How do I accept my boyfriend's children?

17 years ago

I'm currently in a relationship. My relationship has been off and on. When I started dealing with my boyfriend, he didn't know that a former female he dealt with was pregnant. Just recently, he said the baby might be his. She never told him that she was pregnant until the baby was born. He acts really nice to her and everything. Why? She's horrible and probably doesn't know who the father really is if it took her this long to tell him. No paternity , yet. I just found out that he talks to the little boy sometimes. But, why? Why become close if you do not know if it's yours or not? There's has been no paternity test. I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore because of this... even though this was before us. If so, he will now have 2 kids (2 and 3), with two different moms. I hate it so much. I need advice. A lot of people say that I am jealous because these other women had children with him and I didn't. He wants to marry me. I was just recently thinking about having a child with him in a year or so. But, my mind changed quickly because of this situation. I already have a child from a previous relationship (my daughter is 9yrs. old). Should I just dump him? (I truly love him) or should I be with him? But, I don't want to be bothered with the little boy if it is his. I absolutely loved his daughter but want no ties to the other kid AT ALL. Because of the fact, that I know it was a mistake with this other woman. Thanks! NEED HELP

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Comments (10)

imamommy
17 years ago
dump him.

If you can't accept his kids (all of them), walk away!

A kid deserves to have both parents in his/her life & you will either resent this child or make your BF choose. If he chooses you, the child loses a dad. Your daughter doesn't need to be subjected to this drama as well. Your relationship has been off and on, so that tells me that your daughter and his daughter are being subjected to all this baby mama drama. It sounds to me like he has enough kids, so why would you want to have another with him? Can he support another baby after he's ordered to pay for the first two? Will he support a baby from you if things don't work out? Whether paternity has been established or not, he acknowledges the possibility that this is his child and you are criticizing him for taking an active role already.

Makes me wonder what you consider 'LOVE'.
silversword
17 years ago
1) My relationship has been off and on.
2)I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore because of this.
3)I was just recently thinking about having a child with him in a year or so. But, my mind changed quickly because of this situation.
4)Should I just dump him? (I truly love him).

I think you answered your own question. Men don't have the luxury of always knowing their own children. This could have been discovered after you were married. Would you still want nothing to do with this little boy?

Honestly, I am sorry for you. It must be hard to be faced with this. But I think you should not be with this man if you feel like that. It's cruel to the child, and it's cruel to him.
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I really feel for you, it seems as if your heart is in the right place and that you have alot of love to give those in your life. Your boyfriend is letting you down I feel. He is not only the link/bridge between you and his son. He is also the barrier between you and his ex and should be protecting you more from her and not leave you so exposed to her bad behaviour. He is also not enabling or creating that many opportunities for you to bond with his son. 1) It is his job to do the discipline/parenting etc. 2) You need opportunities to have a bit of fun with the boy rather than him relying on the neighbour's. That is just lazy parenting on dad's behalf, you need time to be a family together. 3) He should deal with the ex. End of. Keep out of the way, let him see to her. And he doesn't need to tell you every gory detail if it is emotionally draining for you. 4) Talk to you boyfriend about his bond with the baby and perhaps about getting his son involved with the baby too, helping out, etc. The big picture is so frustrating, as I have a similar situation. My bf's ex is absolutely toxic, an evil, depressing person, not happy unless she is causing chaos, making the children upset and trying to control everyone. You will not change you bf's ex, nor can I mine. What you have to change is how he deals with her. And negative things that are said, that happen, can be dealt with directly with your bf's son (in an age appropriate way). If inroads are not made, nor opportunites to bond with his son created by bf, this situation will only get worse. And I've read enough on here and experienced enough to know that the step mum usually gets the raw deal no matter how hard she tries and it can be a relationship breaker unfortunately. Hugs.
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"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Not only is this true with kids, but when a parent is totally gone, the child can also fantasize about how wonderful the absent parent is. They can create the perfect parent in their mind if they want. I was 22 when I got together with my BF that had three kids. They were 1, 4 & 6. Their mom was on drugs and left and never came to see them but maybe once a year. I spent my 20's raising his kids without benefit of marriage and when it didn't work out, I was 29 and he wouldn't even let me talk to his kids anymore (unless I would come back to him). I had no legal rights. In a way, I spent my youthful years taking care of his kids while he worked on his career. (he went from a street deputy to detective Sergeant while I was with him, because my being there allowed him to work any shift and not worry about his kids) A house was purchased (in his name only) but I paid on it and helped with improvements but ended up walking away with nothing. (I sometimes think I was lucky to leave with my sanity intact) I get the impression that you think that you and he will have a wonderful little family, especially if the boy is calling you mom. I didn't think of that before gigglemonster said it, but if he is, I can certainly understand why BM would be jumping on you. I'm not saying she's right to, but I could understand that here's her little boy calling you mom and you are trying to make the family she was supposed to have with this 'prize' of a guy and not only that, but he's thinking the kid might forget about her. I'd be fighting mad too. My guess is that the mom is also fairly young, early 20's??? There's a lot of emotions and immaturity too that could be contributing to all the conflict. and I guarantee that she'd tell her little boy to stop calling you mom if he is. He is too young to understand why it's upsetting to anyone, he'd call you both mom if he loves you both... they don't know the difference or think about how the 'real' mom will feel. They are so innocent but that's being ruined by immature people that put him in the middle of all this conflict. I'm really sad for the little boy in this.
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junegemstar
17 years ago
Yeah......I'm going to have to agree with Ima. There's no magic formula for accepting your bf's children. You just have to be open to it and you have to have the right mind set for this kind of situation.

First of all, if you guys were planning to get married, this happened at a perfect time. Now your BF can see that you aren't ready for "good and bad times", or "death till you part." To want to leave him over this sounds a bit......selfish.
Secondly, you all need to stop with having all these babies out of wedlock. A child deserves both a mother and father, so if you cannot properly committ to your BF (off and on relationship)having a child should be the LAST thing on your mind.

Really, I have more to say over this, but the bottom line is walk away from the situation. Coming in between the parent/child relationship is one of the worst things you can do.
mom2catie
17 years ago
I agree with everyone else. You should walk away. It's o.k. to feel what your feeling, but try thinking of it if the shoe were on the other foot. How would you feel it he felt the same way about your DD? Maybe he does. Just something to think about. This is an innocent child. He didn't ask to be born and he deserves someone who is going to at least like him.
pseudo_mom
17 years ago
"When I started dealing with my boyfriend" .... typo?
dotz_gw
17 years ago
Psuedo, LOL on dealin...Old school big city slang for dating LOLOLOL
mom2emall
17 years ago
There is no easy way to accept his kids. You either accept that he may have TWO children and you stay with him. Or you don't deal with it and you walk away from the relationship.

I know dealing with my husbands one ex is difficult enough...can't imagine their being two exs!

Your in a tough situation. But you can not only accept one child. For whatever reason he has already accepted the second child, and you need to back him on that. If you can not do that then walk away for all of your sanity!
justnotmartha
17 years ago
If you and this guy had a child together, split up, and his new GF felt annoyed by your child together and told him to choose, how would you feel?
sovra
17 years ago
I would say leave him. If you are certain that you cannot accept this child even with proven paternity, you're just setting yourself, the boyfriend, and the child for unhappiness.

And maybe, to make breaking up a little easier to do so, consider: if you had a child with him within a year, that would mean Child #3 to Mother #3, all in less than 5 years. Even with a wedding ring, I'm not sure I'd trust him to stick around.
athlete2010
17 years ago
Hi nurse31,

Your 9 year old daughter needs to be your number one priority now. Your boyfriend seems like he is too immature and irresponsible to offer a stable home environment.

He has been running around with other women, having unprotected sex, and getting them pregnant. It appears that he doesn't respect them or himself very much. So, why would you choose someone like this to marry?

The man you marry should be a good role model for your daughter. You should break it off with this guy and take some time to think about what's best for her.

Athlete

How do I accept my boyfriend's children?

Comments (10)

imamommy

silversword

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