is allowing his sister to live their and she shares a room with his son which to me is wrong because she has all his schedules upside down because of it. and enough is enough. im ready for him to have a schedule and be in bed early and be up at a decent hour instead of her trying to make him stay in bed until 12 or 1 in the afternoon. i am going to do everything i can though to be a good stepmother and teach him values and keep him safe. and my mother likes my boyfriend and understands the situation she tells me how hard it is being a stepmother because she is one herself but she also knows that i truely do love them. and yes she wishes me to go to college and i will when im ready. right now i have a good enough job that gives $1.00 raises that i dont need college at the moment. i just need to try to figure out how we can get his attitude to stop changeing just because he goes with her one day or so then comes back. and id also like to figure out how to help him adjust to the back and forth because i know that is never easy my parents are divorced and remarried.

My son is 21 years old. He went back and forth between his father and me for years (from when he was 4 until he was 12) and there was ALWAYS a period of adjustment. You can't change him from having an attitude when he visits his mom. There are things you can do to ease it sometimes, but every kid is different.

I know you believe you have the world by the horns and can handle it. With as much hostility as there seems to be between you and his mother, you are in for years of problems. You may feel that you can handle that but I'm telling you that it's not fair to that little boy to have that kind of conflict in his life. Instead of worrying how you can change his behavior, I think you need to think of how to get along with his mom or at least get your boyfriend to handle it better because the conflict is not good for this kid.

You aren't married to his dad and the dad has you doing everything for him? I am not normally of the opinion that guys only marry someone to take care of their kid, but in this case, it sounds possible. You claim to do everything (feeds, bathes, comforts, teaches, discipline and takes care of him when he's sick)... what does his dad do? You say you are doing all you can in your power to make his life stable, that is his dad's job. and you want to teach him values, why isn't your boyfriend marrying you first? I just think you are getting a raw deal and being a lot naive.

I've been there and it was a long rough road for me to learn what I know now. I'm sorry it's not what you'd like to hear, but I really hope you think about it from all angles.

I rarely agree with Ima, but I think she is completely correct in this instance. It is a rare 20 year old who is ready for marriage, much less ready to be a stepparent. Even though I think my oldest girls were very mature for their age, and they had oodles of experience helping to take care of their much younger siblings, I don't think either one of them would have been ready for marriage and stepparenting at 20.

I would be very, very concerned that the father is having you do everything for the child. I may have missed it, but how old is he?

agree with everybody. what is the urgent need to have a stepfamily, actually any family at age 20? i got married at age 20 and even though i think i was pretty mature, my X was not, and overall i could easily wait until at least 25, i don't know what was all the rush for. my DD is 20 and although she is responsible and independent i simply cannot imagine her raising children/stepchildren at this age.

I don't think it's OP's age that's the problem;
although it wouldn't be in *her* best interests to tie herself down so early, I think most girls/women like to be nurturers & she sounds like she likes that role.

but her boyfriend is another story;
after his son returns from his mother's house, there is now arguing & *hitting*, & it's OP's problem & not dad's???

How was his son being cared for before OP came along?

babysnow, this doesn't get better, it gets worse, & the longer you stay in it, the less you will be able to determine or to change the course of your own life.

This father is central to the problem, he's the only one who can change it, & what he wants is just someone to handle it for him on his terms.

Even if you were to stay, you could not help this little boy;
only his parents can do that, & they're playing politics & power games with him...& with you.

Listen to these ladies & get yourself out of this family's co-dependent little scenario.

I wish you the best.

Hi babysnow,

I agree with Sylvia. Additionally, have you tried any peacemaking with Mom? I don't mean to pry, but from the way you talk about BF's son and your role in his life, does he happen to call you Mom? I don't mean any offense, but you have to be very careful in blended situations and I can easily see your pride of taking care of him being misconstrued as something by BM.

Unless we're missing something big, I agree with all of the other posts. Think hard and have a lot of big discussions with your boyfriend about who is responsible for what and what your role would be in this relationship. I personally believe he should be the primary caretaker for his son and he should be the one primarily addressing the negative behavior. Of course it is ok for you to take some of the responsibility to deal with the caretaking and the behavior, but you should not be the front runner.

I'm 38 and was recently married. I have a 10 year old step son. All was fine and we got along great until the day we were married. Once it became 'real', I started having problems with my step son. He doesn't want me correcting him, disciplining, telling him what to do. I am lucky that my husband takes the front seat and deals with most of the problem behavior. The adjustment from house to house is ongoing. BM talks about me even though she doesn't know me. I would advise that your boyfriend deal with the communication with the BM, it is best for your sanity.

If you choose to go forward in this relationship, you need to be very clear on your role. It does not get easier and it sounds like you have a crazy BM at the moment, it is anyone's guess if she will have the moment when the light bulb goes on over her head.

And if your boyfriend thinks his son will forget about his mom, he's dreaming. He might believe what he is saying, but you can't choose your parent. This boy's mom is his mom, you will not take this role. If you try, it will only make things harder than they already are.

Just a thought, if this child is coming back with this much of an attitude, maybe your boyfriend needs to go back to the original court order.

Right now you are 20 years old, have some education but need and want more, have a decent job you like, but again, need and want more, and have a guy you really care for but who brings with him a whole load of baggage.

You could tie yourself down forever (best case) to another very young adult who is still growing and changing, assume almost full responsibility for a child that, while sweet, isn't yours and over whom you'd have no legal authority though all of the work, sacrifice your career development and education to provide free child-care services, interact with psycho BioMom for the next 15 years... Did I leave anything out?

Or you could finish your education, improve your long-term career prospects, grow up more yourself and discover what it is in life that you truly want, date several interesting baggage-free men until you find one you know will make you happy for the long term, then settle down, buy a much nicer house, and have your first baby together when you're truly ready.

Which future do you prefer?

Hi Babysnow,
I'm a little closer to your age than some of the other posters (I'm 26). His son is 9 (BF is 30). We only have A__ with us on weekends, but it's tough to be in your midtwenties and caring for someone else's kid.
I respect that you love your BF, and his son, and they're an important part of your life. You seem like a very giving person... So I'm concerned that you're being taken advantage of. You mentioned that you do most of the parenting - if that's because BF is at work, or something else valid, then that's one thing... but if he's just sitting around playing video games or scratching his butt, then that's another.
I'd strongly suggest keeping some pretty strong boundaries for now, back off a bit from parenting BF's son, spend a little more time with friends or at work or whatever. Try to spend a little more time with BF when his son is sleeping or at his BM's. Get a sitter once in a while. My opinion is that you really need to make sure that BF is with you because he enjoys your company and respects you for who you are, not just because you're good with his son. Now, I'd be just as concerned if he wanted to be with and you were crap with his son, so I'm not saying you should vanish, or be mean to his son, just that you should back off a little to get a clearer view.

If after you take a step back, you think that you and BF are both in it for the right reasons, then that's fabulous and I'm happy for you and you should stick around the board for the support that stepparenting requires!

Hi babysnow,

I have read your post and some of the responses. Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs out there. My sd's bm rarely sees her and has a serious drug/alcohol problem and has been in some pretty bad relationships since she left my ex. My sd still puts her mom on a pedestal and when she does call my sd thinks her mom is soooo wonderful. I find it hard to deal with at times because here I am making all the sacrafices right along with dh to raise sd and I am the one doing all the mom stuff for her. Then her mom calls and sd thinks she is mom of the year! Do not fool yourself into thinking that your stepchild will "forget" their mother. They won't. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If the mom is not around much the child will just want to please her more.

At your age you need to get your life in order. If this guy is really the one for you he should help support you in bettering your life with a college education. You may have a good job now, but you need to think about the future. What if your company goes under, then where will you be able to go and make the money you are now? What if you had to move too far from your company? Life has a funny way of changing things. You need to be prepared.

I have to say I find it sad that your doing all the caretaking with the child. I commend you for it, but would worry that this is a sign of a man who is going to pass the buck on a lot of things.

Think long and hard about taking on a child and a marriage at your age. It is a lot to endure.

I know alot of people here are giving you advise to think hard. And i would too because of your age. BUt i know some people are ready for marriage at different ages because some people mature faster than others. I was one of those rare ones that was very mature at an early age. Not by choice but by circumstance.
I know people are telling you to focus on your own life and to walk away because of your age. You are young and they are all talkign from experience. Alot of experience. People on this forum have come from many different backrounds with many different situations and I would advise you to listen .
ANother advise to give you is, since you have made up your mind that you are ready for marriage and a family, I think this young boy should either 1. have no visitation to mother if drugs are involved on her part. 2. He should have supervised visitation with his mother.
His behaviour obviously shows that she is disfunctional due to her dilemma and the comment of her being physically violent with you just proves it. And this is not healthy one bit for that child. I think you should speak with your bf to focus on his child first before going ahead with you. I think you should hold marriage off, still be together and make sure this child becomes more stable before getting married. Blended marriages put alot of stress on children and when you have parent who is a drug addict and just open pandoras box.
Please read the forum posts to see these type of biomoms are destructive. I know you love this man. THink hard . If you want ot be with him, your made your decision on that part. BUt his son must be kept safe. And if he behaviour is violent or disruptive after his mom visits, he needs to see someone to talk to professional and i would serious have a talk with your BF to stop visitations if this continues. Before your marry him.
As well. Your BF must be a fool if he thinks he will forget his mother. My mother passed away when i was very young and i've had two stepmoms and many of my father girlfriends in between. I never forgot who my mother was and i never had loyalty to my stepmoms. I have alot of respect and adoration for the one i have now. BUt i will always have loyalty to my mother even though she has passed away for 24 years now. I still hang her picture up in my house. Its in my sons room now.

Well, first of all, he is NOT your little boy. He has a mother, and you're not it. I'm stepmom to two teenage boys, but I never refer to them as "my" boys. They're not. I help them out and take care of them, but they are not my children. They have a mother and a good one at that. It would never cross my mind to try to replace her.

I agree with those who say you need to find a way to get along with this poor little boy's mother. HE is the one who bears the brunt of your hard feelings toward his mother and vice versa. For his sake, find a way to get along and remember she is his mother, not you.

I also agree with others who advising you to get your life together before taking on the life of someone else, particularly a little boy.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

Not only is this true with kids, but when a parent is totally gone, the child can also fantasize about how wonderful the absent parent is. They can create the perfect parent in their mind if they want.

I was 22 when I got together with my BF that had three kids. They were 1, 4 & 6. Their mom was on drugs and left and never came to see them but maybe once a year. I spent my 20's raising his kids without benefit of marriage and when it didn't work out, I was 29 and he wouldn't even let me talk to his kids anymore (unless I would come back to him). I had no legal rights. In a way, I spent my youthful years taking care of his kids while he worked on his career. (he went from a street deputy to detective Sergeant while I was with him, because my being there allowed him to work any shift and not worry about his kids) A house was purchased (in his name only) but I paid on it and helped with improvements but ended up walking away with nothing. (I sometimes think I was lucky to leave with my sanity intact)

I get the impression that you think that you and he will have a wonderful little family, especially if the boy is calling you mom. I didn't think of that before gigglemonster said it, but if he is, I can certainly understand why BM would be jumping on you. I'm not saying she's right to, but I could understand that here's her little boy calling you mom and you are trying to make the family she was supposed to have with this 'prize' of a guy and not only that, but he's thinking the kid might forget about her. I'd be fighting mad too. My guess is that the mom is also fairly young, early 20's??? There's a lot of emotions and immaturity too that could be contributing to all the conflict.

and I guarantee that she'd tell her little boy to stop calling you mom if he is. He is too young to understand why it's upsetting to anyone, he'd call you both mom if he loves you both... they don't know the difference or think about how the 'real' mom will feel. They are so innocent but that's being ruined by immature people that put him in the middle of all this conflict. I'm really sad for the little boy in this.

I'd like to clarify one thing:

No one here is saying you can't do this --
that you're not up to the challenge or too young to make a go of it.

We're only saying (out of experience) that there will be many large sacrifices for you, and that the rewards will probably be far less than you imagine.

Being a StepMom is hard work under the best of circumstances.
And these circumstances aren't the best.

Thank you sweeby, I think that last post was needed and I agree completely.

Exactly, Sweeby.

ok i see that i too need to clarify somethings. ok yes im 20 he is 23 and she is like 27 or 28 and she has 4 kids and one on the way. and he doesnt call me mom and i dont expect him to he calls me by my first name.im not trying to take her place and as i said before if she got her crap straight and could actually be a good mom to him i would be happy for him because he needs that. we arent talking about getting married today or tommorow i want to wait atleast a year year and a half. maybe longer. and we do get to spend time together because his sister watches him for us when need be. me and him work at the same place and have the same hours so he doesnt need me to watch him while he works. and he also disciplines as well. and helps me when he does start the tantrums if i need his help. i would be cival with his mother but like i said she isnt willing to do so. so its not me. its her. even if we didnt have him or even ever see him she would still be this way with me.but i dont say things about her infront of him or anything like that because its not right. and when he goes to leave to see her i tell him to be good for his mom etc. and their is nothing wrong with me calling him my little boy. because in my heart he is my little boy even if i know he isnt mine biologically. and their is absolutly nothing wrong with that. my stepdad calls me his daughter and i would rather him do that then basically single me out as if im not wanted. and i know that he wont ever forget his mother and i dont expect him to.i also dont expect this to be a walk in the park.

I don't know the situation between you & your biological dad, but I can guarantee that no mother appreciates her child's father's significant other calling *her child* "my little boy/girl".

The woman is not dead, she's not in Siberia, & she's his mother.

Whatever the reason for this child living with his father, he *does* have a mother, & she & the child's father are in agreement that she spend more time with her son.

Calling this child "my little boy" is wrong.

Overstep your boundaries here & *you'll* be the problem.

"helps me when he does start the tantrums if i need his help"

Babysnow, this IS overstepping. You are not his parent, your BF is. You should be helping him....not the other way around.

Babysnow,
You have received a lot of good advice in regards to being a step-parent in the posts above; therefore, I will address the marriage issue.

A wise woman once gave me some good advice: If you are under the age of 21, you are breaking the law by pouring a glass of champagne to toast at your own wedding reception. There is a lot of research behind that law and the reason that 21 is the legal drinking age. So, if the United States government has determined that persons under the age of 21 are not responsible enough to drink alcohol (even at their own wedding), why would you feel that you are able to make one of the biggest decisions of your life (marriage) before reaching that age?

This advice changed my life - I hope I have returned the favor!

I really admire you for being so selfless.too many people walk away(like these people are advising you to do)when the going gets tough.As you love this lad as your own,its impossible to leave.He is lucky to have you.
He will never forget his real mum,as you know,but if you are there for him ,he will remember that too.
the temper tantrums are completely normal.hes a confused boy.just try be patient.In my country the legal age for drinking is 18,so that comment is useless.good luck.

But I don't agree with you Tracy...I agree with the people who have advised her to walk away because you could end up in a BIG mess. But if it was me I would do what I thought was right because I could be wrong, but then again so could Tracy. So if I was you I would do what I thought was right anyway